Help needed to avoid nervous breakdown!

[JanHR]

My 16 month old is currently screaming the house down because I have put her in the cot for a sleep.
I know she is tired but she won't give in. DP has just gone to work and as a parting shot suggested giving her some breast milk to get her off to sleep, but she has been on them most of the morning.
Now she is older I thought that she would want less, but it seems to be just the opposite and it is getting me down.
Sometimes she will sleep for 8pm until about 5.30pm but most nights she wakes 2 or 3 times and my nilk is the only thing that settle her.
I am going out for the night on 6th Dec and staying out overnight leaving DD with her dad. I don't really want to express any milk for her but I might have to.
The house is a tip as well becuase when I am in she will play quietly for about 10 minutes then she is grabbing at me again.
How can I get her to have less, or stop completely without seeming really heartless.
Someone please help me before I have a comlete hervous breakdown.

They start to just enjoy the comfort and not the milk. I'll probably not be popular for this but i stopped breast feeding with a dummy stuck to my bra

Thanks for replying Forestfly but she is not interested ina dummy

Oh dear, i do remember though that i dissapeared for three days to be with my friend who was dying. When i came back ds2 was on the bottle. Daddy had just had to sort it out. A bit depressing but it worked!

I am hoping that when I spend the night away from her she will forget about the breast, but I don't think I will be that lucky.

I don't have any first hand advice on this JanHR but I saw an episode of the Baby Whisperer on Discovery Channel where a mum had your exact same problem with a baby about the same age. Tracey (the Baby Whisperer) told the Mum that if she wanted to give up breast feeding she had to be absolutely certain she was never going to give in (ie be consistent once made the decision). In the day Tracey helped the mum destract the little girl every time she was grabbing for the breast with a toy or bit of fruit or juice or something. In the night she packed the mum off to stay at her mums and got the dad to deal with the night time wakings by employing her "pick up, put down" technique - basically pick the baby up when it crys when it starts to settle down put back in the cot, pick up again when starts to cry, carry on until baby falls asleep (can take 100plus pick ups). If you think this sounds like it might help you I suggest you buy her book and check out her website. They did solve the problem in about a week, a lot of hard work but worth it in the end.

Phew - HTH

Remember that they don't starve themselves its a bit harsh but baby will drink if hungry. She is constantly getting comfort off you and perhaps its daddys turn to go what you've been through. I just started to find breast feeding very hard work. My sons daddy got great pleasure out of giving him a bottle as well. It was bonding for him too.

Thanks for that Lamin. I have tried distracting her when she makes a grab for me but this only work for aminute or two.
Her dad is at work during ter week and often has to get up early so i feel it is unfair to ask him to see to her in the night except at the weekends. We dd give it a try but she just kept screaming until I went in.
I don't mind feeding her 1st thing in the morning and a bedtime it is just all the times in between.

I think she has finally gone to sleep, so I better get some housework done while I have some peace in which to get it done.
Thanks for all the advice

Take care make sure you have a rest and not just clean x

Again no first hand advice JanHR but firstly well done for b/feeding for so long, you've done a fantastic job for so long so don't beat yourself up now.
Maybe a night away is coming at the right time too, hope things get better.

JanHR

I saw that episode too, Lamin, and I think they were all surprised at how shortlived the girl's crying was. Your dd shouldn't nutritionally need milk at night now but it is probably a comfort/habit thing. You could do the Pick Up/Put Down at night in the meantime so that she is less likely to require milk on the night you are away. If you know she can settle herself back to sleep it would help you feel less stressed about it and hopefully that will rub off on her. Perhaps if your dh could do a couple of consecutive nights beforehand, keeping her in her room when she wakes and not letting you give in, it would help.

good luck

I think that the only way is the hard way - make your decision and don't give in. The problem is that she's clever enough to have worked out that if she causes enough fuss, you will give her what she wants. It isn't going to be easy and it will seem heartless Life's so much simpler when they decide to give up for themselves.

I doubt you'll nee to express any milk for her for your night away - if she's happy enough taking it from a bottle/beaker won't she simply take formula/cows milk? I agree with forestfly - it's the comfort, not the milk that she loves.

Do you want to stop feeding altogether or just cut down? If you want to feed her 1st thing in the morning and at bedtime only then do that and stick to just that. Maybe have some expressed milk for a beaker throughout the day which you can then "water" down with cows milk when she's got used to the different "delivery method" .

All of this is easier said than done, I know, and it's easy for me to make suggestions from where I@m sitting. Good luck!

