I've let myself down

[brainstormer]

I've name changed as I'm feeling ashamed.

I had my DD 4 years ago. While pg, I was preparing to BF - I went to courses run by the local hospital and read up on it as best I could. In the event, her birth was very traumatic (resulting in emcs). I had no skin to skin as I was having an allergic reaction to the spidural and I didn't even get to touch her, let alone hold her for an hour after she was born. DH told me she was suckling when she was first delivered, but by the time I got her she was sleeping. She then slept for 24hrs and I was physically and emotionally feeling terrible. The staff were supportive in trying to get her to latch on on day 2 but she just wouldn't stay awake. The staff encouraged me to express but I couldn't produce anything (tried expressing by hand and using a pump) By day 3 she still hadn't taken anything and the staff put ner on a neonatal feeding chart. She still didn't take anything from me and I was discharged as I desperately wanted to go home.

Once we got home, I just didn't have the physical or emotional reserves to keep going at something that clearly wasn't happening for either me or DD and we moved on to formula. It was definitely the right decision at the time and I've never regretted it.

However, I recently had a second child. I was elated to have a successful vbac but I had really bad flu (which it took a further 3 weeks to get over) at the time of LO's birth. The birth itself was quite speedy (2hrs) and I was slightly stunned for a good few days afterwards. I hadn't really given a lot of consideration as to how I'd feed DC2 (which probably sounds ) and I think that DH and my family just assumed that I'd FF again. We had loads of skin to skin this time. LO latched on for about 2 secs in total. I tried again a couple of times while we were still in hospital but I guess I just assumed it wouldn't happen due to my previous experience. I again reverted to formula.

Now I'm regretting that I didn't try harder to BF him. I don't have a good reason for not trying harder this time and I sort of feel that I didn't prepare well enough - in terms of what other people expected. DH would have been completely supportive, but for some reason I just didn't think enough about what I wanted to do re feeding so we never talked about it. Once DC2 was born, I was so wrapped up in the birth experience itself and how poorly I felt from the flu, I don't know, when LO didn't really show an interest in BF, I just resorted to what I knew (ie FF)

I'm really beginning to feel low about it now, finding myself teary if I think too much about it and I know I'm taking it out on the people around me. Can anyone help me get over this? My DD's birth had a massive shadow cast over it because of the trauma I went through, I don't want to be left feeling the same about this one, when the birth itself was such a positive experience.

You cant beat yourself up about it. You need to forget it- move on and enjoy your baby.

I breastfed my 1st child for 18 months. I was the perfect earth mother etc. My second child wouldn't feed and then was Ill and rushed into hospital. He had formula from 5 days mixed with breast and full formula from 14 days.

I knew wasn't me. If it had been the other way round and he had been my 1st I would have been so worried and felt a failure but I know that I can feed as I did and it was just his circumstances.

Btw he is a very clever little boy with no allergies- so didn't harm him.

So don't blame yourself. Don't dwell on it or worry about it. You have a lovely baby- just enjoy. Cuddle a lot and hold after feeding and it is the same closeness as breast feeding honestly. I held my son in the same way when I fed him, cuddled to the skin etc.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad about this

It sounds like you had two different, but equally traumatic deliveries (fast deliveries can be quite emotionally draining) and that you still need to exorcise the ghosts of your first labour as well. Is there someone that you can talk to about both experiences who will help you get some closure on these issues? Would approaching the patient liaison service at the hospital be an option? I'm sure that they will debrief you on your notes which might help you lose the trauma? Or could your HV or MW put you in touch with a counsellor? Have you talked to your DH and told him how you feel?

Getting BFing off to a good start is hard enough at the best of times, but on top of a dose of flu? I think many women would have struggled with that, but knowing the wrench of a traumatic birth and failing to BF my first, I know that it can be a pretty oppressive thing to have to deal with. It can also lead to PND if not dealt with sooner rather than later (as it did with me) so please try and talk this through with someone soon.

hugs x

As others have said a fast delivery can also be traumatic. I really think you would benefit from talking to someone about your births as they seem to be having a big impact on you. The Birth Trauma Association are supposed to be very good and have a good reputation, do you feel upto giving them a call?

Also, I've had proper flu. Really don't think I'd have managed a VBAC with it so well done. You should be proud of yourself for managing that . Flu can leave you feeling quite miserable for a time anyway, whatever you've been through.

You could also talk to a Breastfeeding Counsellor about your feeling regarding giving formula. The NCT helpline is open from 8am till 10pm.

I hope you do get the support you need to help you enjoy your lovely new baby.

If you feel that are beginning to slip into PND please get in touch with Association for Postnatal Illness.

Forgot to add brain, please take a look this thread too.

Thanks for your kind words. When I was expecting DS, I had to see a specialist mw and she said at the time that I probably needed counselling, although after seeing her I felt loads better about my first delivery and succeeding with the vbac really did exorcise my ghosts. But I was entirely content in my decision to FF DD, so this feeling about DS has really knocked me. The mw did warn me that because of my first birth experience, I would be more likely to suffer PND so I'm trying to keep that in mind and make sure I'm delaing with issues.

Poor DH is studying for some really important exams which is stressing him out - coupled with the fact that he works shifts and of course we're both sleep deprived, plus DD is acting up a bit - I really don't want to add to his worries by bring this up with him right now. All my family FF so they probably wouldn't understand why this is bothering me - tbh, I don't think I understand why it's bothering me either.

If things don't improve by the time of my check-up I'll speak to my GP.

I'm really pleased that you got the VBAC you wanted and congratulations on the arrival of your DS. I'm really sorry that you are feeling low now - you sound like you have a lot on your plate.

I'm fairly convinced that when you are ill after birth - either as a result of a difficult birth or other illness - your body puts all its efforts into healing you and not into producing milk. As a result BF is much harder if possible at all. From an evolutionary point of view this makes sense - if your body doesn't prioritise your survival over your baby's then neither of you would survive and it is better that you survive to reproduce again than neither of you. I don't know if there is any evidence for this (I know that is a really dodgy thing to say), but it makes sense. And flu is horrendous, I don't think I could look after a baby while I had flu, not to mention give birth.

I had a traumatic birth/recovery with DD and BF didn't work out. We moved to FF and have never looked back - like you did with your DD. Both DH and I looked at the research on the benefits of BF and came to the conclusion that we were more than happy to FF. I did end up with PND, but never questioned the choice we made about FF. PND does make you teary and think irrationally - even when you know it is irrational.

I think that you should definitely speak to your GP - get an appointment tomorrow, there is no need to suffer until your check-up.

brain it might help to talk to the birth trauma or the apni before you go to the GP too. It just might give you another perpective and they might also give you some pointers when talking to your GP.