Long term breast feeders Please help.

[poppycat04]

I've EBF DS3 for 12 months now. He is allergic to CMP, egg and peanuts which we only discovered at 6mo on starting solids. I have also co slept. Am now completely and utterly exhausted and think pretty close to PND. My DH wants me to stop BF. We are in separate beds, haven't been out on our own once in the last year. Our relationship is not particularly great at the moment, but that is a different thread. I am considering seriously stopping BF but DS3 is probably our last child and it's breaking my heart. That sounds over dramatic but it's the truth. However I have to consider DH and Ds1&2 too.
How can I explain what BF means to DS3& I to DH? Please be gentle.
On phone so can't preview for paragraphs etc.

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You sound very low, but how can stopping breastfeeding improve your relationship with your husband and other children? Is it that you're cosleeping with dc3 and do your husband feels left out? Perhaps you could night wean or try putting baby in a cot? Or express for the last feed and have your husband give that so he feels more involved?

Is your husband blaming breastfeeding about your relationship problems? Just stopping cold turkey is not going to solve anything really, it just may make you really resentful and make things worse. Talking things through is the best way, good luck, and take a deep breath!

I think you are mixing up all sorts of different issues together:

1. Breastfeeding
2. Sleeping
3. Going out
4. General relationship issues
5. Possible PND (although may just be a bad case of lack of sleep)

I'm still bf DC3 and she doesn't have formula, but DH and I do manage to go out and babysitter can give her solids if she's hungry. I know your DS's allergies will make this more complicated but it should still be possible.

Also you should be able to night-wean without stopping bf altogether. There's good information on night-weaning on kellymom.

I don't think you should make any decisions about stopping breastfeeding entirely until you have managed to start getting a good stretch of sleep and to get out of the house for an evening occasionally. That will also give you a better idea of where your relationship is and whether you have PND or just chronic tiredness.

Reading your post again, I wonder if your dh blames your exhaustion to breastfeeding and therefore doesn't get why you want to continue. For me, breastfeeding feels like a most immediate, tender way of taking care of my baby's physical and emotional needs - a feed and a cuddle and a little rest at the same time. it's also enabling me to relax her, to console her and boost her immune system... Have you talked to dh about any of the above?

Could you perhaps drop a feed or two? As your baby grows that happens naturally, I think, so it's not going to go on forever is it?

Have you tried any if the breastfeeding helplines? I found them really really helpful, as was talking to my HV. Especially if she (your hv) understands how important it is for you she may have some advice. You must take care of yourself too, not just your children, especially if you feel so depressed. PND is not to be ignored. Sending you a big hug x

Thanks for your replies.
Does night weaning work?
Both Ds1&2 only started sleeping through when I stopped BF and moved them into cots in a different room. So yes DH definitely blames BF for the way I am at the moment.
Also with going out in the evening, does your DC stay awake until you get back?
Is it really possible for a BF baby to go to sleep on their own in their own room and sleep most of the night?

I haven't tried the breast feeding helplines. That's a good idea.

I don't know anyone who has fed for longer than a year. The message I am getting from HV, and family is that it is indulgent and not necessary to keep feeding. And it was a real struggle to get this far.

And thanks for the hug.

You sound very low.

I fed DS until he was 19/20 months. When he was 10 months, I was struggling because he was still in our room (sidecar cot) and I was feeding him 3 - 6 times a night. I was terrified of putting him in his own room because I was worried that he would still wake up for a feed and that I'd have to get up to feed him rather than just rolling over. Eventually I cracked with exhaustion and moved him into his own room one day. He slept through the first night and hasn't had a night feed at all since. After that, he would have a feed in the morning and a feed in the evening (very manageable) and it eventually dwindled to one small feed in the evening when we stopped. When I went out for the evening, he was generally content to not have a feed at all or would have a small feed before I went. So I'd say it's worth a try putting him in another room if you're considering that although obviously every baby is different.

I was really pleased to feed as long as I did, and very glad that when I did stop, I was totally happy to and very ready for it. DH was the same when DS was still in our room, and I think he blamed BFing a bit as well, but it was fine once DS was in his own room, sleeping through. We all got a lot more rest and felt much happier.

I feel your pain on so many fronts. I breastfed my children for 14, 18, 24 and 30 months respectively (just stopped with 2.6 yo DD3) and it is bloody tiring at times. Hard though to tell what cause and effect are- looking after 3 children is bloody tiring in itself.

I have to say I don't think that 12 m is too old for breastfeeding (as you can probably tell from my "time" above). I think especially in the case of known allergies and sensitivities, stopping breastfeeding would not be the right thing to do (we have atopic problems in our family too) as even if he eats nothing else, at least you know he is getting a complete food in breastmilk.

