Losing my confidence re my mothering skills..... where am I going wrong?!

[legallyblond]

Excuse multiple posts of this - I am posting in breastfeeding, weaning and sleeping because it all seems wrong at the moment and I can't pinpoint where the problem is!

DD is 23 weeks (so, 5 and a half months) and is ebf. Up until a few weeks ago, I felt really confident with how I was choosing to "mother" her. She's ebf and weight gain has been great - she's 98th centile (born on 75th) and her height and head circum is off the chart (over 99.6th! Not too surprising asd I'm 5'11", although skinny with it).

I am the only person I know ebf, the only person with DD still in our room, the only person who doesn't (and never has) do crying it out with DD and the only person I know who wears DD in a sling. So you get the general idea... Not a problem before as all was going well, but now I am SERIOUSLY doubting myself and thinking I have got it all wrong!!!

1. DD used to sleep pretty well - she got down to 1 or 2 wakings in the night, although then she went to be at 10pm. She now goes to bed at 7pm (I used the no cry sleep solution ideas for a routine at that time because DD was starting to be very tired then) BUT wakes all night, often every 1 and a half hours. If I feed her, she eats and goes straight back to sleep so, for my sanity, this is what I've been doing. I just cannot bear to have her "crying it out" in the cot. I know I've been taking the easy option by offering the nipple (she is then asleep again within 5 minutes), but I have needed the sleep!!! Everyone I know is telling me I am wrong and have made a rod for my own back. Many have "blamed" bf on demand..

During the day I still feed on demand - she asks for it every 2 to 3 hours, so she is eating plenty!

1. I have started weaning DD (started at 21 weeks) with baby rice and fruit puree. when she's 6 months I plan to give lots of finger foods too (I am no purist about BLW etc!). BUT, DD is still not swallowing any of the baby rice after 3 weeks. She just spits it all out. If she's not interested or at all upset, I just stop. A bit like with the crying it out, I really don't want to force feed her is she doesn't want it, but also like the crying it out, everyone around me is telling me I am wrong!

1. Napping is also a nightmare - I have to "wear" her down to sleep in the sling if she doesn't fall asleep on the breast. Again, all friends say I should just put her in the cot and let her cry!

Please, any advice?

I am feeling a bit low and VERY tired from lack of sleep and just feel like I am doing this all wrong...

DD, by the way, remains happy as Larry.

I have just hit a bit of a brick wall..!

That all sounds normal - DS got really unsettled at this age. They have got so much going on developmentally that it interferes with their sleep - it will happen again you'll notice when walking and talking are imminent!

If she doesn't want the rice then don't give it to her, just give her more milk. If she is so 'tall' then she probably needs the calories.

Only you know what you want to do about the napping/crying - so ignore your friends and do what feels right. I never left DS to cry, not ever. I don't understand how people can do that to a child and find the idea of it quite upsetting.
My advice is to not talk about it to people who you know are going to try and tell you what to do.

If you are happy in the decisions you've made then you'll relax, and then feel less tired and it will be a virtuous circle.
Sympathies, it is tough because you feel that by this point you should have 'cracked it'! :)

I don't think you're doing anything wrong OP. Both mine have been exactly how you describe at the same age. A lot is going on developmentally around 5-6 months and often results in the kind of waking you describe. She's still quite young to be taking much in the way of solids too, so I wouldn't worry about that either.

I think you're doing exactly the right things. Keep bf on demand, offering solids but not worrying too much about how much she eats. The sleep thing will improve and may well go downhill again too (around 9 months is a common time for a sleep regression).

Imo, 5.5 months is also far too young to 'crying out' techniques, so I don't think your instincts are wrong about that either.

Like you say, your DD is happy so you must be doing something right!

As far as getting more sleep for you. Have you tried co-sleeping at all? It's what made the difference for me and allowed me to continue to parent how I wanted but not end up a walking zombie!

my DS is only 13 weeks and I am doing all he same things as you (apart from the weaning) and feel like I am the odd one out among my NCT group. I think the trick is to be confident about your choices without putting down the choices of other people. I am doing all te baby wearing/co sleeping/feeding responsively because I feel it it best for my child and my relationship with my son. Oher people may feel happier with baby in the cot crying it out, which is entirely up to them, but they shouldn't make you feel bad for choosing a different way. There is one other mum in my group who always says how proud she is that she is feeding on demand and that she doesn't carfre at all about having a routine - I like her a lot because she's made me realise that if you speak up loudly and positively about the choices you've made then people will realise you haven't let this happen to you - you have actively followed an attachment parenting style.

I recon you just need to be confident about telling people that you've made an active choice to parent this way, rather than letting them make you slip into 'I mut be making a rod for my own back' thinking. I think other parents who choose other parenting styles will say stuff like 'you've done it all wrong' because they start of from a position where separation from their child is something to aim for and so you just have to make it clear that you are doing things differently and that's ok too.

