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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

How to deal with different views to DH about public BF

28 replies

Chloe55 · 02/02/2006 10:23

We are due to have our first child in a little over a week. We have both decided that we want to give BF a go, no doubts about that. However, after watching that programme last night we began to talk about public BF etc. He commented that he always felt uncomfortable when his sis BF infront of him, even though you couldn't 'see' anything. I argued that he shouldn't feel uncomfortable as it is totally natural and why should she leave the room just because he might feel uncomfortable. This stemmed into a big argument about how he hopes I didn't have ideas about BF in front of friends or overly public places. I asked if he would have a problem with a mother bottlefeeding her child in a cafe because he was crying? I asked if he would rather I went to a smelly toilet to BF our child instead of not making a big deal and just feeding him discreetly at the table instead?

How can I convince my DH that it is unfair for him to expect me to leave the room/conversation to feed my child when I wouldn't do so if he was bottlefed.

I know there are a lot of threads on this subject due to that programme last night but now it is a personal issue for me and I am worried that my BF is going to create unecessary argument between us.

OP posts:

beasmum · 02/02/2006 11:11

Chloe, maybe try not to judge at this point in time. Your husband is thinking of seeing others breastfeed, not YOU and your baby. He doesn't yet know the feelings he will experience for your baby, and the pride and pleasure he will hopefully feel when looking at you feeding him. He may be so in love with baby that this is no longer an issue.

Also, I simply couldn't breastfeed due to circs. which I won't bore you with now, but I would sound a note of caution in letting this become an issue for you before it's actually a reality! There's a chance that you may bottlefeed (hopefully not but you know what I mean - just cross each bridge as you come to it!)

Lots of luck and happiness to you with babe - do you know what you're having or will it be a surprise??

tiktok · 02/02/2006 11:13

It's a question of needs, really, isn't it? The baby's need to feed somewhere comfortable, clean and where his mum is relaxed, versus a big grown up man's preference not to feel slightly uncomfortable (can only be 'slightly' uncomfortable, or he would have removed hmself from the room when his sis was feeding).

Would he really put this preference before the needs of a tiny baby?

Or will he decide to be grown up about it?

His choice

Original poster

Chloe55 · 02/02/2006 11:20

Yes, we have considered that there may be a possibility BF won't go to plan for us and we won't even need this to be an issue. I guess you are right, DH may feel differently when the baby is born (it's a boy BTW ).

My thoughts are like your though TicTok - both baby and I have be comfortable and if grown men can't accept the fact that BF is completely natural then they should be the ones to leave the room - not me!

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 02/02/2006 11:22

I would just say to him as it's you who will be feeding the baby then your opinion on this is the one that counts for most, and that you are going to feed your baby wherever and whenever it's necessary. If anyone (including him) has a problem with seeing it then that's fine, they can leave the room or turn away so that they aren't facing you. As you don't have a problem with it, you won't be going anywhere.

lucy5 · 02/02/2006 11:22

just wait til the baby is screamng and only your boobs will do. He'll soon be asking you to get your boobs out

satine · 02/02/2006 11:23

Funnily enough I just posted about this on another thread! My dh is also quite uncomfortable about women bf in front of him and felt I should always go into another room when his family were visiting but frankly I just ignored him and got on with it. I was always very discreet and he never had the nerve to pick a fight with someone as sleep deprived as I sometimes was!! I just felt that the needs of the baby were paramount and that he would have to deal with the slight discomfort.

beejay · 02/02/2006 11:25

I think he is highly likely to change his mind once he gets used to it. i think it's the kind of thing that maybe feels weird ( to the outsider) the first time but when you have seen it for the twentieth or thirtieth time it becomes normal.

r3dh3d · 02/02/2006 11:31

The thing that may make the difference is that until it's your baby you simply don't comprehend the amount of time a bf baby can spend on the breast, especially if fed on demand. It's just not practical to go into a little cupboard all the time - what with feeding and changing and burping, you'd never come out of there ffs. If you don't bf in public you'll have to carefully time when you can leave the house around feeds which if they're feeding frequently is just not workable.

