What can i say? pressure to keep it "fair"

7 replies

crappymummum · 23/03/2011 12:31

Ok so just found out i am expecting dc3.

I didnt BF Dd1 and only first feed Dd2....by choice
I want to Bf so much this time...its something i feel i have missed out on as a mother and my DCs have too.My fault entirely...lots of reasons but its not the point to not going to go into them

So i tell Dp that i want to BF this time...his reaction was a "well i dont know if id be happy about you Bfing this one as the others were FFed and its not fair on them"

Hes not intentionally being mean,i just dont think he understands 1.what it means to me and 2.the benefits....he thinks having 3 is going to be so much work he will need to help with feeds etc?

What can i do/say........... I partly FFed DD2 through guilt over not Bfing DD1 (nothing to do with Dp,this was from me) and i refuse to do this again.It was a big mistake

HELP!

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 23/03/2011 12:42

IMO, being fair doesn't mean treating them all exactly the same. With a first baby you can devote all your time and attention to them, and never let them cry - subsequent babies always get shared attention and have to cry sometimes. I bet your DP never suggested ignoring DD1 sometimes to be "fair" to any subsequent children.

On the other hand, parents often make mistakes with their first born, but have it all sussed by the time they get to their third.

No two children can ever be treated exactly the same. Being fair means doing your best for each child in the circumstances you're in.

Fernie3 · 23/03/2011 15:26

I FFed my first three children (who are now 6,4 and 2) I am BFing my fourth. Things change, my fourth is certainly not loved anymore than the first three. If you want to breastfeed this time then do it - there are many things your children will blame you for as adults (just read around some mumsnet posts!) might as well give them something ..joking aside dont let guilt make the choice for you.

Gemjar · 23/03/2011 15:34

Totally agree with Rita

One of the things about parenting is that you learn from each child and change as you get older and have each new child. You can feed them in different ways and be fair to them all.

I stopped Bfing DS1 after 4 weeks as it was very painful and didn't ask for help when I should have, but I am now Bfing DS2 who is 4 months and although I do feel guilty for not carrying on for longer with DS1 I don't think that he has missed out in any way and is certainly not any less loved that DS2.

Also, if your DH is so concerned that you will need help with 3, then say that you will do the feeding and he can do all the nappies

FollowMe · 23/03/2011 16:14

Telll your DH that the first two got more attention as newborns due to you having less other kids to look after at the same time, so the 'unfairness' of them not being breastfed is countered out by this!

Just tell him that you are going to the best for each child all your children as you see fit and as much as you are able to at the time. That meant FF back then and now you feel that BF will be better for you and the baby.

marzipananimal · 23/03/2011 16:15

most people find that once the first 6-8 weeks are out of the way and they've got the hang of bf, it is much easier and less time consuming than ff. So your older dc will benefit from you not having to wash up bottles and prepare feeds. Some research has also shown that bfing mothers get more, better quality sleep - definitely a plus when looking after 3 dc!

Maybe explain these things to your DP and he'll come round?

chipmonkey · 23/03/2011 17:02

Oh, he's being a bit silly, isn't he? I was ff and the rest of my siblings were bf. Only my youngest brother remembers being bf, the rest of us can't remember that time at all! ( Bro was bf till 3!)

tiktok · 23/03/2011 18:21

When I was a kid, my parents were very short of money - we were fed and clothed and cared for, but I look back and realise just what a struggle it was for them. My younger siblings were hugely better off and by the time they were teenagers (and I was living away) they had masses of material stuff and holidays and so on, simply because the family had more money then.

I don't resent this at all! I don't think 'it's not fair that I had much less than they did' . I never even think about it, and it's only your post today that's made it come into my mind.

I know my parents did the best they could with the resources they had and I know they loved me.

Your children will be the same :)

Your DP also needs to know that it's important to you that you experience this particular aspect of being a mother.

Hope it all works out :)

Flip