Unable to come to terms with inability to ebf

[happymob]

Hello,

This is my 1st post although I have used mumsnet since DS1 was born.

DS2 is now 5 months old. He arrived by surprise at 36 weeks. He latched beautifully the first three times in hospital and then it became very painful. It was hugely important for me to exclusively breast feed as I am a T1 diabetic. ( my mother bf me for 16 weeks ) .

I repeatedly told the midwives that there was a bite whenever he latched and I cried with the pain. They all shrugged their shoulders and said "he's latched" and walked off ! On day 5 as soon as we got home, I saw a lactation consultant - for 4.5 hours over 3 visits and she failed to spot tongue tie. ( she has since refunded the money but this means nothing because I now realise that she was negligent) . By the time tongue tie (of moderate to severe severity) was diagnosed and divided, despite expressing frequently, my milk supply had taken quite a hit and at 12 weeks dropped significantly.

I am still combined feeding him but still get terribly upset when I give him formula because I am worried that I have increased his risk of getting T1 DM. Last week my milk supply dropped further and he sometimes now refuses to breast feed. Everywhere I look, everyone is talking about the benefits of ebf - this makes me feel ill and I cry a lot about what has happened.

Can anyone who may have been through something similar recommend a psychotherapist I could see to help me come to terms with what has happened? I do not want to speak to anyone form the NCT as I find them so evangelistic about bf that it just makes me feel more unhappy.

Can you speak to the LLL? I found them excellent and a great source of knowledge. DS went on nursing strike for months but we're still going at 14 months. He came back to the boob around 6/7 months. They might be able to help you move back to EBF? They may also be able to help you with a psychotherapist.

I also spoke to NCT bf counsellor and they were very sympathetic - not at all evangelical.

Hello, poor you. It seems like you've had a bit of a rough start.

'Last week my milk supply dropped further'

Can I ask how you know this though?

How many breastfeeds/ bottle feeds are you giving per day?

I remember panicking when I had to EBF DS and suddenly I couldn't meet his needs even though I was pumping for hours; it's a horrible feeling and I really sympathise with you. Does your local PCT run a breastfeeding clinic? The one here is staffed by an NHS lactation consultant and specialist midwives, who are absolutely brilliant and really care abut both you and the baby.

It's awful that this has happend and so unfair. I have read so many posts about undiagnosed TT's on mumsnet - why can't the HCP's that promote BF spot them??
I have a text book looking tongue tied ds, missed by 2 paeds and countless nurses/midwives.

I gave up feeding him at 3 weeks old and couldn't stop crying so relactated at 6 weeks (not trying to push it as it's a nightmare to do, just sharing experience)
It's heartbreaking when you can't feed your baby the way you want.
I don't know anything about the risk of DM, but you are breastfeeding, even if not exclusively, that must help surely.

Would your GP or HV be helpful??

I really feel for you. My DH has Type 1 diabetes and I dread our DD developing it. Like many women you have been let down by the HCP that are meant to support you.

It's easy to load yourself up with mother-guilt. If only I had done XYZ then ABC would never have happened. But the world doesn't work that way. Yes, there is some evidence that BF reduces the incidence of diabetes. Reduces, not removes. BF is the best way to feed your baby, but it's not a panacea for all the ills of the world. Some BF babies will still develop diabetes, allergies and other problems, just as some FF babies will avoid these problems.

You are doing the best that you can at this moment. I hope you find the support in RL that you need to get through this.

Thank you for all your messages - really appreciated. I think my milk has reduced cos I express at 10 pm every night ( when he's asleep) and the amount has reduced. Exclusive bf is supposed to reduce the risk becuase you do not introduce foreign protein when his immune system is immature - I am still bf him though for all the other benefits.

CrystalQueen - I am doing exactly what you say - I keep thinking - if only.... - what a different 5 months this would have been....

My DP says exactly the same to me but I am inconsolable which is why I feel I need to talk through the pain I am feeling with a psychotherapist because I do not have the skills to come to terms with this myself.

I feel in pain because he loved to bf and I felt like I failed him when I didn't have enough and now that he's refusing because of the low supply , I feel pain because I miss bf him

If anyone replies to this post who could personally recommend a particular therapist to help me that would be great - otherwise I will contact LLL and see if they can recommend someone.

forgot to say I live in north london

I don't have a fat lot of advice for you but just wanted to say I really empathise with yr sadness re bfing

My first dc never bf. Never really got the hang of bottle feeding either. She doesn't drink at all now and has a gastrostomy (she has multiple disabilities). I think I managed to pump for about 6 weeks till I gave up after only getting 20mls here and there and v v bruised nips!

