Guilt setting in.

[nunnie]

I breastfed my DD, and had a nightmare with bleeding, pain, tears at every feed, I was told to perservere by the midwife and health visitor I was crying, constantly wouldn't leave the house and began to feel I no longer wanted to be a mother. I was diagnosed with thursh and given medication by gp, then got a phonecall from midwife telling me not to take medication as it could dry up my milk, so there was no end to the pain in my eyes. Returned to GP and was diagnosed with PND. I stopped breastfeeding as I was and still am convinced that it was all this that caused the PND.

Anyway when I fell pregnant with my son I promised myself I would breasfeed as it wasn't a fore gone conclusion it would have the same outcome. Anyway I had a very traumatic birth which involved pushing for 3 and a half hours before it was realised that my son was brow presentation and stuck, so I was taken to theatre for emergency section, I was given spinal which didn't work and they had started cutting when this came to light, so I was quickly put under general.

With all this I was worried that due to this birth and especially the feeling myself being cut open and seeing the panic errupt around me, that I would struggle to recover mentally. I was concerned if I breastfed and it did turn out to be the same as with DD, that I would go over the edge. So decided to bottle feed.

Anyway he is almost 7 weeks old and I haven't had any major problems mentally, and I am now annoyed with myself for not trying to breastfeed. I feel like I have let my son down.

Sorry longer than I expected, just wanted to write it down.

Just wanted to say hello and that i'm in a similar situation - with ds2 - though my birth a c-section was no where near as bad as yours. ds1 had lots of feeding/heath issues and though i tried bf we ended up on formula - i think the whole feeding struggle contributed to me feeling very low for the first 6 months or so. ds2 was two weeks early,small at birth and i lost quite a lot of blood - we are having the same struggles - so we ARE topping up though i know this means that we will almost cert be ff completely in a week or so. i too feel guilty especially as spent a lot of time reading up on bf/going to classes/taking to my bed/pumping - the only thing i console myself with is that at the time i have probably taken the best choice for the whole families health and my mental health - i still feel rough about it but i would be such an anxious/stressed mess over feeding if i had carried on (and we would prob. be back in hospital as we had to do with ds1)then i hold on to this as the reason to go down this route. i wish you well and perhaps others can give you more practical advice - sorry for the poor typing - ds2 in the other arm,

Thank you, well done for getting this far and trying to breastfeed again.

DS was 4 weeks early but not a very small weight, but did like the thought of monitoring his intake for my own peace of mind. DD was a small birth weight and lost alot while I was breastfeeding.

Nunnie how are yo doing today? - thanks for your post - I was just going to add that I had a long chat with the mw last week - half expecting her to be a bit iffy with me for starting to give up on BF but she was totally with me especially as this was DC2 and there were issues about not totally wanting to ignore DS1 while manically feeding/pumping/feeding etc. She told me that with her own children she was very pro BF with DC1 but by DC3 she only lasted a very short while and that the decision we made was based on the 'whole family/mental health picture'. I think you probably have done the same and though we will always beat ourselves up for it at the time it was probably the best decision - I'm sure that I'll always have regrets but so far I have a happy/healthy baby and for the time being thats all I need.

Take care of yourself - ML

PS - DS2 isn't in my arms and my typing is still rubbish - sorry!!!!!

nunnie :( :(

Any of the bf lines would help you and support you and let you talk.

Relactation may be an option for - but it's not everyone's cup of tea (!) and it does need a lot of input and effort, and it's not always 'fun'.

Whatever.....you can of course bottle feed skin to skin, and put your baby close to/on your breast whenever you want to, to recreate that physical intimacy.

Hope this helps.

hello nunnie, I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that you really mustn't be so hard on yourself. I know about the guilt thing, and it is easier said than done to let it go, but you know that in the great scheme of things this is just a tiny part of what you will/would have done for your child. I had a terrible time feeding DS1 and DS2 is nearly 4 weeks old. We have turned a corner this week, but the last few weeks have been so tough and I had decided to give it a couple more weeks and promised myself that I would stop and NOT feel guilty.

You have had a really traumatic birth and the most important thing is that you and your baby are safe and well. Try and enjoy being a mum and not worry about the bfing thing. It's difficult to stop bfing at any time - I bf for 6 months last time despite all the problems and was still reading about relactation, weeks after I had stopped!