Feeling guilty and low for not breastfeeding

[PeasPlease]

I suppose this is a cautionary tale for anyone who pumps rather than breast feeds.

Twin2 got a chronic bottle preference at 3 months after mastitis and thrush and overuse of pumped milk in bottles. Persuading him to feed from me whilst he is screaming a arching his back whilst also feeding his sister was impossible so seeing as I was pumping for him anyway I decided to pump for both which was sad but actually feeding times were quicker and easier.

Cut to 3 months later some utter bastard steals my hired Medela pump from our car in Spain and it is not insured out of the UK (I didn't read the T&Cs) so has cost us 1400 quid

This was 2 weeks ago and because I only have a hand pump I've gone from getting 30oz a day to 2/3 oz and I'm feeling so so gutted. In my rational mind I know I have done quite well with them but it must be hormones or something that is making me feel so guilty and weird and I can't get over it. I did feel a bit like this with DD1 but she was 15 months when I stopped BF and stopping was more gradual - this time has been a sudden premature halt and I'm so angry about it.

I have tried breastfeeding them but they latch on, bite a bit, giggle and look shocked if milk comes out.

I need to get over this it is making me feel really low.

So you breastfed twins for 6 months? You've done brilliantly for them then!

you have done brilliantly imo - don't b so hard on yourself.

:( PeasPlease - horrible to feel so low and to have had this awful expense as a result of the theft.

It's normal and understandable to feel sad and indeed angry as you say - an important part of your relationship with your twins has changed and it's not of your making.

A talk with someone who listens and who is knowledgable about your options would help - any of the bf lines should be good.

Basically, your choices are
accept the fait accompli and the fact it was not* your fault

• work on protecting and building up your milk supply once more, which will mean several expressings a day/night with a decent pump you can hire, borrow or buy... *...alongside skin to skin with the DTs, probably singly, with no pressure to actually feed, but just reintro'ing the breast as a lovely snuggly place to be

Only you can decide if the time invested in this is practicable or what you want to do - you'll need the support and the help of people close to you, to make it possible.

You do know that most twins don't get breastmilk for this length of time, but I know that's not the whole story for you.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

speaking as someone who beat themselves up about not breastfeeding long enough, and now has a lovely 4 year old son, I look back and think 'what was I thinking of?!' I should have just not worried and enjoyed the time I had - so, its formula for you now - honestly, in a year you won't even think about it, and i look now at my boy and think 'would an extra month, year, whatever have made any difference - not really, but what would make a difference was me being happy and relaxed, so don't worry and enjoy them, and congratulate yourself for trying, but really, at the end of the day, its only one small thing in a life of things you will do for them, why worry about it, concentrate on a whole range of things and try to get at least 50% right!

its just that there is so much pressure on this one thing that we mums focus on this, but its not that importance, the whole package is.

relax and enjoy!

Bolding gone all funny in my post - ignore the bold!

[Confused]. You managed to BF two children for six months, I managed one feed with one child. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

will your holiday insurance not cover the theft?

Our insurance might pay 200 towards it but not sure yet. I wish I could have got another pump but it would have been another £40 delivery charge and £40 a month and after paying Medela for the pump (on a credit card) I can't afford it, nor can I spare the time in the day to hand pump enough.

I know that I will look back and feel differently but I feel so stupid about the whole situation, it is so ridiculous that I had tonnes of breastmilk but no way of getting it into my babies. I am cursing myself for the choices I have made and now the sudden dwindling of my supply has made me feel so low and useless.

Thank you all so much for the supportive sentiments though x

Tiktok, thanks for your suggestions, I will keep trying to breastfeed them. I think I will see which one is the least averse to the suggestion and just work with that one and see what happens. Can't hurt can it! I think I was being a bit too negative there.

It's really not your fault and not your choices that have led you where you are. It's the doing of the git who nicked the pump! Don't beat yourself up, please! you BF twins with another child too. That's fab.

Sending supportive thoughts your way.

I hired a medela pump for my SIL and the company I hired it from explained on the phone before delivering it that it wasn't insured to leave her house at all. If its anyone's fault its the company that hired it to you for not explaining properly. Its also worth trying your household insurance as well to pay for some of it.

MumNWLondon it was on the contract in bold letters not to take it from the UK. Doh! My house insurance only covers named items out of the house unfortunately. Believe me, we have been down all avenues to get round paying for it, I was when they told me.

The next thing that will happen is the kids will get a virus or something and I will assume it is the lack of breastmilk that has caused it. God I am so at the shit that took that pump and so for my babies.

What will they think it is I wonder? I suppose they might think it's a car battery?

Peas, Just a thought and maybe you don't want to go down the pumping route. I could see why if you've got three kids to care for! but....

Where are you based? Just googled and it seems like a (very) few areas have a breast pump loan scheme, cheaper than medela.

Also, any chance of getting something like a medela swing second-hand on ebay?

I used a Swing and hospital-grade rental at different points. The hospital one was better but the swing wasn't half bad and helped me relactate with DD1. It's a single pump tho so the logistics might be a nightmare with twins. New they retail for about 80 quid.

Maximum respect for managing to breastfeed so long against the odds. Twins as well!!!!!

Well done PeasPlease, for all you accomplished. And I hope there's karma in this world for the lowlife who would steal a breastpump.

Look on ebay for another pump? They go fast if you find them online though.

This is very sad for you -- I remember the horror I felt when I had to supplement DD4 after she lost 11% of her birthweight.

xxx

Totally understnd how gutted you must be becasue something you've chosen t do has ben taken away from you.

Feedng your kids is only one part of your motherhood. Think of all the other stuff that is going well and that will go well in the future. If you care as much as comes accross above then your babbas are in excellent hands :)

Were you holiday. What a theiving bastard,
so sorry.

Let's just hope it was a desperate mother of triplets who stole your pump and that she's getting good use out of it and her babies are thriving. . .

Thanks all so much for your kind messages, I am persevering with trying to get my puzzled twins to breastfeed and am keeping a sense of humour about it all so far. No luck yet but you never know.

Teapot I do hope someone has use for the pump although I suspect it will be chucked away