Help me convince DH why it's ok to BF past 6 months

[PutTheKettleOn]

I've just realised DH thinks I'm going to stop BF DD2 after 6 months. She is 4 months now. He has been pretty supportive of me BF this time, he knows how much I wanted to do it after things went wrong with DD1. But lately he's been making comments like 'I'll be really glad when we get to 6 months and you don't have to BF anymore'.

He has kind of admitted that though he supports me BF he doesn't like it! He doesn't feel bonded with DD2, he thinks the BF is the reason I can't get much done during the day (not the fact i have a baby and a toddler to look after!) and he says he feels a bit useless with DD2 and that she doesn't like him!

It's true DD1 is and always has been a daddy's girl - we mix-fed from 2 weeks and DH was always very hands on with her. DD2 is a bit of a mummy's girl, i guess partly cos of BF and partly cos whenever he's home DH always takes over with DD1 to give me a break.

I always said I wanted to BF for at least 6 months but now I think I want to go longer - not least because DD2 refuses to take a bottle so i don't think i'll have much choice!

What can i say to DH to convince him it's not 'weird', are there extra health benefits to longer BF? And any ideas how i can get them to bond? At the moment DD2 cries if she's held by anyone but me for more than 5 mins

IME my DD wavered between being a mummy's girl and a daddy's girl - but thankfully neither of us took it personally. Assuming your bf is well established, why not start expressing some milk for DH to give her a feed once a day, in the evening maybe?

wel you shouldn@t have to convince him. he ought to hbe happy with "because I want to" to be quite honest!
but if he really needs a list:
health benefits for you
health benefits for baby
cheaper
easier
less time consuming

as for bonding... there are plenty of ways. he could cuddle her any time he wants, he can give her a bath, he can take her out in a sling or in the pushchair for a walk....

Well, I guess it needs to be a two-pronged attack in that you need him to believe that it's beneficial and you also need to help him challenge his ideas about the "benefits" of giving up. This link on kellymom.com provides a good starting point for handling criticism of breastfeeding. It emphasises the importance of finding out why someone objects to bf'ing as a starting point.

There are major health benefits to breastfeeding up to the age of 2: kellymom.com lists these rather nicely, with an emphasis on 'extended' feeding (past a year, but also applicable to your situation as starting solids is on the horizon) HERE
and also, if you want to look at the benefits in more depth, this UNICEF article is very comprehensive HERE

I really hope your DH will see your point of view on this one, since it's great to hear that bf'ing is working so well for you both - if it's not broken, why 'fix' it?

I know the links are useful re: the health and IQ benefits, but here are some more lighthearted ones:

• no faff sterilising bottles, making up feeds etc. whilst baby cries: just pop baby on
• since baby is likely to be ill less, less time spent caring for ill and miserable baby and more fun time playing etc.
• since breastmilk is so easily digested, less chance of baby constipating when solids are started
• as breastmilk adjusts its components as your baby gets older (higher fat content), it provides individually tailored nutrition which is absolutely miles better than any 'follow on' milk the formula companies could every dream of - and the nutrients in it are highly bioavailable and absorbed easily by baby, which isn't true of formula
• if baby is miserable with teething / tired etc., nursing provides comfort and reassurance with virtually no effort from parents needed
• many babies get really efficient at nursing after 5/6 months meaning that they can get their fill much quicker than they used to - and indeed much quicker than they might take a bottle!
• money saved from not having to buy follow-on milk can be spent on other, more interesting things

It strikes me that this is far less about bf'ing and far more about your DH being less than happy with the relationship he has with DD2. He's blaming bf for this, but I hope you can help him see how things can change for the better without sacrificing something which sounds like it's making you and DD2 very happy. Could you designate specific daddy and DD2 time so they have a scheduled period of doing something nice each day e.g. bath? It will give you time with DD1 and it will help him realise that DD2 does indeed 'like' him.

Re: your DH's concerns, obviously you both know your child best but I think it would be very unlikely your DD2 would be less of a mummy's girl if you moved onto formula. I also have 2 DDs and my youngest is 8 months. She has started to find daddy far more interesting than she used to in the last couple of months, and they now interact loads despite me still bf'ing her, so I think this is more of a maturational process than anything specifically related to bf'ing.

I hope some of all that is useful - I really hope that he begins to see what a fantastic thing breastfeeding beyond 6 months would be for all of you, but especially for DD2.

Your baby is very tiny still and whatever the feeding method you dh will be able to play a bigger role from 6 months onwards as that is when the fun of introducing solids starts! Your dh doesn't need to use a bottle to bond with his daughter he can weild a spoon and offer baby rice or crushed banana (mixed with EBM), he can change and bath her, play with her... etc ad infinitum.

