Breastfeeding at 12mo - feeling like a freak

[RubyrooUK]

Hello

I just need a bit of moral support really. My DS is 12 months old. He still breastfeeds a lot and loves it. But I've noticed recently that a lot of friends/workmates seem to think it is mental he is still feeding. Let me explain.

Since birth he has been a rabid breastfeeder. He has never slept more than 3 hours without a feed, ever. I went back to work full time when he was 9 months and he has always shunned bottles or cups of milk (gags on formula or now cow's milk) but happily drinks water. So he has yoghurts and cheese by day and breastfeeds at night.

This is all ok but he still wants an evening breastfeed, two or three feeds in the night and then an early morning feed too. This kills me a bit but I just figure he will grow out of it eventually.

When I go out at night - which happens relatively regularly for work - he usually cries himself to sleep which can take up to three hours. This is with his dad. If he discovers I'm gone when he wakes up, he won't go back to sleep and just sits sobbing and staring at the door till I return and feed him. My husband is amazing with him so this is no reflection on his care.

So basically I don't feel I can give up feeding him yet. He seems to need it so much. But friends and work put a lot of pressure on me to be out more at night. When I say it's difficult because he needs me for feeds (although I do go out to all birthdays/work events/anything organised but just not to the pub a lot during the week) people react like it's crazy that I'm still doing it.

Recent comments:

Friend: don't you feel trapped?
Another friend: don't you miss your freedom?
Work: He is a big boy now - he doesn't need night feeds.

Help! Any moral support? Should I be tougher and wean him now or does it matter if I let him keep feeding until it matters less to him?

try t-shirt www.lactivist.co.uk/ill-wean-when-im-ready-long-sleeve-organic-p-29.html

arse, got the link wrong: this t-shirt

The "I'll wean when I'm ready" shirt only goes up to 12-18 months?

to be fair, they do have quote a good selection for 3-4 years :D

You want me to tell you the story that made ME feel weird? I was at my bf group, and overheard a discussion between the other mums (that bf to 4-6 mo) and THE BF COUNSELLOR about how odd it is at LLL seeing people feed toddlers, and they ended up agreeing that anything over 9-11months was just odd. And this was the BF counsellor. Not BFN, local ones employed by the PCT. DS3 is now 7 months old, and I'm starting to feel odd going to this group, was intending to let him self-wean. No-one in RL knows this though, as although I bf my first 3 dc, I 'only' got to 6mo with DD (was told by HV I had to stop, due to my age then (16), and SS involvement, I did), 4mo with DS1 (again HV said he needed formula), and 3mo with DS2 (most of which was expressed cup feeding due to his SN, again gave up on HV 'advice').

So most people in RL think I'm going to stop at a 'normal' time, in fact, I can imagine the faces when my friends at the school gates realise I'm 'still' bf'ing a 7mo with teeth. Everyone I know has stopped when their dc have teeth, bar one. And she didn't exactly 'publicise' it, I only know because she is my DS1's stepmum. She fed to 18mo, when her DS self-weaned when she fell pg.

I KNOW I'm going to have to keep my decision to let DS3 (a total boobie monster) self-wean quiet. People already think I'm weird!

Think I may start going to the LLL meeting in town soon - just further to travel than the local group with the frankly ODD bf counsellor!

DD is 27 months and still at it. First thing in the morning I awake to ' Mama - Booboo' then she says out of the corner of her mouth ' Ta'. All my family think it is weird except my sister who did the same until DN was 2.6.My MIL thinks BF is weird full so I don't really let on that boobies are still on the menu now.

I wish I'd seen your thread earlier, Ruby! I'm feeding my 13mo DS and worrying about the number of feeds etc but he's not ready to drop feeds so I'll wait until he is. I am however going to try and stop feeding him to sleep for his nap.

As for people thinking you are weird, ask them why it's any concern of theirs? I have no idea why people think it's ok to criticise and undermine your choice to breastfeed whereas if you were to berate them for using a dummy you'd get flamed? Breastfeeding is sadly an easy target in this country.

loudlass - this is completely not on. The person agreeing with the mothers is prob not a breastfeeding counsellor but a peer counsellor; she will have a co-ordinator who needs to know how uncomfortable this has made you feel :(

I agree with tiktok, the support lady needs further training on how to be a bf supporter!

good on you op.

