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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Why New Mothers End Up Quitting Breastfeeding

55 replies

Treadmillmom · 18/03/2011 09:15

My great niece was born at 8.23am yesterday morning.
At approx 12pm my nephew is on the phone to his grand mother (my mom).
She over hears the wail of the baby over the phone and asks, 'Why's the baby crying?'
'Oh, she wants the breast grandma'.
'You shouldn't give it to her everytime she cries for it', replies my mother.
What utter b* s**.
Oh so a 3.5 hour old baby should be refused a feed, or what, you'll spoil it?
For Gods sake, why do people come out with such utter tosh?
It made me so cross.

OP posts:

irishbird · 20/03/2011 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudianSlippery · 20/03/2011 08:24

I feel that if I'd had better support when DD was born I wouldn't have had PND. And I totally agree about the realistic expectations. I didn't know anyone who'd breastfed (first of my friends to have a baby, and mum didn't breastfeed again probably due to no help!) and was totally taken in by the idea that it wouldn't hurt, and it would be all easy and natural - this is what the NCT BFC told us at Antenatal classes!
This same woman at the hospital would just latch DD on for me and bugger off again, so of course DD would come off the breast and I couldn't get her back on.

If I'd known that actually loads of women find it difficult and painful then I wouldn't have felt like such a failure. We mix fed from the start until 8 months when I stopped BFing.

I moved town before DS was born and it was totally different. The MW listened to my worries and recommended the BFing support group, so I went antenatally. I learnt loads more and had better support in hospital and it worked out fine.

This actually triggered more guilt over DD though. DS is still BFing at 18m and I feel horrible that DD didn't get that. It makes me SO angry that there wasn't support and how much different it could have been :(

That's the reason I trained to do peer supporting, in fact yesterday I helped at an Antenatal info day. I was surprised that over 90% of mums said they were planning to BF :) hopefully the realistic advice we gave them will help them get through the difficult first few weeks.

I'm sure most HV/MWs mean well but they just don't have the time or the training - or even the experience, since they aren't even necessarily parents.

Sorry for the essay this is a subject (literally) close to my heart!

Knackeredmother · 20/03/2011 08:41

Very recently a friend of mine was told by her health visitor to make her baby wait 4 hours for a bf. Told her to take her out in the car/pram to try and last the 4 hours.

juneau · 20/03/2011 08:49

My mother is already banging on about how I'll need to get my second child 'on a schedule' and how I won't be able to carry him around all the time like I did with my son or I 'won't get anything done' (he hasn't even been born yet!)

I just ignore her. I'll breastfeed on demand again and I'll use a sling again, because they worked just fine the first time. What is it with that generation and their neurosis about babies 'manipulating' their caregivers?

Georgimama · 20/03/2011 08:54

I was the only one of her three babies my mum BF on demand (although apparently my demands were pretty clockwork - I was apparently a very easy baby) and unsurprisingly, the only one she BF for six months. She got recurrent bouts of mastitis and had massive problems with let down/flow with the other two. She still thinks there is no link between these things.

Georgimama · 20/03/2011 08:56

I agree juneau - it is a generational thing. My mother is obsessed with the idea that small babies are little despots who will take over and ruin your life if you let them, and that having a baby in the marital bed will drive your husband to the arms of the local harlot.

ningthemerciless · 20/03/2011 09:04

It sounds awful but looking back, I'm so glad that my son went straight into the SCBU when he was born. We had a bit of a rough time of labour and he was basically so low on energy (amongst a couple of other things) that they took him up there to recover. They knew my bf wishes (even though I was so overwhelmed I couldn't think straight) and fed him sugar water for the first 10 hr and let me feed him when I got my shit together. The one-on-one help from the nurses there was so fantastic, so encouraging especially when I compared notes with my friend's BF experience in the PN ward.

I one hundred percent thank them from the bottom of my heart and am so glad that they were there for me the whole time. In the end he took to feeding so well I got him home after 4 days, healthy and already way over his birthweight.

juneau · 20/03/2011 09:07

It's infuriating isn't it! My mother was so helpful in many way after my DS1 was born, but the one thing she kept going on about was 'don't feed him just because he's crying', despite the fact the poor little mite had his hands in his mouth and was obviously starving. I just picked him up and stuck him on the boob. I remember doing it during dinner one night and she thought it was dreadful that I wouldn't even finish my own meal first (I stuck him on and continued eating). Fortunately for me I had great BF support and the courage to follow that and my own instincts. If I'd been younger or less well supported though I can see I might have failed thanks to her negativity. As it was I BF DS1 for 21 months.

DilysPrice · 20/03/2011 09:44

Talking of appalling advice by HCP, a friend of mine was told by a MW in hospital that she shouldn't bother trying to bf because her breasts were too small. The fact that her milk hadn't yet come in did not seem to matter. Friend fortunately ignored her.

