TOTALLY TICKED OFF

[GEM33]

I just want to scream but I cant coz I have just put DD to sleep 4.5months old and its taken 4 hours. Im so pissed off with DH who always gets a full nights sleep and I have had 6 weeks of hell with DD who is feeding every 1-2 hours from just once a night. She is EBF. last night she furtled every 20 minutes for 2 hours until settling about 4am. I am definitlely doing something wrong. She wont go down before midnight. We do the same routine every single day. wake at 7 or half hour each side of 7, feed, activity, sleep without boob (i insist but go through about 20 mins crying). 1030 feed, activity, fall asleep in car seat-drive to do a dog walk. DD will sometimes wake and stAY AWAKE after 45mins, sometimes she will sleep 2.5 hours, wake 3pm, feed, activity, nap, wake 6ish, feed, bath, feed - then would like her to go to sleep for the night but she just wakes, feeds then stays awake for about 5 hours without a nap and so she is overtired.

Ive put this thread on breast feeding coz although its a sleep problem, iM JUST irritated that DH has taken the notion that coz DD is EBF he cant do anything, she just wants me at night. and he sods off to bed and snoring and Im dealing with an irritable baby.

I dont mind feeding to sleep if she did bloody go to sleep and stayed asleep. iM SO TIRED I dont know what iM saying to people when having a conversation, I am eating loads of crap in the day to give me a sugar hit to keep going, then Im depressed because iM still not losing any weight despite all the 'breastfeeding women lose their baby weight quicker than bottles' what a load of rubbish.

God Im tired. Despite all this, I do like having milk and feeding her myself I just wish it was easier.

Hi Gem,

You do sound peed off and tired :( I don't know if you've read or heard about this but it sounds as though your DD is going through the 4 month sleep regression (AKA 4 month fussies). You might find this reassuring. You are not doing anything wrong! This is normal for so many babies.

Can your DH do anything else to help, extra housework, taking DD out so you can rest during the day, leaving you healthy snacks so you don't load up on sugar? Would you consider co-sleeping?

Breastfeeding works best on demand and a lot of mothers find that feeding on demand during the day can help. How would you feel about feeding more frequently to see if that helps your DD sleep better at night? Why is it that you're insisting on her going to sleep during the day without feeding?

It is bloody tough and it feels like it goes on forever but it doesn't. Your DD will start sleeping more. Hang in there :)

One of the best things about bfing is the 'off switch effect' for tired and cranky babies (unfortunately it doesn't work forever and they stop falling asleep while bfing ).

Agree with EauRouge that bfing works best when feeding to babies cue, after all we'd hate it if we went to a restaurant and the waiter insisted that we couldn't possible hungry so would have to read the menu until he decided it was time to serve us.

It could well be the 4m sleep regression which is developmental rather than hunger driven but as bfing isn't just about transferring milk into baby but comforting and sleep inducing bfing when she wakes may well help her to go back to sleep quickly (plus it releases sleep inducing hormones in you too, to help you go back to sleep as well). It won't last for ever so doing what you need to do to get through it can help, even if that means doing the bare minimum of housework and sleeping when your DD sleeps (or just putting your feet up and resting), dust can keep!

Your OH wont thank me for this but...
My OH has been know to take DS for a walk at 2 or 3 in the morning if I am really struggling. DS is breastfeed but sometimes he wont settle so OH has bundled him up nice and warm and taken him for a midnight stroll. This gives me an hour or two in those precious sleepless hours.
The next morning I let OH sleep in!

It's so awful being tired, especially when it's because you're up at night and your DH can seemingly sleep through anything! I used to feel an serious urge to kick my DH sometimes during the nights... (obviously, I wouldn't really kick him)

If it helps, my DD started waking loads at around the same age too. It drove me mad, she also stopped feeding to sleep as easily. I found that co sleeping (there are very safe ways to do this, especially if your baby is over 4 months old) really, really helped as I could doze or sleep through feeds and barely had to wake to latch DD on.

I also insisted that DH learn how to get DD to sleep and now (she is almost 10 months) he can usually get her to sleep faster and easier than I can in the evening! He used to get frustrated that he couldn't get her to sleep, now he goes 'all proud' that she goes off quicker for him. Because of this he also now sometimes gets up at night when she is occasonally fidgety and won't go back to sleep and he comes downstairs with her and cuddles her back to sleep once I have fed her and then brings her back to bed. Would your DH consider occasionally doing this?

Maybe your DH could look after your baby at the weekends so you can have a lay in and catch up with some sleep? Either giving her expressed milk or just bringing her to you for feeds?

