breastfeeding - not bonding?

[Canarybird]

Hi all,
I need some advice please. As for many ladies it was a struggle and continues to be. My baby who is 5 weeks old doesn't latch on well. I've asked for help from midwives, health visitors, friends and been to support groups. I have put into practice all the advice given but to no avail. He kicks, scratches and has such a strong neck he is able to thrust his head forward making control very hard. He weighs 10lb. I don't find breastfeeding pleasurable and all my baby hears is me in pain or just crying. he gets so frustrated he cries so much. My nipples are very sore, I now have a blocked duct and I'm really concerned about my high blood pressure ( I had a traumatic birth resulting in me ending up in intensive care fir two days). I spend my days and nights getting very stressed about feeding times and I'm really worried about my bond with my baby. I just want to enjoy him but I am constantly in tears.

I can't carry on like this, what can I do?

If you're constantly in tears then you need to see someone.

As strawberry says there are specialist BF support you can tap into (get some 1on1 help). If you can afford it hire a consultant to come round.

You're 6 week check should be soon so mention to GP/hospital staff (I saw both) how you're feeling and get checked out for PND. Which would be understandable given you're circumstances.

There is a lot to weigh up here and if you think you might feel guilty for giving up BF then you need to give it one last stab seeking real life support that actually helps you. You could rinf up one of/all the helplines.

FWIW a lot of us don't find BF a bonding experience but just a thing that you do. For other rare people a hormonal imbalance causes them to feel depressed about it. What I'm saying the image of it all being lovely, snuggly and emotional is not even the average experience. Saying that, being in tears and stressing about it is not normal either.

blocked duct: warm bath and massaging helped me loads and getting LO to feed on it as often as possible.

If you switch over to FF just reming yourself you did what was best for you and baby (I'm a firm believer of happy mother happy baby, as IME I couldn't take care of effectively if I was unhappy).

Hope you find the help you want soon

ps 10lb 6 week old, huge congrats. It took us 4 months to get there and plus getting to 6 weeks is a massive achievement. Whereupon afterwards many people find it gets loads easier

:( canarybird, what a struggle.

I agree - it's a face to face, one to one, open-ended session with someone knowledgable and sensitive you need. Support groups are great, but they are not the best source of help for a long-standing difficult and complex situation like yours.

Any of the bf lines would be a good step to take, and you will need to find one that puts you in touch with someone you can see - there is not a breastfeeding counsellor in every neighbourhood sadly, so you might need to hunt a bit or find someone you can go and see yourself.

Being in tears a lot is a serious thing and being stressed is a serious thing - this might be linked with the bf or it might not. Does your HV know things are this bad?

I'm assuming your baby is thriving and gaining weight - that means that whatever is happening, it is not affecting his health.

I don't think switching to formula is a guarentee of resolving things, though of course it is an option - yet it sounds like bf is an important thing for you to continue doing, or you would not have kept it up for 5 weeks, is that right?

Hope you get help.

I had exactly the same problems with my Little one last year. None of the midwives could get her to latch on and I was just getting very stressed out and miserable.

Its not a crime to swop to forumla and you should not have to feel that guilt if this is what you decide. I knew my baby was not getting enough milk and it was all I could do to resolve our issues. We switched to formula feeding and all went very smoothly. I felt a lot better in myself and more relaxed. Because I was relaxed I think that helped me bond more with my little one.

She has done well on forumla (although we had to switch early on to a hyperallergenic one as she had a milk allergy)

Anyway,its your choice and I know there is an awful lot of pressure out there to breast feed which can be hard to deal with. It does sound as though its important to you. It was to me but I guess some babies just don't take to it so well. Hope you get things sorted. (hugs)

I could have written your post Canarybird. Our babies are the same age too. Direct breastfeeding was a nightmare, fraught for both of us, for similar reasons to you, plus a nasty dose of oral thrush.

So I have been expressing six to eight times a day - it is not that hard if you are making the milk - which you are. I have a fantastically effective Phillips Avent pump. It was £90 but there are always deals to be had and I think Boots offers 25% off Phillips stuff at the moment if you are a member of their parenting club - well, I have a voucher anyway. It takes me 15 mins to get 150ml, and then another five mins to wash and bung in the steriliser. Way more efficient and less stressful IN OUR CASE.

