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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Can you spoil a 4 month old exclusively BF baby???

23 replies

Sam1975 · 29/04/2011 17:10

Im afraid Im having a big dip in confidence at the moment regarding our `bf routine (or rather lack of it...) and would be thankful for any advice whether I am on the right track or indeed doing it all wrong (as suggested by MIL, DP, ...). Basically, our 4 mths old DS is - I believe - going through the 4 month sleep regression, mostly waking every hour during the night. I used to feed him every 3 or 4 hours at night in the past, but have started to offer him the breast whenever he wakes for the past week which has helped calming him down + have started co-sleeping. However, for the past days, all he wants when he sees me is to be latched on (also during the day), so much so that he starts crying and refuses to stay on his dad's arm as soon as he spots me. He is then mostly sucking, not actually drinking. MIL and DP are now suggesting that I am spoiling our LO by offering him the breast so often during the night and that that is part of the reason why he is waking so often...I always thought he is still too young to be spoiled, but must admit that i am now terrified that I am creating a little monster who will still be screaming for my breast when he is 5 years old!!! Is it normal that all he seems to associate me with is BFing AND is my family right in saying that I am causing him to wake up every hour by offering him the breast all the time?

OP posts:

Iggly · 29/04/2011 17:13

No they're wrong. He wants security - give him security and he'll feel more secure then need you less (as he knows you're there for him).

I did the same with DS and at 18 months, I can't see any ill effects (could be too early )

TimeWasting · 29/04/2011 17:16

He is very possibly starting to teeth and the sucking soothes the pain.
You're definitely not spoiling him. He's so little, of course he wants his Mum!

moondog · 29/04/2011 17:16

He is a tiny baby with a tiny tiny stomach. He needs a lot of feeding and a lot of love. If you want to beat him into submission by ignoring his needs then do as they say. Otherwise, pick him up and love him and feed him. Babies this tiny need to be with their mothers, warm and fed and safe and loved.

Lastyearsmodel · 29/04/2011 17:23

I had an idea when I clicked on this thread that there would be a MIL involved...

Do not let anyone undermine your instincts. You cannot spoil a 4mo baby. You are responding to his needs which will make him trust you and will strengthen the bond between you. That is the wonderful thing about breastfeeding - only you can do it, so for a (sometimes long) while only you will do. My DD2 (DC3) is 8mo and if she's really upset, DP can't calm her but she will stop crying as soon as she sees me enter the room.

You are not causing him to wake up by bf. You are, in fact, enabling him to go back to sleep by bf. Yes, there is a case to be made for letting him self settle if he's not hungry/in pain, but this is a gradual thing and will depend on your DS's personality and, frankly, your own tiredness (ie if you're knackered, it's far easier to latch him on and go back to sleep).

My DD2 woke every 2 hours from birth to 7mo, but it got better. It's such a short time, even if it is grim while it lasts.

I once read on here someone saying about breastfeeding 'It's nice but it does tie you to them terribly' and someone else responded 'No, it ties you to them beautifully'. I sometimes think of that at 3am .

moondog · 29/04/2011 17:58

That's lovely 'ties you to them beautifully'

Okonomiyaki · 29/04/2011 18:52

Definitely not spoiling, carry on as you are!

Love "ties you to them beautifully", a great way to put it.

Odille · 29/04/2011 19:49

You cannot spoil a child of that age. Fact backed up by child psychology!

It sounds like your MIL etc didn't quite get the point of that NSPCC advert "this little boy is a quiet baby, he has learned that no-one will come whether he cries or not".

A 4 month old communicates their needs in the only way they can and you either respond to those needs or teach them that their needs are ignored. One way leads to a child with confidence in the world and a sense of self-identity. The other way.... well I'm sure it's nice to have a quiet baby who has stopped even trying to get attention as they know it's useless.

Sparklyboots · 29/04/2011 19:52

Oh, I am in 4 month sleep regression; DS is like a newborn. Sure he'll revert to happy, cheery, sociable self soon, but he is grouch central at the mo. Waking loads during the night and longest we went without food today was 2 1/2 hours. I am also Bfing and co-sleeping but am a control freak have a natural inclination toward routines and can absitively posolutely assure your MiL and DP that if there was a chance of being on routine at the moment, my baby would be on it; there isn't. This is just a little phase, made much easier if all around don't resist it and support bfer who is already knckered.

VeronicaCake · 29/04/2011 20:40

No you can't spoil them at 4m. In fact I am not sure you can ever spoil a child with comfort. As he gets older he will naturally begin to feel more secure and confident and will need comfort from you less but even when he is 5 (or 15!) if he reaches up for a cuddle and a snuggle when he hurts his knee, or gets told off at school or falls out with a friend it will never spoil him to comfort him. Ignoring him when he needs you and showering him with affection when it is convenient to you, lavishing toys on him but not having the time to listen to him these things breed insecure, whiny children. But not comforting him when he is distressed.

And no babies don't learn to wake up in order to be fed. Ask your DP and MIL how that would work. Do they really think he is plotting his next snack attack in his sleep? Babies wake frequently during the night naturally. Some learn early on how to drop back off by themselves, some take longer and carry on needing cuddles and feeds each time they wake in the meantime. There are things you can do to help your baby learn to get back to sleep without your help (have a read of the No Cry Sleep Solution) but even these things will only help when your baby is ready to make that developmental leap.

As for daytime routine I think a lot of people find 4-6m is when their baby starts to have regular daytime naps and feed at more predictable intervals so you may find that settles down of its own accord over the next few weeks.

nethunsreject · 29/04/2011 20:42

Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing a fab job and entirely the right thing.