I don't think he has thought through the practical implications of what he is saying - it will all become a lot more "real" when baby comes.

Original poster

Chloe55 · 02/02/2006 11:37

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom! What you are saying makes a lot of sense and we are both new to this so I guess until we are both in that position we don't really have a clue how either of us will feel. I don't think DH will be keen to confront a sleep-deprived woman, particularly one who makes his tea!

OP posts:

throckenholt · 02/02/2006 11:44

if it bothers him - he should be the one to get up and leave the room (that was always my attitude) - you are doing nothing wrong - and the person objecting has the problem not you.

LucyJu · 02/02/2006 12:00

I amagine dh was uncomfortable about his sis bf-ing in case he caught a glimpse of her breasts which, I assume, he wouldn't normally see. OTOH, I take it he wouldn't be embarassed about catching a glimpse of your boobs.... And besides, it really can be done very dicreetly.
It is unfair and unreasonable to expect a bf-ing mother to hide away to feed. You are trying to do what's best for your baby and that really is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope dh starts to see this.

Original poster

Chloe55 · 02/02/2006 12:45

DH does not have an issue with me bf in front of him, he just commented that he finds it uncomfortable seeing others bf but he would never say anything to them but because he feels this way he doesn't think that I should put others in an uncomfortable position if I can help it. He is not adversly against me bf in public but thinks if I can move out of view then I should. I think his pointis why cause people embarrassment if you don't have to. I kinda see his point but then I think if all bf mother's took this attitude then Britain would be even more uncomfortable with the completely natural rocess than we already are. I just don't see why I should be the one to move out of view doing something that is normal and healthy coz that would be like giving in to the view that it is wrong, inappropriate or whatever people's views are against public bf.

OP posts:

Aloha · 02/02/2006 12:50

Chloe, that goes back to Tiktok's point - what is more important, the 'slight embarassment' of strangers, or YOUR baby's need to have nourishment, and your need for company, freedom and comfort? Come on, it's no decision, is it?
Who would he rather see 'uncomfortable' (which tbh seems to be projecting his feelings on other people who may very well not share them at all) or his wife and child? I'm sure he doesn't really put you second here.
And yes, things will be very different when it all becomes real!
And if you start having trouble with feeding or you have one of those bonkers midwives who keep telling mothers that babies need formula, then come on to Mumsnet! Good luck.

sharklet · 02/02/2006 15:08

Hi Chloe,

In most cases men feel a bit more comfortable when its thier own baby. DH was like a prowling tiger protecting his cub, far from being embarrassed. I htink if you be confident, then really no-one really notices. You really can do it very discreetly, without whacking your whole breast out and waving it around for all to see. I found it was far more discreet than that, and I never covered DD's head or anythign as some mums do.

I intended on feeding for as long as possible, and to that end I got some proper breastfeeding tops and dresses to help. Over here in the UK there is really bugger all - its all baggy t-shirts with a slit in them. Not my style at all! I got some lovely stuff from the USA and would recommend brands like "majamas" as being great. I bought all my stuff online and got it shipped over. I just found the link and it was www.mommygear.com/ They were lovely and as it was US prices it wasn't too pricey either!

If your assertive and confident then you need not worry. Most people really hardly notice, and if you confident and concentrating on what baby needs you will hardly notice if it does raise an eyebrow.

Really best of luck with it!

xxx

bourneville · 02/02/2006 15:10

Chloe, I too typed something about this on another thread! My boyf always felt exactly like your DH by the sound of it, but because he was a boyf, not dad, not living with us, it wasn't such an issue with us. I did, however, respect his feelings tbh and if we went out we went to places where I knew there was somewhere private I could bf if i needed to. I may not have respected his feelings so much if he had been a DH!