My 2nd child has no disabilities but crap latch/ infection and various other things led to him being classed as failure to thrive in the first few weeks. I felt absolutely bloody awful like it was my complete failure to successfully feed a child. I never managed to fully bf him but I did bf him until 14 months. I did get over the guilt and focussed on what I was doing for him rather than what I wasn't. And I did really enjoy bfing him.

Third time round I was ebf beautifully till derailed a bit by mastitis at 12 weeks. Am trying to get it back now. Have started a thread for tips

I guess what I'm trying to say is be kind to yourself. If you think talking through some of yr anger and upset will help go ahead. I kind of dumped all those thoughts and forced myself to concentrate on all the hood positive stiff I was doing. With feeding and in the bigger picture

Hello OP, well as a T1, on a pump, who struggled with bf'ing ds1 and ds2(missed tongue tie), I have every sympathy. I ended up mixed feeding ds2.
Do you really want to ebf ? Becasue if you do, we can help you to do thta. There are plenty of massage techniques that will up your supply within a couple of days. Sorted.
OR, we can give you sympathy and say, don't worry, you have done well, up to now. Let this go.

What is it that you REALLY want?
I think Mn can help you with both.

happymob - this is such a sad tale, and you have been let down so much :(

I am an NCT breastfeeding counsellor. We are not (or should not be) evangelistic and would certainly support anyone in your position. But I think you may need more than a volunteer would be able to give you - we are not able to give psychotherapeutic help, and I don't think LLL would presume to do this either, or recommend anyone (we could not - not sure if LLL have the same boundaries).

Your HV or GP might be able to refer.

I really hope you get the help you need.

Second what Ob says!

You have permission to stop, - if you need it from us. You've done amazingly well despite everything and your lo has benefitted hugely.

If you wanted to try and figure out how to get to ebf from here, there is some good advice to be had on that too.

Let us know!

My dh is on insulin for diabetes. His mother died from diabetes complications age 56. My brother has severe asthma which led to numerous admissions as a child. I understand the desperation to bf. I only managed 3 weeks with ds but he's 12 now and completely. Who's know how much benefit bf gives even if not ebf for 6 months etc. Not enough is really known and it's definitely not all or nothing because human biology isn't like that. Don't torture yourself into pnd like I did. Keep posting here where there is great support and advice available, think about what you ideally want and if you're really struggling go to a sympathetic gp or hv. Good luck.

A long post I 'm afraid cos I have been doing some thinking....
Many thanks to all of you for sharing your stories which is helping me relise that other people have felt pain also.

Herjazz - many thanks for your msg - I am trying to focus on the positive things but am finding it difficult.
Ob, StarlightWonderStarlightBright and mollycuddles - reading your messages has made me try and think what I really want - a bit hard cos I am very low in mood at the moment . But here goes...

1. Although I do not think I will be able to ebf, I want to continue bf - my aim was to get to 6 months - which is 3 weeks away. I can't bear it when he refuses and start crying almost immediately. I want to be able to stop bf myself and not have it taken away from me. Hover I do feel both mentally and physically exhausted - I had quite a few hypos when bf which tired me....

1. I have a lot of anger inside me - my dp thinks I may be able to get some closure if we made an official complaint to the hospital and reported the lactation consultant as well. I saw a teriible bfc 1st time round and after recently hearing that she had upset mums again , I regret not making an official complaint about her at the time - see below,,,

I had problems with DS1 as well - I was induced at 38 weeks because of DM and after 48 hours labour had an emergency CS - I was shaking all over and in no state to hold DS1 when he was born and his arms were going everywhere and he didn't want to go onto the breast ( he got dehydrated and was put on formula on D3)- since I had never heard of anyone having bf problems b4 I though he was rejecting me.

This feeling was compounded by the terrible BF counsellor who I saw every week at my GP's baby clinic, who kept telling me that it was my fault he wasn't bf well because I was giving him formula. I got mastitis at 5 weeks, he breast rejected at 6 weeks when I saw the wonderful counsellor geraldine miskin who got him back on the breast where I bonded with him after which I combined fed him 50 - 70% breast for 7 months.

