Misery

[Echocave]

Im sitting here massaging the second bout of very painful blocked milk ducts thinking I've finally had it with breastfeeding. I've posted before but don't know how to link to them. Short version is my Dd was topped up with formula from her birth 11 weeks ago because of weight loss. Had lots of problems like tongue tie etc.

Since then I've been trying to get as close to exclusive bf as possible. I'm finally ready to give up. Her bottle feed is 75% expressed milk sometimes more but I am so sick of the disappointment when she feeds badly and I hate the bottles but she'd starve to death without them. I feel totally overwhelmed with misery and failure and worst of all I resent dd for not getting it despite all my efforts.

I am exhausted, miserable and don't know how to go on. Every bit of advice and approach fails. I'm very afraid that this had ruined my relationship with my daughter. Feeding is always so stressful apart from the odd wonderful time each day.

I also suffered a serious bereavement just before dd was born which i must admit i havent posted about before and all of it is just too much. Making everything perfect with dd was probably displacement activity.

Now it's failed I've got nowhere to turn, I don't know what I think about Dd now and I haven't cried so much in my whole life as in the last few months.

I know no one can help but I've never known such misery.

I am so sorry you feel this way but I feel as I must point out that you are NOT a failure. I only persevered with bf, expressing & top ups for 13 days before giving up. So I'm completely in awe of you for carrying on despite all those challenges. Well done, you're an inspiration.

echocave I am on my way to bed so I won't post again tonight, but I wanted to say 'I hear ya'....I remember your previous posts and your struggles.

I think it is significant you had a major bereavement just before your dd was born - that affects everything, including your own feelings of yourself as a mother, and this grief can act as a barrier in forging easy, communicative relationships with a new baby. I think from what you say you have some insights into this - and it's time to share them with someone in real life who can help, do you think?

This might be your HV, a doctor, other HCP who can point you in the direction of getting the sort of support you need.

My personal feeling is that doing that is prob more important than 'fixing' the bf because your baby needs you to be confident and not tearful and desperate, more than she needs your milk....and if struggling to breastfeed makes things worse, emotionally, then that might help you decide what to do. If stopping bf makes things worse emotionally, of course, then that helps your decision, as well.

It is normal to be struggling with the challenges of new motherhood when you are bereaved - that's the way the brain/body/mind/soul work. But you can get help, and I hope you will.

Speak tomorrow, maybe.

My heart goes out to you, sounds like you've done an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. Tiktok gave great advice there. Stopping breastfeeding at this point would not be 'failing', you've give your LO a brilliant start.

You've not failed. Failing is burying your head in the sand. Confronting the problem and acting on it for the good of your daughter, especially if it's a decision to stop doing something like breastfeeding when you've perservered for so long is, I think, the very definition of bravery.

I sympathise a lot. That was around the point when I gave up on bf too, fed up of constant pain, stress and guilt at seeing DS crying with hunger and getting as stressed as me.

Sounds to me like you are looking for someone to absolve you of your 'sin' of not bf-ing, you want s-o to say; 'it's OK, you tried your hardest'. Well, it sounds like you did try really hard so don't spend any more time beating yourself up. Just focus on enjoying your time with your DD.

DS is now FF only and it's not great but I try not to dwell on it too much. I am envious when I meet other mothers and they say they had no problems and enjoyed bf. Makes me wonder what I did wrong but no use crying over spilt milk (literally...)

It sounds like you've had a really hard time of things. It's my belief that breastfeeding sometimes comes with a high emotional cost. Personally I think it's time to knock it on the head if it effects your happiness and enjoyment of your baby.

As mentioned above babies need happy mummies more than breast milk. I'm sure this won't effect your relationship long term. You just need to make a decision about what's right for both of you and whatever you decide to do it will be the right decision if it makes you feel happier.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time - I really hope things look up for you soon.

echocave, how are things tody?

(pastabee, hope you won't mind if I clarify a bit. I don't think babies need happy mummies more than they need breastmilk. I don't think it's necessary to be 'happy' as a parent - plenty of mothers are not actually happy, and they breastfeed, and it is not a terrible thing for the baby. But it's the lack of confidence and the desperate tearfulness over many weeks and months and the unresolved grief that are the Big Deals, from the baby's point of view. It's more than just not being happy.)

I just wanted to say that I hope you are doing ok.

I think I also wanted to make everything perfect with my ds, also related to bereavement but well before he was born. And actually its not perfect (even though I am still bf him at 18 months) sometimes he didn't feed for as long as I thought he should, or wouldn't sleep long enough, or got distracted, or was in a grump about his teeth or some mysterious thing or I'm having a grump about something. But I think this is pretty normal. Once your dd is older you will feel more confident in your relationship as, basically, it will have been going for longer.

This is a good book about what is just so hard/amazing about becoming a mother and how it can affect your relationships, view of yourself etc. Its full of quotes from different women so you get different points of view. Wish I had read it when he was little and I was in the middle of that must-get-everything-right thing.

Thank you all for your help and advice. I've been to the GP who was very sympathetic and practical and now have a number of things to do. Which makes me feel better already.

On a micro level, she's given me antibiotics for mastitis but I'm not sure I've got it. Basically the boob has been going hard and painful and only feeding eases it. Theres low level discomfort all the time flaring to painful every couple of days. I can't feel a lump and massage etc doesn't seem to help. Also I haven't had a high temperature. Should I take the antibiotics?

