Cosleeping just not working! Arghhh! What else can I do??

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I decided to cosleep with DS2 in advance of his arrival because with DS1, we spent so much of our precious nighttimes settling him back in his basket after hour-long breastfeeds that it was hardly worth going to bed at all! Plus, of course now I have DS1 to look after during the day as well as the new baby. So.

DS2, now 4 weeks, hasn't been in a cot at night at all - every night in my bed. DH has decamped to the spare room because I needed the space, and he was getting disturbed - I need him awake to look after DS during the day! (DH is actually in the other double bed with DS1, but that's another story... DS decided he didn't like his new bedroom - we recently moved house and he's still a bit disturbed.)I really miss DH being here with me at night, as it feels like I'm struggling with the baby on my own. But there's no point in both of us being exhausted.

First week in bed with DS2 was fantastic - he lay snuggled up to me, I found the bedclothes issue ok and he latched on quite well while lying down. I fed him sitting up in bed at least once a night to ensure he was getting a decent feed. Then after a week, he sort of exploded. He has terrible wind - sometimes he's farting for minutes at a time (and they SMELL! Is that normal for a tiny baby?) and farting usually seems to cause him pain. He writhes, pulls his legs up, screams, etc. His poos went from effortless, several-times-a-day jobs to once a day or every other day and they also cause him pain. (They're normal-looking yellow breastmilk poos.) He's particularly unsettled when he hasn't had one for a while. (he is gaining fine as far as I can tell, btw.)

The worst of it is that cosleeping isn't helping him to settle! I know I had a rosy-tinted view of it, but I did think it would make things work out ok. I don't think I've ever read about someone who coslept and still had nightmares with a small baby at night. Basically, if he's unsettled (which he is every night now) he doesn't want to latch on lying down (and often, not in a cradle hold on my lap or even laid over my tummy, tummy-down). He gets frantic, mouthing at my nipple but not latching, and taking in a lot of air. He also lets the nipple slip out of his mouth a lot, even while feeding in a more 'traditional' position, so I need both hands - one for the back of his shoulders and one to keep my boob in place. (Ok, I know this is to be expected but after breastfeeding DS1 in every conceivable position and managing at least one hand free to internet, read, eat, etc, it's doing my head in! )

So feeding lying down (the whole reason I decided to cosleep) doesn't work when I really need it to. Sleeping alongside him doesn't settle him - he'll go to sleep after a feed if I'm lucky and within half an hour, he's got the gas pain and is writhing about in discomfort.

Last night was the worst - he was completely awake - at first not in pain, just wide-awake and ready to party! And then got gradually more and more overtired and just couldn't sleep. I was up with him from half eleven til about 5, I think. DH came in at some point, stuck him in an upright baby carrier and walked him to sleep (I had half an hour lying next to DS1 instead) and we eventually managed to get him out of the carrier and onto the bed next to me, though gas woke him up a bit later.

WTF do I DO? I feel completely desperate because it feels like I'm already doing everything I can! Cosleeping wasn't something I entered into doing lightly - I think I'm quite far along the 'attachment spectrum' but still don't want to cosleep forever - I feel pretty ambivalent about sharing our bed for longer than a few months and we were hoping we'd be able to get him into a cot, gently, by about 6 months. But DS2 now is extremely reluctant to be put down asleep in a basket downstairs for a nap, so I don't rate our chances of getting him into a cot too highly.

So I feel like I've already used up all the tools in my toolbox. I bf on demand, usually every 2 hours. We're using slings and carriers. He sleeps snuggled next to me at night, and usually has naps on my lap. So what the feck more can I DO? I feel ill with lack of sleep today.

And the worst thing is, I'm not yet doing all this alone but will be from next week. DH managed to work from home for the first couple of weeks because the baby was born at the start of the uni vacation, and is now coming to the end of his paternity leave. Yes, that's right. I'm whinging about all of his and DH has actually been at home all month! I just don't know how I'll cope with both of them when he goes back to to work. DS1 is being, ahem, challenging at the moment because of the baby and the housemove, and needs a huge amount of attention and fuss. I feel like I'm not bonding with DS2 enough, and breastfeeding with him is such a different experience than it was with DS1 that I'm constantly thrown and wondering what to do. And now none of us are getting any sleep.

Don't know what I'm looking for, except maybe another parent who found cosleeping wasn't the magic answer at first. Does it get better?

Hi,
I'm just wondering - would the co-sleeping be better if DS2 wasn't suffering with the gas pain?

Can you try and alleviate this and see if things improve in the sleeping department?

I suppose what I'm trying to say (rather badly admittedly) is that I'm not sure things would be any better if you weren't co-sleeping. DS2 would still have' gas pain' surely?

Would massage, gripe water or the tiger tree hold help in any way?

