Totally Distraught!

[YogaMummy2B]

I am at my wits end! My gorgeous DD is 3 weeks old and does not sleep at night.
We had a session of cranial oestopathy last week and she managed 2 days where she got 3 hours between 12 and 9 am.
I have been awake with her from 1.30 am it is now 7.30!! I am totally wrecked as this has been the norm from birth!
It's not even that she wants to feed, she just will not settle off me.
I am not happy co-sleeping, not that, that would solve it as she only rests when she is on my chest.
She seems to settle a little easier during the day, breastfeeds for about 1/2 hour to 45 mins and then requires held up for about 1/2 hour before dropping off.
I suspect silent reflux but I also think she is not getting fed enough as I feed her about 6 or 7 times between 8.30 and midnight and from midnight to morning approx 2 or 3 if she doesn't fuss and accepts the breast. She often just screams at my breast until she goes purple.
I have tried all the usual stuff - stimulation/lack of, room darkened, feeding in dark with no talking, White noise, cuddles, burping, holding her until asleep and transferring. Bouncing on my birthing ball with her, changing her, changing my diet, infacol, baby probiotics, feeding whilst she lays on my stomach, feeding laying sideways etc.
I just tried her to my breast again and she screamed blue murder. I am ready to collapse I'm sooooo tired.
Considering expressing so that my DH can help out and I can get some rest.
It is now 8.30 am and she has finally accepted my breast after doing a gigantic fart and poo. It is as if she gets a huge gas build up and can't settle until it disperses. Now she is asleep on my boob!
Any advice accepted.

You poor thing. I have soo been there, with both the reflux and the tummy problems.

The reflux (if it is) and the colic (if it is), and they do sound like it do 'wind each other up' so I was told. For example vomit=pain=screaming=gulping air=more tummy wind=more straining=more vomit vicious cycle. Also feeding little and often is recommended for reflux. And what about propping the head end of the cot to keep her more upright?

What about colic massage, you will need to do it after every nappy change for it to work. lots of vids on youtube

Also, how long did you change your diet for? I only ask as I know it can take up to 2 weeks for the remnants for food intolerances to work their way out. Supposedly because the gut cannot digest them they just sit there fermenting and thus giving out gas until the body can expel them. We found out after 6 months of 'apparently' non existant tummy problems (According to my mother, GP, HV etc) keeping us up half the night with the same gurgling wind and explosive nappies that DD is wheat intolerant. Cut the wheat from my diet and none in hers and bingo! different child.

Good luck and I hope it gets better for you soon.

you say you are considering expressing so DH can help out, but can he not help out by taking her for some of the time during the night?

Your DD just wants to be cuddled, it is very natural for such a tiny baby.

Your DH does not need boobs to be able to hold and cuddle her while you get some sleep.

also, 3 weeks is a bit of a growth spurt, so she may settle down in a few days, until the 6 weeks growth spurt

Hang in there - it gets easier, I promise

As if by magic, it gets light outside, I'm ready to hit the bottle and she decides it is time to go to sleep!!
I find this all very distressing as I also don't feel that she has any alert time away from my boob to observe things/play in her baby gym etc. I feel like an awful Mum.
The two days she did sleep in the night she was totally different the next day.
Fumblina I have been off dairy for about 1 1/2 weeks now. I cut it out first as I know it gives me sinus issues etc.
I just don't understand how she can settle in the day and be awake ALL night ???

"I find this all very distressing as I also don't feel that she has any alert time away from my boob to observe things/play in her baby gym etc. I feel like an awful Mum."

She is three weeks old. It is way too early to worry about stimulation. Right now she is a tiny, possibly rather frightened, bundle of needs. The two things she knows about the world are that it is all rather overwhelming after nine months of warm watery darkness and that you smell great and it is wonderful to be close to you.

It can take them 6-8 weeks to figure out night and day. In the meantime they sleep when they sleep. You can help the process by keeping night time dark and quiet but she will start doing more of her sleeping at night of her own accord over the next few weeks.

So wanting to be close to you and being awake at night are both normal but incredibly hard work. The thing that might need to change is her discomfort around feeding. It is worth asking your GP about reflux. It may also be a brief stage, my DD had three or four hugely unsettled nights around 4 weeks and then calmed down again - DH and I did shifts sitting up with her in a Moby sling so we could both get a little sleep.

Have you got any good breastfeeding support near you? An NCT breastfeeding counsellor came to our house to help us which made a world of difference. You can call the NCT helpline and ask about breastfeeding counsellors.

If you haven't got one a wrap sling (like a Moby) may be helpful. My DD slept blissfully in hers on DH as well as me, so it enabled me to get a bit more rest.

I honestly couldn't believe how hard the tiny newborn stage was. If you find it hard too it really does not mean you are doing anything wrong.

Sweetheart, she doesn't need anything apart from you! She is absolutely programmed to focus on you, she doesn't really know that she is a separate person from you! There are years and years ahead for her to play and observe...

