Short but firm statements please before am forced to kill MIL

[peedieworky]

Okay! To start with apols as doing this on my phone so may be typo central. In brief, my inlaws are in their 70s and are kind, generous and lovely people. My MIL raised three sons almost single handed while her husband worked and she dotes on my DS. BUT!! She is very pass-remarkable and has some very old fashioned ideas. My wee boy is 12 weeks old and EBF. His weight gain etc is perfect and for ages he's managed on 5 day feeds and one overnight. Then he slept right through for 10 hours for past two nights. Hubby and i have been on holiday since Saturday and inlaws joined us today till.Saturday. Since MIL arrived she's gone on and on about when am starting DS on bottle as he's too big for me to feed (am a size 6/8). She claims see dudnt have enough milk to feed my hubby and that her "milk left her" early on with all her three boys. I've basically ignored her.comments and showed her how content my son is - as to be honest i feel his night sleep is irrelevant (even if up. hourly my milk still enough for him!). Tonight for first time since a tiny.tot he woke about 2 hours after put to bed. He was inconsolable and i had had wine with dinner so he got a bottle expressed milk. He only took 30mls but now she has taken this as proof that she's right. I don't want to be rude, have tried educating her and ignoring her but would value any suggestions for things to say to shut her up. Before am forced to kill her...

My GMIL always expresses concern that I might be getting rundown with all the BFing, and tells me about how she got quite ill after a few months of BFing my DH's uncle and how she was very anaemic etc. I never quite like to say yes, but I eat tons, you were doing that when rationing was still in force.

I'm starting to get a lot of advice from various sources about putting DS2 on solids. He's 18 weeks and seems OK with just his boobies for now and HV is very happy with his progress, but the well meaning people insist I'm starving him, he'll be a fussy eater later, it never did me/DH/their child any harm etc. Aaaargh.

Not having enough milk, weaning now, giving water at night and feeding too much are all comments I've had too, from my mum-in-law, dad and my gran. I don't mind it really though - their intentions are good. They've successfully raised kids in the past, that was the information they were given by professionals at the time and it worked for them - it's natural they'd want to try and pass on their experience to me as a first-time mum, especially when they see me doing something different. They're not pushy about it, at least.

I've found weight-gain a useful way of shushing them - it's concrete and they can't argue with it. "I'm not worried, he's such-and-such weight, which is perfect for his age, so we're going to carry on like this for a while," whilst pointing out a particularly podgy baby thigh.

Thanks guys. Back home again and able to relax.. I agree with all who said that they are well-meaning and no sense in arguing! Still bl*dy hard to bite my tongue though. But over the course of the holiday I noticed that they frequently contradicted themselves, so I had no chance of educating them. For example - one minute I was told to "let him cry - it does him no harm you know"..then a few hours later I was in the loo when he started crying & was informed that "crying his his only way of communicating you know - you shouldn't ignore it" (AAaarrgh! Like I didn't bl*dy know that! I had assumed his Gran or Grandad would pick him up and not just sit there watching his distress!). Have to admit I did have to stuff a whole potato in my mouth though when MIL started to lecture me on how I should BF ("He's not feeding you know - just suckling. Feeding for 20 mins is ridiculous. And you're offering him the 2nd side too? There's really no need.."). DH did his best to distract her thankfully, and remind her how well both DS and I are doing with feeding. Best moment of holiday though has to be the morning of her last day when 12 week old DS was getting his nappy changed and she asked me how he'd slept. I informed her he'd slept fantastically - his usual 10-12 hour stretch. She rolled her eyes and asked how many times he'd been up through the night to manage that - tagging "I don't see why you're being so stubborn about giving him a bottle" on half under her breath.

"None - same as the night before and the night before that and..."

That shut her up!

She sounds like she's just the argumentative type - only interested in telling you her opinion and letting you know that she disapproves. Does she comment negatively about what other people do / say? Is she ever enthusiastic or encouraging? If this is her general attitude then it doesn't matter what you do (BF / FF; CIO / AP), she'll have to say something. Time to practice assertive parenting and prepare yourself to ignore lots of nonsense in the years to come!

I know you want to just play nice but in a year or two you may find that she's undermining you in front of your DC(s) and then it won't be so easy to ignore. Being firm but polite now could avoid more problems later.

I have perfected "the look". My DMum now knows when "the look" is thrown, she needs to shut up :o! She doesn't interfere that ofter really. I think she thought I was going to be a quivering wreck of a first time mum, constantly on the phone looking ofr advice, but I've apparentlky shocked her at how confident I am! Think she's slightly disappointed!!

Orchidee, you make a good point! GlaikitFizzog - any chance of a deathstare masterclass??

