How do i convince DH about BF

[Justtrying]

Hi my DC1 is due in may and i'd like to try and BF, but DH isn't keen at all. He particularly doesn't want me to BF in public. How do I change his mind? Of course I might be unable to BF but at least want to give is a go for a while. Will be returning to work once DC is 6 months old so will have to switch to bottles in the end anyway.

Is he serious?

What are his reasons?

Isn't it up to him to convince you not to?

Can he come to one of your AN appointments and the MW tell him that it is the best thing for your baby?

What are his concerns?

And - you don't have to switch to bottles at six months if you are going back to work. You can express and feed BM, you can mix feed, there are all sorts of options.

He doesn't want me to get my boobs out in public, I've tried reassuring him that there are ways of being discrete. I intend to express once in a routine so he can do some feeds, but he is firmly in the bottle camp, perhaps because that was the norm when his duaghter was born 37 years ago.

Tell him that if baby is bf you will have to do all feeds and all night times, whereas he will get to sleep. That should convince him!

Does he really think that Bfing in public means getting your norks out in full view of everyone in the cafe? Apart from giving him some info on the benefits of Bfing for both you and your baby (and surely he wants the best for you) I would contact a bf councillor through the Nct and get them to talk to both of you (my local one was happy to drop by the house). Bfing can be challenging enough to establish so you need to have his support. You probably won't be out and about too much in the first few weeks anyway so by the time you are then you will have enough practice to bf discreetly ( there are always discreet corners in cafes and some shopping centres have bf areas too). And at the end of the day it is your body so your decision so if he still feels funny tell him you are doing it anyway and I'm sure after he sees you together he will realise how silly he is being. Good luck!

My dad was very anti BF (not that that affected me, obviously, different from a DH) and perhaps of a similar generation - they do tend to be quite squeamish. Before I had my DCs, he would leave the room on the rare occasion anyone looked like they might even try BFing. But after I had my DCs, he became much more adaptable, and can even sit in a restaurant with us while I BF without looking too pained :) Perhaps adjust him to it gently - just nod and say you wouldn't do anything embarrassing. Once he's got used to you BFing at home, it may seem much more acceptable and normal. And maybe leave a lot of leaflets around about the health benefits. It was the one about the IQ increase that hit home with my dad (my mum kept mentioning all the different benefits to him). Hearing it from sources other than you might help - does he have any friends whose partners have BF? Good luck x

So sorry you are having a tough time. I FF now, and DH was 100% supportive of the BF that I managed, so I don't have any advice to give from my own experience. But someone on another thread had a suggestion that I thought was very good which was to focus on the health benefits of BF that were relevant to her family's situation. I think in her case it was breast cancer and eczema, i.e. that BF has been shown to reduce the risk of both of these. Her point was that if you bombard someone who is anti with a whole load of info on the health benefits then they someimes switch off. But if you can present a smaller amount of info that is specifically relevant, then it has a better chance of being listened to. I think another useful tactic woudl be to point out how much of a faff bottle feeding is - both when you are at home and when you go out. I'm not saying that BF is a walk in the park and I know some women find it very difficult - me for example! But FF by its very nature is a hassle, requires you to be much more organised, and is an added expense. Good luck!

He can't help whatever emotional and psychologcal baggage he brings to parenting this time round, but as an adult, he has an obligation (if that's not too strong a word) to explore the issue of breastfeeding with you as it is important to you.

Clearly, he is unconvinced by the health argument - at least, he must be; if he is that worried about bf in public, he must think it makes no difference to your or your baby's health as he is surely not going to put his own feelings of embarrassment above his baby's health.

I hope you manage to talk about this - midwife or bfc would be useful, I agree.

Does he know about all the health benefits? Most people know about the lower risk of allergies, chest infections etc but does he also know about the lower risk of childhood leukaemia, breast cancer for you etc? If the health benefits don't convince him, why not say that if he's so keen on bottle feeding, he can be in charge. Give him a dummy run now - set him up with a steriliser, kettle, bottles and formula. For 24 hours he has to make all the feeds - doing all the sterilising, boiling kettle, letting it cool for 20 mins, measuring formula, making it up, cooling bottle, rewarming to correct temp, allowing time for baby to feed, washing up bottle, sterilising again...all day and night.

Or he can consider option 2 - bringing you a cup of tea while you lift up your t-shirt. It's a no-brainer really. Stick to your guns - he has to give way on this if it's what you want. And as others have said, there are loads of ways to bf discreetly in public - you can always use feeding rooms (try Mothercare/Boots/John Lewis) if he really doesn't want you to do it in a cafe, but to be honest after a few weeks you'll be so good at it no-one will see anything, promise.

That is a really good idea lurcher. I'm sure that advice about how to make up feeds etc has changed a lot since he had his daughter.

It is a shame he is so narrow-minded, but at the end of the day it is your body and he actually can't tell you what to do with it - so if you want to BF then you should do so.

Even if you bf for 6 months that's really worthwhile and better than most. It's definitely worth starting, see where it takes you. You are wanting the best start for your baby dh needs to respect that.

I would find it more embarassing to have a screaming baby in public because he has to wait for te bottle to be prepared or because he needs comforting - much more embarassing than quickly and discretely latching him on.

I hope you manage to work this out between you. He is probably unaware of the very strong emotional urge that some women have to breastfeed and that his lack of support could end up making you feel resentful towards him. If you explain that it's important to you, hopefully he'll come round?
Good luck and congratulations on the pregnancy :)

Ask him if he's ever seen a lady get her boobs out in public. Maybe he's just seen babies being 'cuddled' by their mummies!!

