Please help me stop bf'ing & co-sleeping 13mo dd

[whatsthetimemrwolf]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this should be here or in sleep so thought I'd start here.

DD is nearly 13 months old is on the 91st centile (big baby) and she nurses nearly every hour at night. I've had enough and am desperate for a decent nights sleep. I am ready to give up bf'ing (have a few nights away from DD in a few months time so need her to be sleeping better and not dependent on me for sleep). I'm also finding her teeth make nursing uncomfortable so I'm unable to sleep through it so easily.

We co-sleep (this wasn't an intentional decision, more one that came about to make the night wakings easier). DP and I have been sleeping in separate beds for months now as neither DP or I can sleep with all 3 of us in the bed and its really taking its toll on our relationship!

DD's cot is next to my bed but during the night I just can't seem to get her in it (without waking the whole house up - I also have 2 school aged children!) and to be honest I'm always so tired that its been easier to just feed her lying down. DD won't take a bottle/cup of formula or cows milk.

DD has never slept through the night. She feeds/nurses through the night, before her morning sleep and afternoon sleep. I've noticed that recently she won't always fall asleep after nursing (until recently she always fed to sleep) and I've taken to rocking her which sometimes takes another half an hour. DD is a good eater during the day and is generally a very happy and healthy baby.

I really don't know where to begin, how do I give up bf'ing and co-sleeping without being cruel to dd? I wouldn't mind carrying on bf'ing for a bit longer during the day but can't cope with the night times anymore. DP will only be able to help out at nights at the weekends as he has a long day at work and a stressful job.

Looking forward to any helpful advice, thank you!

No advice but watching with interest as in exactly the same boat with my 9 month old and back at work and exhausted.

The no cry sleep solution by Elizabeth Pantley has great ideas...and is written by a bfing co-sleeping mom.

Stokey38 - you have my sympathies! I'm not working and its exhausting enough!

japhrimel - thank you - will pop to the library tomorrow.

Would this article be of any help?

My advice would be sort the day time naps first. Get her settling herself, feed then in cot and shush/pat/rub/sing/whatever works. Do the same for 7pm feed. Then your DH needs to spend a few evenings rapid returning her to her cot without milk. Set a limit - say you'll offer water until 3/4 hours after last feed, then milk. I think asking to go all night without milk might be too,much but extending stretches to 3/4 hours is 'reasonable'

We did this with 12 month old DC and within 5 days were doing all daytime naps in cot plus a stretch 7pm-11pm in cot, then co-sleeping & 3 hourly feeds. Now I just need to crack that on the head!

Cannot help at all but I feel so much better knowing Im not the only one - although DD2 is only 8 months.

crikeybadger - Jay Gordon's article sounds very interesting thank you. Has anyone successfully used his method?

Porkchopster (love the name btw) - your approach sounds good and not too harsh, thanks. A month or so ago I was exhausted and fed dd, put her in her cot awake and sat beside her singing, patting etc but she screamed for 2 hours solid. I found it heartbreaking (am a real wimp when it comes to dd crying!) but now feel desperate enough to give it a better go. Do you put your dc down asleep or do you wake up after feeding before putting in cot? Good luck cracking the 3 hourly feeds!

MmaIvvy - it does make you feel better not to be alone doesn't it. Everyone I know in RL has babies that slept through the night very early and none of them co-sleep!

also watching with interest. my 9 month old wakes hourly to bf and we are co-sleeping with dh in another room since birth! would love to have your pattern porkchop, problem is i am also doing school run so naps tend to be in sling or occasionally pram but almost never at home.

am off to read jay gordon link, thank you. am not having much success with NCSS.

I was in the same situation for both my children.
What worked for us was having my mum come and take over the nights and me go and sleep somewhere else for 2 nights.
For DD, she was 10 month old, it worked in 2 nights with very little crying. My mum went to her and cuddled her to sleep. She did sleep through by night 3.
It wasn't so radical for DS but he would only wake up 1 or twice a night after that so DH was able to come back to his bedroom!

