"Clingy" baby - am I doing something wrong?

[Katiekatiekatekate]

Not sure if this is the right place for this really, but a friend has just told me that by BFing for so long I've "made a rod for my own back"...

I'm currently sitting in my bed with my 7 month old DS having RUN out of a restaurant because MIL could not get him settled at home. When I got home he was absolutely, utterly hysterical, but settled down as soon as I held him without even needing a feed. (She was right to call me, I'd never heard him crying like that so it's not the case that she should have tried harder to settle him.)

This is only the third time I've been out since he was born. I thought that I was doing the right thing staying at home for as long as possible, but now I'm starting to look a bit daft as so many of my friends have babies a similar age or younger and they are perfectly capable of having a night out without any problems. I'm really upset - not that I can't have a night out, I don't really care either way about that, I just wonder if I've made him overly attached or something.

I really don't mind staying in with him, I'm not trying to look for a way out of it I just don't want him to be "abnormally clingy" if there is such a thing. What have I done?!?! Is he going to be the sobbing child on his first day at school just because I BF?!?!

You are doing a great job, most babies go through some separation anxiety at about 7-8 months and the key is to get them used to as many people as possible while your around and for brief periods when your not.
Breastfeeding has nothing to do with this.

Ah poor you, it's awful when your friends make you doubt the way you look after you child.

Personally I generally switch my ears off to anyone that finishes a sentence with the words 'rod for your own back'.

Of course you're not creating a clingy child- he's only 7 months isn't he-he trusts you to respond to his every need. You did that tonight by leaving your night out to comfort him.

IME, so called clingy children grow in to the ones that don't give their parents a second glance at the school gates as they are happy and confident children as they've grown up in a secure, attached environment.

Separation anxiety hits different babies from different ages and to different extents, but it won't last forever - some might get it from 6 months while others won't til a year or even later, though I think it peaks around 9 months. The best thing you can do is reassure your baby that you are there for him and he can rely on you - once he's secure and confident in that he'll be happier to be separated from you.

The worst thing you could do is force separations on him - it won't make him less clingy, it'll just confirm his fears that you'll leave!

Don't worry too much, just ride it out!

Thank you. I know I shouldn't care what other people think but so many of us had babies around the same time that I'm very conscious of looking like the one that's not doing it right, especially when I'm the only one running out of restaurants. Must grow up!! Next time I'll just remember to grab my wine as I make a dash for it

DS2 was like that at this age - I remember him howling through Xmas dinner when I gave him to someone else to hold so i could eat mine. Even DH didn't get a look in. He lived in a sling becuase I couldn't put him down.

Fast forward two years and he is the unclingiest toddler ever. No tears when being left with anyone, ever. He strolls up to random strangers when out and about and chats to them

Things got a lot better when he got mobile. Once he was crawling he realised there was life beyond me and he never looked back - literally!

I agree with everyone else - it's a phase that most of them go through to varying degrees. He'll grow out of it, but forcing the issue now will make it worse.

And it has NOTHING to do with breastfeeding!

Brilliant, thank you. I'm very, very pleased this has nothing to do with feeding. My friends are all FFing and have been going out regularly since their DCs were born. I don't actually want to do that, but I feel like I'm giving BF a bad press, as though I'm going to put non-mum friends off the idea of BFing by running out of restaurants all the time.

I can't explain myself, I'm too starving waiting for DH to bring me a doggy bag!

I was in exact same situation - twice. My 2nd child (who was bottle fed) could not be left with anyone and I gave up with nursery when they had to bring him home twice - even though his older brother was with him. My family politely refused to look after him as he got so hysterical. Got better at about 4 years.

My 5th child is breast fed and was super clingy - to the point where she was screaming even with her dad and stopped immediately when I picked her up. She is now 13 months and her clingyness is getting less. Took her to a toddler group and she was amazing - playing with all the toys and away from me.

I believe some kids are just that way and some aren't - and it has absolutely nothing to do with how you are or how you feed them.

My other three weren't at all clingy.

You poor thing OP, that sounds really distressing.

A similar thing happened to me when I went out leaving DS1 (9 months) with DH and my mum. DH had to come and collect me in the middle of a meal I was having with my NHS antenatal group. Very embarrassing. I think I made some excuse at the time that he was teething.

I don't think it has anything to do with breastfeeding tbh. DS2 is even worse than DS1 and finds it hard to settle even with DH.

Breastfeeding for seven months isn't "so long" - it's a shame that none of your friends see it as the absolutely normal thing that it is.

Seven months is the start of separation anxiety. It may be that by only going out three times in seven months, your son isn't used to or comfortable with any other caregivers, and you might want to encourage that a bit more now. But it's certainly nothing at all to do with breastfeeding, and it's pretty easily fixed by starting to accustom him to whoever his main babysitter will be.

