At the end of my tether

[offmyrocker]

Please help!
I have a 4 wk daughter who is feeding on average 10 or 12 times a day, and those feeds can take up to 40 minutes a time. On top of this she doesn't sleep much and when I put her down she wakes after every 10 to 20 minutes crying. She has acid reflux which also makes the whole feeding time quite traumatic for her. I'm bottle feeding her and I know this probably doesn't help, but I had a terrible time breastfeeding and gave up. I know that sounds selfish and perhaps this nightmare we're both going through is a type of payback. All I know is that I'm such a mess and I'm truly at the end of my levels of coping, as is my DH. I live abroad so I have no support system and my friends have their own families to worry about. I just wish someone could suggest a way of cutting back on the number of feeds she has, and what do I do when she keeps waking up so frequently and too soon before she should in theory be fed?

Please please someone out there help me before I truly crack.

Firstly I'm going to give you a big hug.

Secondly I'm going to tell you there is a support thread on here for parents of babies with reflux - go and check it out, they will show you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thirdly - cut out the beating yourself up thing; it will just make you feel worse. You tried it, it didn't work for you, so be proud you gave things a shot, and now face working with what you have. There will be numerous big sticks to beat yourself with along the road of parenting, and the more you take along with you, the harder you make it on yourself. :)

What formula is she on? What type of bottles are you using? Is she on anything for the reflux? How many oz are you giving her at a time?

I know it is hard - but a theory is just a theory, and unfortunately babies tend not to read the same manuals as us. The first six weeks are very difficult, especially if you have reflux to contend with as well.

It will get better and you'll get through it.

My DD had reflux and at the time I was also desperate. Once they start to sit up it improves massively.

Have you seen a doctor to get Gaviscon - that helps. Raise the legs of the cot so she sleeps on a slope. The aforementioned thread will give other hints I am sure.

She is only 4 weeks old so it is a mad mad time. Good luck to you.

God it's good to get your messages.
I am feeling so down, so muddled with everything that I honestly don't know whether I'm coming or going. Had a good cry as today was especially hard and I didn't think she'd ever stop crying - my ears are still ringing.
I've heard about that magical 6wk mark, but at the mo', as things stand, I think that I'm more likely to win the lottery than see things ever improving.
I'm feeding DD Aptimel, and I know they do a special reflux one, but I heard it could give her constipation, and then I'd have to contend with another nightmare - which one would be the better of the two evils???
I'm using Avent's special colic/reflux bottles. The choice where I live is not great, so anything from UK I have to order, although I'm grateful for any opinions on anything that might improve her feeds as long as it's possible to order via Amazon.
Thank you so much Sir boobalot I needed that hug, but the guilt will always stick.
Another big help is to hear, fifitot, that others have gone and got through it, it makes me feel like I'm not such a complete failure after all, although I can't help but wonder if it will ever get better for me and
DD.

offmyrocker, so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. My DD suffered from what we thought was reflux but I realised that my dairy intake was linked to how often she was sick and to how severe her sickness was so I cut down on my raw dairy intake - do you notice any link at all?

I only have a couple of practical suggestions but they did help us. We found that it helped to hold my DD in an upright position after feeds for as long as possible. If we didn't do this she was often really sick. Don't pat your DD's back when winding her as this can make her sick too - just gently rub her back to help her burp. It also seems to help to spend more time winding during and after feeds.

Hope this helps and that you are ok.

Have been out all day visiting friends and DD daughter slept like an angel throughout the most of the day. Unbelievable. My friends gave her feeds and not a peek, not even a mewl, even when she was being burped (usually that the time when she cries until she is purple in the face).

Finally got home at 6pm and gave her feed and she screamed the place down. Wondering if it's me now.

Sorry going through a bit of a crisis. Self-doubt, she was a perfect angel, I could hardly believe she was the same baby. WHat an earth is going on???