I find a lot of people lie about their baby sleeping through really early! I breast fed for 12 months and at around 6 months I put baby in his own room. I was advised that baby should be eating enough solid food and have enough milk in the day to sleep through. He woke up a few times in the night at first but after a while went back to sleep and settled himself. It took 5 days for him not to wake up in the night.

A lot of the time baby is suckling and not hungry it is a habit that is carried on and they just need to be trained to sleep. It may seem mean leaving baby to cry but it has to be done. I know people whose kids dont sleep through a night and they are 6 years old because they were never sleep trained!

whatthetime- have to say I haven't actually used this method but I like the gentle approach.

I'm still partially co-sleeping with DS who is 16 months. He wakes about once a night and then I pick him up and he sleeps on top of the duvet. He rarely feeds in the night though and settles back to sleep pretty quickly.

'Sleep training' or leaving a baby to cry isn't for me (at the moment) as I can cope with our sleeping situation.

I can't really remember when he stopped being fed in the night (prob around 10 mo) and I think I patted him to get him back to sleep without a feed.

I read a great quote the other day from fellow mumsnetter and doula Mars Lord.

It went like this:

When talking about when a baby ?should? sleep through, she said that all babies reach the same point eventually. You can either scream them there or love them there.

(Mars is being quoted by her friend iyswim)

I sort of used the Jay Gordon night weaning thing. Didn't manage to persuade him to stop the night feeds til about 18/20m though.

I also kind of co-sleep - DS is in a bed and he comes into my bed at sometime in the night. I am not mad about it but get more sleep by just letting him. I.e. I CBA to do anything about it

We have tried to night wean dd (now 14 mo) several times!. The latest attempt was last week and seems to be working.

What we did was DH settled her in the night, every night for a week. I had earplugs in as otherwise I would rush in to feed her, undoing all the good work. The wakings reduced to one per night and at that point she goes into the speare bed with him. He offers dd water but she doesn't really take it. I then feed her at 6am. If she comes in with me she can smell the milk and won't settle at all until she gets some.

So, DH and I start the night in bed together and get to have cuddles but we are still partially co-sleeping. The next step is to try to get DD to sleep in her own room after the 3am wake up.

I second the recommendation ofr Elizabeth Pantley. I used the baby book and have recently bought the toddler book which has some great ideas in it.

Sorry, just read that your DH works long hours so this post probably not that helpful. Could you try it over one of the April Bank holidays if you can wait that long, or can he take Fri/ Mon off work? I reckon 3 nights might do it.

Leaving a baby to settle by leaving them to cry isn't a bad thing. You could start by checking on them and settling them every fives mins and gradually build the time up so you leave them for longer.

crikeybadger I take your point but leaving a baby to cry for ten mins until they self settle isn't child abuse! lol. There are books with lots of different views it doesnt mean the one you read is fact! Just talking from my own experience my little boy has slept through since 6 months and never wakes in the night unless he is ill.

If your baby will take a bottle of expressed milk, try what I did with my eldest, who was still feeding every couple of hours in the night at 20 months. The first night he only got milk from the bottle, 2nd night milk was 8oz + 1oz water, 3rd night 7oz milk + 2oz water etc until the bottle is only water. My stubborn little man did still continue to wake regularly for just the water for several nights but finally started to sleep through. I have to add that my husband had to do all this with me out of the way, because otherwise my son simply screamed for the breast.

It had become a comfort thing for my son, clearly not due to hunger. Just a bad habbit that we had allowed to creep up I'm afraid to admit. Just hated to hear him cry.

Be warned though, he did cry lots and it was upsetting, but I am sooooo glad we did it.

Good luck and stay strong.

New to mn so hope it's ok to butt in, but I so understand, and life is sooo much better since we night weaned.

My DD is 14 mnths. I night weaned at 8 mnths as with work and hotly feeds and wakes I was going insane.

What we did was stif bf to sleep, BUT put get down in her cot in her own room. Then every night waking was dealt with by going in, hugs, but no feeds. Rather than controlled crying, I put her down the second she stopped crying, every single time, and left the room. Sometimes I shut the door and went straight back in, but always made the point if putting her down and going outside.

After about 3 nights, I started staying outside for 5 minutes at a time.