(So when I was pregnant again I decided not to take any chances - I read about bf and phoned GM to arrange to see her but we found she was no longer doing visits in north london - we were in the midst of finding a recommended lactation consultant when DS2 came early - it was an emergency delivery because he was breach and I was in such a state of shock that I forgot everything I learnt and although illogical l blame myself for not realising he had tongue tie sooner)

1. I think I do need to address my thought processes because the possibility of my dc getting T1DM will always be there - when me and DP went to pre pregnancy counselling and were told the risk of our children getting diabetes was 1 -2 % , we still wanted a family but I decided intellectually that I would ebf them- what was a shock to me was when DS1 was born every cell in my body was crying out to feed him as well.... so ebf for me was both a mental and physical decision which I have not been able to fulfil ....

It sounds like you've had an incredibly frustrating time, I'm sorry.

I realise you've had a pretty poor experience of specialist breastfeeding advice, but either LLL or the NCT might be able to help you with point one. The fussing and refusing a feed might be something or nothing. My DD went through a very fussy period between 4 and 5 months. It used to happen at the same time every day (feeds between 4pm and bedtime tended to be horrid) and eventually I decided that the main problem was that she was very tired but like many four month olds she was also really alert at this time. So she wanted to have a lovely snoozy feed at the breast but couldn't switch off and would scream and cry instead. Feeding in a darkened room until she nodded off helped, and sometimes I'd pop her in the pushchair or sling and take her off for a walk so she could have a nap and then we'd try again. Obviously it may be something different for you, but it isn't necessarily supply. As babies change and mature they can fuss for a lot of reasons besides hunger.

Personally I had a really good experience of getting help from an NCT breast-feeding counsellor - she was kind and practical and not remotely evangelical. But I'm afraid I don't know anyone in London to recommend.

Also (and this is going to sound unbelievably patronising so y'know feel free to retch or flick v signs at the monitor) you sound like you've made awesome efforts to breastfeed your children. EBF is nice, but what will matter much much more to your children in the long-term is that you are the kind of parent who makes those efforts on their behalf.

Hi
Short one from me as on phone in bed. We have similar stories. I am asthmatic (pretty severely) and baby also had tongue tie. Wreaked havoc with my supply. Huge weight gain issues for him, nghtmarish two hourly lengthy feeds where he would moan and writhe at my breast. Lots of tears from me. Gave 2oz formula top ups after 2-3 feeds a day when weight went off chart but continued 2 hr feeds and pumping after feeds to stimulate supply.

At 23 weeks, on the advice of a bring academic I started him on solids. Once he weaned, bfing became something entirely different for both of us. Could finally see milk in his mouth and he started to sleep and feed better and within weeks his entire temperament was so different. Truthfully, in hindsight, he was starving. I look at pictures of him at that time and remember the guilt you describe. It became a mission to me but in retrospect it was a tad unfair on him to let him be so unhappy because I was on a breastfeeding
crusade!

Bfing is great, yes.. But it's not the only factor in development. I can't believe the guilt I felt about formula now! Perhaps I should have felt more concerned about a baby who couldn't sleep and who was perpetually cranky from having to work so hard for his food! I thought that was just babies for you but now I am somewhat amazed when I meet other babies now who actually don't cry all day and night and see other parents living somewhat normal lives with 4, 5 month old babies!

I am still breastfeeding and he is 13 months. He asks for "boo" now and gets all excited when I am readying for a feed.

My advice? Don't get hung up on feeling guilt. Choose to "go at" re-establishing ebf if you want but if not, don't feel bfing has to stop if you don't want it to and don't waste your time on berating yourself for what is either way.

The best cure for me was just to keep feeding. So, I didn't pull off ebf as I hoped but I'm damned if I'm going to feel like a second-class bfer when my son has had free and easy access to my breasts for 13 months come hail, rain and shine! Next time, I'll do things differently but I did my best and am still doing my best.

In terms of protecting him from diabetes, the road is long in terms of nutrition and exercise etc. Same for me. I was ebf'd til 9 months then fed on a diet of fish fingers and crispy pancakes in a house of couch potatoes. I can't imagine bfing protected me from that trash or that the junk I ate in childhood was possibly worse than formula!

Dear Working9while5 and veronikacake - thanks you for messages - I have been ill with a cod so stopped posting- better now but have just got my period - DS2 is still 2 weeks from 6 months and despite all these messages of support all I want to do is the impossible and turn back time so I could get it right.