EBF a 13 Month Old

[Leeny10]

Hi, I am wondering if there is anyone out there EBF and still daytime BF. According to my HV this is not necessary. I have split from my partner and he has been demanding full day access for 6 months now (he has access twice a week) I don't get much when I express to replace a feed and don't see why my DD should be given cows milk if it is not necessary. I have also struggled with my supply so don't want to hamper things as hoping to EBF for 2 years as recommended if I can. Problem is my HV is not supporting me and said from a health point of view there is nothing wrong with cows milk and as she is over 12 months old it does not matter if my supply depletes as this will happen naturally. So why can't it happen naturally. She also says that as I use cows milk sometimes with her solids (due to not always getting much when I express) then this is another reason why it should not be a problem. Does anyone else add cows milk in this way I would have thought this was normal. She shares this opinion with my ex who is now threatening me with court. This has all caused me a lot of distress and sleepless nights which of course I can do without. I get the impression she feels its normal to stop BF during the day so I would be interested to find out what others do. In a way it feels like I am being forced to do this.

Hi,

Firstly, get yourself another health visitor. She is obviously ignorant to the benefits of breastmilk and is not supporting you in the way you need.

Mixing cow's milk with solids is perfectly normal if your child will tolerate it. However, breastmilk has loads of benefits for you both with aren't in cow's milk. "Just because" you give cow's milk doesn't impact in any way on her need for breastmilk or the benefits she gets from it. It is not valid to argue that because she can have one, she doesn't need another.

However, you need to get some more specialist (legal) advice on whether your ex can force you to allow a full day's access, so you know where you stand. I would also talk to a breastfeeding counsellor such as the NCT line (0300 330 0771) about how not feeding for one day a (insert how often he would want access) might affect your supply. It may be ok at this point.

With regards to daytime feeding, many, many children over a year old are breastfed several times during the day. It's perfectly normal, in the same way as it's perfectly normal for a person to drink several drinks a day, or whatever other analogy works. It's also very common for toddlers to be fed only in the morning and at night but that's not the point - it's your relationship that matters, not what others do (although I do understand that knowing that people BF toddlers in the day supports your case).

Good luck with this. Horrible situation and I really feel for you :(

Sounds like some very odd advice from your HV.

DS is 16 m.o. and feeds maybe 5 times a day and far too often at least once at night. He's had a drink of cow's milk once in his life.

Cow's milk is not necessary - it's up to you whether you use it in cooking or as a drink.

Lots of people do only feed a little in the day at that age, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. The World Health Organisation recommend feeding 'frequently and on-demand' until the age of 2.

I don't see the harm in occasionally just feeding morning and night and letting your DD have cow's milk/no milk in the daytime with her dad? It won't end breastfeeding or stop with breastfeeding in the daytime on other days.

Milk is important, but so is a relationship with both parents. Unless there's more to this, I can understand your DDs father wants to spend more time with her.

Very valid point, Rita, which needs to be made. It is extremely important for a child to have a good, strong relationship with both parents, and for the health and wellbeing of the child, more important than most things, so don't let this issue get between that, if you can.

Just to add, my ds is 9 months old and obviously still feeds during the day (2 or 3 times usually) but recently his dad has started taking him out for the day on a Saturday. He offers him cow's milk or formula at "normal" feed times but ds would rather wait til he sees me for milk Obviously he gives him plenty of food/snacks/water. It's worked fine for us and hasn't caused any supply problems - and I get to enjoy a baby free day while dp gets to bond with ds.

Thanks very much for the replies. I have went to see my GP about the HV and have a follow up appointment with him next week. I did get legal advice but the sols felt the HV opinion would hold up, I think I need to look into this further. Unfortunately I get very little milk when I express and I also only feed from one breast so I do have legitimate concerns for my supply and I am not just doing this to stop my DD seeing her father. He works full time and sees her twice a week. He has been putting a lot of pressure on me since I was pregnant. Maybe I could give her missing a feed a try and see what the impact is but I feel my ex will then ask for more and more as that is what he is like. Also without the HV support I dont have any backing.

Leeny, I have bf both my children - DS until 2yrs, and now still feeding DD who is 2.5yrs.

With DS I went back to work 2 days a week and he just had food and water when he was with his childminder, had milk morning and evening (and through the night). In fact he carried on with just one feed first thing in the morning between 18m and 2yrs. He did seem to lose interest in day feeds after I went back to work, and I didn't realise that I could offer.

With DD I didn't work at all, and she has definitely had more feeds for longer (still has some day feeds now). And at 13 months bm was definitely still a big part of her diet, as well as being comforting for her. I felt more relaxed about offering her milk, rather than feeling that I should be making her stop. I know more people in RL who have fed for longer this time round, which does help with confidence.

Try not to see expressing as an indication of your milk supply. I only really expressed when my two were under 6months (and that was rarely), and found that as they got older I got less out, but they were obviously still getting milk!

DD occasionally has cows milk as a drink, but I don't see it as something that I should encourage her to drink lots of. I have never used bm in cooking (even when weaning) as I tend to cook one meal for the whole family.

Kathy Dettwyler is an anthropologist (BS/MA/PHD) with a special interest in bfing CV here.

She has written a letter to be used in court cases in support of bfing see here long term. It may be helpful for you. On her site it says you can contact her directly for a printed/signed letter to be presented that can be presented in court/to solicitors or for additional help.

That's not to say that fathers should be involved with their long term nursed children, that could still be facilitated by Dad having the baby for an hour or so every other day (perhaps) rather than one large block of time once a week. In fact I would have though frequent but short visitations would be best for a young bf child (much like people recommend not just one day nursery a week but two or so sessions).

HTH in some small way.

I assume you are not working? What would you do if you needed to return to work?
At 13 months most of us would probably carry on breastfeeding morning and night on work days, and whoever is looking after the baby would offer cows milk and water in the day. On days at home some mums would breastfeed in the day as well, others would stick to morning and evening feeds. I don't know if many people would feel the need to express at this age, I didn't.

It is obviously normal to breastfeed in the day at this age but I'm not sure if you can argue that it is necessary.

It seems to me this is less about breastfeeding and more about your relationship with your ex partner.

Just one point about what your solicitor said - HVs frequently know very little about BFing so it's reasonable to ask what training she has in it if what she says would be taken into consideration. I would perhaps contact a breastfeeding counsellor from the NCT, ABM or LLL and see what their opinion would be (on your milk supply).

WRT your ex pushing and pushing, "using" milk as an argument may or may not work but really what you need is a proper agreement set in stone which wouldn't change as you weaned further, so perhaps that's more the thing to aim for.

Agree with organic - have you looked into mediation for coming up with an agreement? Maybe compromise on something like he has her mid-morning til after tea, so you can still fit a couple of feeds in around that and your DD still gets a good chunk of time with her dad.

I still feed DS in the day (he's 19 months) but when I'm at work he'll have oat or coconut milk enriched with calcium, which he has done from 13 months. I work three days a week, sometimes 4.

My supply has been fine - you've been BF for so long, it'll cope with full days without giving a feed, so I wouldn't worry about that.

As someone has said - this is about access to your child, not about milk. She'll be fine without milk feeds in the day, I can promise!