Ds is 18m and still going strong. Am expecting dc2 in a month a people keep asking what i'll do about feeding. I'm suprised at this as most of those who ask have two boobs themself...it's not like i'm the only one!

Blimey Loudlass, no wonder you felt weird when you heard someone whose job is to support breastfeeding making those comments. I'm sure Tiktok is right though and they are not really a breastfeeding counsellor.

I know I said thanks before for all your messages, but they did actually cheer me up when I was feeling a bit low. Logically I know it is nobody's business but mine if I want to keep breastfeeding, but it can be hard when you don't really know anyone else doing so. One of my friends breastfed till 8 months but still thinks it looks funny to see older babies/toddlers feeding and is quite open about it.

After writing this, I talked a few more friends and discovered some interesting stuff. One of my best friends is still feeding her 10 month old and as she is planning to go travelling to Asia with him, is intending to feed him until he is at least 2 years old to help with any illnesses etc when they are away from urban areas. He loves breastfeeding.

She weaned her earlier child at 12 months but told me: "DS2 loves breastfeeding in a way that DS1 just didn't, so I won't be weaning this child any time soon. If DS1 had been like DS2, I'd have carried on longer. So don't feel worried if your DS loves breastfeeding because my DS2 will probably carry on till 21 if he can." So she is very supportive.

And another friend admitted to me when I said I felt funny because she had made lots of comments about my freedom that she had given up breastfeeding at 5 months because of various issues (including pressure from her family) and now regretted it because she had loved breastfeeding so much.

So thanks again for the support I got here. And for those of you that said it was nice to see people talking about feeding normally about feeding older babies/todllers. I agree.

....I mean "toddlers" not "todllers", I agree.

All this lack of sleep is really not helping my ability to type. :-)

I know you're feeling better now, but I just wanted to add my support.

I fed DD1 until she was about 21 months, when I was four months pregnant with DD2, my milk dried up and she lost interest.

DD1 was not a big boob monster and dropped all day feeds when I went back to work. Once she couldn't have them some days, she wasn't interested on the days I was around. She also dropped night feeds some time before one, so it was only morning and night. They all do their own thing.

In terms of comments from friends, I usually find blunt is quite easy. "Don't you feel trapped?" "No. It's great" (with big smile). If you go this route, don't be tempted to explain or justify, just move the conversation on.

One other thing, your DS is reaching an age where he can start to understand you being away and accept other comfort. The crying must be really hard on your husband. Perhaps he might want to think about starting to create some 'mummy is out' rituals that the two of them can run through together when you aren't there? Things like special yoghurts, special stories, special bath toys that he only gets when you are out may start to help him feel that you being out is different, but not necessarily bad. Over time, that might help him to start settling when you aren't there.

Oh, finally, my DD was incredibly 'clingy' as a small baby. She would scream if even DH held her for a while. When I went baby groups, she would scream the place down if I even went to the loo. When I went back to work, she adored our amazing nanny, but would likewise scream if she left her at all. Today, she is the most independent two year old you could imagine. People actually comment on it. She has her shy moments, but will charge into a baby group with barely a backward glance. I firmly believe that a child who is securely attached in the early months can use that attachment to be more independent when they are ready. What is this obsession with making children who are still babies get used to not having us.

I was also blamed for my DS1's clinginess when he was small and was told that bf him until 13 months was the cause. Total nonsense of course. He carried on being pretty clingy through childhood- just the way he was.

Now he is 21 and his favourite hobby is travelling!!!

