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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Anyone else not ashamed to FF?

46 replies

asouthwoldmummy · 10/10/2010 18:33

I'm sure I'm not the only one who absolutely hates the usual bf/ff bunfight. I think tbh how a woman decides to feed her baby is her business, nobody elses. So why does the general view seem to be that FF is something to be ashamed of.

I ff DS from birth after briefly trying bf, I had my reasons which I won't go into (mostly because I feel I shouldn't have to justify them). Does anyone else want to come out if the ff closet and admit they're NOT ashamed?

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 10/10/2010 21:22

AliceInHerPartyDress, you're sort of right. There are no positives to bfing. It's the norm. There are negatives to ffing. It's a subtle difference and sounds awful I suppose phrased that way. But they're not the same and do not have identical outcomes. Similar but not identical.

And how you feed a baby in general terms is a very, very, very tiny factor in who that person might be.

MrsC2010 · 10/10/2010 21:23

I feel the same about my forceps SoH. I can't even tell DH how bad I feel about it now (8wks on) as he feels (rightly of course) that I shoul still be proud of myself. Why? Our beautiful daughter had to be yanked out by a lady weilding horrendous looking metal tongs!

Anyway, sorry OP. I think we all have our hang ups, and feel that so many things are an attack. I know I still feel like crying (and do, at times) when I hear of someone I know giving birth 'normally', because it feels like it is rubbing my failure in, reinforcing it in some way.

TheSugarPlumFairy · 10/10/2010 21:24

. unashamedly FF here. I did initially feel like i had to justify my decision to move to FF but i have stopped myself now.

I hate to see people who are FF feeling guilty for their decisions and make a concious effort to support FFer's in this forum. FF is not all plain sailing and can be just as difficult to master as BF, just in different ways.

AliceInHerPartyDress · 10/10/2010 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot · 10/10/2010 21:28

I think SOH has put it perfectly. And I'm sorry you feel like that, SOH :(

dribbleface · 10/10/2010 21:28

I tried to breastfeed my Ds, struggled, was guilt ridden and became serously down about it. In the end a very nice HV sat me down and gently told me that a miserable stressed and crying breastfeeding mum was not better than a happy f/f mum and visa versa. I still feel guilty, DS had bronchiolitis at 5mths, and asthma at 8mths...you can imagine me sobbing to DH 'its my fault...if only i had BF him longer'.

I think that in some cases the pro breastfeeding stance inadvertantly makes us feel like we fail if we don't, but i agree that is the way we make ourselves feel rather than anyone else. Can't remember anyone saying anything unkind about my decision, but if you had asked me at the time i would have sworn blind my friend/doctor/lady in the street thought i should have tried harder!

pommedeterre · 10/10/2010 21:29

Oops. Sorry SBAL.
I had ventouse and forceps and don't feel guilty about that! Wouldn't even consider feeling anything other than thankful actually.

ShowOfHands · 10/10/2010 21:34

MrsC2010, I'm sorry. Please talk to your DH about it if you can. You are allowed to feel that way. A debrief can help if you continue to feel this way. Congratulations. 8wks is lovely. Smiley but still tiny. Brilliant.

I think that having children, giving birth to them and raising in them is something we all feel guilty about at times. I think on MN the general consensus is that we're all trying to support each other through it.

ReneRusso · 10/10/2010 21:34

YES. I am proud of my decision to switch to ff. It was a huge emotional wrench for me, but definitely the best decision for my health and happiness and for the rest of the family.

asdx2 · 10/10/2010 21:43

I bf my first for six months and hated it and it spoilt my enjoyment of being a mum. I ff all my others without a single regret and tbh it was only the midwife after the birth of my second who tried to make me feel bad for refusing to bf ds2.

whatsleep · 10/10/2010 21:46

I tried in vain to bf both of my dd's first dd was prem and we never managed it, and dd2 has issues with her jaw and latching on was impossible. I have friends who bf and some of the comments i have come across are quite shocking...one friend commented that I couldnt do BLW if i wasnt bf because ff babies dont get enough goodness from the formula!!! luckly i am past being offended by comments from the breast feeding police! another friend who had to stop bf at 4 months commented that she was worried her child would be thick if she gave her formula...again odd considering i was sat there feeding dd from a bottle!

