emotional rollercoaster that is breastfeeding - would like advice on what you would do...

[ladylobster]

Ok, I will set the scene

DD is three months old, ebf and putting weight on steadily, approx 4oz plus per week

It's been a struggle to get this far, I do 2 nct groups and out of 16 women in one of only 2 still bf-ing, I now feel all my old struggles re confidence about is she getting enough, am I doing it right, pain etc have gone, but what I do find is with breastfeeding they are alway@ being replaced by some other emotional issue

I love feeding my daughter, there is no feeling like it when its going well, she is though a fuss6 babyz doesnt self soothe, never sleeps during day unless enforced, impossible to feed in public due to over alertness, we have to constantly be looking out for the signs of overtiredness to get a feed in, and during the day that often means feeding in a quiet room lying down to get her to concentrate - frustrating!

She cries a lot, I know girls are often more vocal than boys, but I have started to draw correlations, is it no coincidence that when we go to baby groups or meet ups, she is usually the only bf baby and the only one who is unsettled and constantly needing attention! I can't leave her side or put her down, all help breaks loose

I am returning to work in 3 months, at which point she will be 6 months and I can sre a whole host of bottle, breast, weaning issues ahead

My DH supports me in whatever I want to do, and maybe I'm lazy in that I can't be bothered with the faff of formula, but I don't know I can continue to bf back at work in the evenings as my job is so intense, I guess I'm looking for your experiences to help me make a decision on a plan to set on place, apologies for typing errors, currently on I phone lying down feeding!

'currently on I phone lying down feeding!'

lol love it. don't know what to suggest really. all sounds totally normal! i am in the midst of a 14month omg my baby has turned into a handful of a toddler and i am preparing my ebay account to see if anyone wants him aaaahhhh not really!

anyway, back to your post...

babies this age rarely self soothe. bfing was MEANT to soothe them, and there will be plenty of time for all that later when she is a cheeky toddler!

well done for getting this far, particularly with all the issues at the start. you might that bfing gets even more useful later on when she is teething or ill and you can give her some mummy love and all is better .

she might be going through a clingy phase (they do this) but all your love and comfort will reap rewards in the future when she is secure in the knowledge that you love her greatly.

it might be a coincidence that your's is the one needing attention, not the formula/bfing. they are all so different. in a different group you may have felt different iyswim

and returning to work is not going to be easy on your daughter. but the fact that you can still feed her in the morning and evening will be of the greatest comfort to her, i'm sure.

101 reasons to breastfeed

i'm not sure i have been particularly helpful, sorry

Well, what I would do is keep breastfeeding. To be honest, she might be cry-y and clingy now, but if you take away her favourite thing (I'm just guessing it's her favourite thing, as my son is obsessed, will never turn down a little drink, and only milk will soothe him to sleep, etc) how do you know it will make her happier? If my best source of comfort and tastiness was removed from me and I was offered a substitute when I was used to the real thing... I think I'd howl and protest very strongly!

Mine doesn't self-soothe either (4 months) - I didn't think any did before 6 months? I've found the "No cry Sleep Solution" book quite good for trying to persuade him to go to sleep without needing a feed. It was also around 12 weeks that I realised he needed a nap schedule (and he doesn't nap unless it's all made easy for him, either - the world is too exciting! So I have to lie down and feed him on the bed at his naptime, then I scoot him into his cot when he's fast asleep).
I'd had a very portable, chilled baby for the first 2 1/2 months, and then suddenly the whole world was very exciting for him, and then.. bang! He needed help to sleep, he fussed when overtired, he got overstimulated - and suddenly I was looking for a schedule to his day, because that's what he wanted. I don't think that's because he's breastfed, I think that's just him, if you see what I mean.

Friend of mine from my group had the opposite - screamy loud clingy baby for the first 3 months, total little angel now. Also breastfed, pretty much the same home setup - I suppose each baby is different, is what I'm trying to say. BFing is such an easy way to comfort a clingy baby, so - since you asked what I'd do - I wouldn't give up that comfort and reassurance just yet.

I'm not sure I've been very helpful either... it sounds like you've not got lots of BFing friends - would a trip to a BFing cafe or LLL meeting help you? Might be reassuring to see so many breastfed babies, some who scream, some who are chilled? I admire you to be feeding when none of your mates are, it's not easy, but it's totally worth it.

I also have a screamy can't-be-put-down difficult-to-feed baby (although he's a he). Really trying to tell myself its just how he is, not bf-ing problem or me in general.

Sorry can't offer any advice on work stuff but just wanted you to know you are not the only one looking at the other babies and thinking they are ALL so chilled in comparison...

Well done for getting to here. I was in a similar position to you in that my RL mummy friends mostly FF and it was difficult to find someone real to talk to about the ups and downs of BFing. I felt that if I mentioned something that was good about it I was 'smug' (totally not, by the way) and if I said I was having a hard time (teething/sleeping round the 5 month mark) then they couldn't really commiserate - just suggest what type of bottles/formula was best. I really agree with blackcurrants about trying to find some mums locally who also bf - I did at about 6 months and wished that I'd done it sooner.

