Help! I'm feeling so desperate!

[Parker23]

I have a 4 week old little girl and I am absolutely besotted with her but I am feeling so low and overwhelmed that I'm finding it really hard to enjoy this special time!

Obviously there's the usual trials such as sleep deprivation and the expected hormonal roller coaster! But my little girl has gone from being a happy little bundle who just slept, fed and pooped to being a distraught, tired and unhappy little baby!

In week two we found some spots of blood in her poo but we were rational about it and though she had just been straining a lot during the night so it was probably just due to that. Then a week later there was lots more blood and we took her to A&E. They too said it was just a tear in the anal lining and it would heal, although slowly, as she's using it so regularly (10 poops a night sometimes!) I'm EBF at the mo so I'm confused as to why she's straining at all. Her poos are always soft and regular?

Since then the blood has got a lot less but when we're changing her she pushes and strains and you can see that her anus is really open and inflamed inside. You can even see a few little splits around the edge! It's very distressing to see!

As well as this she has reflux. She cries and squirms after every meal and is full of wind. I looked at the Reflux thread on here and there are lots of great tips but I'm finding it so hard to cope with! I have a fast let down and she gulps and gasps as she latches on. I've tried hand expressing a bit before she feeds but it's so difficult at night and doesn't seem to make much difference. I stop her regularly to burp her but she gets very distressed and starts crying which causes her to swallow more air so I often stop before I get a burp up and just try to burp her when she's finished feeding instead. Once she's fed I keep her upright for as long as possible but when I put her down she spends hours half asleep, wriggling, grunting and whooping. I can hear her swallowing back the reflux. It sounds awful and very uncomfortable. We've tried Infant Gaviscon but I have to administer it through a syringe and she's decided he hates it now and won't take it. She's so tired and distressed. The light has gone out of her little eyes!

All this is bad enough but I just feel like such a crap mum. I feel guilty if I leave her to sit in her chair whilst I make some breakfast or try to get dressed/brush teeth/put the washing on etc. I know new babies like to be with their mum as much as poss and I've bought a carrier so I can have her on me more but is it bad to put her down for a bit too? She doesn't like it and will start crying after a short while and then I feel bad and rush to pick her up but never get anything done! It's all making me feel strung out and I really need a break!

I know I'm sounding like the typical first time mum! And I realise all this is mainly just part of being a parent! But I feel like she's in a lot of unnecessary pain and the doctors and HVs don't seem to offer much help except for, 'Wait and see' or 'this is what babies are like.'

I need some MN support! Keep crying and feel so lonely despite having a supportive DH. When he leaves for work I feel the walls closing in!

P.S. Sorry to ramble! Feeling desperate!

Congratulations. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it.

I felt like you do when I had dd1 and it is a lonely place to be. You will get some great support here.

What springs to mind is an allergy - she really does sound like she is having problems. Can you take her back to the doctor for a second opinion - maybe even print or write out your post above so you have it clear in your mind?

Don't worry abput putting her down for a few minutes to get dressed etc.

Have you someone who can call round for a little while to give you a break and make you a cuppa/have a chat?

:( :(

Totally agree about getting the blood checked out.

This can sometimes be allergy/sensitivity but it needs investigating by someone who takes it seriously.

It is never just normal.

This sounds horrible for you. I agree that a second opinion sounds wise. It may be normal (but horrible) for your daughter but it stills sounds like it is worth getting a second opinion. If they still say unfortunately there is little that can be done at least you will know you did everything you could.

You are not a crap mum if you put your baby down when you need to get dressed. Carriers are great but there are some things you cannot do in them like get dressed! Remember your baby is already a little statistician. She will become attached to the person or people who responds most frequently and most consistently to her needs. What matters to her is that you are the person who comforts her quickly 90% of the time, she will not suffer is 10% of the time she has to wait a few minutes.

Some babies cry a lot in the first few months of life. Others less. There is no evidence that the babies who cry a lot suffer any long-term harm or that they love their Mums any less.

You are doing exactly what she needs you to do, you are trying your best to soothe and comfort. In a few weeks (generally around 3 months) she will magically realise who you are and stop crying just because you pick her up and she knows you will help her soon.

Seems like you have a lot to cope with - no wonder you are feeling awful.

I think oversupply can give them a sore bum? That does sound very distressing. What are the poos like? Yellow, like curry sauce is normal.

If she does have reflux and you can't give Gaviscon (its not easy when breastfeeding) I'd take her back to the gp to get some more help to manage it. Have you seen a specialist? Don't feel bad about pushing for more opinions and help.

