Excuse me for the long whinge but I need to get some opinions in order to make some decisions regarding BF.
To start with I know BF is best and in my head I want to do it and before DD was born I had no intention of doing anything other than BF. I had lots of lovely daydreams about my contented baby breastfeeding and cuddled up in my arms. Obviously the reality has been quite different!
DD is now 3 weeks old. She fed almost immediately after birth and was at the breast for around an hour I think. She appeared to latch on and I got all the midwives who visited us in first few days to confirm that she had a good latch. However, I was never quite convinced that she retained that latch and she appeared to move the nipple forward in her mouth. I found that during the night she would be at the breast for hours but using it for comfort rather than feeding. CMWs were very supportive but I wasn't getting much sleep and after 6 days DD had lost 13% of birth weight so we were admitted to hospital. I was really upset at this as we'd had a home birth but I knew DD wasn't happy so recognised that the feeding needed to be sorted. the hospital made me express milk so we could see how much DD was getting and we topped up with formula as I couldn't express enough milk for all the feeds. At this point DD was still feeding from the breast as well but I think this decreased once we were back at home. We were asked to continue expressing and topping up with FF for a few days and CMW would check weight gain.
Although seeing how much milk DD was taking helped to reassure me, I think the hospital stay reinforced in my mind that I was incapable of feeding my daughter myself. In addition, I wasn't told how often to express so was only doing it a couple of times a day which probably wasn't enough. We'd been syringe feeding so DD could continue to BF but after a few days we realised this couldn't continue - it took too much time, DD was getting lazy about sucking when I put her to breast and we were both getting a bit stressed at feeding time - so we started to use bottles.
To add to the problem, DD got thrush a few days after we came home. She and I are both being treated for this and it's now clearing up but for a couple of days DD wouldn't go on the breast at all.
DD is now gaining weight nicely and is happy and content. I am expressing when I can and also putting DD to breast before I feed her from bottle. She seems to fight this and will only latch on for a few minutes so although it might stimulate supply, I don't think she is actually getting much milk.
I have now noticed that I can't express as much and to be honest, I don't want to. It's time consuming and I've come to dread the thought of expressing, even though I know the milk is beneficial.
So my question is basically do you think it is possible to return to exclusive BF, assuming I can maintain supply and get support to help with latching on?
If I thought it possible to BF full time, then I would persevere, but at this point, I am seriously considering stopping the expressing. It's a really emotional decision as I feel I've failed, albeit through no particular fault of my own. However, I have to consider whether my baby will benefit more from the extra time I have when not expressing/nursing.
What do you think?