We've partially co-slept for the last 15 months and there are good nights and terrible nights ( we had a ready to party scenario two nights ago -yawn).

Hope others can be of some more help

Probably. In fact,I keep on reminding myself what additional hell this would be if I were trying to settle him into a basket. But I don't know what to do about the gas. MW said (not unsympathetically) that newborns often have sluggish digestions and that it will improve over time. I do baby massage on his tummy and pump his legs but it doesn't make a difference. Tiger hold works sometimes but then you can't put him down again!

Thanks for your support - I think I'd just been taken in by the pro-cosleeping propoganda and not considered that it isn't always a magic wand.

I'm not sure there is ever a neat answer!

But if you are doubting co-sleeping could you try him in a cot/basket/whatever you used with DS1, with a shirt you've been wearing all day (so it's warm and smells of you) and tip it up slightly at the head end?

Have you thought about trying cranial osteopathy? It did seem to help DS3 when he had gas problems- he certainly seemed calmer afterwards any way.

I'm not sure co-sleeping is a magic wand- it can work for some people and some babies for various lengths of time. Like all things, I suppose you try it, see if it works for you and if it doesn't, you try and find another solution. Or just stick with it for now and see if things improve by themselves...

MW did suggest cranial - am getting in touch with a friend who does this today. Not sure about it but god, it's got to be worth a try!

LaWeaselMys, we haven't even got a crib set up for him in the bedroom (think half of it is still in storage!) but I think it might help me in some wierd psychological way if it were just in the room. And we could certainly try putting him down just to reassure me that it might sometimes work.

I'm sure I'll get used to the bedsharing thing, but at the moment it's making me feel lonely (no DH), unsure of my choices, and rather desperate that I'm snuggling next to him and he's STILL unhappy!

I gave up on co-sleeping. I couldn't sleep, and after a certain age DD just wanted to poke me in the face instead of sleeping!

Don't feel bad if you quit nothing works for every baby (sadly!)

I'm one of the people you're looking for. I tried co-sleeping with DS around 6 weeks which helped a bit but it definitely wasn't a magic solution and he was back in his carry cot within a week. Previous attempts had meant he never went to sleep.

Although he fed lying down happily enough, after 2 weeks old, he never fed to sleep, and only started doing it again at bedtime at around 10/11 weeks IIRC (but not at any other time of day). He needed motion to sleep, which I couldn't do lying down.

At some point around 3 - 3.5 months he started to feed to sleep in the night again.

I tried again (well, with DS on a mattress next to mine on the floor so I could feed lying down & then move away) at 4 months. It was wonderful. DS fed to sleep happily every time and we both got so much more sleep.

So it can change.

He went back in his cot at about 7 months, was back on the mattress when we hit the 8 month sleep regression, and came properly into bed with me at 11 months, where he is still at 12.5 m.o. (because I enjoy it rather than just because it helps IYSWIM).

I don't have any suggestions for the gas pains etc, but when DS won't feed back to sleep at night, I lie him face down on my chest and bounce him. I lie on my back with my knees bent and kind of rock my pelvis - or else I put my feet against the wall at the foot of the bed and 'push off' against it. I then roll him off my chest and into the space beside me. Something like that might help if he needs motion. You might need to wait 20 mins till he's in deep sleep before moving him.

Can you try propping up the head end of your bed a bit?

Have you tried feeding in the biological nurturing position?

I see why you're frustrated - but while you're still co-sleeping, I would tell yourself that it's better he's unhappy with you snuggling next to him than unhappy without you snuggling next to him (and after you've spent hours trying to settle him in his cot). I wouldn't feel bad about trying the cot if you want, though.

Buckets of sympathy though. For the first couple of months DS was always awake for 2 hours whenever he woke in the night. It was truly horrific, and I can't imagine how difficult it must be when you have a toddler to deal with too. Some of DS's nighttime wakefulness was to do with overtiredness from not sleeping in the day, but it sounds like you're sorted on that one.

A long time ago for me, but I remember that babies really need to LEARN how to poo and that they struggle desperatley to learn how. My dcs both really struggled, and what saved them and me was glycerine suppositories, as recommended by the Searses in The Baby Book. You can get them in the UK, and they worked like a dream.

I don't believe a word of homeopathy, but it worked absolute wonders for dd's colic. I coslept with both mine by being utterly no fun, mainly.

I tried co-sleeping with my DD (now 10 weeks too) and although it worked for the first two weeks - for sleeping only, I always fed her sitting up in bed - I wasn't getting much decent sleep and DD was getting disturbed too. (And we never really cracked the feeding lying down thing) She also suffers from wind, although not as badly as your DS from the sounds of it, and so I sympathise.

