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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Dh gave Dd bottle of formula this morning.

18 replies

hmmSleep · 06/12/2010 09:55

To be clear, I have nothing against formula if that's what you have chosen or have to do.

We have a 6 week old baby whom I've been exclusively breastfeeding, she's a bit of a constant feeder and quite a demanding little monkey in general. This, along with the fact I also have 2 other dcs, am still bleeding quite heavily and the damn snow has left me feeling pretty shattered.

To give me a break we decided I would express a feed a day for Dh to give in the evenings so I can get an early night. On a few occasions the thought of expressing has seemed more effort than waking up to feed her myself, this was the case last night so I hadn't expressed any.

I went to bed at 11pm after Dd feeding pretty constantly for 2 hours, figure she is having a growth spurt and trying to up my supply. Dh is currently sleeping downstairs as baby is refusing to go into a cot and is sleeping with me. I have a pretty hard night, constant feeding, difficult to settle. I finally call Dh at 5:30 to take over so I can get a bit of sleep before the mad morning school run.

Get up at 7:20 to find Dh has fed her a bottle of formula. I know he was just trying to be helpful and give me a break, but can't help feeling a bit pissed off. I'd only fed her at 5am, so she can't have been starving, I'd struggled with her all night and have a niggling feeling he did it to make his life easier rather than mine.

When I said I would rather he didn't he got very defensive and said I was overreacting, not listening to my reasoning that the reason baby is feeding so much is to up my supply, giving her a bottle of formula will have opposite effect. It also meant I woke up with rather full breasts and an uninterested baby.

So, I realise as a one off that it's not a problem, but how do I convince Dh not to do it again without appearing like I'm having a go at him? And am I right in thinking it would be a problem anyway, maybe he's right?

Sorry, bit of an incoherent ramble!

OP posts:

carocaro · 06/12/2010 10:14

I think as you are so sleep deprived that you are making too much of it, you are both trying to do your best, don't play the blame game, after all he was doing it to give you a break!

If you really don't want a bottle to be given, you need to say so, not blame him and get feed the baby yourself. If you are so exhausted I don't see a problem with a bottle, many babies are happy with both and you could express to ensure that your milk is used.

pinkyp · 06/12/2010 10:15

If you dont want dh to do it again i'd make sure you express some. I bf my ds and 6 weeks was when he had a growth spurt and he would feed every 2hours if not more so it is quite possible your dc would of been hungry...as you said yourself you woke with a full breast so it must of been feeding time? Could you not of expressed that feed? One bottle of formula wont hurt, my dc had 1 bottle of formula a day from about 6 weeks old so i could have a 'break'. If you dont want to/cant express and would prefer if this never happened again i wouldnt bother calling dh as he will be limited to what he can do and will have to wake you. I dont think from what you said that he did it to make his life easier, i think he prob thought it was making everyones life easier and letting you get a bit of sleep that you probabily needed.

harverina · 06/12/2010 10:27

I understand why you are feeling like this, I would have felt the same.

The simple solution? Get rid of the formula! If you don't want to use it, you really don't need to have any in the house.

I know expressing seems to take such a long time and can seem like a waste of precious time in the early days, but perhaps you could start exressing a bit more and build up an "mergency stash" in the freezer for future emergencies?

littlehedgehog · 06/12/2010 10:27

If you had not both agreed that you would give formula if necessary I would be annoyed too. Pumping is useful but baby much more effective in stimulating supply.

harverina · 06/12/2010 10:29

Oops, an emergency stash!

ChippingIn · 06/12/2010 10:33

To me it sounds like he was trying to let you have some sleep so did what he could when you hadn't expressed. You say you have a feeling he did it to make his life easier, not yours - how was it making his life easier? Surely the easier option would have been to give you the hungry baby back?

Is there a reason you couldn't express when you were 'full' this morning?

I don't think it's fair to hand over the baby for a break, then complain when he has done the only thing he could have done, to give you that break

However, as you are clearly a very tired Mum of three - one a newborn, who is still bleeding and feeling crap if you want me to kick him in the shins I will x

SirBoobAlot · 06/12/2010 10:35

I'd be very annoyed. Would have been more helpful to do the school run so you could rest.

You need to tell him that you don't want it to happen again, that you understand he was just trying to help, but will be making things more difficult for all of you in the long run.

I'd ditch the formula.

AntonDuBurk · 06/12/2010 10:38

Totally understand why you are feeling upset.

IMO men are usually best persuaded by facts so best approach is probably to try calmly to explain that, especially at the start, the mechanics of supply & demand are fairly critical for establishing the bf relationship plus it's no fun to have full breasts and an unintested baby.

Mind you, if you can explain anything calmly with three dcs, one of which is 6 weeks old, you are a better woman than I am.

