Help me please. Very needy baby, can't stop bf'ing, getting no sleep.

[nicknamenotinuse]

I have a 15 month old baby who has been bf since day one. I thought I'd give it a try and am still doing it even though I've tried to give up a few times.

My baby is so needy, she will cry herself stupid if I go near her with a bottle, she tries to knock herself out by banging her head on the cot if I try to put her in the cot or tries to make herself sick (she has co-slept with me since birth as I have 3 other children and it was just easier), she never sleeps during the day and at night, she just seems to keep going without feeling tired. I end up taking her to bed with me, feeding her and I'm so tired I end up falling asleep before I can take her to her own room.

I am an absolute wreck, I have no time for myself, my husband or my other children, I just have a constant shadow shouting and bawling at me if I leave the room. I am struggling to function and need help. I could cry.

Can anyone suggest anything for (1) stopping the bfing and (2) trying to get her to sleep in her own cot and (3) be less needy?

Thank you xxxx

Sympathies poor you, you sound truly worn out.

I saw a similar story on that House of tiny tearaways once, the things I remember from it:

• decide once and for all that you have finished bf, draw a line in the sand and stick to it, get a reward for yourself lined up to have after 'x' days of no bf If that helps
• tell her the milk is gone, whatever story you are happy with, but once it's done/gone there is no going back
• pick a few days when your partner is around (now maybe?) so they can help
• maybe explain to the other dc hat there may be some noise at night depending on their ages but to ignore, everyone will get more sleep soon
• make her bed 'hers' however you can, maybe she could go in a bed instead of a cot?
• research the rapid return - seems to work wonders in that programme

Good luck

oh god, poor you. i had 2 dc rather like that, and with both of them i got to 14 months and sort of hit a brick wall with it.

I stopped breast feeding immediately, literally just stopped, had sore boobs for a day or so but nothing worse than that. instead of breastfedding, i gave them warmed up goats milk in nuby sippy cups which have quite a wide rubbery spout, they refused the 1st couple but then by 3rd or 4th try, having had no breastfeed, they just suddenly took the cup, drank it and all was well.

as to the sleep, i suppose you could do controlled crying, which wasn't for me, but what i did do was put them in the cot, and just keep going in after 10 mins then 15 mins, then 10 mins then 15 mins etc, so although they obviously did cry, it was never for more than 15 mins. dc2 slept through on 3rd night. dc3 improved using that regime, but has only just started sleeping through at 23 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/1344508-High-need-baby-support-thread

I totally sympathise and you are not alone. I saw this thread and thought you might find help and advice

Have you tried offering water instead of booby? Although WHO recommend bf to 2 years, your LO doesn't 'need' BM now and can survive without any milk in her diet at all, though you may want to offer cows milk as an alternative.

Is there a particular reason you want to stop cosleeping? Is your OH not confident with her and she is picking up on the unease?

If I can do this from my phone,
this is the link for the episode I was talking about, not sure of there is a way to watch it?

Bugger link didn't work. Sorry Can someone much more capable please add the link to the high needs baby support thread.

Here 'tis:

High Need Baby Support

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/1344508-High-need-baby-support-thread

Firstly, can I reassure you that your baby isn't needy because you've Bf her. BFing and high needs seem to be linked in your post so I'm wondering if you think one led to the other (sorry if I've misunderstood) but it's not like that. Some babies really do just need their mothers so desperately and for so long, no matter how they're fed. Only being BF makes it slightly easier to handle as you have a wonderful tool on tap to help - although this is a mixed blessing as only you have that tool and that can be utterly, utterly overwhelming.

Sorry to contradict the other posters but just stopping at 15 months will be very traumatic for your baby, and possibly risky to you (from a masititis perspective).

However, clearly things cannot continue as they are and I'm not suggesting that they should. Just that a more gentle introduction to the changes that you're going to implement would be a kinder way to do things without her being left bereft without something that she currently relies on.

I assume she's pre-verbal? But she may understand quite a lot - if not enough to understand the consequences of weaning. It's still worth talking to her about it all (and continuing to do so, not just once).