I breastfed till seventeen months, incidentally, but I'm chopped liver when Nana's around.

Tortoise - I absolutely agree, they're already raising eyebrows when they realise I'm STILL feeding. Imagine how they're going to react when I tell them I'm planning to let him self-wean.

Mishy, I've said the same - ah he's teething poor thing...

Hi,i would agree its just different personalities - not you, not them -just normal.
Go with it and it will get better. i had 2 clingies and now i have to invent the "pin-down" game to snog dd - 4yrs - dont worry its just a fun game!!

Is there a LLL group near you that you can go to and meet some like-minded mums? It's tough when everyone else is doing it differently to you. They do stop mentioning it eventually though, my DD1 is 2.6 now and people have given up asking me when I'm going to wean her She's extremely confident and friendly and will happily go out for the day with Grandma so not 'clingy' at all.

LLL groups.

Think it was wrong of your friend to say "you were making a rod for your own back". Not a helpful comment at all and certainly not true.

DC1 could have been made from velcro he was that clingy. Fast forward to school and the Reception Teacher smiled as she was telling me that he zooms out of the class room at break time to run off and play with his friends whilst some of the chidren still cling to her skirt.

It really is nothing to do with feeding. Like everyone else has said you are doing absolutely the right thing, its just a shame that your friends don't see it that way. Making sure he knows that he is loved and well looked after now will pay off in the long run.

Like Eau says, give your local LLL a try, and as far as your friends go just smile and do what you want to do.

I had to dash out of a restaurant in much the same way when DD was 6m old. At 11m I have to wrestle her to the ground and pin her down if I want a cuddle, otherwise she just scuttles away!

None of this will last and you haven't done anything wrong. On the whole I think the more you respond now the more you teach your baby that you are reliable and that he can confidently head off into the world and try new things, knowing that when he needs you you will be there.

I breastfed both of mine - the first wasn't clingy at all, in fact she was glad to be away from me and with someone more interesting! The second was permanently attached to me, and my MIL still has nightmares about the time that she tried to babysit.

Different babies are different. But massive sympathies that your DS is clingy, it used to drive me crazy at times.

Ah ladies, you are brilliant! No LLL groups near me but your suggestion prompted me to call the Sure Start centre about BF Groups. I thought they were really for new mums having problems with latching etc., but they were really encouraging for me to go along so that I could show newer mums that, once you crack it, it's great. BF rates are very, very low round here so they were pleased to hear from me, and now I feel like brilliant mother of healthy baby instead of hopeless mother of clingy baby!

"now I feel like brilliant mother of healthy baby" thats fab news Katie. Lots of Mums assume the same as you did about the Bfing Group so don't worry about that. Hope you go along and meet some new Mums and have a cuppa and a chat.

If the LLL aren't near to you, do the NCT run a group? It might be a mixed group but you are bound to find one or two bfers there too.

And if the rates are really low where you are, have you thought of becoming a bfing counsellor yourself?

You do sound like the brilliant mother of a healthy baby :) a healthy normal baby who knows exactly who is most important to him. My dd was the Velcro baby of all Velcro babies for the first year, I carried her everywhere. She was bf to 2.9. At 3.8, and since about 18 months, she is the most confident child ever. Runs into preschool without a second glance, plays and communicates well with everyone, and I mean everyone!!

Your son has developed a healthy attachment to you, this is a good thing, and shows you are doing a good job, as others have said around 8 months babies go through separation anxiety.

It will pass and you will manage a few nights out soon, keep breast feeding as long as you want, you are doing the best for your son well done

CharChar we appear to have the same DD

i remember my father in law telling me we'd have to 'do something' about DS at around that age as he was suddenly all clingy. not sure what he was suggesting though.

i doubt it's cos you don't go out much either, we didn't leave DS for the evening till he was about 14 months and he is a very confident wee boy now at 18 months. he was with my parents the other day for a few hours and barely noticed we were away.

he dashes round at toddler group not really bothered what we're doing, only stops to show us toys now and again. :)

I'm quite convinced by the argument that meeting their needs with milk and cuddles as required helps them be more confident, so far!

I'm also quite lazy and don't get out much anyway

oops that was a smiley fest.

sounds like you'll be doing a grand job at the bf group too!

DS1 was the clingiest baby and child you could imagine - couldn't bear not to be attached to me. DS2 was the opposite. Now that they are grown ups, DH and I laugh all the time about it as they have totally changed around! DS1 loves travelling all over the place and DS2 is a real home-body. But they both still love their cuddles!

Don't worry, you are being a great mum.