BF is not a barrier to this, my dh never questioned my feeding choices (bless him), he was happy with my choices and respected them. I fed all dc to around 2 yo (still feeding dd2). He is bonded very well with all 3 - no problems at all there.

Your dh may feel it has been more difficult for him with his second child and is focussing on the feeding method as it is an obvious difference from dc1, but with some gentle persuasion I am sure you can help him see other things he can do to help him bond more with his child.

Good luck.

To echo the above it seems to me (thought I haven't been in your position) that youur DH needs to get his head round the fact that he now has two dc's and that they are individuals. His relationship with dc2 would always be different to that of an only child, which of course every first child is. He should not be seeking to undermine youur relatinship in order to establish his own (thouugh I imagine he underestimates rather than lacks his relatioonship with dc2)

Hoppe you manage to resolve this

There are health benefits for both of you. The longer you breastfeed DD2 for the lower the incidence of respiratory and gastrointestinal infections (according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, so that's based on figures for the developed world) and also the longer you breastfeed her for the lower your risk of breast cancer (and several other cancers) or rheumatoid arthritis.

wow, thanks everyone, especially FrozenNorth, those links are rally useful... I reckon if i can blind him with science he might be more open to the idea! He just seems to think it's 'normal' to stop at 6 months.

I think you're right that he feels he hasn't bonded with DD2 and is blaming breastfeeding, we seem to have fallen into the trap of him always looking after DD1 while I am always with DD2. This evening I got him to look after both girls while I cooked tea and he actually played with DD2 for once, which is progress! I think we both need to get over the fear that she might need feeding when I'm not there and he should just take both of them out on his own sometimes.

I agree that if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and seeing as both me and DD2 are enjoying BF I don't see why I should stop something that gives her so much comfort. Not that he would ever make me stop, but his support has been so important to me lately, especially as he's always having to defend me against my MIL who seems to hate breastfeeding (but that's a whole other story...)

Yes I think this isn't really about feeding as such. I know a lot of dads worry about not loving number two as much - they are so devoted to the lovely toddler or older child that a baby who seems to be the exclusive preserve of the mother is a bit of a shock. Mum on the other hand is so much more chilled out and confident with Baby number two that she leans on her partner less. As things settle down so this settles down and everybody fnds where they fit.

NorthernLurker, your message really struck a chord with me. DD2 is 6 months, starting solids, very much a mummy's girl, won't settle for DH yet. I think you are spot on with your analysis of how things can go when a second child comes along, and bf is just one part of it all, but it becomes an easy thing to blame, somehow, for the way things are.

OP, I am in the same position as you except that as I bf DD1 until she self-weaned, and have made it crystal clear that will do likewise for DD2, bf isn't in question. But it IS hard because DD2 cries when DH goes to her at night, and it always has to be me, and since she wakes up more than once an hour, I am on my knees.

My take on this is currently: they are little for such a short space of time that I am just going to go with the flow, and comfort her when she needs it, BUT try to give DH as much time with her as possible so she gets more used to him. As Frozen said, I reckon the balance shifts over time.

Good luck!

I think throwing a load of articles at him that strangers have suggested would only make things worse.

This is about the delicate threads of a relationship. You need to support him in feeling close to the baby. It's not just about the benefits of bf.

dont bombard with articles and research.do calmly explore why he feels excluded, and try find ways to make it all feel more inclusive. your dh has been supportive of your bf so far,but admits he feels left our.work upon that.praise and acknowledge that he has supported you,and that you seek ongoing support too

would you consider expressing and he give bottle ebf

Scottishmummy, we've been trying to get her to take a bottle for the last few weeks so he can do the late feed and I can get some rest, but she just isn't interested. I think I've shot myself in the foot - with DD1 I gave her a bottle too early and she ended up preffering the bottle and refusing BF. This time we didn't try DD2 til she was 14 weeks and a bit too set in her ways. We're keeping on persevering though, we try it again every couple of days in the hope that one day she'll get it!

Northernlurker, I think you've got it right, he's so devoted to DD1 who is a fully-formed little person that bonding with a newborn is a bit of a shock!

Don't worry, I'm not going to bombard him with articles, I've just started trying to slip into conversation all the added benefits of BF for longer than 6 months... in fact I left the UNICEF breastfeeding page open on the laptop in the hope that he'd read it! But I think if I can get him to feel more bonded with DD2 then the BF will become less of an issue, fingers crossed

Sounds good PTKO, DD2 is still bottle resistant but it's getting better so I think persevering helped. Agree the slipping of info into conversation is a good idea - I think the articles are useful for arming you with accurate facts. That way he doesn't feel pressured but he does see how confident you are that carrying on is the right thing to do for you and DD2. I think Northern Lurker makes a very good point - I chatted it through with my DH yesterday and he said that he felt a bit like that for the first few months but that weaning, DD2 becoming more social etc. had helped.