All you say in your post indicates a developmentally-normal baby who is just undergoing some changes in her sleeping pattern at the moment.

The fact you say 'many' people have told you you are doing things 'wrong' indicates you are sharing far too much of what you are choosing to do with people who do not share your basic ideas - this is undermining and confidence-sapping for you :(

Co-sleeping is a perfectly normal and acceptable option and if it gives you more sleep and rest, what's not to like ? :)

The solids thing is a total non-issue. What's the rush? She is happy and healthy on mainly breastmilk which is fine. So what if she doesn't care for the taste or texture of baby rice? This is not an issue :)

Some babies do need a bit of help to nap in the day - this won't last forever.

She is so young and you are asking a lot - and you're asking your friends to approve of everything too and feeling upset and confused when they don't. You are producing a happy, healthy little girl who loves being close to her mother, who understands she needs appropriate responses when she is distressed, not to be left to cry unattended. Your friends, for whatever reason, don't agree with you. So what. DD is your baby :)

I agree with everything you're doing and what has been said. If you wanted some validation of your choices (and it sounds like you might :) ) you could read:

Why Love Matters - quite academic but some serious discussion of attachment parenting from a scientific point of view
What Every Parent Should Know - lots on co sleeping
How Not to Fuck Them Up - lots on why crying is bad for babies

There are lots of us who feel like the odd one out. Have you been to a slingmeet? Try looking on the Slingmeet website - I meet like minded people there and it's good to feel you're in company.

You are doing pretty much what I do, so I think you're doing it all right :)

you will find that other people will always do things differently, and you need to learn to be confident in your choices. When I am feeling unsure, I just hang around some threads on mn that make me realise I'm doing what is right for our family, so what other rl people do that I know doesn't matter!

sounds like you just need to hang out with a few more 'alternative thinking' people tbh. you're doing all the stuff I did with my third and by the time I got to number 3 I was pretty confident and couldn't give a toss what anyone else thought cos numbers 1 and 2 had ended up alright. It's all quite normal and you are not doing anything 'wrong' -just different from those around you. your experience might well be different from theirs - after all, you are an individual and so is your baby.
If it is helpful, you might want to read up on some theories that back up your style of parenting so you can claim to be following that isntead - this is a useful strategy for pissing off those who like to offer an opinion (negative) about everything - you can instead frown seriously and murmur about stress tests on babies who are left to 'cry it out' and increased cortisol levels blah blah. This is only useful if, like me, you quite like winding other people up - otherwise you might like to read some of that literature to reassure yourself about the style of parenting you are using
you could try 'why love matters' or the dr sears website for starters

I honestly don't understand how anyone can leave a baby to cry, when DS cries it physically hurts me.

Sounds normal to me too.

A lot of the babies I know went a bit funny with sleep around 6m. DD became a nightmare to settle in the evenings. It began to sort itself out around 7.5m thankfully.

Weaning really is something to relax about. That can be hard when everyone pushes it as the magic trick which will make your baby sleep (they must think baby rice is routinely cut with diazepam or something). It made not a whit of difference to us. Honestly if your DD doesn't like spoons (and my DD hated them) finger foods are the way to go. If she's sitting up in her highchair just start lobbing her some nice ripe pear or a salt free rice cake and see how she does. If she doesn't seem interested at the mo leave it a few days. Spoon feeding doesn't guarantee you get more into a baby who hates spoonfeeding anyway (I think hardly any parents forcefeed and I'm not sure how you'd do it - babies have a very pronounced gag reflex so if the food ain't going down it ain't going down).

But y'know what your friends who find parenting easier with routines, or want their baby sleeping in its own room or have pushed weaning a bit harder than you (and these are all valid choices) may also be feeling a bit defensive. The comments they make may reflect the fact that they would feel more comfortable if you did things their way because that would validate their approach. Just as you would prefer it if they did things your way because that would make you feel better.

Which I think means buck up, you are doing a great job, and so are your friends and babies are all different and so are their parents and we do what we can in an imperfect universe.

NHS advice (can't find the site right now) is that is a baby spits up more mush than they eat, they may not be developmentally ready for weaning.

I really recommend the Baby Book by Dr William Sears and Martha Sears RN. It's practical, calming and written by attached-parenting proponents and parents of 8 who were all breastfed (even the child with Downs and the adopted child!). Makes you feel a lot saner when all around are doing CC and FF.

Have you tried the tactics from 'the no-cry sleep solution' to try and break the suck to sleep association?

what tiktok said. you are doing exactly what i do which is over-analyse myself and decide i'm rubbish at it all. You are doing a great job.
Listen to your baby. not anyone else. You know what she wants and needs.
Chin up, lovely. And ONWARDS!!