If that works, that may well sort out half your worries, and avoid or minimise going to formula. My baby is a titan so I still have to top up with formula as even a litre of breastmilk a day (and I pump till no more comes out each time) is not enough! He would be on me all day otherwise, totally unsustainable, painful and bloody inefficient too!

Re the bonding - I wait till he's neither hungry nor fast asleep - say "quietly awake" and offer him my breast to snuggle up to and take a few sucks if he wants. I also cuddle him loads when feeding and am currently typing this one handed as he is in my arms now.

It makes me so cross how the really positive messages about BF have got twisted into "you must do it no matter how awful you find it or you have failed.... you must persevere....you must BF in order to bond." For most babies direct BF works fine. But not mine, and maybe not yours either.......it does not make us bad mothers for looking for an alternative!)

Deffo talk to your HV or GP about the crying and worry.

Does your hospital offer a service where they explain to you what happened during your delivery? This really helped me.

5 wks is still really early even though it feels forever when things are so difficult. You will find a way to feed your baby that works for all of you and things will get better.

I would echo about the expressing (as well as getting some other RL help). I had some difficulties around this age and kept expressing which meant I kept up some supply but could have some of the benefits of bottle feeding. I've now managed to work back to direct feeding and am do glad I didn't make the switch as I am now enjoying it but really didn't at that age (my DD is now 15 weeks). If you don't want to fork out for a pump you could try hand expressing [http://www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/bf-links-pumps.html see here]
hth

canarybird - how awful for you!!!
This is just my opinion - give him a bottle. If you are bf because you think you 'should' then give yourself a break honey!!! I bf all mine and luckily found it ok (although I reckon the sore nipple thing is par for the course in the first few weeks but does eventually go) but it suited me. If it didn't though - I wouldn't have hesitated in giving any of them formula. These first few weeks can be hard enough without adding to your stress.
That said - I would certainly talk again to your HV to rule out any other possibilities (tongue tie for example).
Please please don't feel sad - you have done amazingly well to have got this far
Sending best wishes to you xxxxx

Really sorry you are going through this, you are doing really well to have continued when you feel like this. Have you had anyone check for a tongue tie? This can affect the latch.
Have you been shown lots of different positions to feed in or just the cradle hold? Feeding lying down, rugby ball and reclining sitting positions are all other options.
Have you seen the GP incase you have mastitis? If you have then feed as often as possible, try nipple shields if necessary.
It might be that you need antibiotics.
Has the baby got thrush, this can also affect feeding, again see GP.
Are you feeding at the first sign of baby rooting or only once baby cries. Crying is the last cue so if this is the case he may be so hungry that he cries from frustration because the let down isn't quick enough.

Don't try to control the feed, let him find his own way using the sit/recline position, allow him to crawl to the breast and latch on himself, he can do this. It is normal for babies to lick around the breast and nipple first to stimulate let down, so don't restrict this and force him straight on.

Good luck and well done, I do feel for you as I went through similar with my first dd. .

Please do talk to your HV, she knows the situation and believe me, you should not be judged for any decision (I am a student HV and know that although bf comes up lots from HVs its for stats purposes rather than personal interest either way). I can't recommend stopping bf because any guilt could make you feel lower, what I will say from my own experience is that I did feel guily and ended up with PND first from the early struggle with bonding and then giving up bf at 6 weeks. I think you have to decide how important it is to you and only you can answer that. I have to say there is no reason to feel guilty, that was just my experience. I bonded better after I stopped though, despite everything.
Baby massage can help bonding and might be on offer from the community team nurse or nursery nurse free. Breastfeeding cousellors will often visit at home, again ask your HV for more support and she will be happy to help you.

How are things today canarybird???

hi canarybird you are going through a lot clearly. about the bonding, often the first weeks and months are hard for lots of women. i cried through every breastfeed for weeks as i was cracked due to tongue tie. and my DS just seemed to be a strange little creature that didn't really know me or what i was going through for him. it was a few months later when he suddenly started to look up at me as if to say, who is this that is feeding me, and i can assure you, all that crying and counting and wincing that i thought was getting in the way of bonding, is now a distant memory. the bonding, for some, comes a long time later when it's all come out in the wash so to speak. please carry on. i say that not because it is wrong to formula feed but because if you get support you will come through it and you may even come to love it!

canareybird - lots of people have posted here, concerned about you. Please let us know how you are.

Any news canarybird? Keep thinking of you - let us know eh?xx