What do I do about my friend and breast feeding?

[redandyellowandpinkandgreen]

I'm not planning on feeding her BTW!

I have a good, close friend who has two children, she didn't want to breast feed either of them. Now I know it can be an emotive subject but before I was pregnant myself I found it hard to have strong feelings either way on the subject but I always really thought I would breast feed. So I don't think I was judgy at all about what she chose to do, I hope not anyway.

I am now 36 weeks pregnant and have been going to breast feeding classes. I was talking about it to this friend and she is, well basically, horrified. It is obviously something she is really uncomfortable with. She said quite a few things which I found offensive but chose not to react to. For example 'I found out my mum breast fed me for a few weeks and I was disgusted, there's no need for that is there?'

And talking about her son he had seen a woman breast feeding and asked about it and she had said to him 'you don't need to worry I didn't do that to you'. Like he would be scarred for life if she had. I know she has ushered her son away from people breast feeding as she didn't want him to see.

It's all she can do not to shudder about it. Fair enough, that's how she feels about it but when she knows I am planning to do it I find that a bit difficult. I'm not going to fall out with her about it, just want a bit of help about how to deal with it if it arises again and what to do when the baby is here and I am feeding. If someone finds it that offensive I guess I can never feed in front of her?

Any advice?

I've never come across anyone who was so open about their revulsion towards bf. I think I'd have to steer clear for my own sanity, bearing in mind I'm a wuss about confrontation.
Sorry not much help.

well, if it were me i would start distancing myself from her.

i wouldn't want to be made to feel like a dirty perv with her pinched, sour face looking disapprovingly at me all the time.

she has issues.

I have a friend who is very strange about bfing. She would never do it, doesn't like to see it and cannot bear the idea that her mother bfed her. She left the room when I bfed.

Thankfully, she never, ever comments to other people and never made a comment to me. It's only because we are good friends that I know the revulsion she feels about it. Oddly, she doesn't know why she feels that way and wishes she didn't. She knows in theory it's the best thing but in reality, cannot stand it.

We're still v good friends.

I think everythingiseverything is right - you'll find it hard enough at the beginning without having someone nearby who is repulsed by what you're doing.

Actually just typing that made me angry. Please don't end up visiting her/having her visit you and avoid feeding your baby because it makes her uncomfortable.

If it was me I would breastfeed infront of her and her children as much as possible. I also wouldn't be biting my tongue, I would be challenging her. Obviously she is comfortable having such strong opinions so why don't you speak up and challenge her. Although I agree it mght be better to stop seeing her while you are gettng to grips with BF in the early days.

I do understand how you feel.
My mum and my brother couldn't keep their thoughts and feelings about breastfeeding to themselves. I would be feeding my DCs at my mum's house and they would say things like 'it turns my stomach', 'it's disgusting' or ' he hardly knows me, I would have bonded with him by now if could have given him a bottle' (I don't know where that left DH - he didn't breastfeed any of the children and he's bonded just fine!)

It is hard when people don't agree with your feeding choice - especially when by standing up for your feeding choice, they take it that you are critisising theirs I once said to my mum that I was giving the DC's a good start by breast-feeding and she jumped down my throat saying that we'd had a 'good start' too by being bottle fed....

You've made your decision - stick with it :) Carry on regardless - you do not need to justify your choice to anyone! If you baby needs feeding, feed him/her and don't worry about your friend or anyone else for that matter! If they are true friends they will get used to it and it won't bother them - And if they make a fuss? Well, they are not really the friend that you took them to be are they?

I've got baby #4 due in a couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to being a breastfeeding mum again :)

Good luck

If she was like this re. using her kidneys to filter urea out of her blood and insisted on dialysis for her and her children when there was nothing wrong with her/their kidneys she would be having psychiatric treatment to deal with her revulsion of a normal bodily function. As there is an socially acceptable alternative to breastfeeding she can exercise her disgust and ffed but there is no reason for her to put her views on to other peoples business.

You are a mammal, I am a mammal, she is a mammal, we carry our young in our wombs, birth them and suckle them just like stoats, cats, horses and every other species of mammal on the planet. Humans are just very lucky that we don't even have to give colostrum as most other mammals die with out colostrum as their placentas don't transfer antibodies (or at least in sufficient quantities).

Anyway, that little rant interesting discourse on mammalian nature aside, you may need to be blunt and say 'I will be bfing my baby when they are born. If you find it so uncomfortable to be in my presence whilst I'm bfing please tell me know so we can keep in contact via phone/email/facebook until baby is old enough to go a few hours with out feeding (approx 6 months ). I appreciate you have issues with bfing but I don't want to hear negative comments about it. Thanks'

Good luck with the up coming birth and bfing going off to a good start.

@ kidney example and also use of stoats as obvious example of a mammal!

Your friend's got a problem. Don't let it be your problem.

Sometimes, women have major hang-ups about bf because of something that has happened to them (sexual abuse, for instance).

Not their fault.

However, it doesn't excuse the sheer bad manners of sharing her disgust and horror with other people in the way she has done.

If this is a close friend - and the OP says it is - then a warm and friendly open-hearted chat about it might help. If she cannot keep her feelings to herself, though, then she would not be on my friends list!

This is not a nice situation for you. Your friend clearly has issues with breastfeeding but she has no right to insult your choice to breastfeed just like you did not judge her for formula feeding. I think i would see what her reaction is after the birth when you are feeding your baby. She may be turn out to be ok about it, or at least just turn a blind eye and not keep going with her comments. If she makes negative comments every time you feed your baby then personally I would stop seeing her because unless you are going to make your baby wait or shut yourself away from her in another room then it will be difficult.

Agree tiktok - some women do have problems with body image/bfing/bodily functions after abuse or because of their upbringing. It just seems if the hang ups manifest themselves as issues with bfing they get swept out under the carpet. I'm not saying women should be forced to under go therapy in order that they might bf but rather that because we have an acceptable (preferable in some eyes) alternative nothing is done to address the issues these women have. Even women with tokophobia (morbid fear of childbirth) are generally advised to have counselling before a c-section is signed off. Why should bfing be any different?

Thanks everyone. I keep trying to tell myself it's her problem and not mine. I do wonder if she feels a bit of jealousy about it or feels a bit guilty because she didn't feed herself.

I think I will avoid going to her house at first, if she comes here and I feed, well in my own home that's up to me and if she's offended she can go and sit in the garden. In her house I think I will feel more uncomfortable.

It feels so odd when you expect people to be supportive and then you get something like this.

I'm not even sure she was aware she was being so insulting, she was trying to be jokey but it was obvious she finds it repulsive. I am not good at confrontation either so I just bit my lip but I did expect some support from my friends.