CheeseEnforcementAgency · 20/03/2011 10:08

Friend couldn't get advice on whether her meds were compatible with bf til her dd was 2 days old, asked numerous times in pg and advices to speak to Paed. She was given formula in that time & although did feed for 4 months she then had massive lack of support from family/professions through sliw weight gain although myself & other friends advised /supported.

clairevergette · 20/03/2011 11:06

If you really want to breast feed you can. I am not saying it is easy i think it depends on how determinded you are. It took me 6 weeks to managed to do it properly with my little girl and she was 1 last week and we are still going strong. See never fed at all until she was 4 weeks old I expressed and gave her milk from a bottle. i am so pleased I kept at it it is the best thing i ever did. i don't have to worry about getting bottles ready before we go out and i still demand feed now. if you want to do it you can, go to the local sure start center to the breastffeding group and get support. Good luck!!!

tiktok · 20/03/2011 11:40

claire, while determination and motivation are important, you will offend some people if you say 'if you want to, you can'....because there are many women, in different circumstances, who have shown this is just not true. They are understandably hurt if you imply the reason they did not breastfeed is because they did not want to do it strongly enough :(

BertieBotts · 20/03/2011 12:15

There are some problems it's impossible to come through without support. If you can't access that support, or don't know it's there, then it's not your fault. It takes a lot to ask for help sometimes.

The sad thing is if this support were freely available and consistent and seeking help with breastfeeding was seen as expected rather than shameful, many many more people would succeed.

thumbwitch · 20/03/2011 12:19

Absolutely agree, Tiktok.

I have to say though that I do agree that babies are manipulative - that's all babies of all mammals. They are designed cute for starters so we don't abandon them easily, their cries are designed to tug at the heart strings and make us do whatever necessary to stop them - it's survival technique, perfectly natural, perfectly acceptable and should be listened to, not ignored. IMO.

Georgimama · 20/03/2011 12:22

They aren't manipulative in a deliberate, calculated sense though, which ludicrously seems to be what some of the older generation actually mean when they say this.

thumbwitch · 20/03/2011 12:26

No of course not Georgimama - and that is a slightly mad thing for them to think - how is a neonate going to be able to formulate plans to disrupt your adult life?

Georgimama · 20/03/2011 12:43

Well, they can be wily, those newborns. Got to watch em.

tiktok · 20/03/2011 12:51

All true - newborn behaviour, their needs and their wants are designed to ensure they get the care they need to survive and thrive, physically and emotionally. None of this is done on a cognitive level - and I too cringe when I hear people say 'he's got you wrapped round his little finger' as if that's somehow a bad thing and the baby has got it all figured out.

I also hear 'he's got to learn' and 'you don't want him to think you can run after him all day' and other bits of trashy 'common sense'.

Babies grow into toddlers and then into children and then into teens and then adults....all the way they will grow into understanding that they are part of the world and not the most important part, but they don't have to start learning this in the first week!!

Deedadee · 21/03/2011 17:04

I had an argument with my own mother today regarding this issue.

with my first i gave up after 6 weeks, little did i know thenabout the 6 week growth spurt.
i was very dissapointed with myself.

i was determined second time around thatit would be differenyt. my baby is 2wks and 4 days old and he is crying all the time, probably because he is hungry and exhausted from telling me he is hungry.

my mum today, oh i would just give him formula, clearly your not satisfying him.

when i asked her if she realised he was going through a growth spurt at around this time she could not of looked at me more disbeleiving if she tried.

hense to say i have been in tears all afternoon, questioning my ability.

reading these post makes me realise i can do it (i think)

any suggestions on how to increase my milk or what to expect over the next week would reaaly help please

Deedadee · 21/03/2011 17:05

sorry spelling and grammer terrible in last post! typing one handed while feeding liitle one

Knackeredmother · 21/03/2011 18:15

Deedadee your post saddens me so much, I heard that all the time when my dd fed round the clock. I am a gp and determined to find time to do a breastfeeding support course so I can dispel these unhelpful myths with authority.
Keep going, trust your instincts and good luck!

octopusinabox · 21/03/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiktok · 21/03/2011 18:35

Dee - what happens when you hold your baby close to you 24/7 and feed him as soon as he shows signs of stirring? Babies should not be crying all the time - but of course if he is fine as long as he is next to you and comforted with a feed or cuddle at every twitch, there's nothing wrong!

What about his weight gain?

Are you feeding both breasts at least each time, and not really thinking about 'feeds' but instead just popping him on as and when he wants...'cos that's what most young babies want and need :)

FreudianSlippery · 21/03/2011 18:49

Argh I HATE the expectation that babies have specific feeds every few hours. True on demand feeding is just whenever they want, time shouldn't really come into it when they're so tiny. The whole "my milk wasn't enough" feeling is SO damaging and it's even worse when HV/MWs compound this view :(

We were chatting to pregnant ladies about this the other day - we made it clear that it's absolutely fine for baby to be feeding frequently. And I have to say, where the ladies were there with their mums, their mums all did this face when we said it!

What did really bring the message home though was when we showed them some different size marbles - the smallest (normal marble size) is the size of a newborn baby's tummy, that always gets some faces! But it shows that baby can't take much at once, and therefore needs to feed frequently.

WoTmania · 21/03/2011 20:00

Best way to increase your milk supply? Feed your baby :) You sound like you're doing all the right stuff anyway.

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