So glad you are feeling cheered op :) Just wanted to add my support too, and agree with the op's, it's fantastic that you are meeting his needs & 12m really is still very tiny!! I used to remind people how old my DS was in weeks ie 52 weeks when facing hassle about "still" bf him.
I practised a bemused, slightly startled smile & quoted WHO to anyone who challenged me. I was approached by my HV team to train as a bf supporter which gave me further confidence when challenged " oh the benefits of bf a toddler are amazing don't you know....do you want to know what I've learned...?" etc etc.
My DS is now 3.5 & I asked him if he thought he'd stop having "milk" & he looked at me like I was crazy....he'll stop when he's ready & I'm happy with that. My DH is fantastically supportive which has always helped.
Nights out will get easier & I like what was mentioned about special Daddy time....
Milkyjo I went back to work at 11m,onto odd working pattern/DS in daycare & didn't express - you may be pleasantly suprised to continue bf if you want to, my DS would have "catch up" sessions when we got home & magically could feed when he wanted to despite entire feeds being missed for days...
Loudlass agree that bf "supporter" is actually not supportive of bf, personal feelings/judgement frowned upon greatly, could you report her to anyone??
Like the others, I agree that if you meet the need, the need goes away...wanting to be near mummy at this age is normal/healthy human behaviour!!

I assume they are BF counsellors, they are employed by the PCT, and one of her colleagues was present at DS3's local appointments about his TT (before it was snipped in London). Don't know who I would 'report' her to, surely I'd have to ask her which kind of defies logic, really.

TBH, I think, given the attitudes of the other people that attend this group, I may find myself more at home with LLL, I am going to look into meeting times once the older dc are back at school.

I.e. the TT was snipped in London, but the counsellors are from my local town, hired by the PCT.

I am breastfeeding my 12 month old DD and loving it! No plans to wean her at all. Will wait till she is ready to self wean (I am hoping this will happen at around 2-3yrs).

I haven't had any negative comments yet though. My family are very supportive and so are tbe in-laws (MIL nursed her own children till around 2), so I am considering myslef lucky that I haven't had to deal with any critism so far.
She will be starting nursery in a couple of weeks and the nursery manager said she would not mind at all if I want to come in and feed her at lunch time (Was exepcting her to be a bit at still feeding).

Good on you OP and I don't listen to anyone else. You are doing something fantastic for your baby.

Apart from BF, a baby at that age still needs his mother at bedtime and it is not up to your workmates to decide whether he needs you or not.

Loudlass - they are almost certainly peer counsellors, because PCTs employ hardly any properly trained and supervised 'breastfeeding counsellors' - but the title 'breastfeeding counsellor' is not protected :( and anyone can call themselves one.

NCT, ABM, LLL and BfN train people who are breastfeeding counsellors or the equivalent (LLL and BfN have 'leaders' and 'supporters' respectively - it gets so confusing I know :( ) .

Peer counsellors typically have 12 weeks of one session a week training - they do a fab job on the whole but they may or may not be 'good enough' to have all their attitudes and mindsets challenged, because that sort of self-awareness and development can take a long time.

Complain!!

At my NCT antenatal classes, we had a session on breastfeeding. The course leader was a midwife who also (at the time) ran my local breastfeeding support group. Someone asked during the class how long to continue breastfeeding. The leader said six months exclusively, then you can carry on, but anything much over a year is a bit odd! Everyone chuckled and agreed. I really wish I had complained about that. She was off on sick leave for a while but I think she's back now; maybe I should go along to the breastfeeding support group and ask for some help with feeding my 13 month old!

woodlands that was an an NCT class???

Seriously?

Please do make a complaint to the NCT. They would be furious to know that one of their class leaders was making such comments.

No, I'm sorry, I meant NHS class - realised I mistyped as soon as I saw this on Threads I'm on!

Hi, just wanted to say you are not a freak. My son is over 2 and I'm still feeding. he finally stopped night feeding, with a little persuasion, sometime around 18 months.

The two things that kept me sane were reading about other people doing the same thing (LLL, Sears website, local bf group) and about the continued benefits (less bouts of d&v so less time off on parental leave - surely your boss will approve!).

Also I just stopped talking about it. I was absolutely wrecked from lack of sleep but I stopped mentioning it. People would ask me how was sleep and I said 'fine'. I didn't give details, I didn't moan. I saved all my moaning and despair at being knackered for people who didn't use it as an excuse to give me crap advice.

Keep doing just what you want to, there's more of us out here than many people think!

woodlands ok :) Still VV poor. Have you considered making a complaint? If you have the energy it would be a positive thing for future parents going through the group.

Irony is that you can guarantee that pretty much everyone there had cow's lactation fluid in their beverage. But that's not weird at all.