I think I dont actually like breastfeeding :(

[thejoanwilder]

I feel really awful and down about this. DD is 4weeks old. Absolutely gorgeous, am totally in love, so not worried about us bonding. BUT...I really wanted to ebf. Unfortunately she spent a week in NICU after being born, so although I could feed her there, I wasnt there for every feed and she was mostly ff (with some expressed milk). I also found it really difficult with her various lines-I was so afraid of hurting her or pulling something out.
So now, 3 weeks on from getting her home, we are really struggling with a couple of things. Latching on. Her latch is OK if she actually manages to get on, bt if she is too hungry she will be inconsolable and it is really difficult to get her to open her mouth wide enough or get her into (and to stay in) the right position. If I try and get her latched on before she is screaming, she often won't open her mouth- she really doesn't seem to do hunger cues until she's at the slightly crazily munching on her hand stage!
So, if she does latch on, she will do one of two things- feed really well for a few minutes (audible sucking and swallowwing etc), and will then fall asleep, drop off and be really angry when she wakes a few minutes later and there is no boob in her mouth. Either that, or she will come off almost straight away, start whinging and then get really irate, at which point we are at the first problem again. The upshot seems to be that she takes so little that she could literally be feeding for hours, at which point my back starts hurt, and I feel totally trapped on the sofa (lord help me if I drop the remote as I am to scared to disengage her in case I can't get her back on!) DUe to this, there is absolutely NO WAY I would contemplate trying to BF in public. It mormally ends with the both of us in tears.
So, we are doing FF and BF, with a majority FF at the moment. I have no problem with FF as a choice, it just wasn't the choice I wanted iyswim. Now I just find myself getting so miserable trying to get her to latch on, and then equally miserable because I have to give her a bottle. Not helped by people (mentioning no names, FIL) asking every fucking time he speaks to us how much formula she's having, and if DH is giving her a bottle whether or not it's breast milk in it (I do express sometimes, but not a huge amount). Surely the important thing is that she's gaining weight...?!
God, that was long, sorry. but the upshot is that I feel miserable trying to BF, and then I feel miserable about having to give formula. How can I help myself feel more positive about either BF, or come to terms with giving it up entirely. I feel like I have to make a decision one way or the other, as I can't carry on driving myself crazy like this :( Thanks for any words of wisdom/ advice/ whatever...

Have you had her checked for tongue tie? That can cause babies to slide off, get frustrated, and fall asleep because it is too much hard work? Even having a slight tongue tie cut can make a world of difference to your bfeeding.

That sounds rough. Well done for keeping going! Have you tried any of the helplines? It would probably help to get someone to come and see you.

Have you tried biological nurturing AKA laid back nursing? I can't link from my phone but if you google there is info and also videos. Basically you get comfy lying back, put your baby on your bare chest and let her instinctively find your boob and latch on herself. Once you get used to it you can easily do a modified version for out and about. No sore back because you are supported. It really helped us and meant we could go from 50/50 mixed feeding to EBF. I had all sorts of problems with positioning and attachment and when I was shown this at the local BF clinic I couldn't believe how easy it was.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!

Oh poor you! My DD was in NICU (only for three days mind, but that was long enough) and we had issues with feeding at the beginning. She was topped up in hospital but we knocked that on the head before we left ( I was in for nearly a week) and then all hell broke loose. It was so hard and I hated bfing and felt like a big fat failure because it wasn't coming naturally. I was also scared to pick up DD and spend time with her in case she wanted to eat ... BUT we're still going now and she's five months and I now really love bfing her! Total one-eighty. Couple of things that helped:

RL help - to check for tongue tie, latch, just general encouragement

Incredibly supportive DP (if I were you i'd get yours to tell FIL to piss off)

Bloody determination! Bfing is so hard - you're both learning in the beginning and it's constant. My little piggy ate for 40-50 mins nearly every hour and that's physically tiring but emotionally knackering too.

She was also v sleepy from all the antibiotics so I used to strip her off and blow on her to keep her awake and eating. THe rule was ten minutes of sucking and swallowing (excluding faffing) and then she could sleep if she wanted (she tended to hit her stride at 9.55 mins and then feed forever!)

Congratulations and keep going so long as it's right for you both (and maybe spit in FIL's tea to make yourself feel a bit better!)

Hello. I really feel for you. DC2 was exactly the same except no NICU. Perfect latch but wouldn't stay on. I expressed loads for 2 weeks but I admit a toddler, 7hrs expressing, trying to BF and bottle feeding broke me. I carried on trying for another 4 weeks with a lot of RL support. I felt trapped in the house as I wanted to try for every feed and it was so traumatic doing it outside was a no no. I stopped. Baby much more chilled and I accepted I had tried as much as I could. You can only do what YOU can do, not what someone else did. Keep going, get checked for tongue tie etc but please realise the massive effort you have already made. You've been super Mummy getting this far.