I suspect (as you say that you don't know anyone who has breastfed this long) that your DH just doesn't know about the benefits. Is he aware of the WHO recommendations re breastfeeding to 24 months at least? That is something you could show him if not. HV are pretty hit and miss I'm afraid. I've always been exceptionally lucky with mine in that bizarrely they've all been married to African men and thoroughly supported extended breastfeeding.

Are you taking any multivitamins? I can really recommend Berocca if you are feeling exhausted.

Is DS3 feeding through the night? Because he probably doesn't need to be and if you could stop feeding him in the that might help with the tiredness as you might both get a better night's sleep.

Will think some more and get back to you. In meantime, remember it's pretty normal to feel exhausted when you have 3 smalls, one still a baby. Your DH should be aware of this.

night weaning won't necessarily help. You may find that he still wakes at night but you have no way of quickly sending him back off to sleep!

with regards PND, if you stop breastfeeding and you really don't want to you'll end up feeling guilty, which may actually exacerbate how you are feeling rather than making it go away.

i think other posters are spot on when they say that the issues are separate but are getting confused. I think it happens a lot and people often blame breastfeeding, but imagine if you took breastfeeding out of the equation and the problems still remained. all you'd end up with is no quick way of settling the baby!

if I were you I'd see the GP or Healht Visitor about possibility of PND.

I would see if your husband is willing to try and settle baby for at least part of the night, even if you bring him in with you at some point. Perhaps you could try and cut down some of the night wakings even if you don't stop them completely? although as I said before, even if he doesn't feed at night that doesn't necessarily mean he won't still wake, but there is no harm trying if you think it'll help.
I think it's important that your DH sees that this isn't a breastfeeding issue and it isn't something you can solve yourself... he needs to help

I would also look at how you and DH can share a bed. perhaps that means taking the side off the cot and pushing it up against your bed so ds can sleep in there and still be with you?

then, i would organise a night out! or if not a night out then an evening with a film and a nice dinner and no TV and just try and reconnect a bit

I just wanted to add my sympathy, you sound so down. I'm still feeding DS (2.6), but he went into his own room at about 4 months. It was earlier than I wanted, but we had a recall issue with his Amby hammock and the cot didn't fit in our room. He was already sleeping through by then, just made up for it by being permanently attached to me all day.

With all the allergies, I'd be really reluctant to stop feeding at such a young age, but I do think getting him into his own room and dropping night feeds would help you so much. I struggled to put limits on DS feeding, but once you do it, you realise that they really are ok and coping! DS was down to just twice a day at 15 months, and I ended up in hospital, not able to feed him for 5 days. He did remarkably well, though he went back up to 5-6 feeds a day in the month after!

Why can't you go out in the evening? Surely your DS is on solids right now so the babysitter can feed him?
Both DC were BF til 2.5 yo. It has never stopped me from going out for dinner or having a good relationship with DP.
Basically breastfeeding is a non issue here IMHO.
And it's not indulgent -HV is a bit thick, eh?

I nightweaned my DD at 11.5 months, but continued with early morning, naptime and evening feeds for several months after that and stopped bf altogether at 24 months (down to evening feed only by then).

The first night of not feeding was hard - my mum actually looked after DD, so I wouldn't be tempted to cave in - she took over 3 hours to go back to sleep, but mum held her and rocked her so she wasn't crying the whole time. The next night she slept longer before the first waking and settled within 1.5 hrs. After 5 nights she was sleeping 7:30-5ish. So yes, it can work, especially at that age.

The other thing - I thought I was developing PND when DD was 4 mths, but DH (a dr) told me my symptoms were those of burnout and not depression. I found it really helpful to hear that, because I was dreading having to take medication for depression, whereas simply sleeping more cured the burnout.

Is there some way you can schedule in more sleep? Can your DH take all kids out (to soft play or the park) for 3 hours at the weekend so you can sleep? Can you lay down with DS3 during the day while the older ones are at school(?) or in front of the TV?

Lots of sympathy - it was hard enough for me with one dc, can't imagine how anyone copes when they have older ones too.

Thank you so much for all the replies. Am going to go back and read them all carefully. I'm already in a better place as don't feel so alone now with all your replies and some ideas to try x

Yes, sitters have consistently managed to get DD2 off to sleep. IME my DCs fall asleep far better for other people than for me...