All she knows is "instinct" and that drives her to feed and so make more milk for her to survive. It is very animalistic in a way...she is in survival mode at the moment.

Also, she will gradually get to know the difference between night and day, in fact, it could all change in a few days time...

are you taking her out or at least letting her see lots of sunlight/light during the day. Its like jet lag for tiny babies - they take time to adjust to night/day.

hugs

When you say your DD 'settles' better during the day, is that because she sleeps in your arms, or on you? At night, are you expecting her to sleep in her cot?

Just that could be a big difference. Small babies do just want to be held.

At 3 weeks, your DD is still very small - she will get nothing out of a playgym, tbh - toys are for older babies.

I do wonder, in the most sympathetic way, truly! if you need to reset your expectations of a new baby's behaviour at this age. All they want to do is cuddle and feed. It is knackering. You feel like you have no time away from them, and somehow so many of us start motherhood with the idea that new babies will feed nicely for half an hour, sleep nicely for 3/4 hours, wake calmly, play happily, have another nice short feed....

It's so not like that. Things do get easier as they get older, sleep does generally get better. Good advice to take her out in the day and let her see sunshine. If your DD will sleep on your DP while you can get some kip, make him help by being a giant mattress. If he can lie in front of the tv for a couple of hours and let your DD/you get some sleep, that will be more productive than trying to put her down in a cot, and dealing with the constant waking and distress.

What Fruitybread said: three week old babies do not do much. They sleep - on you - and they eat. They eat while they are asleep. There's not much else to it. You need to work out how best to get through the next 3-4 weeks until she "wakes" up a bit and becomes more detached and alert.

Have you seen a breast feeding counsellor or been to a baby cafe to check you are transferring milk ok (so that next time she is crying after a 2 hour feed you know it is not hunger)? Are you burping her after every feed?

Can you feed her in the night or evening and then pass her over to your DH to burp and change and cuddle? Ask him to wake you if she is still noisy in a couple of hours

The first few weeks of motherhood can be a great mindfuck of numbing tiredness, overwhelming responsibility, shattered illusions and completely changed priorities.

Put yourself in your baby's shoes. What does she want? You, as close as possible, as much as possible. She doesn't care how tired or uncomfortable you are, or what you think she ought to be doing or how she should be doing it - she hasn't read the manual.

Good luck.

You poor thing, it sounds like it could be colic, have you spoken to your HV about it? DD1 used to scream from 11-5 every night & my HV arranged for someone to come round & show me how to do a colic massage. She was also a bf councillor & suggested a minor change to our position when feeding to improve our latch.
I also tried changing my diet, (I found curing out onions & garlic helped) infacol made winding easier. DH used to look after DD1 from 730-midnight while I slept (waking me up if she needed a feed) and I would sleep again whenever she did. I also made sure I got out of th house everyday for a walk with the pram. For me, fresh air & day light are essential to stop me going mad!

Stick with it, they grow out of colic at around 4months old so there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Again, thanks all for reassurance.

She will sleep anywhere during the day. In her pram, Moses basket, bouncy chair etc.
That is one reason why I'm so baffled, she seems to enjoy eating and sleeping in the day!

Most babies have a fussy time of day when it is hard for them to settle and they cry a lot. The classic time is early evening but it sounds like your DD may have opted for the early hours of the morning. If she is able to settle at other times that sounds like there is nothing fundamentally wrong.

There are loads of theories as to what causes this fussiness. I think in my DD's case it was simply being tired but too wired to simply switch off, a bit like feeling restless when you have insomnia.

There is very little you can do to stop the fussiness apart from cuddling, feeding, rocking and generally reassuring your little one until she feels able to comfortably drop off. The good news is it will stop of its own accord. But it may take a few weeks to calm down.

In the meantime the following may help a bit...
Top and tail the night. Get as much sleep as you can before her witching hour starts and leave DH to soothe her, then hand her over again early in the morning so you can get an hour then. I found I could cope much better if I got at least some sleep between 10 and 1 and some between 5 and 8.

I understand your problems with co-sleeping. I couldn't do it either because I was so anxious about smothering DD, but it is worth learning to feed lying down, even if you stay awake. If you are worried about dropping off set up a mattress on the floor and wrap yourself in a warm dressing gown rather than a duvet so you can relax and know you won't drop or suffocate her.

DO NOT waste any energy worrying about bad habits. The goal of the first three months is survival. You've got years ahead of you to worry about bad habits.

I found the 'sleep when your baby sleeps' advice infuriating because during the day my DD would only sleep whilst I walked around with her in the sling or pushchair. But if your little one will sleep in the moses basket during the day then at least put your feet up and rest.

If anyone says 'Can I help?' take them at their word so you have as little to do as possible.

