Breastfeeding Sorrow

[Purpleprincess81]

Hi, I'm not really sure why I posting this but I guess I need some moral support about how I'm feeding my daughter. She's 10 weeks old and before she was born I suppose you could have called me a lactofascist (little did I know). I had a very medicalised pregnancy and an induced birth which ended up in an emergency C section. My daughter didn't latch on to my breast after the op. We got loads of help and support and she just couldn't do it. I had to pump every 3 hours in the hospital to get my milk to come in,which happened on day 6 and in the meantime my daughter became jaundiced and was given formula via cup and syringe.

The saga continued at home after discharge when she was 5 days old and I continued expressing, actually making enough to feed her without the need for formula. My daughter latched on with a nipple shield when she was 2 weeks old and I happily switched to "exclusively" breastfeeding but she wasn't putting on weight fast enough and was really antsy the whole time. After 10 days I realised my supply had pretty much dried up and switched back to pumping. This time however I couldn't get my supply up and after 5 days of pumping every 2 hours I had gone from getting 15ml per pump to about 40ml. I went on fenugreek and domperidone but I can still only get about 60ml per pump and my daughter is getting half formula and half breastmilk.

She was also diagnosed with a tongue tie and we had that divided when she was 8 weeks old but she doesn't even latch on to the nipple shield anymore as she gets frustrated so quickly. I have had a couple of successes with her latching on in the past week after a couple of sessions of cranial osteopathy but she pulls off crying after about 10 seconds as she's not getting any milk.

I am devastated by this turn of events and feel really angry and sad that I'm not going to be able to feed her. I've done everything I could to make it work but I still feel guilty. I also feel like I'm missing out on something really amazing and quite frankly I think I've failed the first motherhood test. I hate pumping and it takes a large chunk of time out of my day. I don't understand why breastfeeding hasn't worked or why my supply is so shite. All the books say if you stimulate your nipples enough your supply will increase but it hasn't worked that way for me.

Another one here who could have written this post 6 months ago! My circumstances were a lot less traumatic than yours have been, but the problems essentially the same. Poor latch, low supply, expressing 24/7 and feeling utterly depressed about "failing" as a mother! It really is NOT the case but I can totally empathise with how you're feeling right now. Someone should really tell you how difficult BF is going to be.
I expressed and mix-fed until DD was 6 weeks but at that stage felt that I was spending too much time expressing and getting not very much for my efforts so decided to FF exclusively and enjoy spending time with my DD. It was hard and I still felt really down about it for a while afterwards, to the extent that I was even jealous of people who could breastfeed successfully, but in the end it was the best decision for us both.
As long as you know that you've already given your LO the best possible start in life and you should be proud of what you've achieved so far, whatever you decide to do in the future.

Purple you have had an awfully tough time:( glad you are getting real life support too.

I think you have had a really difficult experience and need to find time to explore your feelings and options. Your baby is getting breast milk, you are breastfeeding and no one who ever matters will judge how you feed. You have worked so hard to make this work and it can be so complicated sometimes.

Can you spend some time with your baby enjoying skin to skin and taking the pressure of whether your baby latches... Some of what you are missing out on is peace of mind and a chance for that oxytocin to to surge. Give yourself this...am sure that you will have been told about biological nurturing and maybe with the pressure off you will get more latching behaviour or a better reception to the sns if you choose to use it. And maybe not but you might have a good time whilst you snuggle.

An unclipped tt that is really impacting on a latch makes things tough and unless that is spotted early and you are helped to pump as if pumping for a prem baby or other long term non latcher building to a litre or more by about day ten and using cluster pumping and at least 10 double expressings with a hospital grade pump then many people struggle with their supply. have you got a hospital grade double pump? I presume so but they can make a difference as can evening cluster pumping if you aren't already doing this...that is of course if you want to try this. Is your dose of domperidone as high as it an be (obviously only if your doctor thinks this is ok for you) and have you tried hand expressing...sometimes it can be more effective than a pump.

Your need to balance wanting to try everything and hating pumping is a hard one, is there anything that can make it easier? A weekend with some other help, a good box set of DVDs... You have a supply so the more you take the more you make... You can have yourselves a day or two of intensive pumping -if you can face it- where you aim to pump as often as possible...there is no upper limit. Check that your pump is comfortable and well fitting...your nipple shouldn't touch the sides for example and if they do the yield is reduced, some people need differently sized cups. Is sterilising hard? If so forget it and dump the milk as you are better doing more pumping for your long term supply rather than wanting to keep every drop but not getting time to sterilise...

Hope you come to a place where you are happier with the results of all of your hard work. You haven't failed you have had a much harder bf experience than that of most mothers.

Good luck with it all.

Wow gaelicsheep that's brilliant. You don't sound smug at all. Well, here's hoping for a good outcome myself. Good luck with the weaning!

Dd fed and fed and fed last night, came off squealing and caved in with a bottle :( she drank a whole 5 oz before finally passing out for 3 hours. I co- slept and fed on demand all night so hopefully it won't have adversely affected my supply too much ( my thinking is she sucked continuously for hours and hours yesterday so my supply should still be building)

It s so tough but hopefully it will work out.

Hi, sorry I'm a bit late to this message board, just wanted to add:- as most people have said on this thread you've had a difficult experience and not everyone is able to breastfeed. I had twin dear sons (DSs) and wasn't able to breastfeed, but preserved until they were about 4 months old and had (like the original poster) to feed also with formula. One twin was tongue tied (but at that time 1995 nobody offered any suggestions, just carry on!!) and both had reflux. Both are now over 6' foot, healthy young men studying for their A'levels, the only bit of good advice I received from our GP was "to do as you need to, whether its formula or breast, don't make too much of it as it could develop into problems with food later on". I took his advice and never looked back. Hope that you and your Dd find a happy compromise for you both. Good luck.