I do think though as others have said that your DH may change his view later on, you will be spending a lot more time together than me and boyf did, and out more too - as someone said, baby attached to boob is preferable to screaming baby!

ggglimpopo · 02/02/2006 15:11

Message withdrawn

Bozza · 02/02/2006 15:12

I think men who have not had their own children can be like that. I think that the birth of their own child tends to change them - give them a bit more of an enlightened outlook on things like this.

And I agree with lucy5. When you are in a quiet cafe and your DS is screaming and everyone is looking at him and you quickly and discretely latch him on your DH will change his tune.

bourneville · 02/02/2006 15:31

Sounds like I should've deliberatly gone out of my way to go somewhere i couldn't b'feed in private!

I know someone who bf her dd on a train and her dp escaped to the other end of the carriage in his embarrassment!

Hattie05 · 02/02/2006 15:36

Hi Chloe you still around then?

I havn't read all the responses, but just wanted to agree with the first, that your husband will feel very different when it is his precious being wanting a feed without a doubt.

And with regard to those who feel embarrassed, let them leave the room not you! A couple of our male friends used to stop talking/looking at me and often would leave the room when i started to feed dd. not in a rude way, they just came over all bashful and didn't know what to do with themselves. This was fine by me, and i certainly wasn't gonna jump up and offer to leave the room! I did tell them not to get embarrassed and leave but they just did, and they are round our house a lot.

Feeding in public places - i don't think people hardly noticed when i bf dd in public, you learn to be everso discreet.

Good luck!

Original poster

Chloe55 · 02/02/2006 15:44

Thanks everyone - you have all inspired me to stick to my guns and I hope like most of you say DH becomes a bit more encouraging when the baby is actually here. Thanks for the website Sharklet - will def be having a look on there coz like you say all the BF clothes I come across are bloody horrible!

OP posts:

Bozza · 02/02/2006 15:49

TBH I wouldn't bother discussing it just yet. When the baby is born you might at first like a bit of privacy until you get the hang of it. It took me a few weeks before I really got into the bf in public partly because I was sore and so preferred to lay down at first. With DD I was much more brazen and would feed any time, any place.

Hattie05 · 02/02/2006 22:50

Chloe you may find you don't need to wear breastfeeding tops. I didn't own anything which was 'made' for breastfeeding except bras.

Jumpers are fine cos you just pop the baby under it! and tight tops, i made sure i either had a cardi or a muslin to sling over my shoulder or wherever necessary to prevent too much exposure. You really do just get very skilled at it. I even managed spaghetti strap dresses, just slip one arm and a boob out, through an attractive shrug accross shoulder and chest and voila! noone even knows theres a baby there let alone a naked breast!

magicfarawaytree · 02/02/2006 23:03

ahhhhh warm memories of walking round tescos pushing a trolley with two children in it with one had and breastfeeding with the other.......

snowleopard · 02/02/2006 23:18

My DP is a bit like this and thinks people's feelings of discomfort shoudl be respected, while I say only the hungry baby matters and everyone else can back off! But to be honest it is a situation where I let him win, for example if he's with me and worried about it I will find a private space (when I'm out on my own with DS, mind, I don't care who gets an eyeful ). DP particularly paranoid when I bring DS into his workplace, for example, so I respect his wishes. Why - mainly because I think men can feel pushed out by a new baby and feel the need to stake their claim and have their feelings heard. It's childish of them really but I'd rather humour him than make him feel he doesn't matter at all. As other posters have said, don't argue about it now - feel your way and do whatever works for you when baby is here.

And fabby labour vibes to you too!

moondog · 02/02/2006 23:24

Echo alot of what is said here.

Would recommend that you don't hurry out.Enjoy the babymoon and getting to grips with feeding at home.

Lucy is right,he will be ordering you to get your tits out when the babe is crying for food.

One final thing:remember that noone is looking at you as much as you may think they are.That applies to all of us,whatever we are doing.

People by and large really don't care one way or another.

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