Hug aww hon you sounds exhausted. I breast fed ds until he was 3, I did manage to go out in the evening once he was on solids, this should be possible. Also agree with the other posters that maybe you should try to get your dp to take over so you can schedule some decent sleep. My dp Felt similarly at one stage, I was so exhausted I hallucinated and scared him to death, but I felt very strongly about longer term breast feeding and after reading more he agreed to such a extent that he uttered the immortal line 'keep going ds health is more important' lol I gave up when he was 3 and we were both ready though we still all co sleep. Hope you feel better soon

Hi there, sorry to hear you're so down. I am breastfeeding my 9 month old dd and I definitely don't think it's indulgent to feed past a year. I hope to keep going as long as she wants to. We moved her into her own bedroom at 7 months because we actually think we were disturbing her sleep when we came to bed etc.
Although she has never slept through the night, and used to be terrible, she did sleep better after the move. Recently we have been doing a thing where we put her down to sleep at 7 - sometimes she falls asleep on the boob, sometimes I feed her then rock to sleep with a dummy, sometimes she goes in her cot and falls asleep with me rubbing her tummy. It depends on her mood. If she wakes before 11, my husband rocks her back off to sleep. Then when she wakes again after 11, I feed her because she's usually hungry by then. Then if she wakes again and it's before 6, my dH rocks her back to sleep again.
She seems completely fine with this, doesn't cry and has actually started to just wake up once for a jolly good feed - which is manageable! I questioned whether we were doing the right thing and whether I should be feeding her at every wake up, but tbh, I needed to have better sleep in order to be perky for my other older dd.
it's hard, and sleep deprivation is terrible, I know the feeling. But it sounds like you're a lovely mom who really cares about your sons and I hope this phase passes soon.

Hi poppycat, I'm sorry you are so down at the moment. I'm in a similar situation to with a DS allergic to CMP and egg also being EBF, but he is slightly younger. He still feeds 2-3 times a night and we co-sleep as well but what I have found recently when my mum was around was that he would settle back to sleep if she rocked him (sometimes within a minute) and I am not in the room. I would think that if he is eating decent amounts during the day you might be able to night wean your DS and recharge your batteries with decent sleep.

I am planning to continue breastfeeding DS until he self weans or it doesn't work for either one of us. It's nutritionally best for him considering his dietary restrictions and I won't have to worry about his calcium intake as long as he is BF. DH is completely on board luckily. When I have thanked him for his support he told me 'our son will only get breastmilk if you, his mother, decides he gets breastmilk. As the father all I can do is support you'.

Maybe your DH needs to try and stop 'solving' your exhaustion for you and try other ways of giving you more downtime like doing more housework or taking the kids out on a weekend to let you rest? Apologies if I have misinterpreted the situation and if the above sounds a bit smug, that is not my intention.

No it's helpful,thank you.

I'm still feeding my dd at 4 (she is erm..reluctant to stop the night feed!) but she has slept through for a while, (I co-sleep too).My older dd self weaned at nearly two and a half,and was sleeping through at about 22m.
I do understand how you feel,as my DH is very supportive of my long term bfing but he does get concerned that I have at points been pretty depleted and worn out. This is my last baby (am 48) so I know it won't be for much longer and I try and eat well,take extra vits etc.
All I can say is it gets easier,they do sleep through in the end.
As for the relationship side of things,could you spend some time in with DH before you go to bed to sleep in with the baby? Just cuddling or whatever?

I'm sorry you feel so down.
I'm still feeding DS2 who was 18 months yesterday. He's a big boy and loves his food, so we night weaned him at about 12 months - however DH had to step up for that one, and it means that if he does wake in the night he has to be comforted by daddy - if it was me he would just get very upset as he would want milk.
I work 2 days and DS2 does just fine with food and cows milk when I'm away. I agree with PP that perhaps your DH is confusing the bfing with other issues. My DS has health issues and we agreed that it is very important that I continue breastfeeding. If you are feeling on the verge of PND, please speak to someone, it does help.

I Bf both min long term and I can never get these comments about BF past 12months being indulgent. You can't make a baby feed and there is still lots of nutrian in BM for a 12month old, I would have though that would be espicaly so for a baby who has multiple allergies. Show you DH this, and remind him the WHO recomends BF for AT LEST 2 years.

www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

I think the other issues you need to look at seperatly as other's have said we've been out with both since they where on solids, and at 15months DH can easily take DS out for the hole day and he doesn't miss milk untill he see's me.

DS still co-sleeps in a side car cot so we still have our own bedspace and we're all happy with the arrangment. DD was in a cot in her own room from 5months but would still wake up but I had to get up to her in the middle of the night for another 2years so we're in no hurry to move DS.

We tend to go out after they are asleep this way they have had there bedtime milk and a sitter olny has to deal with them if they wake up.

I'm still feeding my 12month old and have had other similar issues in the past so really sympathise too. He's also a ds3 and my last so it's breaking my heart to think about stopping too.

My priority was to sort out my baby's sleep, then get some time away for myself (going out for an hour a 2 or 3 times a week) and talking and talking and talking to DH. I also had some time to talk to a therapist/counsellor to try and help me work things out.

Things are now much, much better it just takes time and a plan of action!