I have to say it was hard, and when you're so tired it seems mental, but I swear, it took just a week. 14 months now, and we are still merrily daytime bfing. FWIW, my DD refused all bottles and cups, water formula or expressed milk, and even now isn't keen. Despite that, I haven't done a night feed barring illness for 6 months, and she does 12 hours a night with barely a whisper.

Good luck, stay strong, and if you do try it, just hold on to the fact that in a months time, it should be giving you much more of a break!!

i second dr jays night weaning. i did a gentle version = went to about three hours between midnight and 3 am, over a period of about a month, then ds started going 4-5 hours. this was about 16months

"I take your point but leaving a baby to cry for ten mins until they self settle isn't child abuse! lol"

Is that self-settling? Or is that learning that mum can't be arsed to come?

I honestly can't understand how any parent could leave a tiny - and 6mo is still tiny - baby to cry themselves to sleep.

4, 9, and 14 months have been the hardest here - especially this last one. But, the past week (15mo) we've "magically" gone back to decent sleeping patterns. Am glad I've not had to compromise my beliefs in parenting to get there.

"There are books with lots of different views it doesnt mean the one you read is fact!"

Errr, I didn't say it was. Actually there are hundreds of books out there all trying to entice parents that they have the magic cure for getting your child to 'sleep through'. It's big money.

Personally I think that sleep is a developmental thing just as all our babies learn to talk, walk, use the toilet at different times, so children will learn to sleep. I find that many parents judge their parenting skills on how early their child sleeps through.

But surely no one is suggesting leaving a tiny baby to cry themselves to sleep, nor suggesting anyone is compromising their parenting beliefs. What a smug, self satisfied comment.

Anyone who has the luxury of not needing to return to work and care for the rest of the family is very lucky. Doesnt make it any less judgemental and self righteous though. 5 minute breaks while a child learns they can sleep safely alone alone instead of having to be glued to (insecure herself) mummy can hardly be child abuse.

Sorry, but really, dud I miss suggestions of leaving a 6 month to cry all night til they fall asleep??

I do specialise in smug.

"Sorry, but really, dud I miss suggestions of leaving a 6 month to cry all night til they fall asleep??"

Not quite in so many words, but "It may seem mean leaving baby to cry but it has to be done." ain't far off.

(As for your assumption about me not having to work ... hah! I wish. I won't even begin to bore you with the details of my workload.)

It does depend whether the baby is crying to settle themselves or is working up to distraught (linked to causing issues).

Again, sorry if I misunderstood.

And I did mean crying for a couple if minutes to learn that sleep without mummy is fine, not hours of screaming. I don't believe many mums could stand to go that far given how looong 5 minutes seems when sleep training.

I just think if someone is here looking for advice, clearly desperate for sleep and with the need to give her older children decent care, then it's unfair to give the impression that these methods are somehow because she 'can't be arsed' to come. Trying to sort out sleep might not be for everyone, but 13 months of co sleeping and night feeds is pretty hard core. Its damn hard to do any sort of sleep training without feeling like your baby is having to compromise. And, from my own experiences, plus what I've heard elsewhere, actually it's often the opposite. Once they get into the habit and sleep better, they ARE happier, more secure, develop faster, and all with the pleasure of a happy, rested, together mummy. And a happier family.

Didn't mean for smug to come out quite that way...!

"13 months of co sleeping and night feeds is pretty hard core"

I know, we're just short of month 16. We've got here, quite frankly, by the skin of our teeth. Just two weeks ago I was almost begging friends to tell me it was OK to night wean because my DD was waking EVERY 20 MINUTES. I had to put up with that as well as working an 8 hour day, and coming home to 4+ hours of freelance work. So yeah, I know what hard core is. I bloody well know how hard it is when you're up for hours at a time. I also know that I would, should I reach that point of desperation again, do absolutely everything in my power to wean/sleep "train" my DD as gently as I possibly could.

There are numerous gentle methods out there, including the very popular No Cry Sleep Solution. Leaving your baby to cry for progressively longer periods absolutely does not "have to be done" and especially on a 6 month old.

(And fwiw my exasperation was with Sleepyslug, not you or the OP.)