Perhaps because she spent all of yesterday screaming, she was too exhausted to do anything else but sleep and take her feeds quietly today.

But how strange that the reflux comes back as soon as we get home...
Lack of sleep, paranoia sneaks in. But I can't help but wonder if it's me.

Sorry if what I'm writing sounds insane, but I might as well be honest and voice what I'm truly feeling, I can't say it anywhere else.
Wonder what tonight will bring,,,

I wonder if your anxiety is being transmitted to her and making her more cranky? Or maybe its the smell of your milk now you have stopped BF?
I do not mean to give you another stick to beat yourself with!! Just trying to help you fathom it out.
Whatever the cause, it is NOT that she does not love you or that she has any negative feelings towards you, because you are her mummy and she loves you more than anything, its her survival instinct and she has to.

That incessant crying is absolutely soul destroying though, and can quite literally drive you crazy, so I am not surprised you are feeling paranoid, that is probably "normal" in this context. Hang on in there and keep posting, and helpful people will try and get you through.

You can get through this, and it will pass eventually.
What support have you got in RL?

Great idea to get others to help feed her where possible

And remember that it is mainly 2 steps forward, one step back with parenting.
So consider your "good day" a step forward, even if things have gone back again now, there will be more and more good times.

You need to make sure you are looking after yourself properly though as you have a lot to cope with and need to pace yourself

Thinking of you and your daughter tonight

There is often a 'witching hour' for young babies from around pm. It can be colic or ime general fussiness - that leads them to cry unexplainably for hours.

Not all of them gt this but many do. There are lots of theories why but knowing why doesn't help when you are in the midst of it.

Get some meds from the GP - it may help.

Good luck.

Have not had much time to sit and continue thread, and to be honest not in the best of moods either. How do all of you cope with this sleep deprivation? Power sleeping apparently, but how???
Can hear DD stirring, this is why I can't sit and write. I love her so much, but she really is testing me to the limits. Wondering if I am really cut out to be a mother - and if I hear another 'well-intended' comment from someone telling me that perhaps she wouldn't have reflux if I breastfed I truly will throw in the towel. I know breast is best - but please don't judge me for my failings.

I've just got to get a thicker skin.
She's up.

You poor thing it sounds very difficult for you both.

I dont think you are failing! You are continuing to love and mother a child who is having some health problems and that is really challenging.

You sound very down. Is there anyone who can give you some time? Partner, friend, could you ask them to have her for some hours while you get some sleep either in day or night? Or have a day in bed with her, where you feed and sleep and burp and cuddle and cry as needed without getting up or doing anything else other than mothering her.

You will find it hard to get this in perspective otherwise. I really feel for you.

Make an emergency appt with GP and cry your eyes out to make them realise how bad this is. I am sure you have coped with many things in life before this so do not see it as a personal failing, no-one else could do any better as you are her mother and you love her.

What country are you in? Can you get the ususal medications?

Keep going (you have no choice and you love her)and keep posting. Try and notice any good things that happen and remember that it wont always be this bad so you have to muddle through as best you can without judging yourself.

My heart goes out to you xx

i don't know much about baby reflux or ff, BUT i can see you are a brilliant mother and this is not payback for you not bf.

i don't think reflux has anything to do with bf vs ff. it's a physical problem with the valve between the oesophagus & stomach. my understanding anyway. i have very severe adult reflux.

the sleep deprivation is bloody hard. worst thing in the world. you need to cut yourself some slack and stop with the guilt. you have done nothing wrong at all. you also need to have a break. at weekends get your dh to help out so you can sleep a bit more. accept anyone who offers help. it's ok to say you could do with some. people are more than happy to give a hand.

all i can say is that this will get better. my dd2 had suspected reflux and i was told that it gets better with time, as the body develops. this is not going to last.

can you try a dummy to soothe her?

can you get some medicine from the gp? gaviscon or ranitidine?

Hey Rocker
How's things today?
Thinking of you!