Lots of babies don't like to be put down. This will probably gradually improve as she gets older. Have you tried a stretchy wrap sling? Lots of people find them more comfortable for them and the baby so you can wear her for longer (and keep her upright). And try to prioritise what can be left for now ie nearly all the housework. Do you have friends or family who can come and hold her while you have a shower in peace? A little space will probably make you feel better able to cope with everything.

Set yourself little goals like getting out for a walk everyday, find out what local baby groups there are. Think about speaking to your gp about how you are feelng too. You should have your 6 week check soon?

Oh thank you all! I'm usually a rational person and I've supported friends who have felt this way when they have had their first baby so I know that rationally I'm doing all I can and she won't suffer if I leave her for 5 mins whilst I go to the loo!! It just seems so confusing and difficult when it's your own new baby!

I am still worried about the poorly bum situ! The thing is, every time me and DH are due to see a HV or doctor we psyche ourselves up before and agree that we're definitely going to push for a referral or ask for a 2nd opinion but when we're with the HV/Doctor and they are calmly explaining that it's normal and we're worrying too much we suddenly feel silly and it all seems much less worrying. That is until it's 3am and she's been crying for an hour after a feed!

I am having my 6 week check up on the 8th Feb Albrecht and I'm seeing the HV on the 1st so I'll make sure I really demand more help if she's no better. I have also booked some Cranial Osteopathy for the 7th because I'd heard such good things about it! Fingers crossed one of them will help!

I thought it could be an allergy too twofornow and tiktok. I read that blood in the poo and reflux could be due to a dairy intolerance so I cut out dairy for a couple of days last week. But so many people said I was probably worrying too much and that it was unlikely to be what I'm eating that I decided I was being silly and gave in on day 3.

Thing is on the 2 days I cut dairy she was a lot happier and slept between feeds. She was still a bit refluxy but definitely better. On the day I gave in and had a big fat cream scone she had a dreadful 48hrs and it was so bad I went back to my RiceDream! So far I've not had time to see whether it's making a difference although she is sleeping ok today. She was very refluxy last night and I worry her throat is sore from all the croaking and grunting! Does anyone have any info on allergies through BF?

I may make an appt with the doctor before my 6 week check if it carries on like this! God it's full on this Mum malarkey isn't it!

I think you need to give it two weeks of eliminating dairy to see if it has an effect - that's the first thing I'd try doing.

By the way Albrecht what IS oversupply exactly? Is it the same as a fast let down?

Also when DD feeds she sometimes clicks when she sucks like her latch loses it's suction. I think she gets air in when she does this. I try to take her off and get her latched on again but she still does it. MW etc have checked my latch and say it's good so bit confused?

Getting a second opinion about the fissure sounds good, but I'd also recommend 'The Baby book' by Dr William Sears and Martha Sears RN. I've just read it (well, most of it) and wish I'd gotten it earlier. So reassurring and chocka with practical solutions for all kinds of issues.

Ooo thanks japhrimel I'll take a look. Not much time to read at the mo but will do my best! x

I'd suggest starting thread in the allergy section (in health topic) about dairy allergy in a breastfed baby.

I know there are several posters who have experience of this and would be able to advise you (my dd has an egg allergy and I've received great advice on the allergy section)

To be honest I probably wouldn't wait til the 1st of Feb to have her seen again, if you can manage to get an appointment before then. I know what you mean about getting all psyched up to push for a referral and then being made to feel it isn't necessary. It's happened to me in the past too.

That sounds very familiar, well, apart from the bleeding part. My LO has reflux and by week 5 I was pretty much at the end of my tether (it's getting better slowly, she's 8 weeks now). Here are a few things that helped us:

I don't use 15ml of water for mixing the Gaviscon but only about 5ml. The mixture has a syrupy consistency which makes it much easier to spoon it into baby's mouth. Mine likes it much better like this and she even likes the syringe now. In the beginning, I mixed it in with expressed milk which isn't quite as effective but still better than nothing.

Have you tried Infacol to make burping her easier? Burping DD was almost impossible because she was thrashing around so much, now she's burping within seconds.

I know it's against the official advise, but I find that DD sleeps much better on her tummy. Actually, she won't sleep on her back at all anymore, but when she still did, she was grunting, coughing, squirming and occasionally choking for maybe an hour before she woke up again. I got a breathing monitor (Respisense Ditto which clips onto the nappy) and now we all get some sleep again at night.

I hope any of this helps and things get better for you soon. The reflux thing alone is terrible and it does sound like your DD's might be caused by an allergy. I know how difficult it is to stand your ground when a doctor tells you what your LO is going through is normal but keep pushing for a referral.

Sympathies. I know how horrible it is when your happy baby seems to become a different person because something's amiss. Definitely get a referal or see someone who will look into the blood. It might only take a gentle examination to confirm that it is just a fissure, but you need it checked out. DS1 had a bit of blood in his poo after a few days of explosive nappies, but it cleared up very fast.

