So want to give up breastfeeding, feels like such a fight.

[ContinuumContinued]

I fed ds 1 who is 7 for 9 months. He was jaundiced early on and so sleepy, but besides that everything went okay and I went beyond the 6 months I had planned on.

With ds2 who is now 3 months I'd read everything, I'd planned to feed definitely till age 1, maybe even 2. He was a forceps birth, VBAC, and my milk came in too late for him and the evening of the day before it came in he just screamed and screamed and wouldn't latch. In the end dh made an early hours run for formula which we gave him on a spoon and he was so happy. The community midwife came the next day and gave me a syringe to feed him as well as try to get him to latch on, then my friend came round with her old breast pump and once my milk came in I used the syringe with breastmilk while trying to latch him on. After 4 days I think it was I didn't need to do that anymore. So it was a tough start. I also know I have a few issues cos after the spinal wore off due to the forceps I wanted to sit up and feed properly (had him latched on laid on my back) but when they came to help me sit up they discovered I was haemorrhaging and my baby was handed to dh. And I still have that feeling of my baby taken away from me when I was going to feed him. I managed to avoid a transfusion to their surprise, but it was all shit.

So on to now. He is still hard to latch on, he gets upset. I have a fairly fast let down but not squirty and he gets upset at that. He wants to feed and gets upset. Half the time I have to have the hairdryer on as the white noise calms him but I don't want it as a crutch. I dread having to feed him outside so I try to make trips short. Last time I was too scared to feed in public just cos (issues), but this time I don't have that problem, but fear him just screaming.

He is basically a cheerful baby tho and I keep thinking if I'd had the repeat c-section I was going to have he would have had an easier birth than a head dented from forceps and one eye swollen closed.

I feel like I am so rubbish and I have bottles and formula and every feed I don't give in I feel like I've won, but I feel like I'm being slowly worn down. And I feel so stupid. I read here and kellymom and I work at it but I just keep thinking about ds1 and he fed and that was it and ds2 is so much more difficult. We aren't having any more and I just expected this would be easy and lovely.

I don't even know why I am posting this. There's nothing identifiable to solve. No point really. Just another evening where I am exhausted and crying and wishing that it wasn't my body that causes him such upset.

Wiser folk than I will be along with practical advice I'm sure, but I just wanted to let you know you're absolutely not alone in these feelings. I too had a terribly traumatic birth (and huge haemmorhage), and also 'blame' my body for a lot of the troubles I've had feeding DS. Awful troubles with tongue tie, oversupply, infected nipple wounds etc...

However, like me, you WANT to breastfeed, it sounds like the terrible birth process is the spur to keep you breastfeeding (as it is with me, I figure I should at least stuck to this where I couldn't 'stick' to my birth preferences). Specific BF issues aside, have you thought about having a birth de-brief? I did, with consultant obstetrician, and it went a really long way towards me forgiving my self/my body for 'failing'. I would say that instead of your body failing your DC, it is triumphing in the face of adversity. Yes, it is a huge struggle and threatens to squash your resolve, but:

You breastfed yesterday, you breastfed today, you will try to breastfeed tomorrow.

Birth trauma caused massive guilt in me, that was pretty much directed at breastfeeding. Once I started to deal with those feelings, and once DS got to 12 weeks, something clicked into place. I hope it will for you too. I'll make at for the good practical advice now!

You know I don't feel like I have a right to be upset about the birth as it wasn't "bad". I was all set on a c-section till a growth scan at 36 weeks I think it was said he would be big but not as big as ds1 (who was 12lb 4oz), so I decided to let nature take its course. I was due for waters breaking at 8am 41+5 days and if that didn't work I would be having a c-section. At midnight that day I had my first contraction and he was born at 6am the day I was due to go in.

I heard that being induced was worse pain, ds1 was induced and it was nothing compared to the agony of natural labour with ds2. When I was at the hospital the midwife kept telling me to stop the gas and air and push but I knew when I should push and it was all confusing, sometimes I would hold out and sometimes I would do it when she said. I remember hearing her tell the doctor for some reason the first push wasn't effective. I feel angry now because it would have been if she hadn't been telling me. Then I got exhausted. But then after I felt so happy I had not had a c-section, but at the same time got pissed off for dh telling people I'd done it naturally. I hadn't done it "naturally", I didn't even feel him come out. And because with ds1 they kept telling me he was coming, but he was too far up and badly positioned to come out and so I didn't believe them this time. When they told me the head was out I got dh to check because I didn't believe them.

But compared to the tough time some people have I feel like I should be grateful But then I was bleeding and my poor baby who got a bruised and swollen face was taken out of my arms when I was about to feed him cos I was bleeding and lost 1.3 litres of blood. And when my midwife left that morning she said I would probably be out the same evening, but was kept in two extra days because I'd bled even though I had taken my vits and so my levels stayed high enough not to need a transfusion.

And just this evening between posts ds has screamed about getting latched on, but once he is on and after the let down he is fine and so content and I feel happy, till the next time.

Thank you for replying Mombojombo It helps to feel not so alone and I so want to continue this and I hope I will. I hope it gets easier.

My pleasure, it just makes my stomach clench to read your reply as your thoughts are so similar to my own! I remember (and re-remember, particularly in the middle of night feeds) specifics of the birth, very specifically the feeling of horror as they rushed me into theatre when I haemmorhaged, that I'd just given birth to this wonderful baby, and might not now live to take care of him. Melodramatic maybe, but it's stayed with me and made me neurotic about continuing to BF!