You poor thing! I had one of these babies and it is NOT YOU, mine was my 2nd DC and my first was "normal"! Mine slept literally all day for the first 6 weeks, anywhere I plonked her, couldn't keep her awake. Then at night she would only settle upright on my chest, although she did like bouncing on a gym ball too.

Loads of tummy & vomiting issues too. Tried infacol, loads of winding, loads of daylight in daytime, nothing helped. Mine often refused feeds overnight and well into the next morning which really worried me.

I think now my DD had mostly silent reflux, although at the time I didn't understand why she was fine flat on her back in the day. I'm afraid her sleep was hell until I weaned her. In retrospect I wish I had tried reflux meds as I nearly lost my sanity.

Sleepwise I went to bed at 8pm and DH took her until about 12.30 while I slept with earplugs in. Then I would attempt to get her to sleep on me in a reclined position in my bed and DH would sleep in the spare room. If it was a shit night and she didn't let me sleep at all I would give her back to DH at 5.30 and have another couple of hours. Please sleep in the day - I couldn't as I had a toddler.

Massive sympathy to you, I don't know what I would have done if DD was my first, but I'm pretty sure she would have been an only child! Wish I could have a face to face chat with you and give you a hug. This will pass in the end, and it will be worth it, promise.

If she seatle's well during the day then I sugest sleep when the baby sleep's and do as other's have sugested and keeping things carm and dark at night and she will change before you know it.

Well, looks like I spoke too soon!! She has now decided not to sleep during the day either! The last 2 days she has had a little sleep until between 9 and 11 am and then been awake ALL day long. I have been trying to get her to snooze from 9 am this morning, now 17.30.
I fed her for nearly an hour earlier after about 4 feeds or more from 9am to 1pm and then decided I needed a little break from sitting with her sniffing my nipple half asleep or sucking, took her out in the pram. Went out for 1/2 hour walk, she fell asleep in the last 5 mins of the walk and slept for 1/2 hour at home! That has been it since this morning!!! Poor wee thing, I feel so sorry for her!
She seems to wake up with gas pains every time I put her down. I seriously have not been able to set her down for more than 10 mins today without her waking up. She seems to make an awful lot of noise/sucking when she is feeding and I wonder is she drawing in air? The breastfeeding counsellor at the hospital checked how I was feeding and said all seemed fine. Now wondering if tongue tie??

I only managed to brush my teeth this morning by putting her in a sling!
I need some sleep, I starting to get a little delirious! I am dreading tonight as I keep waking in a panic thinking I have fallen asleep with her on me and something dreadful has happened!

Just wanted to say that I really understand how you feel, my DD was exactly the same and at the time I really didn't know how I would cope. All I can say is it does get easier, my DD is 17 weeks today and the sleepless days and nights are a distant memory and I am sure they will soon be for you too. In the meantime I would go with a lot of what people have said i.e sleep in the day if/when she does and ask for help (I was crap at this and really suffered) from friends and family, I found that a few hours sleep early evening really helped me to cope, this sometimes involved DH walking DD or even driving her around in the car just so I could sleep for an hour. I really hope it gets easier for you soon, Take care x

It sounds like you really need some rest time. Is there anyone else who can take DD for a few hours and let you sleep? Please don't worry that you are being a bad mother because she is not on her gym - at weeks she is getting all the stimulation she needs from cuddles, staring at faces, skin-to-skin.

I know it is little consolation, but my DS was exactly the same. He is 5 months now and still wakes once or twice, but it is much more manageable now. I found he woke for feeding, but would then just want holding - can you get DH to help here? You feed her, then hand her over to DH for the endless walking?

We eventually found that a drive in the car helped, so nightly pattern was a feed from me about 9pm, then i went to bed, DH took him driving for a couple of hours whilst i slept, then DH would give him a dreamfeed bottle of express milk/formula and put him down - for some reason he will always settle in moses basket after a drive. He would then sleep for a good two hours. After a few weeks, he started to learn the difference between night and day and we could drop the driving.

Oh, and the waking up in a panic thinking you have squashed the baby in the bed - completely normal! For weeks our house rang with my nightly shriek "aaargh, where's baby gnome?!"

Don't worry, you'll get through this

It's horrible, isn't it? But it's totally normal - I wouldn't expect a baby that age to be able to sleep anywhere but on you (or on someone else). As much as you can, I'd not even attempt putting her down once she's asleep - most babies that age wake up if you try to put them down once they're asleep. When you need a break to shower or whatever, try putting her down when she's awake.

I used to have to take my DS out in the sling while I was still in PJs as I didn't have time to get dressed between him finishing a feed and needing a sleep.

Day/night organisation usually gets sorted by 6-8 weeks. In the mean time, give her as much exposure to daylight as you can (preferably outside) as that will speed up the day/night organisation.

Yes, the worrying you've squashed them is normal - I and lots of friends had this despite not co-sleeping in the first few weeks. It does disappear.

It does get lots better though. Hang in there, and congratulations on your DD. :)