BaronessBomburst · 29/04/2011 22:22

No, I agree with all the other posters. Keep feeding and cuddling him and you will end up with a happy, friendly, confident baby.

kalo12 · 29/04/2011 22:30

spoiling! your baby is FULLY dependant on you. you are not spoiling your baby at all you are responding to it's needs, that's why babies have mothers.

my ds woke every hour til at least 16 months. He was ebf for almost 8 months and then bf til 22 months.

I don't particulary think he needs a routine, but may probably create his own routines that do change and that you sound like you are responding perfectly to. have confidence in what you are doing and forget what your mil and dp are saying. What babies need most is to feel secure and they only get that when you respond to their demands.

I know it can be difficult to argue your point in these situations when everyone has some advice for you. I always used to say ' Oh you're so old fashioned!' and leave it at that.

Original poster

Sam1975 · 30/04/2011 12:02

Many thanks everyone - feeling A LOT better now and as many here love "ties you to them beautifully" lastyearsmodel :) I decided to stop arguing with MIL about this - clearly I will never convince her that I feel what I am doing is the right thing, so I better save my energy for the nights to come!! I will have a read of "no cry sleep solution though as I am desperately looking for something that will make my baby's life a bit easier at nighttime.

OP posts:

sanam2010 · 30/04/2011 12:49

I did the same with DD1 when she was 4.5 months, it lasted about three or four very exhausting weeks and suddenly she slept through again (she usually sleeps 12h with one or two 5-10min nursing sessions in between). They are not designed to wake up so much in the long run, so as soon as they don't need to wake up they will sleep through. You are not spoiling your baby, you're just doing what's easiest for you and most pleasant for the baby.

Leave MIL out of it but if DH feels strongly about it, offer him to sleep in a separate room alone and have him take care of the baby the way he thinks is right, I am sure he will be begging you to intervene and breastfeed long before the night is over - chances are when you make this suggestion he will realise he does not feel so strongly after all.

Good luck with the sleep regression, it's a really exhausting phase.

WalkTheDog · 30/04/2011 22:03

thanks for the ties to quote :) Mother and MIL both have mentioned BFing being tying and next time I will use that quote

HSMM · 30/04/2011 22:21

The most useful thing I was told at ante-natal classes was that during the first 6 months of a child's life, you can spoil them rotten and get away with it.

Listen to your child and do what comes naturally.

Lastyearsmodel · 01/05/2011 13:47

I'm so chuffed the quote has been helpful. I only wish I could claim it for my own .

I too learnt the long way to smile and nod when given 'helpful' advice I disagreed with. It can be hard to trust your intuition as a new mother, but it tends to be right, and the more you trust it, the louder that little voice becomes and the more balanced you become.

cairnterrier · 01/05/2011 14:25

Sounds as if your baby is in a brilliant routine - something upsets him (wind/hunger/just in need of a cuddle), he know that all he has to do is call out and mum will come straight along to sort things out. Sounds like a perfect life for a 4 month old :) Or indeed anyone of any age!

Original poster

Sam1975 · 02/05/2011 14:18

Thanks cairnterrier :) Co-sleeping has really helped him to settle a bit - he still wakes up every hour but looks a lot more comfi next to me and falls back to sleep quickly again (only trouble is that I cannot really sleep when he is next to me but at least I get some sort of rest...and Im still hoping that this is all just another phase...)

OP posts:

cairnterrier · 02/05/2011 18:49

:) co-sleeping kept me sane - and still does! I just read through your OP again and it does sound like either a 16 week sleep regression or a growth spurt. Either way, it is just a phase and this too shall pass. DS woke to feed so often that there was nothing to regress from :-) On the other hand, I could definitely tell when he was going through a growth spurt - he wanted to feed far more often than normal, sometimes every hour and once for a marathon 3 1/2 hour stint non-stop. I just took the opportunity to get some TV time in and get my feet up. Now that DS is about to start walking and won't stop moving, I look back on those days with fondness! Enjoy all the extra snuggles that you're getting by doing things your way and ignore everyone else. They've all been mums, but no-one else has ever been a mum to your baby.

faverolles · 02/05/2011 21:15

Thought you might like to know that I did what you're doing with my first three dc (now 10, 8 and 5) and am 3 months in with dc4. Despite the negative predictions for my older three - mutter mutter co-sleeping mutter feeding too often mutter mutter rod for your own back - you get the picture? :) - all sleep in their own beds all night, have no separation problems and are all well behaved and definitely not spoilt.

Do what you feel is right.
Love the ties them to you beautifully quote :)

DuelingFanjo · 02/05/2011 21:20

I was going to suggest that he may be teething too. My son who is just over 4 months is happier when on the breast too. We co-sleep and he's been waking all night for a few days. It will pass I am sure.

Shame your DP can't support you more. I would be inclined to say 'wow, is it really possible to spoil a 4 month old baby? He is just a baby after all and I have years toright the so called wrongs if I want to'.

Original poster

Sam1975 · 03/05/2011 17:05

Thanks faverolles - good to know that you have already been there AND that you beat the predictions. Certainly gives me hope after yet another night of basically no sleep AND fighting off all these people around me who know it all better...
DuelingFanjo - I also thought that teething might play a role as he is comfort feeding whenever he can plus loves his teething rings at the moment...I really hope this will be over soon ...I know its only a phase and as much as I want to be there for him and I tell myself to enjoy these moments of cuddling etc I must admit I am starting to feel exhausted, desperate for some sleep and with a body that aches from co-sleeping...am dreading the coming night...BUT, most importantly, yes, I am convinced that Im doing what is best for my DS and that there is no such thing as spoiling a 4 month old baby ;)

OP posts:

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