Expressing milk instead of BF but missing out on closeness

[auburnlizzy78]

Hi, hoping for some words of wisdom.

Have an eighteen day old boy, born weighing 8lb 13, dropped to 8lb 5.5 on day 6, 9lb 2 on day 12, now at 10lb. He is an utterly voracious feeder, I am feeding him every three hours at least, and more often if he demands it.

I can get him to latch and feed, albeit with the aid of a nipple shield and only in certain positions. But either he gorges himself until he is sick, or falls asleep looking "milk-drunk" in about ten minutes. Then he wakes in an hour, ravenous again. I guess this makes me a bad selfish mother but I just don't think it's sustainable to have a baby of this size and appetite on my breast, because the feeding would be literally CONSTANT. I suffer with Chronic Fatigue anyway so need at least to get three or four hours sleep a day, even if it's broken sleep, or I just don't function. So I have stopped putting him to the breast, and instead I have been expressing every three hours or so, just to make sure that both my breasts are emptied and that he's getting the hindmilk with all the fats and calories in it rather than just a quick unsatisfying drink. It only takes ten minutes to pump enough for 1 to 1.5 feeds, and both breasts are empty by that point. He is clearly thriving and porking up nicely, so I guess it is working from a nutritional point of view, and I am the sort of girl that likes to count millilitres and check he's getting enough for his age and size.

I just feel so guilty though that we are missing out on all the close bonding of breastfeeding. It just seems like a waste of time when it won't really satisfy him. I try to cuddle him more instead but he can smell the milk and even if he's not really hungry he will go nuts and start screaming for food.

Two questions really - 1. am I doing the right thing? and 2. how can I get some better emotional closeness with him? I feel that in the next couple of weeks he should be starting to smile, but why would he smile at me - our interactions seem to be more like mere transactions, and I'm sure the method of feeding is at the root of it.

Sorry for long post, but thanks in advance.

Auburnlizzy - still with the BFing. The feeds get shorter as they get older and they are much less likely to fall asleep on the breast. DD was also sleepy feeder I changed her nappy halfway through to keep her going. DS2 was a gorger, I learnt when to pull him off so he wasn't sick. BFing does get easier. You could continue with the pumping as well so that you could get a rest while someone else does one feed a day?

Can you get some RL support.

Auburnlizzy, I'm not sure the method of feeding is the important thing here - DS is breastfed and I really didn't feel much of a connection with him till he was about 6 weeks old and starting to smile, make eye contact and interact a bit. Up till then he didn't look at me when he was feeding or anything like that (and I didn't, and don't, get any positive oxytocin-type feelings when I feed). It felt, as you say, pretty much like a transaction, and I said in a fit of despair to DH that it really didn't matter whether it was me, a professional nanny or an alien from Planet Zog doing the feeding as DS wouldn't notice the difference and all it was doing was wearing me out and making me miserable. So if you BF directly you might feel just the same and be shattered and non-functioning as well.

It does get easier - DS is 10 weeks now, is sleeping better and the feeds don't take as long, and there's much more of a connection between us than there was in the early weeks.
I second MumNWLondon - can you get some real life support? If someone else could give the baby a bottle of EBM while you slept that would probably help quite a lot and give you more sleep.

If a baby is milk drunk then they have got enough (even if it is a 'short' feed). Not every time they eat do they take exactly the same amount of milk. It is also normal for a newborn to feed frequently as often they want to nurse not feed (if you get the distinction?). 10lb is not big to exist solely on bm - I've exclusively fed a 27 weeker on bm and also exc. tandem bf a 22 m/o and a 2 w/o when the 22 m/o stopped eating due to a cold. Don't forget you've grown him to this size on bm so his size is all your doing

Letting baby have unrestricted access to you with lots of skin to skin will aid the bonding process not hinder it. You are food, drink, comfort, love, warmth, safety, protection from the world, entertainment, a place to sleep and transport. In short you are everything to your baby. The trouble is when they are young you give so much of your self to them with very little back. It will get better with time, I promise.

Have you got anyone to help out with getting you dinners, doing the washing, etc? Can someone take out DS for a walk in the pram to give you chance for a nap? Have you looked into co-sleeping?

I think you would be best to talk through al your options with a real life bfing councilor have you got a bfing group near by or the no. for the NCT/LLL/BfN?

If a baby is milk drunk then they have got enough (even if it is a 'short' feed). Not every time they eat do they take exactly the same amount of milk. It is also normal for a newborn to feed frequently as often they want to nurse not feed (if you get the distinction?). 10lb is not big to exist solely on bm - I've exclusively fed a 27 weeker on bm and also exc. tandem bf a 22 m/o and a 2 w/o when the 22 m/o stopped eating due to a cold. Don't forget you've grown him to this size on bm so his size is all your doing

Letting baby have unrestricted access to you with lots of skin to skin will aid the bonding process not hinder it. You are food, drink, comfort, love, warmth, safety, protection from the world, entertainment, a place to sleep and transport. In short you are everything to your baby. The trouble is when they are young you give so much of your self to them with very little back. It will get better with time, I promise.

Have you got anyone to help out with getting you dinners, doing the washing, etc? Can someone take out DS for a walk in the pram to give you chance for a nap? Have you looked into co-sleeping?

I think you would be best to talk through al your options with a real life bfing councilor have you got a bfing group near by or the no. for the NCT/LLL/BfN?

auburnlizzy I am an unusual BF mum in that I have always given my DS bottles of EBM alongside BF. I am probably more unusual in that I feel closer to him when I give him a bottle even now nearly 8 months later. He's happier, I'm happier and I get much more adoring looks from him. I don't know why but it worked for us.

I also wanted to check the amounts as DS was prem and in nicu and scbu for nearly 8 weeks and he used to get 13 mil feed etc there and its hard to change the mindset.

I tend to do a bit of both direct BF and expressing, and you can always do that. If you want to try and do both put him to the breast when you have energy and express afterwards and then feed him the expressed milk when you are tired or want someone else to help with the strain. I was giving my DS a bottle at 7 ish before his due date (after he was home) because I hated the cluster feeds. I wanted some peace and to be completely honest I also wanted to have an occasional glass of wine. It worked for me and I have carried on with it. I also know a number of people who do exclusive expressing. Some people say its hard work but many of the prem mums I know find it easier.

Sorry racing, brief post.

Just breastfeed him. Get in bed and breastfeed him. When he falls asleep, close your own eyes. Wear him in a sling, skin to skin if you're just pottering around the house.

This period seems very intense now, but I promise, it is only a tiny blip. It doesn't have to be sustainable, it simply won't last very long anyway :)

Irrespective of his weight, his pattern at 18 days old is completely and utterly normal for a newborn bf period. The newborn period lasts from 8-12 weeks and bf babies typically feed 8-12 times in 24 hours and not always in a nice spaced out way either.

I have no idea of this will reassure you or confirm what you are doing? But lots of people think their bf baby is really 'hungry', when they are just normal. Newborn babies aren't biologically designed to go 3-4 hours between feeds.

You also need to consider the longterm, very few women can exclusively express and find their supply starts to dip and dip, especially from 6 weeks onwards. So you may want to consider if you want to have to stop pre6ms. You might only want to bf for a short time so this won't concern you - but it should be mentioned.

Thanks all, some very helpful tips and advice.