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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

How do I make her understand without being rude

30 replies

newbielisa · 26/09/2010 20:46

I'm breastfeeding, went through some dark days early on but all good now. No problems there, problem is with Mother in law. Twice now she's mentioned hungry baby formula to me. She has only really ever known FF babies with her own children and other grandchildren. I've politely explained TWICE that the breast milk alters to accommodate the babies needs and will produce more calorific milk to suit babies needs as they get older.

Last night we had a rough night with LO, it transpired she needed a big poo (TMI I know) which happened at about 12.30. When DH mentioned it to his Mum she brought up the hungry baby "thicker stuff" and asked him when we'll give DD it. I wasn't there at the time but he's repeated it back to me so think it must have got him thinking as well.
I'm not judging other family members who FF because it's personal choice and some people despite wanting to can't do it, I'm really lucky that I can, I wanted to and am told by so many people I'm giving DD the best stuff I can.

I love the MIL but how on earth can I get her to understand and change the bloody record? Any science bits of info I can dazzle with might help if you know them and there's such a wealth of info on here I'm hoping someone can help me out. I'm starting to feel like she's insinuating that I'm being pig headed by breastfeeding and not giving DD what she needs.

Sorry this is a bit long

OP posts:

PrivetDancer · 26/09/2010 20:51

"she doesn't need artificially thickened milk, she's breastfed".. Ad infinitum!
Just repeat it politely as often as she repeats "hungry baby milk" :)

SirBoobAlot · 26/09/2010 20:53

You just need to be firm with her; "Thank you for your opinion, but this is my choice, I'm going to stick with it, I don't think you need to mention formula milk again, thank you".

She will eventually get bored, and find something else to "help" you on.

WoTmania · 26/09/2010 20:54

look up Kellymom
Maybe emploiy the broken record tactic yourself - 'this is what I'm doing please either support me in it or keep your opinions to yourself' You don't need to be rude just firm and polite.

Not sure from your post, is you DH backing you up completely or is he influenced by his mum?

WoTmania · 26/09/2010 20:55

Maybe ask her for advice on something else as a distraction

mollycuddles · 26/09/2010 20:55

Some people just don't get it. I'm currently ebf dd2 who is 17 weeks and thriving. She's my 3rd dc and you'd have thought my mum would have got it by now. I breast feed my babies. But last week dd2 was in the midst of the expected 16 week growth and mum asked me whether i'd be better giving her a bottle. I have now perfected a look of incredulity accompanied by saying "why on earth would I do that?". It works well to end discussion ime.

onepieceoflollipop · 26/09/2010 20:55

I read on here yesterday a useful reply to parents/ils that keep going on. Just say something like "thank you, yes" and smile very nicely. No need to enter into further discussion.

She clearly doesn't want to listen/wants to bully you into the right way i.e. her way, so best imo just to opt out of further discussions. Surely your dd waking up in the night isn't affecting her massively anyway?

I would also in your position avoid any mention of dd waking in the night or anything that makes it sound that you're struggling. Your mil will probably respond with solutions such as the hungry baby milk. (make sure you can talk about this type of thing to other friends/family)

crikeybadger · 26/09/2010 20:56

such a shame that your MIL is trying to undermine your breastfeeding - especially as it seems to be going so well now.

I'm not sure you'll get her to change her views now. Personally I would just not give her the opportunity to comment by keeping off the subject.

Jojay · 26/09/2010 20:56

Can you tell her that you really believe in breastfeeding so formula is not an option for you? There's nothing wrong with it, blah blah, but you and DH (that bit is important)have decided to breastfeed, so that's that.

Personally I wouldn't try to blind them with science. It can inavertently sound as if you think that you know best, and if you are being a bit superior esp if everyone else in the family ffed. People then tend to get a bit defensive and discussions can get awkward.

Just tell her you plan to bfeed your baby, and that's that.

Talk to your DH too, so he backs you up.

Ineedsomesleep · 26/09/2010 21:00

Unfortunately she will probably never get it. Just smile sweetly. If she asks you when you are going to give it just say something like "oh, we're not really sure" and as you are smiling imagine yourself as a teenager with your fingers in your ears chanting "nah nah nah I'm not listening".

Its the only way to stop it driving you around the bend

WinkyWinkola · 26/09/2010 21:01

I'm not sure why your MIL thinks you need to explain your parenting choices to her. That to me is very rude.

Apart from the fact it sounds like you're doing a completely amazing job with feeding your daughter, it's actually none of her business.

If she thinks this is her business, then she'll assume she has a say in other areas of your parenting. If you're cool with that, then that's fine.

If you're not cool with that, then I'm afraid I think you may have to bite the bullet and say something to the effect of, "Thanks for your concern but I'm breastfeeding dd. She's thriving on it. We're both doing really well. That is the end of the conversation."

And, if she persists, you will just have to say, "I'm sorry but this is none of your business. I've explained to you that breastmilk is the best food for my dd and that is the end of the conversation."

DirtyMartini · 26/09/2010 21:02

Could you say something like (I am cringing as I even suggest it, but still) "Thanks, but all the GPs and health visitor team have said that we're best off sticking with breastmilk if we can, and I am really happy with that"?

Only if she is the sort of person to feel cowed by the superior wisdom of medical professionals, obviously... not if she is a "doctors know sod all" person

Ineedsomesleep · 26/09/2010 21:06

Dirty, where do you live then? Obviously in an alternative universe to my blardy HV & GPs

Original poster

newbielisa · 26/09/2010 21:10

Aaaah, thanks everyone for such prompt replies. To be fair to her I don't think she's meaning to undermine me or interfere, thankfully she doesn't interfere at all - I am a very lucky DIL. I know it's just lack of knowlege on her part regarding BF but I feel as though I'm justifying it to her. I guess that goes against the grain because at every other turn from friends who have or have not BF and lealth professionals and other family members everyone else is so full of praise for me to bask in especially as I battled on through infected nipples - now they were dark days!

