happy mum = happy baby

[misdee]

i dont want this to be breast vs bottle.

but this blog, written by someone i know, and some may know as well, pretty much sums up a lot of things for me.

www.howbreastfeedingworks.com/2011/04/06/happy-mum-happy-baby/

no-one?

what i;ve found hard to deal with over the last few weeks is the possible stopping of bfeeding that i want to continue with. i am not ready to stop. i spent a few days sobbing when it all went wrong. all i wanted is for someone to listen. not tell me what i already know.

feeding is emotional.

Typed a message, only to be told MN off line to upgrade so i lost it!

Basically, i said although it's crucial for mothers to support each other, a lot of it has to do with encouragement and support from healthcare professionals. Where i live there's a massive drive to help mothers breastfeed successfully and they've thrown a lot of funding behind it. That is currently being threatened by Government cuts - Andrew Lansley is considering removing Infant Feeding Co-ordinator posts.

I breastfed successfully because my local PCT funded breastfeeding workshops and cafes. I was one of the lucky ones. A friend of mine ended up bottle feeding against her will because her DD lost 20% of her body weight when she struggled with BFing and healthcare professionals did nothing to help until it was too late. They were aware her newborn DD hadn't had a poo for 11 days because my friend told them each of the 11 days when she called.

My suggestion is that rather than talk about it, act now before things get worse. Lobby your MP to ensure the NHS remains well supported despite Government cuts. There's another thread on MN about this. And by all means support other mothers if they open up and admit they're struggling (personal experience tells me they are often reluctant to do so for fear of being labelled a failure).

[climbs down from soapbox]

Found the link to the other thread i refer to:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/1175906-Government-to-scrap-Infant-Feeding-Co-ordinator-Posts

It is a fine and worthwhile message, however it is worth remembering that many mums WANT to hear the words 'its ok to give him a bottle' as well!!!

People just need to be supportive of others feeding choices. Those desperate to carry on should/must get the support they need, those desperate to stop should too.

I agree with the blog. When I hit some difficulties around 3 months when D started refusing to feed because of a blocked duct and teething, a lot of family said to give up breastfeeding if the stress was outweighing the benefits (I was finding her distress around feeding really upsetting). I really didn't want to give up breastfeeding, after all the work we did establishing it, and found that was a really negative thing to hear, basically "time to give up then, no point trying any more". I went to my local breastfeeding drop ins and got some advice each time and everything sorted out, still breast feeding at 8 months, but I do feel that without the drop in centres and the (perceived) pressure from family to just give up, I might have stopped.

I agree that people need to be supportive of others choices. I think there is sometimes too much over thinking that goes on when it comes to feeding.

toddler - true.

maybe what the mum needs to hear first and foremost is "what do you want to do?"

i didnt want to hear its fine to give him a bottle (though he has had many bottles of EBM and a couple of formula ove r the last few weeks), i wanted to someone just to say 'keep going, you'll regret it if you give up' like my lovely dh has done many times over the last few weeks. gosh, he puts up with a lot from me, but he understands 100% why i didnt want to give ds a bottle of any form. in the end it worked out ok that i had ebm ready as on sunday had to leave my baby boy with dh for several hours aftr an emergency.

but when i heard 'happy mum=happy baby' i just thought 'but i'm not happy? why should i be happy?' yes my baby had a full belly and was contented more so than normal (he is very chilled out 90% of the time), but i wasnt happy. I want him nuzzled against my breast, i wanted to see his little jaw moving and gulping down my milk, direct from me. I wanted to feel that milkyness flow to him. i wanted him to drift off to sleep nuzzled on the breast, and to fall asleep with that milk-drunk look of baby-bliss. yes he is/was still having my milk, which i was ok with, but wasnt completely happy.

nickelbabyhatcher , sadly, I think that is a question mums dont get asked enough.

I know :(

But Misdee unless someone knows exactly how you are feeling they aren't going to tell you that you will regret if if you give up. Perhaps as nickel said they should ask what do you want to do?

Giving up feeding wasn't going to make you happy therefore it is irrelevant. When I gave up feeding ds1 my main emotion was relief and when ds began to thrive that relief turned to happiness so for me I suppose it was "happy mum, happy baby". I hate that saying anyway.

Happy Mum = Happy Baby is annoying because it is a truism and contains no information - could anyone seriously suggest Unhappy Mum = Happy Baby?

It is also annoying because it is often by people trying to support mothers who are switching to bottle feeding in difficult circumstances. For most women who want to breastfeed their happiness is not predicated on bottle feeding. They may feel happy with the decision to bottle feed in time, but that is usually as a result of gradual psychological adjustment to the decision. As the article says suggesting that bottlefeeding is a path to happiness devalues the pain women feel when bf-ing doesn't work out.

