Hi all
Before I even try for the next baby I am worrying about breastfeeding and any repeats of the nightmares I had last time. A short summary of my situation last time:
Inability for my baby to latch on post birth, Due to completely flat nipples - resulted in 2 hours screaming from hungry baby, after this finally managed to get him latched only thanks to a very persevering support worker and a nipple shield. Then fed on off through the night only with nipple sheid
Following this, the next day in hospital inability for him to latch on again, either with or without shield. New support worker criticised use of shield, my confidence was shot and she took the shield away saying it was counter productive. A further hour with screaming baby trying constantly to latch on without shield - in end midwife fed formula with sippy cup
Used hospital grade pump still in hospital to try to get more milk out to feed him since he couldn't latch on. Nothing came out after hours of pumping resulting in more formula due to lack of options
Returned home distraught and planning to FF but then continued to try with nipple shields. After a day he started managing with shields, but had to continue with formula supplements on an ongoing basis so that my milk production could catch up
A few baby moons later and within 3 weeks we progressed to ebf and were loving it. Even managed to wean off the shields as he learnt and his suck grew stronger
Then put of the blue major deep duct pain came in my breasts and he was becoming fussy. Turned out we both had quite severe thrush, for me it was absolute agony - it wasn't just in nipples, but in deep milk ducts and I would liken the pain to sever contractions in intensity. Had me sweating and crying pre feeds which were constant due to cluster feeding. Pain killers didn't help.
One doctor denied breast thrush existed, another prescribed a drug that is not licensed for bf. baby had to be bottle fed for two days whilst the thrush cleared up enough to stop my excruciating pain. By then my milk supply had dropped. I attempted to build up my supply again through expressing and recommending feeding my son. I did manage this and we were getting close to ebf again. Still no joy with expressing machines, though, and still thrush on little one's tongue despite his medication. I heard that once thrush strikes it can recurr so continued with one bottle a day to avoid recurrence of the trauma for baby and me when gong cold turkey with breast feeding (as obviously he also preferred the breast for comfort and bonding etc)
By now I think my mental health was being affected by the stress of it all and my overwhelming wish to breastfeeding. When I completed my course of thrush medication the thrush returned immediately, along with the horrendous pain during and between feeds - but worst during.
This was stressful for my baby and me, and I became subsumed by guilt for wanting to persevere, expose my baby to the unlicensed meds that passed into the milk (although bf support workers assured me that it would be fine) and my head was in a real mess. I used to bf him guiltily thinking I was being selfish and should stop all the chopping and changing between breast and bottle, which I was worried was confusing and unsettling for him.
So you can guess the end to the story. I stopped bf at 7 weeks, spent the next 6 months mourning the end of our bf relationship, toyed (in desperation) with the idea of relactation at very low points, and basically ended up with pnd which was wholly down to the breastfeeding disaster.
I don't want to go through this again, especially not when I will also have a toddler to take care of. But I do want to breastfeed.
Does anyone have any time or guidance based on past experience of some of the issues highlighted above? My nipples are still flat so that problem will be the same. And I am prone to thrush although I do take friendly bacteria tablets to keep it at bay. I just want to breastfeed and am scared of the upset that reliving all of this may cause, and the memories that will return.
Thanks for reading and sorry for the length!