How can dads help ?

[MetalMan]

My wife has returned to china with our 12 mth old baby daughter. I am in UK until we have some work completed next month. All seemed fine when she left ( a week ago ) but now she is blaming me that I was not more help when we were trying to stop breast feeding. Although baby is taking solids and I think is healthy she worries that baby is not fully weaned and still crys for the breast all through the night but my wife thinks she has no milk. She is blaming me for not helping more to stop breast feeds. Hope someone can sympathise with this and suggest :What can/could a father do to best to help mum during a traumatic weaning time ? . Thanks

Hi there. First idea I had was to ask your wife how she would like you to help more. She might have some specific support she would like with the transition.

If it were me, and I wanted my husband to help with night weaning, then the best thing he could do for me would be deal with all the night wakings (therefore milk is not an option and the baby either learns to settle with help from you, or stops waking at all).

I hope your wife is not too stressed, if she wants to keep feeding the baby and is worried her milk has dried up I would recommend calling one of the breastfeeding support lines as they would be able to help her work on a plan to reinstate her supply of milk or increase her confidence that it was still there.

It is lovely to hear from a supportive dad!

what jointhedots said.

also, maybe try and explore what is upsetting your wife most, as it maybe that stopping breastfeeding is making her sad or feel down.

i am still bf my son, but the thought of stopping is quite distressing to me and i know it would affect my mood. the bonding of breastfeeding is very strong, so it maybe that she also needs some comfort with that decision.

the upside of this is that you can both share feeding now.

I agree that I would see the father's role as trying to settle the baby at night without the milk feed.

However, if she's in China and you're here, you can't help her in a practical way at the moment, only in a supportive, listening way. I'm a bit confused by your post though- why does your wife think that she has no milk, and why does she want to stop breastfeeding? How often is your daughter waking in the night, and how does your wife re-settle her? Is she in a cot or co-sleeping? There is no reason your wife has to stop bfing, unless she wants to. If she feels it's the right time to stop, she can try to do it alone or wait until you are together so you can help her.

Either way, I would suggest you or your wife post her with a few more details and I'm sure you'll get loads of advice.

Thanks JTD. I think most dads wish to be supportive but don't always know how ! I would try to bottle feed baby but as she would quickly bat the bottle away it seemed more natural to return her to mums breast. The problem we now have is that she is without my physical support - but will be with her mum from tomorrow so hopefully things will get better.

Anyway your comments are really helpful thanks again

If I understood your OP right, this is a problem that has only surfaced after she has returned alone to China with the baby, leaving you back here. So she is suddenly finding herself in new surroundings, without your support, and quite possibly surrounded by friends and relatives who are busy telling her that she has been doing everything wrong (remembering how my Chinese SIL struggled to keep both cultures happy with her baby rearing). And on top of this, the baby is quite possibly unsettled with the move, and your wife may be unsettled from the end to breastfeeding. Not surprising if she is panicking really. I think what she needs from you atm is understanding, listening to her concerns, not being too defensive, but making it clear that you want to support her in the future and are willing to learn from her what she wants.

Thanks Pozzled. good questions

why does she think she has no milk and want to stop breast feeding...BB is petite but I put that down to genes and the fact that she is now walking. I am not concerned about her weight but I guess culturally my wife has been spooked since in China they tend to celebrate heavier babies. My wife is now worried our bb may have a growth problem. I am getting the blame for that too as after the 6 mths checks ( which were always showed baby to be in the middle of the growth curves) I did not suggest / arrange more weight checks . So to answer the question she thinks she shoiuld stop bf because bb is not getting enough calories

bb wakes about 4 - 5 times a night upon which we bring her from a cot to the main bed but in China they are sleeping together.

I will be talking to her soon and hope to get a better understanding of her worries/anger,

Bornsicky thanks only a mum could have that insight !

Cory I think you may be onto something too and I will try not to be too defensive ( thats hard ! )

It sounds as though she is stressed and worried and blaming you because it makes her feel better? (Not because she actually thinks you are in the wrong.) I would try not to take this to heart, although it's not nice. Perhaps something to have a conversation about when she gets back.

You could reassure her that breastfeeding is providing extra calories on top of the food baby is receiving in the day.

Breast milk is very calorific and is rich in all the right nutrients for a growing baby. If she wants to continue breastfeeding alongside of solids, it would be the best diet for your baby. However ifshe's not producing enough milk she could look at increasing her supply. Kellymom.com is a great site for info or background reading. seeing a gp or breastfeeding counsellor to discuss would be the best place to start.

Good luck. You're being a great support.

Thanks everyone so far. Great help all round and I be able to sleep a little easier myself now and hope to have a good talk with my wife asap. Will keep you posted.

Breastfeeding is fine, and some babies are real boob monsters and it is hard to stop. I only stopped at 18 months, after trying to stop from about 3 or 4! Stopping at 12 months shows that your wife has done a fantastic job and your baby will have had the best possible start to life. Weaning is rather an emotional time and it's best if you can listen and be supportive in regard to the future rather than what has already gone by. Also relatives tend to know best and this is tiring for all! What is important is that your wife knows you will support her on how she wants to wean baby, or whether she wants to at the moment.

Just to share my experience, my own DD still BF in the night until 11mo and beyond. At this stage of bf, the nightfeeds do start to get so tiring and tiresome and you wonder whether the night bf will ever end, and it's easy to begin to resent your partner when you hear them snoring away in the next room. (or in your case she may imagine you enjoying completely uninterupted nights back home while she's struggling on her own.) She will know in her heart that blaming you is unfair, but sometimes it all does start to feel like the balance is being skewed in the mans favour when it comes to getting a decent nights sleep.

Tbh, I did 'blame' my DH for refusing to help me with nightweaning the first time we tried it. When nightweaning failed, I did hold him more than partly responsible and told him so. In the end, DD dropped the last night feed of her own accord at around 11.5 months or thereabouts. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I was just looking at another thread, and saw another poster - so sorry can't remember who - had posted this link. It's still open on my browser and might give your wife some peace of mind with her worries about your DC size and calorie intake etc

www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

I have just been reading it and it has given me some food for thought about continuing to BF my DD who is now over 1.

Just checked, it was Migril who had originally posted that Kellymom link