Extended breastfeeders - I desperately need some help. Please

[eugenefitzherbert]

My dd2 is 30 months. I didn't really plan on how long I was going to breastfeed her and up to recently it has gone very smoothly.

Now I am just totally fed up and would ideally love to stop altogether although I would be willing to feed morning and night if dd2 was agreeable.

However she is becoming more and more demanding. She is waking repeatedly all night and gets hysterical if I refuse to feed her. If she is upset at all she asks for a feed, over and over, and isn't easily distracted. She is getting to the age where I sometimes have to correct her for naughty behaviour and if I do she gets very upset and wants a feed.

She doesn't seem to latch on properly anymore no matter how I try to adjustit. It is really uncomfortable. I often have teeth marks - she isn't biting as such but holding on which make it difficult to break the latch if she doesn't want to.

DH was really supportive all along but he now wants me to stop but doesn't have a clue what we should do.

Would stopping cold turkey be very hard on her? She feeds to sleep most nights so not sure how that would go. I think she would scream the house down.

She is such a lovely little person but I feel so negative about the feeding now it is bound to affect her.

Oh Eugene that sounds really difficult. I think at 30 months you can start to explain to her how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Maybe you can ask her to open her mouth more and only use her tongue, not her teeth? I started to say that to my ds2 and ds3 when they got older. I think older kids can be a bit 'lazy' when they are latching on and it helps if you let them know that it hurts you.

I also started at a certain point (later with ds2 than ds3) to say that I wasn't going to breastfeed all the time and they needed to choose when their special times would be. I think it helped that I wasn't withdrawing the breastfeeding completely, so they knew it was still available, but I was setting limits. I remember with ds2 I told him I would do morning and bedtime only, then after a while asked him to choose which one he wanted to keep. I was very surprised when he said he wanted the morning as I'd thought he was dependent on feeding to sleep. It actually made bedtimes a lot easier and he would pop into our bed in the morning for a cuddle and little feed.

Of course that's only what worked for us, but I do think she's old enough for you to communicate with her, and try to work out a solution for both of you. I feel breastfeeding should be mutually beneficial, not something the mum carries on with despite feeling negative about it.

I used to have a book called 'How Weaning Happens' recommended by the La Leche League and I remember there being some good points there. Also, I think I remember reading some good comments about 'extended breastfeeding' on the kellymom.com website - not sure if you've looked there or not? Finally, I'm sure some other experienced mumsnetters will come along and give helpful comments. I bet loads of us have been in a similar situation - you are certainly not alone!

Your DD sounds similar to mine. Mine started asking for more and more feeds when she got to a similar sort of age. We stopped the night feeds though because I was finding it too much. At 30 months she should be able to understand if you explain to her that she can't feed at night, as long as she can continue to have access at other times. I told mine that the num-nums needed to sleep, and she seemed to get the idea.

I thought we were going to wean last month because I went into hospital and DD wasn't able to BF for a week. Nope, she started again. Although she said there was no milk to start with it came back.

I found that (and it seemed to be a bit controversial on MN last time I mentioned it!) that some times the more they ask for something the more we as mothers say no until child and mother get locked in a battle of wills with neither side willing to back down (you don't want to nurse her again and she wants you to). A forbidden fruit scenario if you will.

DD1 got like this at one point so I made the deliberate decision to nurse her every single time she asked even if it was more than her younger sister. I was feeding her 20+ times, I think she needed to know I was there for her and by refusing her I was saying I wasn't didn't care about what she wanted.

So after a few days of feeding like she was the world hungriest newborn she stopped asking every 15mins as she knew I would let her nurse when she wanted. Then it became less important to get to nurse as she could have it anytime she wanted and I was able to get on with life again. It wasn't fun while it lasted I'll grant you but it worked for us.

I had previously introduced nursing manners whilst pg with DD2 as I had issues with nipple pain, etc so she had been used to restrictions on duration/when/where. Have you ever tried using these?

It sounds like your DD2 might be using nursing as a way to reassure herself that you still love her if she asks to nurse after being told off for naughtiness. Could she be nursed before she sits on her step/time out/what ever correction method you use to show her you are not cross with her but what she has done?

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies.

nursing manners I have tried and tried with her. She nods, smiles and agrees but then she latches oN and goes into a state of bliss and it all goes out the window. I've told her the teeth hurt me and that if she bites I will stop the feed (which I do and it is sometimes quite a battle to stop). I encourage her to open her mouth wide and she makes a great effort to show me a big open mouth, poor pet - she really does try but I think that she just goes into her own world once she starts a feed and nothing else matters! I see her eyes rolling back and know she has what she wants.

I made a decision ages ago to only feed on waking (mornings and in the night) and going to bed and stuck to it for ages. I don't know what happened lately to start her looking for daytime feeds again.

I tried to stop feeding her during the night a while back. I did 5 nights in a row of refusing and there was no improvement. She was distraught. We were all awake and upset in the night so I decided she wasn't ready and started feeding her again which I know gave the wrong signals.

I told her that mi mis needed to rest and she could have more milk in the morning when it was bright so she got out of bed, turned on the lamp and said 'morning now'

Just the chance to talk about it on here helps. I don't know anyone in RL who fed beyond a year.

I'm not in the UK and although it is improving breastfeeding levels are low.

My equivalent of your health visitor is useless - she has very little experience of anyone feeding beyond 6 months.

Rather than un-latching her have you tried tickling her? (Bit left field I know!) Sometimes that works.

If she won't latch on nicely (though TBH sometimes they can't help leaving teeth marks even with a good latch - bit like sitting on grass with bare legs IYSWIM) then perhaps telling her when she latches on properly she can have her mi mis but if she won't then she can't.

Or you could try limiting feeds to the length of the feed 'DD that does not feel nice for mummy. We will stop mi mi when mummy gets to 10' or something like that.

I have also heard of mums having success with a nursing chair/corner/spot on the sofa/bed (i.e. only nursing happens if you go and sit/lie down on the appointed spot).

Sorry I don't have the magic answer though - would be nice!