Horrible La Leche experience - advice needed quickly!

[laa]

I've just spoken to A La Leche counsellor because I have to leave my DD who is 7 and a half mos. for 3 whole days next wk (building work being done on house)and she can't be here. My mum lives 2 hrs away and I'm not worried about leaving her with mum, but the La Leche woman said that on her return, DD would be very angry with me for abandoning her (at least the implication was that I was abandoning her) and possibly/probably refuse to breastfeed to show her anger. I felt that given I'd explained our separation is unavoidable that that was a terribly judgemental and insensitive thing to say to me. She just kept asking if I was sure I couldn't give her a few feeds.
I was really upset because I will obviously really miss DD and breastfeeding but this work just has to be done. Has anyone else had to leave their 7mo old for a few days or not breastfed for a few days. Also would an electirc pump be better at expressing my milk - a friend has a Medela one to lend me - has anyone used one before? Also, ifind it realy hard to get out any milk with an Avent hand pump. I just don't want my milk supply to dry up so that I can't feed her ever again. Also just wanted to shout a bit about La Leche woman because I was so upset and now angry.

I stick by the 'silly bat' statement. Totally insensitive and batlike.

what the Dickens is La Leche???????????????(whatever it is, i think she sounds very insensitive.(to put it politely!).(but i think i do have a problem with strangers telling you about your own child.........)

I am not sensitive on my own account , aloha, though thanks for thinking of me - nothing to be sensitive about as I am honestly pretty ok about not laying on guilt to women about bf - but I was sensitive to the possibility that particular La Leche League woman may have read this herself and recognised the scenario, and whether you would have said she was a complete bitch to her face or not, PPH, it sure would have felt to her as if you had done so Not that you were the only one slagging her off.

I wasn't stentorious!! I supported Laa as well, now, didn't I?

Hi Tiktok, sorry if I was speaking for you - I do note that sometimes breastfeeding counsellors do seem to get it in the neck sometimes. I do think this woman was out of order with her cod baby psychology. I agree it's not out of order to ask if a separation is really necessary, but it's the 'angry and will want to punish' bit that seemed so silly to me - and, I'm sure to you. I don't suppose she will read this, though I do understand your worry. I don't think India Knight probably read her stuff either, though I imagine she's rather more hardened to criticism!

Do you think perhaps a raw nerve was hit with laa? I agree that it appears really insensitive what was said by the LLL counsellor , but could part of the problem be that laa feels terrible about leaving her dd in the first place and was hoping to get reassurance from the counsellor that everything would be OK feeding wise on her return? There is an outside chance that her dd would not return to breastfeeding in 3 days time - it could happen that she may need to be coaxed. However, as others have posted, there are babies who have had longer times away from the breast and returned happily. I don't think the LLL counsellor was deliberately being insensitive but she could have communicated better. It was compounded probably by the fact she also didn't give laa the advice she wanted to hear.

Forgot to say I don't agree with the anger psychology either - more like babies can easily forget the joy of feeding and therefore may not be bothered to start again IYKWIM.

As I bet you know, Mears, discussion about things that people don't want discussing is an art that needs a lot of skill.

Mothers call me saying 'I want to give my baby a bottle of formula - is that ok?'. Well, I am a counsellor, and it's not up to me to say yes it is ok or no it isn't....but I can give information and part of that is to explain what we know about the health benefits of exclusive breastfeeding, the possible impact on her breasts if she misses a feed, as well as the fact that one bottle of formula is not likely to have much of an effect on her supply, but that more than one, or one given regularly, may do so (depending on lots of factors).

Sometimes, I am aware that women come on the phone wanting me to say 'yes, of course you can do this - it will be fine, and by the way, let me say it's a jolly good idea!' but my job isn't to reassure, or to offer praise. It's to support, inform and listen. Anything else is not honest, and it is not treating the mother as someone who has the right to make her own choices.

I hope no one feels judged by me for whatever they do - I honestly and truly don't judge them, not even secretly in my own head!!

That's not the same as saying I don't feel sad sometimes when a mother chooses to bottle feed because she has lost confidence in her breastfeeding, or if bf is going really crap for her. 'Cos I do feel sad...but I won't talk about sadness unless the mother leads the conversation to it.

Er...yes, I agree I shouldn't have slagged her off (actually I was using the word cow more as descriptive in terms of perpetually being around to deliver milk, which as we all know isn't feasible for most of us) but I DO think the counsellor was being out of order. I would have been incredibly upset by that kind of advice.

Hi everyone - if you're still reading this link. Thankyou so much for all your advice and messages- they really cheered me up and have persuaded me that I am not a Cruella Deville mum from hell. Alohs, fortunately my house hasn't fallen on my head, although it feels a bit like it miht happen soon! I've had trouble with acessing this website for some reason for a couple of days. Also I'm training to be an aromatherapist and have been massaging people every evening so I'm bloody knackered. But I feel really reasured by all your messages. I've never posted a message here before and think it's great. I'd better go before I start sounding like Fast Show man saying "brilliant" all the time - and before (soon to be abandoned!) DD eats hair dryer flex...

Hey, I just joined this thread and was startled to see that laa had been unhappy with the help given by La Leche. I had the exact opposite experience of my contact with them. Everyone around me assured me that there would be no problems with my first child, when I was going to have to leave her for several days when she was 6 months old (I asked my HV if she thought this would be OK. She looked at me as if I was a loony for asking!) My dd did go back to breastfeeding straightaway which I was very thankful for (those around me thought that I was barmy to want this, assuming I would want to wean at that point). The problem was her behaviour; she began to wake loads in the night and cling to me all the time, it seemed like I'd really shaken her confidence by the separation.
I turned to La Leche League after a few months of this, because everyone was urging me to wean her to 'cure' the clingy behaviour. At last I found women who acknowledged that separation could be a problem. Nobody in LLL ever made me feel guilty about leaving my dd, because they understood that for some babies it can be OK - trouble is, you don't know if your baby can handle it until afterwards. I guess that the La Leche person was just trying to warn you, so that even if you couldn't avoid this separation, you would understand what was going on if problems did arise. How many of us have warned a friend with a newborn about the dangers of using bottles of formula in case their baby is one of the ones who gets confused by bottles or develops a milk allergy? I know I have - maybe she thought I was a cow or a bitch for telling her, but I wouldn't feel comfortable not telling her, would you?