When I had difficulties bf-ing DD I really valued my DH telling me what a great job I was doing and how worthwhile it was, and I felt really pissed off with my HV who kept telling me it was unnecessary after the first few weeks and I'd given it my best shot and so on. Whereas a good friend of mine with persistent thrush and continual pain whilst feeding felt really guilty about introducing mixed feeding. In her case speaking to a different HV who went over all the options with her and also emphasised the benefits of the breastmilk her son had already received helped her to reach the decision to bottlefeed with less anxiety. She needed 'permission' to make the shift and was grateful for it, whereas I felt frustrated by it. I don't think looking at us from the outside anyone could easily have told which of us needed which set of advice.

Which I think means Matana is right and what we really need is bf-ing support available from sensitive, trained peers and professionals who are also able to deliver continuity of care. It is much easier to discern the right thing to say if you already have an open and trusting relationship with the person you are supporting.

I hate that saying. It is so often used to justify something which may not be that great for the baby but if it makes the mum happy, well, then that's OK then.

What about "happy baby = happy mummy" which I find more honest.

I agree totally Tryharder. It's empty and meaningless and crap. It seems to add pressure to new mums IMO - often new mums aren't happy, let's face it, it's not always a bed of roses dealing with a newborn and a shredded fanjo and contrary norks. And then people come out with this shit which suggests you have to not only feed, comfort, soothe and generally pander to the little dictator's every whim, but you also have to be happy as well. Or you're a Failure As A Mother. What bullshit.

In my case, I was unhappy with the ongoing BFing problems and the stress/anxiety/guilt and everything else it was causing me, but was also unhappy and very upset at the thought of giving up! I felt stuck on a BF/top up/express roundabout with no end in sight and out of control (DD had a TT recently fixed but no quick improvement). It felt like a lose-lose situation at the time. I wanted 'permission' to stop because the situation was making me unhappy and I was getting pnd, although of course I wanted to keep going on because breastfeeding was what I wanted, and we had struggled on for 8 weeks, I didn't want it to go to waste.

In the end I stopped BFing as much and went to only twice a day BFing followed by topping up and bottles the rest of the time, with no expressing. I managed to give my DD breastmilk until just over 7 months. She is now 8 months and she weaned herself a few weeks ago.

I thought 'happy mum, happy baby' rather than 'happy baby, happy mum' because while she seemed happy, I definitely wasn't! I thought that if I struggled in the situation we were in it could rub off on her. If I was happier, I could spend more time with her rather than stuck on the pump feeling disconnected, which in turn would make a happy baby too.

We absolutely need to offer more mums support, whatever their choices. But like toddlerwrangler said, sometimes we do want to hear that it's ok to give a bottle too! Mixed feeding isn't always discussed as an option. I felt it had to be either/or.

I thought there were some some points there. I guess the automatic response 'it's OK to give formula' automatically assumes the mother can't do it. As a poster up above says mothers don't get asked what they want, but it assumed for them.

Of course it doesn't come from malice, men often want a practical way of helping (and they don't know about BF, nor do most people hence the problem) and older/other mothers have their own issues wrapped up in all of it as well.

I agree that Mum's need to be asked "what do you want? because they often aren't! If Mum isn't happy with the way feeding is going the baby is going to pick up on that. Mum's shouldn't feel guilty about having a desire to bf or to not bf - it's better nutritionally for baby to be bf-ed, but it may not be better emotionally if it's just too distressing due to breast/nipple pain or other problems. Part of the problem is that being a Mum is a guilt-fest anyway, and those first few weeks and months are the worst time emotionally/hormonally so any additional stress or worry over feeding can feel overwhelming. Having shed a lot of tears over it myself I can sympathise with all Mums going through emotional turmoil over bf-ing or not bf-ing. It's hard enough just being a Mum sometimes!

I hate the phrase 'happy mum, happy baby' it's utter, utter shite. I suffer from depression so, a lot of the time, I'm not very happy. Does that mean my babies/DC are unhappy? Of course not.
I totally agree with the blog linked to in the OP.
One of my friends gave up BF becuase DC2 went on nursing strike. She asked her DP what he thought she should do and he said 'do whatever you think is best' (proably because he was worrying about 'pressuring' her into anything) - she now says that she wishes he'd said 'BF our babies is really important to me,. how can I support you in this' because then she would probably have carrie don rather than feeling guilt about stopping BF, feeling guilt about neglecting DD1 one while trying to BF DD2, feeling guilt about neglecting DD1 while making bottles for dd2.