help...

[jan2011]

my baby is bf during day. the best way for her to sleep well is that my hubby give her a bottle at 8 and then one at around ten - in total she takes around 8-10 oz. (of thickened formula - thickened as she has reflux). this has been working well for us. however, she is now 3.5 months, hubby wants to go out more. i have tried giving her the bottle which she won't take when he isn't there - my mum came last night and did the half 8 bottle, plan was for me to try second bottle, if she wouldn't take it then bf her over to sleep and hubby would wake her to give her the other bottle to help her sleep more through the night.
she took 8pm bottle for mum, mum left, i tried the second bottle which didn't happen, then bf her. she would not got to sleep. laughing giggling to all hours of the morning...hubby came in and we had a huge row as he criticsed everything i had done (not the way HE would do it!) and i was tired and irritable. he had to then top off with the bottle and she slept ok. i am exhausted and upset this morning, things r not going well between us right now.

i want to know i can look after my baby without his help. i am considering moving out! and even if i wasn't i would want to know if he went out things would be ok. any suggestions? ive tried loadsof times to bottle feed her it won't work. ive also tried feeding more early evening and keeping her up it won't work. i don't really know what to do.

Hi Jan, not sure how to help here but hang in there - am commenting hoping to bump up your thread. Remember that things always feel worse after a bad night. (Goodness that sounds so patronising but is meant to be encouraging!)Sounds like you and dh are working as a great team to care for your baby.

Your baby is still tiny, your DH might need to accept that he just can't go out for a while. Its not that you can't look after her, its that she won't take a bottle from you. This is common, normal and not anything that you are doing wrong! Sounds like she was excited that you were having a breastfeeding party instead of her normal night-time routine.

You can either keep trying - you could try different things, such as DH could start the bottle and you finish it or you might just have to accept that she won't take a bottle from you (my DS won't take one from anyone!).

If its any consolation in the early days it seems like it will go on forever, but when you look back its gone really quick and your little baby is all grown up...

You may have to agree and accept that a night out for dad means worse sleep for you all for a night. It doesn't have to be a problem if you both feel it's worth it. Had he had a drink when he came in? It doesn't sound as if he was very constructive! If he is going out he needs to let you get on with it and vice versa. Have you had any nights out? Fair's fair after all!

I'm sure you are doing a great job, everything seems worse at night with a crying baby.

Also remember that it's normal for babies to wake in the night. Our culture is obsessed with getting them to sleep through and making us feel like failures if they don't. By that rationale I would be the world's worst mother!

jan, sorry you had a rubbish night and a row....makes everything seem worse.

My first thought on reading your post was how complicated it all seems.

If your baby doesn't want the bottle from you, then how would it be if you just breastfed her on those occasions? Before she starts making a fuss and getting upset?

Of course nothing will guarentee you won't get a night when she doesn't want to sleep, and your baby's feeding is separate from the relationship difficulties between you and your dh, and his tendency to criticise you, and the fact you and he are in a not-good place at the moment.

In short, I don't think this is a feeding question, really.....hope things get better.

hi - i can't really think to reply now but just to say i have read all the comments and thanking everyone so much for posting it has really helped me.

hi i suppose it does sound complicated - i guess the issue was how do i get her to sleep without the formula or else how do i get her to take it from me?
but yes there is a lot going on in our relationship at the minute. he has been out a few times while i went to mums. i went out once and to be honest its not worth it - no sleep really affects me and i would prefer to even go out during the day than at night. but i haven't had much time to me, and yes i wish he would just leave me to do it as best as i can - its not my fault she kicks around and comes out of her swaddle because she isn't ready for sleep! anyway i guess that is for another thread - our problems. i just hate the arguments al the time they are no good for the baby. i am willing to be up late and get a worse nights sleep so that he can go out the odd time. he won't accept that he ca'n't go out much - so i need to find ways of dealing with this , yes it does all seem worse when im tired and weve been upset - maybe things will feel better tomorrow. i think he resents me for getting tired and resents me because i find it hard to cope without our normal routines - like last night i was despairing in the situation and he knew i would be wrecked the next day. so he is annoyed because he feels he can't do anything wihtout it affecting me.
anyway - sorry for rambling, sorry if i posted in the wrong thread.

Don't worry, we are all here to support each other . If you want to talk specifically about how you and OH are getting on, or about how lack of sleep is affecting you, there are many helpful posters on the Relationships and Sleep boards respectively as well.

It sounds as if you are having a tough time and I hate to say it but your baby's sleep could get worse before it gets better [bitter emoticon] so it might be an idea to try to clear the air now so you are both on the same page and pulling together. Easy for me to say, I know.

Hopefully you are all asleep right now and tomorrow will be a good day.

jan your specific question about how to get her to sleep without the formula is - whatever way works. Given that giving a bottle of formula isn't working for you, as Tiktok says BFing her to sleep may work instead. BM in the evening contains sleepy hormones which are designed to get a baby to sleep anyway so it could work well. Can you set your bed up safely and lie down with her and snooze together while your OH is out? If you still want to give that extra formula then he could do so when he comes home. Just so you know, while it can help some babies sleep longer there can be risks from it (there are some useful links here www.kellymom.com/nutrition/milk/infant-formula.html) but this needs to be compared with the risks of you being sleep deprived as well. I'm NOT saying don't do it, I am just making sure you have all the info, is all.

I will say that the difficulties that you and your DH are having are really, really not at all unusual when a new baby comes. Suddenly there's a need to completely re-negotiate your relationship. It's become a relationship of 3 people, all of whom are equally important, yet there is that pull to "get back to normal". Normal will, though, always be something different to how it was before and while some parts of "previous normal" can still be around, others can't. Which bits can and can't be are for you both to negotiate, and that will take time.

Compounding all this is a lack of sleep which comes with parenthood and can last for a long time. 3 months is not a long time with parenthood sleep deprivation... even though it feels like a lifetime... and it's something that again needs to be worked out. Planning cover for naps for either you or DH, (stupidly) early nights from time to time, maybe one or the other of you sleeping in the spare room if you have one sometimes to get an undisturbed night (or chunks of night if you're night breastfeeding), bedsharing with baby to make night time breastfeeding much easier (a great way to get more sleep is this), it's all about getting the strategies right to cope with the inevitable rather than fighting against the river and each other.

Most people go through this in some way or another. I certainly have. I deeply sympathise. It can be resolved but you need to do it together and it's unlikely to be one conversation. If you can look out for times when you're not both knackered, and try to bring it up avoiding the out-competing how knackered or pissed off you both are it can be worked out.

Good luck and you'll get lots of support here and on other boards (eg sleep and relationships) so keep posting. :)