Hi all, will try not to go on too much, but want to give as much of the story as possible, need opinions.
DS, now 5 weeks 2 days, was born 8 weeks early. He was in NICU for the first 3 weeks, on respiratory support, in an incubator, jaundiced for the the first week. I was meant to have had a CS at 38 weeks because of previous surgery, so had not prepared even slightly for a natural birth, however he arrived so quickly there was no choice - no-one believed I was in labour until I was 5cm, so I didn't even get any pain relief. I was terrified. I had GD, a bicornuate uterus, hypertension and a knackered placenta, no-one's sure which one or combination of these was to blame for his early arrival.
I was asked in the delivery room if I wanted to bf. I've always wanted to do this, so of course said yes. I was then dumped in a room on the post natal ward furthest away from the nurses' station, given a breast pump (no discussion, no advice, it wasn't even taken out of the box) and left to get on with it. After a lot of hard work and sheer bloody mindedness determination, fast forward 3 weeks, I was about to leave NICU with an exclusively bf DS (I had some great support on here at that time, I was so proud of myself). The NICU staff told me to stop using the electric breast pump I'd been using 8 times a day as soon as I started rooming in, 48 hours before leaving. On leaving, I was convinced DS wasn't getting enough milk - I'd tried saying this to several people, but no-one would listen. I also didn't think I should just stop expressing, but again was told it was best for DS.
Anyway, 2 weeks + on, and I've had to give him formula for the last 10 days (after he lost weight quite dramatically, he's putting it on very well now), supplementing with what meagre amounts of breast milk I can still produce, in a bottle. Turns out he wasn't strong enough to stimulate my supply on his own, and it's gone from 1100ml a day to 200ml, if I'm lucky. The constant trying to express, as well as doing all night care (he's quite unsettled at night) after my husband's gone back to work, has got me on my knees. I'm attached to the pump for 4 hours a day, for 200 mls. This is even after taking domperidone for the last week to try and get things going again. The final straw was last night, DS for the first time was not interested in my breast - I had been putting him to the breast each feed before giving him a bottle. He would latch on, then spit it out, eventually getting frustrated and starting to cry.
I've had enough. I've tried so bloody hard, I'm getting support from bf counsellors etc. now we're home, but had zero support in the early days, and some advice that was downright wrong. I've just had a heart-to-heart with DH, and he says he's thought for days I need to accept it's not meant to be, as he can see me getting to the point where I'm so stressed about bf I'm not enjoying DS as much as I should be. I think he might be right. I guess I need to hear others' opinions, am I a pathetic failure for giving up now? Or should I accept I've given it my best shot and concentrate on enjoying my adorable DS while he's little?