Hi there, my dd2 was exactly the same, including the week in NICU.

In the interests of disclosure i should say that I had stopped bf dd1 after 4 weeks because I was ill, in pain and utterly miserable (mastitis) and I stand by that decision to this day, I truly believe that I didn't start to bond with her until that point because feeding was causing so much misery.

However with dd2 this meant that I had no expectations of breastfeeding her at all, even less so after the NICU stay, but someone on here gave me the wisest piece of advice I could have hoped for, which was 'take it a day at a time'. Don't think, 'It is my intention to ebf this child for six months'. Think 'I'm going to do x feeds today, and then we'll see how it goes tomorrow'.

That and nipple shields! Although they are not recommended to be used for long periods (say months) they were an absolute godsend for the first few weeks, she latched much better and fed for longer. One day I just decided to try without and she was fine.

Having said that bf an infant entails an awful lot of just sitting on a sofa, my best friend has a 12 week old son and at 4 weeks she flat out told me that she would never be able to feed in public, but she is getting there now. Honestly, you feel like you'll never leave the house again, but you do get there in the end.

Dd2 was bf for 11 months in the end, when she just gave up of her own accord. But she wasn't ebf until maybe 8 weeks and even then we had a regression at 9 weeks when she had an infection and the NG tube was put back in.

All the best, don't be afraid to make whatever decision is best for you and your family, there are no differences between my dds these days (well there are tonnes of course, but none that could be put down to bf/ff!).

I had alot of difficulty with both my DDs, due to inverted nipples (never see that mentioned on MN) but nipple shields were a godsend. DD2 wasnt putting on enough weight and was dehydrated after a week. I was so mortified and upset and had to start with formula, but i was so determined to ebf that i cracked it through bloody minded determination.
You're doing really well! Keep going and sod FIL and housework!

Sympathies here - sounds so similar to what I went through with my DS. Never got an explanation for it but he was exhausting to feed, I used to have to practically wrestle him to get him on and keep him on and then would be trapped in situ until he finished feeding, my hands aching from holding my breast to shape the nipple and holding his head to the breast, basically force-feeding him... ;-/

I hated every minute of it but then hated feeding him formula too because I felt guilty about it.

My suggestion would be to get some help with your bf-ing from a lactation consultant who can come and see you and suggest some solutions that are tailored to you. I saw three people (midwives and lc) and while all had some minor contributions to make, none solved the problems or spent enough time with me to sort it out fully. Remember either way that you're doing your best and have to prioritize what works for you and your baby ultimately rather than an ideal situation. Just remember that once you give up bf-ing it's over for good - I kind of half-heartedly reduced my bf feeds and shirked it because I hated it so much and before I knew it my supply had gone and I had to ff whether I liked it or not. It's nice to keep your options open if you can!

Thank you for all your lovely replies. Will try and track down the local LLL group and see if that helps.
Some progress this morning, though. I spent some time looking at positioning on YouTube, and I thought I had tried cross cradle hold... Turns out I hadn't, so that seemed to work well and the piglet is now asleep in my arms.
I am going to try the 'one feed at a time' attitude. I think it will still be a while before I can do it in public, but I will worry about that when I need to. I'll do a bit of a review again in 3 weeks when my mum comes to stay (we live abroad). Til then, one feed at a time...

I think you are amazing [busmile]

The one feed at a time plan is excellent. Just get through the next feed. Think of nothing beyond that.

The feeds piglet have had have done the power of good, contributed in a massive way to getting you all out of hospital and laid down some pretty awesome health benefits. If you never breastfeed again the amazing work you have done will never ever be taken away.

YouTube, helplines (can't see why you couldn't ring from abroad?) and if tehre are peer supporters then track them down. Teh website Kellymom is great too.

Also - loads of people couldn't contemplate feeding in public at 3 weeks. And some of them will have not had half the challenges you had. Some people who have babies on NICU can't contemplate leaving the house fullstop for weeks and weeks and weeks. SO my sincere advice is to try get away from comparing yourself to the picture of perfection in your brain, and compare yourself to the newly delivered mum of a baby in NICU weeks ago.

How far you have come!! Imagine how far you can go on whichever route you choose.

treedelivery, that made me sniffle- thank you.

So we have persevered on this week, and things are starting to look up. Her latch has improved, I think my supply is improving, and I am feeling much better about things overall.

Big love to you all who replied, I think I would have jacked it in totally if you hadn't been so kind and helpful. Not sure that we will ever get to the ebf stage, but we are now I would say more than 50% bf, which I am thrilled about. I really am! Thank you all again :)

joan that is fantastic news!