It does pass though, DD went from waking hourly to waking once a night again to sleeping through for 12 hours some nights very quickly. Also, once they are on solids later on, although I didn't find it helped DD sleep better, it does give you more freedom to leave them or get some sleep in the day while someone else looks after them.

I know others have commented on this, but breastmilk contains sleep inducing hormones this helps your baby sleep and is the natrual state of affairs. By resisting this you are making your life harder. How about trying just going with it, they do grow out of it so this magice effect doesn't last forever and can be really helpfull in getting an overtired baby to sleep.

By the way feeding also release sleep hormones in you to which can make night feeding hard work when your alreayd really tired.

Could you ask DH to entertain DD for an hour after the 7pm feed so you can relax/go for a swim/have a shower/phone a freiend/mn/potter round the house/watch tv/make some food for the next day/have a lie down then bath and feed (hopefully) to sleep.

Take DD to bed with you at sleep time so its a quite room (even it the tv is on quite) so even if it takes an hour or more to fall asleep you are still getting rest and wont be so stressed about how long it takes dd to settle. (I am lucky with Ds2 he will do thisand even though it takes him a while to settle to sleep he is peaceful, i know not all babys would be)

So putting bed time back a bit, remember it wont last forever

4 month sleep regression?

oh god.
another thing to look forward to.

Thank you for the warning, though OP, now I know what to look out for!

(sorry that doesn't help you, though :( )

It's hard to interpret from your post what you feel about routines as I can see you're not doing the same thing all the time, but I feel (sorry if I'm wrong) that you are trying to conform to a routine.

I really feel that routines aren't necessarily the answer - in fact it may be making life harder for you. I'm not saying this is definately the case but it's just worth considering. Many babies detest "routines". They just want to go with the flow, eat when they're hungry, sleep when they're tired etc and trying to do anything else just leads to hell. Sometimes they can settle into a "routine" and then totally change overnight which is so confusing.

I totally agree with the posters who say that your Dh needs to understand that you need support here. Taking her out in the car, pram, sling etc in the middle of the night would be a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do to let you sleep. Ditto the evenings so you can have some time to yourself. Also doing stuff around the house so you can sit and feed when your baby wants to would be really useful. His role is to look after you so you can look after your baby... and also to be there when you need a break by looking after the baby so you can look after yourself.

Some people find that it's easier to bring their baby into bed with them when they're going through these phases. If you can lie down to feed you can just let them get on with it, with a bit of practise. Provided that neither of you smoke there are perfectly safe ways to share a bed with your baby. It doesn't work for everyone but for some it's wonderful.

You sound like you're trying really hard to do the "right" thing but despite what some books say, there's isn't one! Sometimes you need to do whatever you can to just get through it, but you should NOT be doing this alone. Can talk to your Dh and work to get a strategy together?

I really do feel your sleep-deprived pain (we all do!). But while the nights are long, the years are short. Getting your DH to work with you, to see how he can practically help and be part of this even though he doesn't have boobs, means he won't be missing out on this precious, if (frankly) sometimes horrendous time. And it will make your life so much easier, and allow you to enjoy your daughter more.

xxx

Aww I do feel your pain. My almost 5 month is the same. I have tried on two occasions for a week at a time to get her to go to bed earlier and it just didn't happen. Agree it is very frustrating, especially when you hear about other people's babies going to bed at 7. The way I see it I have two options. I could do some kind of sleep training or wait till she's more ready to do it and in the meantime keep her on my lap dozing in the evening. The first one would result in a lot of crying which I don't want do have resigned myself to the latter for now. She was a great napper till about a week ago and that has gone haywire now but am sure things will get better soon. It is frustrating when you are bf and you feel getting the baby to sleep is all on you. Agree about giving DH other jobs like making dinner etc. it isn't forever.