Try to move away from feelings that he did it for his convenience. Again, I'm generalising, but men do have a tendancy to try to "fix things" so very probably his reasoning was baby crying-hungry-formula here- wife asleep-use formula

Have to admit that IMO expressing is often more hassle than just feeding baby and delegating all other tasks to DH but that's obviously for the two of you to agree.

Keep up the good work

PureAsTheDrivenShow · 06/12/2010 10:46

Congratulations. You sound so tired. I found around 6/7 weeks the hardest bit. Still bleeding, still exhausted, no adrenalin or birth high left and a growth spurt. You're doing brilliantly.

I agree with others that your dh was probably just trying to help you.

But I would have been cross. Especially with the pain of engorged breasts and a dh who didn't accept any discussion of it not being what you wanted.

Either get rid of the formula or calmly tell dh that you don't want it to be used unless you've agreed on it together.

Don't let it blow up and cloud the day/week. Thank him for being so lovely, tell him how much it helped to have some sleep but just repeat that you don't want your baby to have formula just yet/at all.

Original poster

hmmSleep · 06/12/2010 13:17

Thank you for all your messages, lots of good advise and kind words.

I think I did react badly due to being a bit tired and stressed, you're all right, he was just trying to help. I'll make it clear that in future I'd rather be woken, and a great idea to express a bit extra and freeze as an emergency supply.

I think I feel a little like Dh is pushing me to give a bottle of formula a day, just because he's worried and can see how drained I am (my pre-pregnancy clothes are all too big I've lost so much weight!), but it's not something I'm comfortable with just yet, maybe in a month or so I'll feel OK about it.

It's great to get opinions from clear-headed mums when mine is a bit cloudy at present!

OP posts:

IslandIsla · 06/12/2010 14:02

I understand how you feel - I don't think you're overreacting at all. A different situation but my DD was given a bottle of formula by a hospital nurse when she was young, I wasn't really consulted - being a new mum I was unsure of myself and didn't say anything - and it still annoys me to this day! (she is 20 months now). I think it is partly feeling like you were not consulted in what is an important decision. I think you need to say to DH that it upset you because giving formula is something you need to be consulted about and agree with.

wayoftheworld · 06/12/2010 14:21

It 's only formula...it is not poison! Your child is happy, you are happy to have had an extra 2 hours of sleep and your DH is happy to have helped ( mine would have come to wake me up). Let him know how you feel and I am sure he will come to wake you up next time.

Meanwhile congratulations to having a healthy baby!!

Mishy1234 · 06/12/2010 14:25

I understand why you are annoyed, I would have been livid.

However, its happened and no real harm done. I'm sure your DH did it with the best of intentions.

I doubt one bottle will have caused an issue with your supply. If it was to be a regular thing then I think it would though. If you don't want it to happen again, I would throw the formula out tbh. That way he'll see you are serious about bf and there will be no danger of a repeat incident.

DuelingFanjo · 06/12/2010 14:27

I think it's unfair that your DH be pushing you into something you clearly don't want to do - that's not fair really.

Wouldn't make an issue about the one bottle though. Just accept that but be firm with him about the pressure you feel.

Puffykins · 06/12/2010 14:28

I totally understand how you feel - and the very fact that you have not screamed at your DH is impressive. (When mine did the same, I burst into floods of tears, told him that he's potentially 'ruined my special bond' with our DS, wrecked my milk supply etc. etc. Over-reaction doesn't cover it.)
Actually, it didn't do any of that.
I think that one's hormones are all over the place when one is breastfeeding - I felt physical pain every time he cried, and equally if I was ever separated from my DS. And then there was the other physical pain of full breasts.
Incidentally, post-fuss, at least my DH understood how important breast-feeding was to me, and never made a solo decision such as feeding a bottle of formula to 'give me a break and let me sleep a bit longer' ever again.

Equally, the minute I started giving a bottle of formula in the evening (just one formula feed a day) DS started (sometimes) sleeping through the night.

HarkTheHeraldEverything · 06/12/2010 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantthinkofagoodname · 06/12/2010 16:59

I understand why you're livid. My DD was given formula topups a handful of times at a young age. Unfortunately it turned out she's susceptible to allergies and this early exposure to cows milk proteins triggered atopic issues (milk allergy, eczema and she now has a 50% risk of asthma). For those saying formula isn't poison, it can be harmful to some susceptible children.

Original poster

hmmSleep · 06/12/2010 17:41

I bought a few emergency cartons of formula when the snow got bad, not sure what I thought was going to happen, had images of me in bizarre scenarios unable to breatfeed and Dh not being able to get to shops for formula. Crazy I know. I'm sure if I politely tell Dh tonight I really don't want to introduce formula yet he'll agree, even if he doesn't quite get why.

cantthink, sorry your Dd developed allergies, I'd heard this could happen with early exposure to some things but hadn't realised it could be the case with formula.

OP posts:

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