DS2 is 5 weeks and I suspect he has silent reflux too. Not as poorly as your baby, but he also writhes in pain after feeds, farts constantly (and it bothers him) and often misses a day's poo, which also bothers him. He sleeps best upright on us (mind you, I think this is a newborn thing generally) and just about ok on his side. We cosleep, which is saving my sanity but still doesn't settle him on bad nights.

I'd wondered about cutting dairy out too, but thought that current thinking is that it's rarely your diet to blame if you're breastfeeding a troubled baby. Now though, I do wonder if it's worth a stab? Does anyone have any good links about reflux and cutting dairy? (of course, we don't even know it's silent reflux, but it ticks a lot of boxes.)

Reshape - will those help? www.cryingoverspiltmilk.co.nz/AlternativeTherapies/dietallergy.htm and www.kellymom.com/babyconcerns/reflux.html

Parker23 - just wanted to reassure you that you are by no means a crap Mummy ! I hope this doesn't sound condascending, but it can seem all consuming with your first and the lack of sleep was a real shock to me, even though I never thought I needed much sleep ! I have 3 children (the youngest is 6 months, and the eldest is 4).

I have fast let down, and it can be frustrating...I used to dread it as my DD was choking and gulping down more air with every slurp of milk, and you know that it's going to hurt them with as the air passes through their system. By about 4 months it got a lot better and as she got bigger she was better with the gushing milk supply I had. My DD used to cry for a couple of hours every night and my DS used to squirm in his sleep and let out yelps, but it does get less and less. My DC3 is a very windy (burping and farting - really stinky) baby and I think this has done her well regarding the trapped wind as she hardly ever cries (apart from wanting to be held all the time which is hard being number 3 and all !)

Don't be so hard on yourself. This time will not last forever. In as much as you can just let everything go with the house etc. Sit with the baby as much as you can or want to. Indulge yourself. This is your first born. Soon she'll start smiling and interacting with you. Embrace this precious time. I know it's challenging and worrying, but you will get through it.

Good luck with your 6 week check. It must be such a worry to have this blood problem. They are so precious. Hopefully she's gaining weight and as the others have said above, they will be able to sort out the fissure if it doesn't resolve itself.

Let us know how it all goes. Remember that you are not alone !

Big Hugs.

P.S: I always tell my DH he's lucky if he gets a meal at night. I am too exhausted to do much and I can only do as much as I can. Sorry, that's just me. I'm lucky if I get a shower every day tbh !

The first 12 weeks is a big pile of pants in my experience! With DS2 I circled week 12 in red in the calender and then took one day at a time doing whatever I had to do to get there. This involved a LOT of wearing him in the sling, and a lot of buying pointless chairs that he hated sitting in. For first baby, really long walks are great and will help you feel better too.

For DS2 it was just a case of 'wait it out' and he got much less miserable at 10 weeks. Interestingly I have fast let down too. Now he's 9 months and it's great because feeds take about 2 minutes so there is a silver lining.

Some great advice I heard or read was to bear in mind that until they are 3 months old they should basically still be in the womb (they would be if there were other types of animals) so treat it as if you are still pregnant and your body belongs to him for the first 12 weeks. After that he will start to become more independent and the fun-baby part will start!

You're not crap! I hated the 1st 4 weeks, felt guilty for not "entertaining" her and rubbish about everything. It gets better slowly and steadily, in a week you will feel so much better than now, and by 3 months you will be amazed at how fast the time has passed and how you are able to cope so well!

Thank you so much for your support! You have no idea how much it's helping!

She's was grunting and whooping all night and has been screaming all day! She only passed out around 6pm! I managed to try the Gaviscon with the 5mls of water as you suggested suso. She didn't like it at all but most of it went down! She then fell asleep and hasn't woken up yet so thanks for the tip!

Tried contacting the Hv to make an appointment for tomorrow. They fobbed me off and said I should wait till me appointment next week. Think we'll go to the doctors tomorrow if she has another bad night.

I'm going to try to catch some sleep before she wakes up now so I'll write more later or tomorrow. But just wanted to say thank you one more time! Mumsnetters rock!

Parker - DS1 was dairy intolerant, had hideous explosive diarrhoea with blood in it, and reflux. He was fully BF, but got the proteins through my milk. Within about 3 days of me cutting the dairy out of my diet, his temperament had completely changed, he started to relax and be so much more settled. It took about 2 weeks before the diarrhoea improved, as his guts needed to recover.

I convinced myself it was coincidence, but every time I ate something with milk/cream/cheese in, it happened again. And as for when we finally gave him formula, he repainted the sitting room wall it came back so fast!

Hope you get sorted. The first few weeks are tough enough.