I've actually been referred to the perinatal mental health team for some help coming to terms with it all. Not suggesting for a second that you need to, but your thinking you dont have a 'right' to your feelings is sad. Of COURSE you have a right to feel whatever you feel about the birth. It's a monumental thing, mentally and physically. Forgive yourself, but also give yourself time to reflect (healthily) about it all. And stick with the BFing!! I'm only 8 weeks further along the journey than you, and the difference is amazing, I'm so glad I persevered!

Have you consider having cranial osteopathy for your little man?

DD was a forcepts delivery and very brussed after, I think the cranio she had help her feed on one side which she was reluctent to to start with.

Another suggestion is try going back to basic's completly. Has a nice nacked bath with him, just carm and lots of skin to skin. And try biological nurtaring posstion, if you do this when he's not overly hungery then he mite just latch himself. He's not to old to try this and it may just help carm feeds down for you.

OP your posts have really moved me, I remember when DS (now nearly 5 months) was born - also a pretty traumatic event, big blood loss and no transfusion - he couldn't latch on for a few days. After that he could, but would cry in panic and anger each time, before connecting. I would cry and cry, it was so hard. And then he would latch on and I would feel filled with peace, happy. But each time was challenging.

I don't know exactly when it became easy between then and now, but it did. DS became more confident, I became more relaxed. And now there is no problem It was very gradual.

I am sure this will happen with your LO. But if not, you have already given him a lot of breast milk, you have given him the experience already too.

Also, re the blood loss - looking back I realise I didn't cut myself enough slack whilst I was recovering. It takes c 2 months to recoup blood. So be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot. Your body is amazing - it has produced two beautiful DCs.

Do not compare how you fed dc1 with dc2, they are both different individuels with different needs and ways.
Are you able to express, and then give him BM from the bottle. Have you talked to a BF counselor, or even gone to a bf support group etc. Or what about someone to just talk about the birth with. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself about bf, but also the birth, as if that was somehow your fault. If you end up ff then do not feel guilty, but try talking to people about bf and traumatic birth support.

Also i would not worry about using the hairdryer as white noise just at the moment, if it calms him down, it calms him down.

The title of this post says you want to give up breastfeeding.. so I would suggest that you just do as you want.
Stop.
Now.
No more.
Done.

there the decision has been made and all the pressure to keep trying has gone!
How you choose to feed him now is up to you, you could express or formula.

[if this sounds a bit daft but I was really struggling feeding my LO who was in intensive care. I spoke to my dh and said how horrid I was finding it and we agreed to decide in 24 hours. one hour later the nurse said I had to start bottle feeding as my son wasn't coping too well. I nearly kissed her because a decision I really didn't want to make was out of my hands. yes I was really upset by it, felt guilty etc but once the decision was made I could move on and start enjoying feeding my baby again]

Thanks for the replies, I've been reading them but have not had time to reply. Hopefully I will tomorrow.

Mombojombo Sorry about your experience, sounds horrible no wonder you need help coming to terms with it. I was too worn out to be worried I think. All of a sudden there were 5 people around my bed but they were all so calm and businesslike it reassured me, even though one of them was mopping up a lot of blood. If I'd been rushed to theatre I can't imagine what it would've been like. And glad you're a few weeks ahead with the bfeeding, I am hanging in there!

MigGril Thanks for that. Funnily something similar happened yesterday. Had a very bad most of the day then from 4pm-6pm we laid in bed together and he was on the boob, came off a bit, went back on, then at 6 fed easily from the other.

OovoofWelcome Sounds just the same. In fact I'd forgotten, don't know how, just how bad he was at finding the nipple early on. In hospital he would just shake his head side to side at speed and fail to find it, he was like a really really rubbish homing beacon! Perhaps a down side of being 9lbs 14ozs and quite well developed so had some muscular head control but not the brain power! And I suppose it has been gradual. Well it has. Not long ago I would've been so happy for it to be like this. I guess it's just length of time that wears a person down so even though it's better I'm just tired. And I probably was doing too much. I was so chuffed that even with stitches recovery from the VBAC was so much quicker and easier than the c-section!

kelly2000 Tried expressing and dh giving him a bottle while I wasn't around, he was having none of it! Too upsetting at times to do it from the boob never mind a foreign object I think. I've not seen a bfeeding counsellor because he does feed eventually on the difficult days, mostly because he's got himself so exhausted.

KatyN That actually helped me decide I wanted to continue! Well, at least until solids, but hopefully things will be better in a few months and I can continue. But yes, the giving self permission will be helpful at that point if things aren't great.

DD was tough to get feeding and although I didn't have issues regarding labour (so can't help there) feeding at 3 months was a nightmare. She was an incredibly fussy eater (still is really with solids) and I was one day away from switching to exclusively expressing. I am hired the double pump etc. But then it seemed to fall into place, the screaming feeds in the middle of the night petered out etc. In fact it co-incided with my return to work which I thought would make it worse as she had bottle preference issues. She carried on having mini nursing strikes here and there when teething or someone other than DH gave her bottles but it was still infinitely easier. I hope the same happens with you.

Although I felt labour was fine I do still blame feeding issues on fact I had to go to theatre for stitches (3rd degree tear) and didn't feed her first, so she was asleep when we re-met