Some babies never like baby rice (and who can blame them?); there's far more calories in breast milk anyway. All babies are different, all parents are different, so if you and she are happy, ignore everyone else.
Lots of feeding at night is probably a growth spurt and will probably pass and if it doesn't, well once you start finding it a real problem (rather than a quick feed and back to sleep which doesn't seem to be a problem for you) then you can "worry" about finding a solution.
DS1 never learnt to self settle in the day, I'm afraid, tho' he did at night from very small (with a period of total sleep anarchy at about 6m, which eventually settled with lots of high calorie food and a lot of pat-pat shush-shush)
DD2 fed herself to sleep every night from 8w to 3m and then she outgrew it.
I guess this still adds up to "go with the flow" and, actually, perhaps don't get any more books!

someone I know recently said she had 'given in' to her 12 week old baby by taking him out of the pram when he was crying. So sad that she seems to think his crying is something she shouldn't give in to, or that she sees it as giving in the implication being that babies are manipulative. I second 'the baby book', if I start to feel like the weird hippy in my group I try to read some to make myself feel better.

DF - what a sad sad story. Really makes you despair a bit when we are viewing babies as manipulative rather than helpless.

your baby sounds so totally normal! remember how happy she is - I bet other people comment on what a happy baby you have, just keep that in mind and think how nice it is that she gets fed and cuddled when she feels hungry. Be proud of what you're doing, and if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable, just smile and say 'oh, that's interesting, we might try that' and then go off and do whatever you want.

I occasionally felt weird for feeding DS every 2 hours until he was about...8 months? it was all the time, and then suddenly it wasn't anymore, and I don't even remember when it changed. He also never had naptimes like the other babies I heard about, and I felt really weedy for not forcing him to go to sleep at whatever time in the morning and afternoon, but again, at some point between 6 and 12 months, I don't even remember when, he did start napping at some regular times. It just seemed to be different from what all the books said.

Lots of people said or implied we were making a rod for our own backs re feeding or sleeping but at 20 months now, he's really sweet, friendly to other children and adults, sleeps through the night, and eats and drinks loads (and most people don't know I'm still bf him once or twice a day...it works for him and for me, so what if I don't know anyone else who's doing it!)

We all hit brick walls!

Try a different food - my 5 month old DD loves avocado and sweet potato (not together!)- she was not into the whole rice/porridge thing. I was so hesitant to give her anything as she has, until recently, been EBF.

By your own admission your little one is as 'happy as Larry' and you are doing things differently to others because you choose to. Do not lose faith in your own instinct.

If you don't want to leave her to cry then don't! And as for the whole 'making a rod for your own back' thing...just listen to yourself and try to go with the flow. Being a mum is difficult and when you feel you are doing things differently to those around you it appears even tougher because you feel alone in your decisions.

Your little one is just finding her way in the world - be patient.

Remember, sleep deprivation is a funny old beast. We will sleep again one day - I hope...

I think I need to listen to my own advice!!!

Chin up x

I could never let any of my babies 'cry it out' either.

One thing I did to help my DS3 settle into his 'big cot' when we moved him into his own room was to sit in the room with him and hold his hand, whilst making shhhh noises. After just 2 nights he started going to sleep really quickly.

We moved him into his own room at just over 7 months as he was too big for his moses basket and my DH wasn't too keen on him being in our bed all night which was starting to happen (although he isn't bothered if he comes in in the night).

He does end up in our bed during the night/early morning but at least he is going to sleep on his own and DH and I have a bit of time on our own in the evening which is nice after a hectic day now we have 3. I started doing this when DS3 was about 9 months he's 10 months now.

Remember everyone parents different, and just because what you do isn't what your friends are doing it doesn't make it wrong.

I'm the only one BF out of my closest friends at the baby groups I go to. I'm just doing what works best for me and my lovely DS .

Good luck.

Thank you all! Everyone's advice has really helped. You know how it is - when you're exhausted, everything seems worse.

Feeling a bit better as DD is now going 3 hours or so between feeds at night. She really is thriving and is so happy and confident and laid back (and yes, everyone does comment on that) so I am just going to stick to my guns and go with what she obviously wants - breast milk and comfort on demand! I assume she'll be sleeping within a year or so.... when back at work (DH is going to be a SAHD when she's a year), I figure I can cope with one wakening for a feed during the night, so hopefully that's not unrealistic!

Re the weaning, I have given up on purees and, following HVs advice, tried her on finger foods only (HV suggested that maybe she just doesn't like being fed mush!)... and she eats!!! She has tried sweet potato, avocado and banana and, while I am not sure how much, if any, goes down, it certainly all goes into her mouth with plently of smiles and ineterest! It feels like a breakthrough!

I heart mumsnet sometimes - it makes me feel sane !!

legally so glad you are feeling more confident. Everything you have said is happening sounds perfectly normal and you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Our DD didn't do purees either and it was proper food or nothing for her. When I tried to feed her with a spoon she got mad.

Haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if I'm repeating. Have you tried going along to your local NCT or LLL groups? You might meet some like minded people there.