Hi, thanks everyone for posting, its taken me ages to get back on here. um, where shall I start..we do co sleep, DD is either in bed with me or in her co sleeper which is a baby bay thing. She has always slept right next to me. I do feed her to sleep every night and all through the night. It has just been part of her 'routine' all her life that after waking up first thing, she has a good feed, is awake for 2 hours and then she is put to her bed to fall asleep by herself. This is the only time she is put to bed without being fed to sleep because I think she sleeps more settled and i think I started doing it that way after reading tracy hogg. DD never goes to bed hungry. I understand the 4 month regression thing but this has gone on for 6 weeks now..is that normal? plus still waking every hour or so. last night, she actually fell asleep at 1045ish, woke to feed at 11, 0048, 2am, 3am, 419am this is when I just put her next to me in bed and left her attached to my boob like a dummy. she slept til 8! however, I cant sleep when she is like this. iTS BLOODY uncomfortable, I dont sleep deeply coz Im conscious of where the blankets are and what dh is doing - arms sometimes flail over to us! etc.
cant remember who made the point but yes, i think I am trying to stick to the 'routine' not what time we do things but the order we do things, youre right, I have to accept this will change and I should go with the flow.
Its hard to think straight when so tired. I feel ill today. I dread evenings because she gets overtired and even though I take her to our dark bedroom, feed her lying down and massage her while feeding she cant switch off. She is such a 'go getter' baby and interested in everything (probably like me a bit highly strung) I suppose I find it hard to get to sleep too.
I think I am ready to give up trying to get her to sleep by herself in the morning as although this is how she has always done it, it no longer works for her and the crying despite me being right there holding her hand is getting louder and longer..

re dh, he does do loads round the house its just at night he really cant cope with lack of sleep, like this morning he says he is tired because he woke at 420 when I decided to put dd in bed with us, he was awake for 5 mintes and it kills him. I couldnt ask for a better partner dont get me wrong, but just wish he had more 'staying power at night' (nothing to do with sex!! ha ha).

re someone mentioned taking baby out for spin at night - dh has suggested he do this once and i PANICKED thinking no way, once he starts that she will always want it and said no but maybe I do need this break because I have such a nice sleep when I know someone is else is watching over her.

oh and someone mentioned feeding more in the day on demand, yep we do this, we have a great latch now and I know she is getting alot of milk and my supply is good. She has 5 or 6 feeds in the day sometimes more if I dont think she had enough i top her up. In fact she is so chubby I think she is getting plenty. (not been weighed for a couple of weeks so will have a chat with hv TOO about this).

organic carrot cake - yeah I dread evenings so much now and the whoel going to bed thing seems like such a waste of time for me, I need to make the most of her little years youre right even though they are tough.

sorry for long post- best go the lullaby cd is running to the end!!

We had real fun and games around four months. White noise all night (rain sounds) and a warmer room helped. It got better around six months at the same time as baby started solids and went into her own room. It may have been coincidental of course.

You aren't doing anything wrong - it's just bad luck. Some babies seem to be 'Duracell bunny' babies who find it really hard to switch off. They need help to relax - it's not necessarily as simple as 'habits' or 'associations'. If you are suffering I would be tempted to do what it takes to enable you all to get some rest.

Can you get anyone to take your baby out for a walk in the day so you can have a nap?

Your DH sounds lovely, other than the sleep thing! Clearly you're not finding the lack of sleep any easier than he would!

Regarding the idea that she may always need something (eg a car ride) if you start it, please don't worry about that. EVERYTHING passes. They change so often (like she has now) that to worry about trying something that may become a habit is to potentially miss out on a really useful tool.

Can you possibly get some sleep during the day when your DH is around? That could help? Maybe a friend or relative could take her for an hour while you get a nap? Sleep deprivation is the worst thing and us humans aren't designed for it as we raise our babies in groups "in the wild", so there's always someone to help out and give the mum some time to sleep.

I'm not a Tracey Hogg fan although she is perhaps one of the less awful baby trainers. She died quite some time ago and her books are out of date with regards to infant feeding and some of her infant feeding advice is downright dangerous. Saying that, the EASY routine really does work for SOME people - or some people some of the time. But it's really not a cure-all by any means.

You sound like you're doing so much to try to work with your baby in a gentle way which is lovely. I just feel YOU need more support from anywhere you can get it. You know, for me, I want to help my friends who have newborns but at the same time I don't want to sort of interfere. It may be that you need to ask but there would be people only too happy to help :)

You are so lovely all of you. I feel hundred times better reading your advice and kind words. Really you all have helped me. I will start taking more help from people to give me a break. Sometimes I need to loosen my control thing. (i am a bit of a 'no one can do it like i do' person i must confess). I have had a long bath this afternoon and done a deep hair conditioner and a facial and blow dried my hair (very often dont brush it these days!) feeling better.
re hogg woman, yeah I heard she died - i had seen some of her programmes on tv as well. I tried sticking to the gina ford thing but found that totally ridiculous. you just want to feel like you are doing the right thing for babs dont you so you read what the experts say and feel a failure when you cant stick to it. so then the EASY routine was working quite well for us in the day - until obviously after about 5pm we just seem to cluster feed through til whenever.

I feel like I can relax a bit more and just go with it from what you all say. DD is using me as a dummy so I will try tonight to let DH see to her and see how that goes.