Looks a bit like <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=death+stare+cartoon&um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&biw=1024&bih=456&tbm=isch&tbnid=GxyrrcSn8y6GOM:&imgrefurl=peasandcougars.com/2011/08/08/reunion-and-giveaway/&docid=a7aoPJPTbjw_ZM&w=640&h=497&ei=8nZRTpuCNsuJhQeL35TmBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=408&vpy=108&dur=10025&hovh=198&hovw=255&tx=115&ty=115&page=3&tbnh=129&tbnw=139&start=18&ndsp=10&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:18" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this

My mother also 'didn't have enough milk' to feed me, so gave up at 3 weeks & didn't attempt to bf my younger db. She is slim & flat chested & attributes my successfully bf'ing my 3 to my being rather more buxom!

Obviously all of this is bollocks - she was just very young, had a very hospital-y birth, & FAR too many elder sisters etc flapping round her with bottles. Also, it was 1970.

But she is hugely defensive about it - I know she thinks she 'failed' - this became apparent when I had ds & my MIL regaled us all with the story of how, as a first time mum nearing 40, she defied legions of health professionals who told her she was 'wasting her time' attempting to bf BIL (then dh & then SIL).

My poor mum - I think it really forced her to re-evaluate her own experience & question the 'I didn't have enough milk - nothing I could've done' understanding she'd always had of it.

So I do think you should absolutely stick to your guns, but be aware that it may be a touchy subject for your MIL & this may be why she is so determined to see bf'ing as something that is not to be relied on , iyswim...

Yes - am aware it may be touchy. Unfortunately - she seems to have an opinion on every element of child rearing!!

Argh I retract my previous statement of how to deal with my DM and sister and am just going to stop ringing them.

My sister has been down to see her niece (ie. sit on arse all day and be waited on hand and foot whilst having all the nice playtime with my DD while I run around like headless chicken trying to cook and lentertain her) and has clearly gone back and debriefed my DM. I had a lovely call this morning instructing me on where I am going wrong (ie. Everything), the reason she won't sleep at night is because she is sleeping too much during the day (the yawns are signs of boredom as I don't entertain her enough apparently) and as a 3 month old she should be self settling and only needs an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon, it sounds like she is teething so I need to get some whiskey in as I will regret it if I don't and I am feeding her too much and shouldn't be giving her food just to comfort her.

I really bent over backwards to make my (childless) sister feel welcome and even smiled through all of her advice (lectures) on how to get my DD into her cot and to sleep by herself. Arghhhhhh peedieworky I feel your pain..

Rant over. MIL is lovely though and would never dream of imposing with unrequested advice.

Oh Gods, never go on holiday with your relatives. You're not alone. Recent hol with my MIL ended up with a massive row:

"You're embarassing me, yourself and everyone else" (by NIP - he was 8 months)
"Would you let (DS1, 6 yrs) stand on the table and pee? THAT'S natural!" er - no.
"It's disgusting and dirty and you'll turn him into a cissy" (co-sleeping with DS2, 8 months at the time)
"I'll be watching with interest to see what kind of spoilt child you'll turn him into with this feeding on demand rubbish". Which was nice.

etc etc.

Followed by, "I wish I'd never come on this holiday" errr - yeah. Me too.

And then sobbing to my husband that I'll never let her see her grandchildren again. Yeah, coz I'm a nutter like you, lovie. Or not.

She's also of the "he should be feeding every 4 hours by now (a week old)... that's what I did... of course my milk dried up at 6 months" era.

Ho hum.

Oh my word - there are some corkers there! Love the notion of a 3 month old bored by Mummy's company and co-sleeping turning a child into a "cissy"!! One of my favourites on our holiday was the apparent link between DS drooling over his top, me not seeing the need/point of putting a bib on him to absorb aforementioned drool (in fact I don't own a bib - never needed one yet. He's only 13 weeks FFS!) and me not ironing his clothes. Am still baffled as to what she was trying to say and am not entirely sure she knew herself...

my mil has a great way of 'not hearing' things she doesn't want to talk about - i should take note!

my lines are: i'm too lazy to prepare/wash up bottles, i don't want/need to, formula is expensive.

eeek am off on holiday with the PIls for a whole week next week... not sure what they think of me still BFing 13-month-old DS! MIL is v pro BFing but don't know if that applies at this age.

Well my FIL commented on me still BF my 12 week old DS! Asked if I was "going to be one of those Mums still breast feeding their bairns at 18"..

"of course my milk dried up at 6 months"

WEEKS, not months. Important difference!

Her milk dried up at 6 weeks BECAUSE she was feeding her newborns every 4 hours. If that wasn't blatently obvious.