Finally weaning 18mth old from the last feed - night time. Help!

[Trillian42]

A couple of months ago we went down to just one night time BF feed for DD - it was around 5am and meant that we could get a little extra sleep as she'd usually drop off again afterwards. She's not a great sleeper anyway (understatement of the century) and either myself or DH would usually have to go into her a couple of times a night to put back in her soother, but she used to fall asleep again straightaway. She's had a major developmental leap in the last 10 days or so and went from saying nothing, to maybe around 40 words, including mini sentences like "Dada no, want mama" "No mama, go in there" and pointing to myself and DH's room.

So now when she wakes during the night, it's no longer a case of popping in the soother, it means a full on tantrum as she now knows we can understand her and all she wants is to feed. This wouldn't be too bad if 1. it was still at 5am and 2. if she didn't want to feed for hours and scream like a banshee if I try to pull my top back down. She also twiddles my other nipple and a mole thing I have on the side of chest so it's agonising. She screams and screams if I stop her, but sometimes I can position my arm so she can't get at either and she'll give up trying to push my arm out of the way.

The other night she woke at 9.30pm and wouldn't go back to sleep. I ended up having to just go to bed with her & put up with her trying to feed most of the night. She won't go back into her cot either after feeding so it's co sleeping with DH in DD's room. I've had a few nights where it's been so painful that I've been sobbing - she thinks I'm laughing and starts laughing too. DH will swap with me after I've fed her for 30mins and I can go in to DD's room and he'll stay with DD, but he leaves for work at 6am so I've to take over then and unless I get up, all DD wants is too feed.

I want to stop feeding her now - there is no doubt in my mind that this is the time to finish. We're regressing from one feed to several during the night. I really need someone to give some hope/helpful suggestions. DH tried to settle her for 30 mins last night and she didn't calm at all. Do we need to go down the road of DH taking over completely at night and all the screaming that entails, or is there a way of doing it more gently? Any idea how long it will take?

You are right in one of the biggest sleep regressions, caused by 'the mother of all developmental transitions' (in the words of one developmental psychologist). It's to do with mental development, and is in addition to other developmental leaps like language etc.

It affects sleep, mood, daytime behaviour and the need to bf. Lots of children go on bf frenzies when they're working on mental developmental leaps.

If you feel you really really want to stop bf'ing NOW, then you can persist, but it will probably be tough and there is a good likelihood that sleep will continue to be disrupted for a while even if you stop feeding at night. If you can face waiting a bit, you may find that stopping feeding is an awful lot easier for everyone.

You can read more here, here and here.

For working on sleep problems in general, I'd really recommend the No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Pre-Schoolers by ELizabeth Pantley.

You could try the Jay Gordon thing, which we've been doing with DD and has us down from several feeds to one at between 4am and 5am which we're now tryi g to drop (which basically means being up until 6am when I will feed her) but it does seem to work. jay gordon

With DS at 18 months, who sounds just like your DD we went cold turkey with DH doing the lot. DH took two days off work (Mon and Tue) and we started on Friday night, by Sunday night he was sleeping through!! (I won't mention the various sleep regressions since.) It was rotten and I didn't sleep much even with ear plugs, but it was only two nights and DH was with him the whole time, I think Jay Gordon's thing about cross not scared is very true!

AngelsfromtherealmsofgloryDog I didn't know that about the sleep regression - I thought we'd reached the end of those! The links you provide talk about 18-21months - in reality any idea how long the sleep regression lasts? I presume it's not 3 months (I hope not anyway!). How long would you think we would need to wait? I didn't have much success with NCSS the basic book to be honest, but will take a look at that in the shops.

Emskaboo I read that when we were cutting down her night feeds to one, but as what we were doing seemed to work, I didn't try it. DD seems to get more distressed if I'm there than not so we might do the same as you. We have a downstairs spare bedroom and that's where I went (with earplugs too) when DH did the night time wakeups before. He said it was horrible for the first night. Were you weaning as well or was it just the sleep issue?

After reading about the sleep regression I think I'll wait a little while, but I don't know how much longer I can take it to be perfectly honest. :(

We were weaning and dealing with sleep. He was waking 6 times a night, every 90 mins to 2 hours and would only resettle if fed. I was going mad, pretty much literally, was referred to mental health services, but it was all lack of sleep. I was always totally against letting him cry, even if he was just cross, but it was that or me totally going off the edge!

That sounds very tough. DD thankfully adapted to DH settling her sometimes during the night quickly enough. I also can't stand to hear her cry - it's like it hurts me. I can relate to the 'mad'ness too - I've had depression in the past and can recognise the signs emerging again but like you, I know it's sleep related. I'm so exhausted all the time that I can't really function. Well done on getting through it!

IMO the toddler NCSS is better than the baby one - but it does depend a lot on the child IMO.

I think that 18-21 m.o. is a generally unsettled patch, but I doubt the sleep regression should last that long. Unfortunately my main source for knowing about mental development stops at 17 m.o. so I don't really know, but with previous leaps it's usually in the range of 1-6 weeks, varying by child and by age/stage.

Daytime behaviour in the run up to developmental leaps is described as 'clingy, cranky & crying'. DS had more tantrums then, and would constantly ask for milk but then not really want it (used to drive me nuts!) If that sounds familiar, you should see improvement at night when the day improves.

DS has always been badly affected by developmental leaps, but for some strange reason the 18 month one completely passed us by.

If you want to start working on something, I'd get DH to put her to bed in the first place (assuming he doesn't). That way you've more likelihood of him being able to resettle her in the middle of the night.

I would also definitely make sure you're not around when DH is trying to (re)settle her - IMO very few children who want bf will accept being resettled by their dads if they know their mum is 'available'. Some people have to actally leave the house for a few nights to get it to work.

Talk about timing - DD slept in her own cot until 7.30am this morning! One wake up, settled by DH in about 3 mins at 3 am. I woke before 6 when DH was leaving though and started worrying that something was wrong with her. I couldn't go back asleep and eventually crept in at 7am to make sure she was still breathing. I was starting to drift off again when she woke up. I did BF her then, though I was wondering if I should have just brought her straight downstairs for breakfast.

If by some miracle this happens again, am I better off not to BF her would you think?

AngelsfromtherealmsofgloryDog DH works late 4 nights a week and so can't put her to bed those nights, but he does the other nights and DD often goes asleep more quickly for him than me, so I think it's only the BF she's looking for. DD has been a lot more clingy the last week or so alright - she threw a full on tantrum when DH tried to put on her shoes because she wanted me to do it. I think we need to find a behaviour book next - she's reached the age of 'mine mine mine' and 'no no no' and more worryingly, hitting the other baby at the childminders

I think it's not uncommon for children who are shattered from lots of waking to suddenly sleep through, but hopefully it's a sign of things to come. :)

Definitely sounds developmental-related to me - hopefully it'll all calm down soon. 18 months or so is definitely the time they become proper toddlers rather than big babies. Personally I enjoy it more than the baby stage, but my DS isn't too tantrum-prone (most of the time!)

That going to sleep faster for DH sounds very familiar too!

If you're wanting to wean, I'd not offer a bf if she doesn't ask for it, and maybe try giving her breakfast first. You can always change your mind if she gets upset about it.

Well last night DD woke at 1am and could not be consoled. So back into bed with us again. DH & I are both cranky and sniping at each other as we're both wrecked. Lack of sleep is not good for a marriage.