Do you absolutely want to completely stop, or are there specific feeds that you'd like to carry on? Or, perhaps it's worth thinking about which feeds help you (say, getting her to sleep) and make those the last to go.

She doesn't need a bottle at 15 months. A cup would be better really as then you don't need to work on weaning her onto a cup later. Will she take any drinks from a cup at all?

Looking at the cot, some children absolutely detest cots. Have you considered forgetting about the cot completely? If there's room then perhaps a mattress on your floor, or a toddler bed next to your bed would be a nice way to introduce her to her own sleeping space. This would take a month or so I would expect to make the transfer, but it will happen. It may be that the cot bars just scare her and being enclosed away from you is too stressful for her. Being in an open bed may feel safer to her, and you can put low bed-guards (maybe the blow up type) on the sides to stop her rolling out.

Some links that might help a little:

www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/5-reasons-why-high-need-infants-sleep-differently

www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/31-ways-get-your-baby-sleep-and-stay-asleep

www.pantley.com/elizabeth/books/0071381392.php

This one is about separation anxiety: [http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/books/0071596909.php]] I've not read this book but having just found it for you I'm going to get a copy to check it out. I really like Elizabeth Pantley's other stuff.

This oen from Kellymom is about a mum's mixed feeling about weaning. I know you have said you're totally ready to wean so the reason I'm linking to it is to just help you think through the total picture of separating handling a high needs child from wanting to wean. www.kellymom.com/bf/weaning/momstories/toddlers_do_wean.html

And then if your decision is the right one, then this might help (you've got to love the Cow and Gate adverts that might pop up!!). www.breastfeedingbasics.com/articles/weaning-your-baby Beware - the first big chunk is all about the benefits of term breastfeeding, etc etc, so you'll need to scroll through all that (sorry) but at the end there are some good tips on weaning a toddler. Hope it helps a bit :)

Good luck. There is a way through this but the path might be complex to find. You've come so far and you've had a tough time with a child who needs you so much. She will get less "clingy" but it will take time and the more you can fulfill her needs the faster she will be able to handle the world. But to do that you need to nurture yourself as well, not to mention considering your other children and husband and that's a tall order. Hopefully you'll have got lots of support from your DH but keep talking to him and make sure he understands how you are feeling. Do join us on the high needs baby thread. xxx

Organic carrot cake. I love your posts. You don't 'know' me but I always find them so reassuring, well informed and supportive :)

Gosh, thanks! :)

What Tamdin said. I've only been on here for a short time but feel very comforted by organiccarrotcake and tiktok.

We had similar with my 15 month old son, breastfeeding every 1.5 hours, and we really needed some sleep :)

What we did was:

• my husband took over putting him to bed
• I fed him (had been feeding to sleep) then my husband did stories
• then, my husband talked to him and told him what was going to happen (he understood everything we said, don't underestimate their understanding when they can't yet talk), that he was going to lie next to him in bed and tell him a story to go to sleep, so he fell asleep on our big bed lying next to my husband whispering a story
• then transferred into cot which is still next to our bed
• then progressed to the story being in the cot with my husband lying on the bed
• we gave him a (safe) cuddly toy that he lies down and cuddles to go to sleep
• he then started waking up much less overnight and I fed him later and later, putting him back to sleep with a story when not feeding (my husband often did this, as it was hard for my son to be so near me but not have milk!)
• then I told him that the milk went to sleep at night like we did and that milk was sleeping so gave water instead
• eventually, over two months, he now (mostly) sleeps through til about 5ish
• hurrah hurrah he was never left to cry on his own and there was very little crying
• the really big thing was just getting him to go to sleep on the big bed lying next to us, as going straight from being fed to sleep to going to sleep in his cot on his own would have been a complete no go.(we never co slept, but always put him in his cot fast asleep).

my little one has never taken a bottle, and doesn't drink milk other than breastmilk. He feeds first thing in the morning, before his nap, before bed and maybe if he's a bit poorly during the day too. He has lots of cheese and yoghurt though and drinks water fine from a cup.

Good luck!

Breastfeeding is such a comfort to my little one, I can't imagine just going cold turkey as it really would be so upsetting for him (and me!).