LacyLeggins · 10/10/2010 21:46

another ff here :) i fed dd3 myself for 3 weeks, she was really jaundiced and my boobs were bleeding. i was sobbing in pain every hour i fed her and just couldnt take any more.

i discussed these feelings with my mw in tears, feeling like i had failed my dd and she put me at ease by saying i needed to do what was best for me, dd and my family (i had 3, 3 and under) a happy mummy = happy dcs.

once i made the decision to stop bf i didnt regret it for a second. i wasnt getting woried when i knew her next feed was due and i wasnt in agony and best of all she avoided being admitted to hosp for her jaundice. best thing i did for me and my family :)

Original poster

asouthwoldmummy · 10/10/2010 21:49

Perhaps we should all be proud of ourselves of our choices and delivery methods. As I always think when things are tough 'accept what you can't change and move on'.

I think tbh if you try to be the best mum you can then you will be, regardless of what choices you make along the way.

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 10/10/2010 21:55

yes, am a proud FF.

Also have no qualms about the fact that both boys were induced and had to be pulled out via ventouse. I don't feel sad about it. I feel grateful that I wasn't trying to give birth 70 years ago......both me and DS1 would have undoubtedly died in childbirth.

Also will not discuss why I didn't BF, as twill just give a BF fundamentalist types the opportunity to make a face at me and explain that I shouldn't project my failure onto others.......

Suffice to say that as LL has said once I made the decision to stop the relief was enormous.

Tryharder · 10/10/2010 22:25

I think this thread attracts a lot of women (me, for one) who have struggled with bf and hence the feelings of guilt and angst about bb/ff are magnified.

In RL, I have met many women who have ff from Day 1 without any guilt whatsoever - not even an issue.

TheUnmentioned · 10/10/2010 22:50

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am actually waiting on a call back from my HV tomorrow as the non exbf is getting me down and also so is the way my birth went, it wasnt horrendous by most people's standards, Im just ashamed of how I dealt with the pain, the fact that I panicked and cried etc. Its so easy to feel guilty about everything isnt it?

tiktok · 10/10/2010 23:26

There's no closet to come out of! There is no general view that ff is something to be ashamed of - I have never met it, either here or on mumsnet, except the occasional crazy post that's soon jumped on, or else feelings of shame from the individual mother herself - often after a really bad time bf. This is always (in my experience) dealt with sympathetically and supportively, and that's how it should be.

Ronaldinhio · 10/10/2010 23:27

bloody hell
i'm in norn iron and hardly anyone bf s over here

hogshead · 10/10/2010 23:51

I had terrible trouble with bfing - I took meds throughout my pregnancy for severe psoriasis but stopped 2 weeks before my due date so I could bf but as ds was nearly 2 weeks late I was like a packet of cornflakes by the time he finally showed up. I was due to start my meds at about 6 weeks post birth so time was not on my side.

And then he was a tongue sucker. Looked like he was latched on but had no wet or dirty nappies for 4 days and the docs started talking about ng tubes and dh totally freaked out so we switched to ff and ds took to it like a duck to water.

Anyway i am rambling! I felt really guilty for as long time - I was in my mind a failure on two counts: first that I was a terrible mum as not only did I need an emcs but I was unable to bf and second cause I let ds go hungry and thirsty for 4 long days.

Now thb I've got over it and I don't give it a second thought. And atleast now ds is over 12 months and will drink cows milk like its going out of fashion :)

pommedeterre · 11/10/2010 08:03

asdx2 - I know some other girls like you. I wonder if people who bf, had this experience but cannot admit for some reason that they felt like this about it then become the judgey pants ones about ff?

ff was the best decision for me, my dh, our very small support base and our house move. I think that the 'guilty' feelings I had were about ME not the baby. Over achiever to the max 'failing' at something wasn't in my remit before bf. Very selfish and something to get over.
So now I feel like I took a 'failure' in order to support my little family unit in the way they needed. Which is great. End of.
On a more general level if the government wants more people to bf for longer then real support and money needs to be invested. Something I would personally criticise them doing in these difficult times I think...

PutTheKettleOn · 11/10/2010 08:50

I do know what you mean, with DD1 I struggled with BF and mix-fed until she was 5 months. There were certain situations, such as the NCT bumps and babes group, where I felt very self-conscious and ashamed getting out a bottle when everyone else seemed to be BF with no problems. I was kind of relieved when all the babies got older and the conversations revolved more around weaning than breastfeeding!

However, now that I'm BF DD2 I see it from the other side, and there are situations where I feel self-conscious and judged for BF, not least at my in-laws house as I know MIL feels very strongly that I should be supplementing with a bottle. And whenever people make comments that DD2 is small or 'OMG, is she feeding again? Mine only feeds every 4 hours...' I feel people are implicitly saying it's my fault as I'm exclusively BF.

In both cases I think the problem is my own perception of what others are thinking rather than anything else. At the end of the day we have all done something amazing by producing our beautiful babies and noone should feel guilty or ashamed about how we choose to feed them. We all do what we feel is best for our kids and don't need to justify that to anyone.

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