What worked for us - over time - was swaddling. And when she hit about 7 weeks and wouldn't suck to sleep (I think she wanted to suck for comfort rather than milk, and got frustrated when milk came out, which also made wind worse) was a dummy. She only uses it for sleep but it really has helped. She normally spits it out after falling asleep and then doesn't need it again in the night. I also give her a dose of gripe water before bed which has really helped the wind situation. Maybe worth a shot if you haven't already?

Co-sleeping didn't work for us until DD was about 4.5m old. By that point she would feed lying down and then go back to sleep. As a tiny baby the only thing that would reliably get her to sleep was movement. I spent hours bouncing on a bouncy ball getting her to the point where I could put her down. Swaddling helped a bit, as did a dummy. And having the cot with the side down next to the bed so that once I had got her down I could keep an arm curled round her for reassurance all helped. But there was no magic bullet.

DD's farts were stinky when she was tiny too. I guess it is normal. Certainly she hasn't anything wrong with her digestive system.

Sorry I can't help more.

We swaddled too.

Any chance of getting a co-sleeper cot? That what you can co-sleep, baby is getting used o a cot and dh can be in bed with you. Might make things a whole lot easier on that side of things.

I'm not sure about the rest but I've also hear cranial osteopath to be good.

Perhaps try an amby nest? DD sleeps very well in one and its the only time she doesn't posset whilst lying down. She does rip out the most tremendous trumps though!

Wow. I am stunned by so much useful advice, and support!

Angeldog, sounds as if you really persevered at cosleeping. I'm glad it worked out in the end - and now you've got a 12 m old in bed with you, do you find that the quality of your own sleep is better?

We do feed in a sort of biological nurturing position, though I do manipulate the nipple into his mouth. It only works to get him to sleep if he's already worn down by then, and most of the time, he falls asleep with the nipple in his mouth, it slips out, he gets cross and wakeful, and then he's so tired he can't latch on again effectively.

I'm going to try gripe water tomorrow. DS doesn't seem to get on with swaddling, but might try that too. A bit concerned about him overheating in bed with me if swaddled though. And a friend does cranial osteopathy so might try that too. Basically, if the wind does sort itself out, I'll never know what it was that helped, but that's fine by me!

I co-sleep from whenever dd wakes in the night, she starts off in her cot. I feed her until she is sleepy then swaddle and gently lay in the cot. Sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't. Once she is in our bed she latches on whenever she wakes- but it's hit and miss sometimes she flaps about!
My baby is nearly 4 months and yours is still very small, It will probably get easier soon. With the wind - I pull dd's knees up to he chest and rock side to side, helps release lots of it.
Good luck!

Haven't had time to read all this but just wanted to say what DS2 is happy to do now has little bearing on what he'll be ok with at 6 mths... 4 weeks is still so young.

My dd wouldn't go in a carrycot, pram, Moses, carseat or indeed anything except a sling on my chest upright till about 8-9 weeks. We co-slept of course but she wouldn't sleep anywhere but ON me. I used to feed her then when she was flat out very slowly slide her off my tummy and onto the bed next to me...

She was in her own room by 6 mths - gradual process of moving from co- sleeping to bath, jamas, milk and into moses basket with us in sitting room in the evenings then us taking her up and putting Moses in the cot next to us. Then about 3 - 4 mths she wd have her bath then go straight to her cot and not come downstairs, etc etc till by 6 mths she had a bath bed and cot routine.

You'll get there - must be tough with 2!

Actually, until DS was 11 months I was always a reluctant 'pragmatic' co-sleeper and was paranoid about 'bad habits', till I read Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson.

But yes, I sleep better now than I have at any point in my life, despite DS being a frequent waker. My main gripe is that he usually refuses to feed more than once after I go to bed, so if he wakes more than once I have to resort to the bouncing effort. It's still more restful than having to get up to do it though. :)

It sounds to me that it's not the cosleeping that is your problem here but the wind! Exactly the problem I had with my DS. I experimented with my diet and discovered that by mostly cutting out dairy the problem was largely solved. He is now 6 months and I am back to eating as normal. Upon reading up on the subject apparently dairy, grapes, citrus fruits and some other unlikely culprits can be to blame. Perhaps worth a try?
The other thing I found was feeding lying down meant DS rarely 'burped' properly which led to tummy pain, so a couple of times a night I made sure I sat him up properly and winded him.
If it's any consolation at 6mo DS is now sleeping 7-7 with one feed in the middle, starts off in his cot so I get an evening to myself then comes into my be for the feed and stays. Still a windy little chap but copes with it much better!

Just wanted to add my voice to the swaddling fans in cosleeping. We had little flannel wraps for both my children. Later the wraps became cuddlies for them... Persevere! It is such a lovely thing...and they do give it up eventually.