Please help. Breast feeding is making it hard to bond with my 4-week old baby.

[Chocolocolate]

I feel like a terrible mother.

Breast feeding has so far been horrible. To start with dd could not latch on so we cup-fed her. I was over-pumping as I thought I should be getting as much as possible out to ease the full feeling, and ended up with hugely engorged breasts. DD lost more weight than she should have.

Then the midwife suggested nipple sheilds and dd has been feeding well with them since and putting on weight but I then became very ill with mastitis. I was so poorly my DH and mum had to do everything and just pass me dd to feed - which was painful.

After the antibiotics had cleared the infection it took another two weeks to get rid of the blocked duct that had caused it in the first place. I then got thrush.

I now have had a bad allergic reaction to something I use on my nipples so can no longer use nipple sheilds, cream etc and have signs of mastitis so have been given more antibiotics. Due to the allergic reaction my breasts are very red and sore (it's also spread up my chest and down my arms) and it's awful to feed. It feels like its burning.

As well as all of the health issues I just can't settle DD by myself because, whether she's hungry or not, the minute I go near her it reminds her of food and she acts hungry. If I latch her on she doesn't feed, she just suckles for comfort. Other people can cuddle her to sleep or play with her but the moment I have her she screams until I've given her my breast. I just want to be able to hold her without either her screaming or attached to my breast.

That sounds horrendous - have you been back to your Drs to see if they can do anything else to help?! And have you had any real-life support from the midwives/health visitors etc?

You're the furthest thing from a terrible mother I can think of, look at everything you've been through in order to feed your little girl! I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along soon but please don't beat yourself up, you've been very unlucky and that's all.

Bless you it sounds very hard

Is your HV or MW able to help?

Have you spoken to some one from the Breast Feeding network?
I found them very very helpful and understanding
Hope things improve for you

Hi,

didn't want to leave this unanswered. I'm not sure I have any pearls of wisdom for you, but I can empathise. You have done so well to get this far with breastfeeding, considering all you have been through. If you can get through all that, I'm sure you can keep going. Take every day as it comes and accept all the help you can. It does get easier. I remember feeling like a cow as it felt like all I ever did was feed, but when i look back on it, I don't remember all those hard times, I remember how lovely it was and how proud I was. When you look at your bundle, you should be proud... not only did you grow her all by yourself (almost!), but you have managed to feed her and give her everything she needs for the first 4 weeks, I think that is an achievement in itself. Be proud, stay strong and go with your gut instinct always xx

What the others said, lots of empathy and try getting some BF support. I go to a local BF support group and it's been fantastic. I hope you have one, please ask your HV about it. Good luck x x

Your illnesses sounds horrendous. I am so sorry you have had to cope with all of these. Am sending hugs along the internet..... FYI you are not a bad mother and any mother would be struggling in the face of these.

In regards to wanting to be with your baby without it looking for comfort, a boob or screaming then for our family it started to improve at around 4mths, 16 wks. Depending on your frame of mind one or the other sounds shorter....At 4 wks I was still in shock to be honest at having a baby and the neediness and the bfing.

Now at a year nearly every time she claps eyes on me its one or the other but my frame of mind has caught up to the situation and its just not so hard to cope with. Everything improves dramatically week by week from this the month point. That was the first time I looked back and thought "hey this week is better than last" and was the start of the turning point. Hope it works like that for you.
xxx

Your local children's centre probably hold a bf cafe each week. They really helped too xxx

Oh bless you OP, that sounds really hard! Probably there's a La Leche League group near you, they're really supportive and have seen all kinds of BF troubles so can help with tech support and moral support.

All the best!

Sounds like you've had a really tough time. Well done for doing so well.

There is a lot of support for breastfeeding out there: La Leche, breastfeeding cafes, hospital clinics, NCT. Hopefully they can help you.

I had cracked nipples and thrush with DD1 from the beginning and it was excruciating for weeks. Once it cleared up it was mostly plain sailing and she breastfed for 6 months.

With DD2, I had issues with latching on and she ended up only feeding from one side (even tried rugby ball hold and didn't work). It was so painful and I had to express from the other side and milk supply was going haywire. Persevered for 4 weeks and then switched to bottles (after lots of agonising and guilt). Best decision I made, she and I were both a lot happier, like we'd flicked a switch.

I know 2 friends who also had bonding problems related to breastfeeding, one switched to bottles at 3 weeks, other at 7 weeks. They both wished they'd done it sooner as they instinctively knew the pain and anxiety was not helping with bonding but thought they would be failures if they switched to bottles. Both are perfectly happy and well-bonded 5 year olds now!

You aren't a bad mother you have just had bad advice and some struggles.
Over-pumping seems to have been the cause of the problems. mastitis is usually down to not emptying the breast at each feed and now it sounds like you have infected mastitis.
you could turn this around if you want to.

First see a breastfeeding counsellor and check your latch is ok and get some help with positioning to make it as comfortable as possible.
4 week olds tend to feed as much as possible which is what they need. You have plenty of time to play with her later when she is in a pattern of feedingc and being alert. a lot of babies suckle for comfort, dd2 spent most days suckling me. It does pass.
Once the mastitis is cleared you should feel better but if it is still really bad discuss with a counsellor about stopping slowly

You poor thing. You are doing so well to keep going. If you can get the expert help you deserve, there is every reason to believe it WILL get easier. Meanwhile you are literally giving your child life - you have endured so much and all to give your baby this great start. There is loads of time for cuddles and playing and generally having a wonderful time together. Plenty of mums who aren't having these problems don't feel they have fully bonded at this early stage but it will come through spending time together and, as you get stronger, caring for her day to day. Congratulations and best of luck. You sound like a great mum.