That sounds like it could be an abscess, echocave for which first line treatment is usually antibiotics, so stay in touch with your doc.

Glad things are better today.

I haven't read any previous posts, so I don't know all the background. But I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering so much. How are you feeling now? If the pain doesn't respond to antibiotics I'd be straight back to the GP.

It's awful to go through such pain and the tiredness only makes it worse. Do you have anyone to help out with the baby? You really need as much rest as you can get if it's mastitis. Also it's important to put the baby to the breast as much as possible, as becoming engorged will exacerbate the problem. You need to empty the breast fully, ideally baby if she will cooperate. Hand express if necessary, to ease the pressure (pumps can cause problems sometimes).

Please don't feel like a failure, you are absolutely not a failure. The main thing is to get yourself better and relieve the pain. Mastitis some really good tips here (although personally I don't believe in homeopathy!). It's always better to be able to see someone in person but internet really helps in case you don't have access to someone trained in handing breastfeeding problems, or just so you can understand what's going on. I imagine the last thing on your mind right now is food but try to have regular small meals with as many nutrients as possible (such as a handful of nuts/can of sardines - if you like them). I say that because it's a time when it's hard to eat balanced food when we're sad/depressed, but then it makes things worse. And if you can't, try a nutritional supplement for now. Anything to help lift your mood (and it's not a fix-all but it does matter).

I agree with tiktok that if stopping breastfeeding is liable to make things worse, then just take things one day at a time. I have known so very many mothers who crashed hard after stopping, which was partly due to no longer having the breastfeeding hormones (oxytocin), and partly due to blaming themselves. If you feel you can carry on, do so, and if you feel you can't, please be gentle on yourself.

BTW a friend once sent me a reminder to breathe. Huh? Then I realised that I was sitting at work typing away, and holding my breath.

So eat, rest and breathe. Ask for help at every opportunity. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Hi there. It sounds like you've had a really rough time. I've been bf my lo for the last 4 months, giving her 1 bottle of expressed in the evening. Over the last couple of weeks, breastfeeding time has become so distressful - it's got to the point now where I get her into position and she immediately screams at me. We also had tongue tie issues (which I had fixed privately a few weeks ago) and I have tried absolutely everything to keep her latching on. I even paid for a private lactation consultant. I've been so angry at my lo for not feeding from me and was so so disappointed. I felt like a failure - this was not the experience I wanted. However, the only way to get milk into her is via a bottle now, which I hate. We've been this way for 3 days now. Like you, 75% of her intake is expressed milk.

In order to carry on, I think you have to make a plan for going forward and make peace with your situation. My husband keeps telling me that I haven't failed, but that our lo has made her own decision for whatever reason. As long as you express, your milk should continue to come, so you can keep feeding her this way. I know it's a faff, but at least she's still getting the good stuff too.

When you're ready, try to think of the positives. I now know exactly how much my lo is drinking and she is a much happier baby with a full tummy. It makes play time much more fun and she cries so much less. When I'm feeding her, she looks up at my with her big brown eyes and is content - not screaming and distressed. She also holds my little finger every time - which i believe is her trying to make me feel better about the bottle. And we always have cuddles after the feed.

Sorry for the long post, but please try to make peace with your situation and I'm sure your relationship with your daughter will improve. Mine is so much better knowing that feeding time won't be so miserable. And i have a much happier husband too, now that me and my lo are better. Lots of luck xx

Thank you all very much for replying. Albrecht, thank you for the book recommendation, Ive ordered it as it sounds lovely and reassuring.

Thankfully I'm no longer in pain and am taking a slightly less 'all or nothing' approach to the feeding as it's putting too much pressure on lovely little dd and me.

I think most of the feeding stuff stems from my lack of confidence in the early days when I was scared to drop top ups because dd was born so little. But I can't go back so, as you say, NicolaSeal, you just have to move forward.

Pleased you are feeling a bit better. It's a great book you've ordered. Really helped me with the days where I've felt like I've achieved nothing!

tiktok I agree and I think perhaps I really badly expressed my point..... I meant if breastfeeding is the source of unhappiness rather than unhappiness in general if that makes sense? echo i decided early on after many tears to take it one day at a time and to stop being so critical of myself and this made a real difference to me.

I'm sorry to be on here again, still moaning but I'm afraid I need to let off some steam again. Since last posting my GP recommended I talk to a psychiatrist about depression and they referred me to a counsellor saying I've probably got mild depression, I'm due to start a session in a few weeks' time.

Unfortunately I still feel like total crap over the feeding with dd who is now 14 weeks old. I Really feel like i havent bonded with her properly because I'm overwhelmed with irritation, disappointment and sadness when the breast feeding goes badly (pretty often). All the practical suggestions I've had such as doing every other feed without topping up have failed because dd is different every feed and won't take enough to sleep, be full etc. So we are always topping her up. She's recently had a growth spurt and is much hungrier all the time. This is good and normal I know especially as she's small but has made breast feeding harder as she gets frustrated and angry. Technically speaking, she's still getting better at it but I'm at the end of my tether again.
I'm so worried that its going to take me months to get over this. I know it's not her fault but I just can't seem to come to terms with the way all this had gone. I feel so irritable with her when it doesn't go well and I feel like it's all ruined my maternity leave. I am bitterly disappointed.