My DH is supportive but super paranoid about me exposing myself in public to the point of holding up a blanket while DD is latching. I find it very annoying as no one can see anything anyway. He also goes on about I might be fine with it but others may be offended. I ignore him.

Once you get the knack its so easy and makes FFing seem really complicated (which I am sure its not). I would say though that in the early days it can be a bit of a case of all boob out or nothing while you're trying to get established and I was not comfortable feeding out and about for a while, not least because at first I needed pillows to support my arms! When DD got to about 2 months though, she got so into the knack of things that she's often latched herself on before I'm even settled!

I was terrified of getting my boobs out in public - to the point that, in the first couple of weeks, I didn't leave the house for more than 2 hours. After the first unplanned (but extremely liberating) public feed in a park I realised that I'm not actually having to "get my boobs out". So long as you wear the right clothes (I always have a vest on under whatever I'm wearing so you pull the top layer up and the bottom layer down) you can barely see anything.

I'm not sure why he should be against you "showing your boobs" in public. They're yours and he's not the one having to do it. I find it really bizarre that he would rather have you covered up than do what's best (and a hell of a lot easier) for your baby.

Lurcher, my best friends daughter was solely breast fed and developed leukaemia. There is absolutely NO evidence to support your statement about that. None at all. I wrote to the Breast Feeding Advisor at my local hospital about that and spoke to numerous Paediatric Oncologists and not one of them had any evidence to say it made a difference.

I am breast feeding my daughter because it is natural and easy not because of made up 'facts'.

When my brothers gf got pregnant years ago he was a bit of a child about BFing
'Why would you want to sit in public with your tits hanging out!'
I took him to our local soft play centre and told him i could see 5 women BFing right now,
He nearly gave himself whiplash looking around for boobs, I had to point out the women he assumed they were cuddling or just holding the baby.

Like PickleSarnie just get the clothes right and no one will know

sadie

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's daughter. I hope she's ok.

lurcher is correct about the reduction in risk of leukaemia in BF children. Here's the study:

jnci.oxfordjournals.org/content/91/20/1765.abstract?maxtoshow=&HITS=10&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&titleabstract=leukemia&searchid=QID_NOT_SET&FIRSTINDEX=&fdate=10/1/1999

sadie - I'm sorry too to hear about your friend's daughter and hope she recovered. But it is true that BF lowers the risk - but it can only lower a risk, not eliminate it. Of course BF babies can still get leukaemia, and some unlucky ones will - but statistically fewer than FF babies.

Thanks for your kind messages re. my friend and for the link, however please don't believe everything you read on the internet regarding cancer and the links to breast feeding. Not one of the Oncologists I spoke to backed up the breast feeding argument and surely they ARE the experts, not articles on the internet. The number of times they cursed the internet for its so called facts was amazing!

Organic, Lurcher is NOT correct. I'm sorry but she's not. Imagine how mothers who breast feed their babies feel when they see this kind of stuff and their child has had Leukaemia? My friend broke down in tears while she was in hospital after having her second child after seeing posters displaying this kind of information. She then spoke to the Sister in charge and the posters were removed as they were completely incorrect. I was with her and she completely broke down, she said she felt like the poster was just slapping her in the face.

I'm all for promoting breastfeeding as it is wonderful but it must be promoted properly and not by using scare tactics. Also, my friend was NEVER ever asked by her daughter's Oncologist whether her daughter was breast fed or whether she intended to breast feed her second child? Surely if breast feeding made such a difference to this then the Oncologist would have made sure she was breastfeeding the second especially as her first child had had Leukaemia? The Oncologist did not mention it once.

Sorry to get all upset about this but I will never forget seeing my friend in the hospital and never forget how upset this made her.

Please stop spreading this myth about Leukamia and breast feeding. Please. Breast feed simply because it is a wonderful thing to do.

Justtrying, I am a self confessed prude but have managed to BF 4 DCs , even in public places. There is no need to "take it all out" to BF I never even invested in any gadgets that covers you or the baby when feeding and never felt like I was showing too much body to passers by

sadie - it's so sad about your friend, and of course any message about breastfeeding and health should be fact-based.

This one is - leukaemia is rare but not breastfeeding increases the risks. There are several studies which confirm this. Either the oncologist in your friend's case felt that it was not significant in that situation, or else he was sensitive to your friend's feelings and did not want to raise the suggestion 'make sure you breastfeed your next baby'. Leukaemia in two successive siblings would be enormously rare and upsetting a grieving mother for the sake of a reduction in an already tiny risk is probably not the right thing to do.

I think it is an ongoing question how best to communicate the health effects of infant feeding choices - but ignoring research or saying the conclusions of well-conducted studies are wrong is not the right way.

Justtrying- I know they are controversial on this forum (still scarred by the 970 post thread on whether "hooter hiders" are a force for good or evil) but I do have a nursing cover which I use for feeding in public.

This is because I am quite well endowed (putting it politely) and because DS likes to pull off frequently and have a good old look at all the lovely people in Starbucks, displaying my boob to all and sundry as he does so. Also, for some reason he doesn't feed as well if he cant see/ grab the whole boob.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with showing your boobs when feeding your baby, but I'd personally rather not do so, so this is my compromise.

I got mine from bebe au lait.

I just had a look at ebay, and they have nursing covers from about a tenner. It's a fair compromise and you can get some very pretty ones to suit your taste. I have one I got from Mamasan maternity (a US brand that does punk and rockabilly maternity wear) it's got mexican sugar skulls on it . I don't use it very often, but when I do feel I need it (usually in a very visible/crowded space where I am not dressed for the ultra discreet or DS is distracted), it's really nice to lose the self consciousness.