I am going to remember and use ALL of your suggestions and will have a wry smile as I think of myself as a teenage doing the nah nah nah - Love it.

OP posts:

DirtyMartini · 26/09/2010 21:11

Oh no, Ineed, I was making it up. Fantasy. Just to try and shut down the MIL

ballstoit · 26/09/2010 21:11

I said to ex's aunt when she was waffling on about formula being specially designed for babies needs (not sure what she thinks breast milks for ?!), that as I had a baby human not a calf I would continue to give her human milk not cows milk. Shocked silence, then 'is that what it's made from then? . An enlightening moment for both of us, and she never mentioned it again.

But if you like your MIL then the,'hmm yes', will probably be more useful.

MoonFaceMama · 26/09/2010 21:12

some great ideas re your mil above but it might also be an idea to make sure your dh is up to speed so he isn't swayed and may even feel able to fight your corner (which tbh he should. Just cause you are the one providing the milk doesn't mean he can act like it's nothing to do with him! Maybe if mil sees a united front she might drop it). Give him some stuff to read...who guidelines/kellymom/politics of breastfeeding in order of required commitment. You are a unit and should divide tasks accordingly. You're the one better suited to bfing the baby, he has the skills to handle his mother.

wintersdawn · 26/09/2010 21:24

The problem with this discussion is everyone has a personal opinion on it. I'm 15 weeks pregnant at the moment and starting to ask people what they did as well as researching on line and the comments I'm getting back are so personal. A lot of women I know really struggled with breatfeeding, found it hard and gave upwithin a week of trying. However I'm really keen to try, kids have been brought up on breast milk for far more years than formual has been around and last I checked the human race was still going strong :)

There is a good amount of info on the bbc site which is fairly unbaised and with some science stuff in it that might help (www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/child_development/newborn_feeding.shtml). I did read something the other day that was really on the side of breast is best and had some good info in it but I've been racking my brains to remember where is was but can't sorry, if it comes to me I'll re post.

My advice is stick with what you feel is best, it's your body and your baby and if she's happy why rock the boat. If you get on well with the MIL in all other respects and she hasn't listened to you trying to explain things nicely, maybe a husband backed slightly firmer message of stop sticking your nose in is needed.

Hope you get the message across!

Original poster

newbielisa · 26/09/2010 21:29

wintersdawn - congrats on being pregnant. Your so right about you do what's good for you. When pregnant my view was I'd try BF but if it didn't work for me then so be it and if it did and I could manage 6 weeks of BF then I'd be really happy. DD is 15 weeks tomorrow and we're still going strong BUT if it hadn't worked for me I wouldn't have beaten myself up over it.

OP posts:

MoonFaceMama · 26/09/2010 21:42

wintersdawn congratulations! Try the kellymom website. Also have the nct bf helpline ready. If you can, do some reading on the mechanics of establishing supply. Sadly mw's and hv's aren't all up to date, am nct bf councillor will know more (though i believe a few mw's/hv's are trained as bfc's also.) i was lucky and had no problems at all. Some of us are but of course you don't really hear that cause there's nothing to say! sorry for the hijack op!

CharlotteLER · 26/09/2010 22:01

I agree with the earlier advice; smile, nod and move the topic on...with as much sarcasm as you like ;)

Bumperlicious · 26/09/2010 22:31

V timely thread for me. Dd2 is 5 days old, I bred dd1 for 13 months so you think my mother would get the picture. But already I'm getting the passive aggressive "well, obviously I can't give you any advice as i didnt breast feed" & "if you weren't bfing at least you'd get a break"

I know she means well & is just worried about me which makes it harder to respond.

Make you not want to seek support whe you really need it :(

gaelicsheep · 26/09/2010 22:42

Well my mother breastfed me - by the clock it seems - so I get the endless "oh, surely she can't be hungry again. At 3 months she should be on 4 hourly feeds" crap. It doesn't matter what we do, the older generation always have selective memories know better. Try to politely ignore her (if only I could take my own advice!)

organiccarrotcake · 26/09/2010 23:27

yes. Lunch today with family.

Mum, "You're over-feeding him again" (when he posseted).
Great-Aunt, pointing at sling, "You won't be wanting to carry him in that for much longer, then" (he's 12 weeks... DS1 I carried for 2 1/2 years).

If you can find the right thing to say, sell it - we'll all buy it

ClimberChick · 27/09/2010 04:42

is it wrong that my initial response was to slap her around the face with a wet fish. [still grumpy with PMT emoticon]

I think if you've explained in the simplest way possible, then just nod and smile whilst muttering mmmmmm interesting before saying here have a fish distracting her with another line of conversation.

hmmmm sciency bits, tbh (speaking as a scientist) with my MIL it goes in one ear out the other, so I've given up. She listens, but doesn't actually listen. Just as long as your DH is on board you'll be fine. Have you pointed out that hungrier milk isn't actually more calorific, it just takes longer to digest (my DH was shocked by this). Which in a way just makes it behave more like a drug than anything.

Monkeytoo · 27/09/2010 05:00

Well you could say that you're already feeding her 'hungry baby milk' - that's what your body is making :)

Sounds like you already know it but it's amazing how your milk changes to accomodate your babies needs. I had to pump a lot early on as I had to go back to work at 4.5 months (nightmare - I live in the US). Anyway was able to continue exclusively BF but my point is through pumping I could see how the milk varied by the time of day and even the weather as to how thick it was and how much fat it had in it (could see when it separated). Really amazing to see the almost water like stuff when it was really hot etc. Anyway - sorry for going on but it's really great how your body can make the right stuff at the right time!

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