BTW, though, in my circle of mummy friends, my DS was the chilled out baby (even now) and it was a couple of the others' babies who were the 'clingier' ones. But he didn't self-soothe until he was probably about a year - he usually fed to sleep until then but when he was ready we had no difficulties in moving away from that. You're little one is still very little and I'm sure it will get easier. There seemed to be little correlation in our group between feeding type and personality.

Ref going back to work - try not to worry about it yet. Think back how much you're DD has changed in the last 3 months - the next 3 will have just as many changes in them. At the time you're getting closer to going back you'll know better what you'd like to do and can start to put in place whatever you need to support that. I went back when my DS was 7/8 months. He had formula during the day with his childminder as I couldn't face the expressing (I'm a bit rubbish at it) but wanted to and found I was able to feed him first thing in the morning and when I got in from work and last thing at night. I spoke to a BF counsellor to explore how to move from on-demand feeding to a more 'structured' approach and that was great for me.

Sorry for such a long post. Hope it helps a wee bit.

Just a thought but all those women with FF babies can't really be having NO problem at all, can they? I just get a bit suspicious when people say everything is wonderful...it's usually not, particularly in the first six months!

I struggled A LOT for the first six months and when I'd eventually made friends (at my BF group) and revealed this, at about 8-9-10 months, they all without fail said "oh me too". I was so annoyed that all my constant comparing/worrying could have been so much less.

NOTHING works for everyone. Not very FF baby sleeps longer. Not every BF baby loves it so much they are hell to wean. Not every mother finds returning to work difficult.

A sample plan
a) go to a BF group. LalecheLeague or a baby cafe so that you can feel more normal about the BF part of your parenting (and it IS only a part of it!)
b) TRY to stop comparing your DD and yourself with others

I think you have done amazingly well so far and you sound like a terrific, sensitive mother!

Some great posts so I don't really have much to add except to say that it sounds as though you are doing a great job. My DS was always the fussiest at any group gathering, even the BF support group! He is still quite intolerant of environments with loads of noise/people "too many peoples!!" so perhaps it is just a temperament thing. My DS fed like clockwork every two hours for months and I thought I was doing it all wrong until I went to the local BF group. And one of my friends switched to FF as her DD was so unsettled and she was still unsettled but then my friend had the faff of making up bottles to boot. I don't say this to gloat, she told me this when I was worried about BF my DS all the time! IME things got easier after 4 months!

I am a shift working nurse...I am proud that i have been able to continue breast feeding my son since mtg return to work when he was 7 months to now...he is 14 months. I expressed in my break for about 3 months and at night when feeding him...this gave enough milk for the 3 days I work. Now I don't express....he gets an early morning feed, a bed time feed and still a night feed. I would have given him formula but he's dreadfully allergic to milk. :-(
I have suffered massive bullying at work for breast feeding.....there are strong laws in place to protect you and baby so panic not! Enjoy this experience and feel proud...you're doing fab!

Your DD sounds very much like my DD. Even at 19 weeks she still fights sleep with all her might and I have to push her in her pram or bounce her in her bouncer to get her to go to sleep.

Whenever I meet up with my NCT friends their babies usually sleep while DD is wide awake and wanting to be involved in everything. I quite like this though because although shes hard work I like the fact that she seems so alert and intelligent :) The babies at this group are a mix of FF and BF so I think some babies are just naturally wired to be like DD and I suspect she would behave the same if FF.

Don't forget that when you are meeting other mums you are only seeing a tiny snapshot of their day. Yes their babies may be little angels during the meet-up but who really knows what they are like at other times.

Dont get sucked into it all, ds was exclusively breastfed until 3 months, we introduced formula as I had poor supply at 3 months, he was weaned at 6 months.

Everyone told me he would sleep if he was on bottles - hahafuckingha! He didnt sleep through until almost 2 and didnt nap without assistance until almost 2.5.

Im not saying this to scare you just to tell you, your baby might just be this way, nothing to do with breastfeeding.

Fwiw ds is quite a bright wee thing and was very ahead of his peers for the first couple of years at least.

Agree FF won't make your baby sleep more. I've been mix feeding since 16 weeks and giving a bottle of FF at bedtime. It makes DD fall asleep more quickly than BF but doesn't make her sleep longer.

I have two friends with breast-fed sons and out of the three babies (all around 4 months) my bf DD is the most alert and also the most likely to cry/ fuss. I don't think it's anything to do with what they're being fed - it's personality. I go to a bf support group and all the babies there seem really calm compared to mine!

oh ladylobster, me too, my ds3 8wks is as chilled as can be at home take him out hes great as long as we are on the move, car buggy arms, sling, whatever, but when certain other mums around, you know the type, the give him a bottle hes not getting enough brigade he seems to create, i think its my tension he feels, because when i am at my friends also a breast feeding mum it doesn't happen. i like to think its because hes so bright and interested in his surroundings, insisted the same with ds1 and two, all will be good in the end

'I have suffered massive bullying at work for breast feeding.'

Really?

'certain other mums around, you know the type, the give him a bottle hes not getting enough brigade'

again, really?