JanHR - breastfeeding is only a joy when both mother and baby enjoy it. Your 16 month old does not need breastmilk but enjoys breastfeeding. You would be happy to breastfeed her morning and evening so that is what you must plan to do. You do not need to express milk for her when you are way. Use the weekend when your DH can help to stop her night feeds. Make him go to her and do not feed her under any circumstances. I helped my sister through a similar problem and it was amazing how quickly her dd stopped crying when she saw me during the night once she realised she was not going to get the breast (from her mum I hasten to add). It will take some determination but it can be done. And your dh needs to pitch in

ds2 did this at the same age. In the end I took him into bed with me when he woke but refused to give him any breast. He is terribly stubborn but after one hideous night only tried it on briefly the next night then started sleeping through. He is still bfed now (22 months) but I'm pretty strict with him- it's for bedtime only, and maybe before a nap if we're in. He does crave the comfort of it but isn't too insistent these days.

I was going to mention baby whisperer programme too - I was impressed with how they got that problem sorted and the child (13months I think) was transformed!

Decide what you want to do and stick to it, its the hardest thing in the whole world when your baby is crying and you have what it is she wants but Im sure if your consistent it wouldnt take long.

Hugs
Becca
x

JanHR - been through this with both mine. dd is now 19 months and still wants boobie a lot. I have to say its quite easy when I am typing on mumsnet but I know how you feel. Several questions I would ask you -

How is she eating? Check that she isn't genuinely hungry.

Is she sickening for anything - she may need the extra milk to help stave off an infection. Also babies need extra comfort at teething times.

Is she upset about anything else and needs comforting.

Is she bored?

I find it easier just to give in but make the 'feed' short (sometimes this has to happen anyway because I have to attend to ds) and I just pull her off and by the time I come back she's probably forgotten. She won't pull at me unless I am sitting down so your ds may be genuinely upset (difficult for me to say without seeing her). How long has she been like this - has she suddenly started to 'ask' for more recently. In the long term I'd say try to make a particular chair/place where you breastfeed preferably in her bedroom so she isn't constantly reminded by it. Go to it initially as much as you want and then gradually do distracton techniques and hopefully she should just associate that chair with the breastfeeding.

Over night is harder I know - it doesn't go on for ever - ds stopped feeding in the night around age 2 and we co-slept. Depends what you want to do. However you would be surprised at how well they cope without you being there. Your dh could maybe take her out the car to settle her when you have your night out, or maybe put her to sleep in a pushchair as she may not associate that with mummy. She may respond well to weaning when she is a bit older. my sister's son weaned at 22 months when his dad went to him in the night and he said "no boobie?" or something like that and seemed quite happy to let him settle him.

I started to put dd in her cot at 18 months for daytime naps and she seemed to like the novelty of it with the musical toys etc round her but did cry but only for a minute. I will then move onto the night time. I did this with ds, with daytime naps and then nightime - he'd only sleep part of the night on his own to start with and gradually it extended.

I doubt if your dd will be happy with just expressed milk when you are out as it is likely that it is the comfort she is looking for - she may be fine when you aren't around to 'remind'her of it.

can post more but run out of time just now!

Just wanted to say LOL at forestfly and dummy stuck to bra. No advice though sorry

a 16month old doesn't need milk at night. She just doesn't. I bet it's getting you down. I'd be suicidal. I think you just have to be really 'heartless' and stop feeding her at night. You are going away for a night so make that the moment you stop, and don't relent. You can comfort her in other ways, but if she cries don't give in. You aren't torturing her or starving her, you are just trying to get some sleep and that's not a crime! She will learn quickly IMO. Don't express milk - you'll just prolong this awful habit! Also, when she screams get on mumsnet to distract you and get some moral support until she goes to sleep - like you have today!

THanks for all the advice you have given me.
She is currently cutting some molars, she has also just gor over one cold but her nose is streaming again. so this maybe the problem.
As for me, it is getting close to my "time of the month" and this sometimes causes me to get really down.
Thanks again for letting me moan.

Hope she feels better soon JanHR and you have a great night out.

Remember if you do wean you will have to find an alternative to comfort her.

JanHR, I also had weaning problems and found that there was alot of advice on how to breastfeed and how to go from breast to bottle but very little advice on how to wean an older baby. The best reference that I found was the La Leche League. Their website is
here . You can post a message via the website and a Leader will respond.

By 17 months my ds was finally only wanting a breastfeed before settling for the night but he was still having this feed at 23 months. I was quite worried about weaning him off this last feed and one of the La Leche Leaders was very supportive.

When I was weaning down to that final feed at 17 months, I tried to only breastfeed in my bedroom, sitting on the bed. DS got into the routine that milk was only available at certain times and in a certain place. I know that this is totally against breastfeeding on demand but I consoled myself that he was old enough for the break in the "demand" routine and should be getting the majority of his food as solids.

Prior to all stages of weaning I had guilty feelings and thought I was satisfying myself and not DS by deciding on the timetable for stopping. But each time he surprised me with his ability to adjust to the changes.

Best of luck with the next few weeks.