14mo - Have I messed it all up?

[FrowningNotRaving]

Hi,

Am a lurker who has now plucked up the courage to post. I've put this in Sleep too.

I have a very lovely 14 mo dd. We have co-slept since the night she was born and she still bf regularly: Morning and evening/several times during the night (10ish, 1 ish, 4ish...) on weekdays and a couple of times a day and the same amount during the night at weekends. She eats 3 good meals a day and 2snacks a day. 98th percentile for weight. My husband works very long hours/shift work/varies week to week so he's not that much help, lovely that he is. I work full-time with no family near by.

I need help as dd has never slept throught the night. That's not to big a problem as I go to bed early, especially when dh is at work and I don't wake up fully. Thing is, bedtimes have recently become an ordeal with dd being distraught when I put her down in her room for the first part of the night. Really traumatic! Also, she has started to 'tantrum' - writhing and arching back in anger when I put the books away at bedtime, try to brush her teeth etc.

This probably sounds barking mad but I'm starting to wonder if the feeding and co-sleeping is 'spoiling' her a bit. It probably wouldn't have crossed my mind that much but dh thinks we need to start encouraging her to sleep on her own and being a bit firmer but I can't imagine a time when she'll ever be ready at the moment!

I'm concerned that I've lost objectivity as I do have a bit of guilt at working full-time and I do cherish being with her during the night.

Any ideas as to how I can encourage her to sleep better? Is it possible for 14 mo to tantrum?

Thanks - and apologies for the length!

Hi have you read the thread in breast and bottle feeding - I can't do this anymore?
She's going through exactly the same as you.
I think that do you want the co-sleeping and bf to remain on your daughters terms? I.e. She could bf till she's 4 and will want to co-sleep till a similar age.
Or are you really ready to change things?
There's no right or wrong answer.
Maybe think about how many feeds you'd like to carry on with, if any.
Also if you want her to begin to try sleeping the whole night in her own bed which method of getting her to settle there do u want to use?
I would look at where she's sleeping first and then gradually stop those night feeds.
She won't feel any less loved.

Perhaps not a huge help, as DS was in his own cot, but I've always BF him through the night whenever he wanted it, so between 1 and about 5 times. I was despairing of him ever sleeping through, but suddenly when he was 18.5 months he just did (with a small amount of gentle persuasion). Now very occasionally (if he's ill, away from home etc) he'll wake and want feeding in the night and I will always feed him, but the majority of the time he sleeps through. I think he was just ready to do so.

Getting the 'No Cry Sleep Solution' book helped somewhat, as does regularly assessing the bedtime routine to make sure its still meeting DS's needs - we had a situation where DS was watching Waybuloo and getting really sleepy, then going up for bath/milk/bed and being wide awake again after splashy bath, so we changed it so Waybuloo was the last thing before milk and bed... then the TV show was swapped for books as DS wanted to watch shows that were more lively. In your situation I'd think that if your DD starts crying after books, then could you do her teeth etc earlier, so after books its lights-off and milk time? Maybe she's just very tired by then?

Also, am I read your post right that you put her down in her room, then take her into yours? If so then she may be scared as its unfamiliar? Or if its your room maybe she's scared because she's alone? You can try putting as many things in place that are reassuring, so we had familiar music every night, the same comfort toys and a gloworm toy that DS could press to comfort himself while he was going to sleep and if he woke up in the night. You could also put her down with a blanket that smells of you (bit pointless if she is going to sleep in your bed. :) )

Long reply, but I hope its some help. :)

I co-slept with both dcs for first few months and then moved them to a cot at bedtime. I would pick them up when they woke up for next feed and take them to my bed for the rest of the night. Gradually they would start sleeping for longer stretches and at around 16 months they started sleeping through the night.

I don't think co-sleeping when they are very small means they will want to still do it when they are four-at least that wasn't our experience.

Now, the bedtime itself- I think your DD is big enough for a bit of firmness i.e. leaving her in her cot for a few minutes and coming back to reassure her and tell her that she must sleep now etc. It will take some time, but eventually she'll get it that she only gets to stay with mummy at the middle of the night feed iyswim.

DD is now 23 months and still bf and sleeps through in her cot. I leave her in there with some toys and books and she plays and chatters happily to herself for a bit before falling asleep.

So, yes, at 14 mo you might want to not give in at bedtime, but still take her to bed for later feeds. Slowly she'll wake up less and in few months time she'll probably sleep through.

Don't know why but I feel really upset reading all these posts. Thank you so much everyone. I'm really grateful and I will definitely check out the other thread.

I don't want to give up bf yet - I've told myself not before 2 unless she initiates it.

I think I will have to look at/firm up the bedtime routine. I do usually put her down in her cot and move her the first waking after I've gone to bed but tonight I've put her in the travel cot in our room as she was so upset and dh is actually working away at the moment which seems to be unsettling her that bit more.

I do have the No Cry Sleep Solution and I will look again.

Thanks everyone.

No, definitely no need to give up bf.

That has nothing to do with your problem, really.

14 mo should not be expected to sleep through or not mind being left alone to fall asleep.

Just try the bedtime first, if you want. You don't have to. I guarantee you that she won't be refusing to fall asleep in her bed when she's 6 .

Just relax. Think what you're comfortable with. I only mentioned the firmness at bedime as it's nice for you to have some time alone or with your DH and your DD will eventually have to learn to fall asleep alone.

But it also could be just a phase, they go through so may different ones.

By the time she's two it'll all calm down.

Hi, I'm afraid I am not much of an expert as I have recently been posting in the sleep forum, but have you tried sitting with your DD in her room? My DD was very recently very unsettled at bedtime and during the night (for up to 5 hours!) and would scream as soon as I put her in her cot - we have different circumstances though as my DD has always slept in her own cot, but is still breastfed.

Anyway, I am blethering, but what we have started to do is use the pantley pull off method when my DD is sleepy and doing fluttery sucks. I then sit holding her for up to 5 minutes until she is almost asleep and then place her in her cot. I then sit on a chair in her room. Not next to the cot, but where she can see me. If she cries I sing or shhh shhh. Initially she did cry but started to self settle very quickly, much to my susprise! I leave the room when she is almost asleep and very settled - have made the mistake of leaving too early and this has upset her. I am pretty surprised at how well this has worked. I think sitting with her reduced her seperation anxiety. We are now back to one wakening per night and I use the same method when resettling her at night. We have gone from 3 hour wakenings to 20 minute wakenings. I always feed my DD when she wakens though.

I guess what I was trying to get across was. . , that I would worry that the older a child gets the more it becomes about their choice rather than yours. I can't imagine trying to explain to a child that it was time to stop bf.
So I'd just be prepared for that.
But I reckon once she's happy sleeping in her own room things will look a lot brighter and you'll be happy carrying on with the bf till whenever.