feeling like giving up bf, 4 mnths, what to do?

[theslumbertaker]

hello

i am posting a bit out of desperation really. i know this is not uncommon for mums who are bfing but i am feeling completely exhausted and very tempted to quit. i have two dc, dd1 (3) and dd2 (4mo). i am bfing dd2, exclusively, although this wasn't really my choice. i had planned to combination feed as i knew from last time that i find exclusive bf difficult on many levels. anyway, she is an adamant bottle refuser. so here i am. it had all been going pretty well really, if i am honest. she had some growth spurts but i thought things were really settling down, as sround 5-6 weeks ago she had dropped to one or two feeds per night, although feeding a lot in the day. this i could cope with.

however, for the last few weeks we are back to two hourly feeds at night, and all day. i know this is the 4 mnth sleep regression, and i will be told to just stick with it. but i am feeling as though i really can't. dd1 is very active and demanding, and i do not have much help with her or running the house, as dh works long hours. i am getting increasingly grumpy with everybody, including dd1, and i hate it. at the moment i feel trapped by the bf, like i can't get any rest or a break, and i really need just a bit of uninterrupted sleep. i am starting to feel really quite awful, can't think straight, looking a mess constantly, etc etc. and no i don't have pnd. i just find that my brain responds very badly to sleep deprivation.

so what to do? any tips for either coping with this, or how to get her to take a bottle? i don't want to give up totally, but feel that it is coming to this due to the refusal to accept any food from anything other than me. sorry if this sounds really self-pitying, i know i am not unique to feel this way. any advice would be much appreciated.

Apparently getting someone else to give the bottle is the way forward. My friend had to go back to work after 6 months and her DD had always refused a bottle, however she had no choice but to leave DD with her mum in the hope that she would not starve (easier at 6 months as starting solids). DD took the bottle with no worries but it still took a few weeks before she would take one from mum, something to do with smelling the milk? If you can express you could offer BM in the bottle.

It is crap to feel like this and even crapper when people tell you it will pass (though it will, but forget I said that ). I hope someone comes along with better advice soon and that you find a solution to suit you.

forgot to mention i am due to go back to work in jan and feeling quite worried about what she will do then if i carry on with bfing

thanks serendippy. i spent the first three months expressing a bottle a day, so have a freezer full of ebm. it is soul-destroying pouring it away every time we try to give it to her

dh and dm have both tried giving her a bottle to no avail. but saying that, i have always been somewhere in the house, so when the going got tough, they both bailed out and brought her to me...

i wonder if i should just go out for a day and leave them to it. it is just the thought of poor hungry distraught dd2 screaming all day that is stopping me.

I think most people would advise that at 4 months, it is not reasonable to let your baby scream and get hungry if you are around and able to feed her. However, you do need the problem sorted by the time you go back to work. I cannot believe that there are many children who have died of starvation when mum has not been around to BF, so she will take a bottle eventually. As you say, it is something you are finding hard, which means that you will always feed her yourself in the end.

Bumping for you, hope someone can help.

Bump would be good if you did not have to give up but you will need advice!

yes i agree. bump bump?

thanks serendippy

Can you do less(housework)? Sleep more in the day? Does DD1 have an afternoon nap? Cbeebies?? Can dh be in charge on the weekends so all you have to do is sleep and feed and he will play with dd1 and maybe take them both to the park and do the cooking?
I've got 2 DDs, 3 yrs and nearly 1 and I remember at 16 weeks she woke loads to feed (in fact I remember a friend staying over and I gave her tonnes of sympathy that her dd was waking her loads without even realising that mine was waking just as much!)
It will pass soon!!!
January is ages away, she'll be on solids by then.

Not sure what bottles you are using and if this will make a difference but fwiw, I used 'breastflow' bottles when introducing a bottle and dd took to it no problem. It may be she was always going to be good going between boob & bottle but might be worth try. They're avail from motherc@re. Also what about trying nipple shields as a transition?

I don't know much about it but "Breastflow" or the TT Closer to Nature bottles are working for my DS, who's bottlefed in nursery and breastfed at home. Warming the teat helps, as does smearing a bit of EBM on the outside so it smells promising - but mainly, the most important thing for us was it being anyone but me giving the bottle, and me not being in the house (cos I got too upset, and we live in a little flat...)
DH took him out to the park, sat him upright in his pushchair (so it didn't seem at ALL like BFing) and eventually he took a bottle. Your DH/Mum could also try holding your baby on their lap, facing outwards - basically anything to make bottlefeeding seem less like breastfeeding and more like 'this other way you can get food'

One of you needs to leave the house, though - absolutely. Maybe you and DD1 could go out for some nice quality time together, leaving DH with a bottle - and just not come home till he calls you and says it's been drunk?

Hope you get more help soon - it's totally grim being that exhausted.

thanks harecare and mrsTO

i don't think i could do less housework than i do now . i do sometimes manage to get dd1 to nap in the aft by wearing her out in the park then a car ride home. she watches a lot of cbeebies already . ok i am making myself sound like a really terrible mum now...

dh does try to take over alot at the weekend, but it often makes me feel really guilty. he is very tired from a long and gruelling week at work, and needs some down time too. so if i jus put my feet up, i feel lazy.

tried breastflow. slightly more success, but she starts grizzling after a few sucks.

nipple shields may be an option, had never thought about it. i guess that would get her used to a slightly more artificial feeling

I am SO where you are right now except I have a 4mo DS and he is such a big hungry boy I feel like I cannot keep up with him.

He is my 4th baby, have EBF the 3 others so am supposed to know what I am doing. The others are 6, 4 1/2 and 2 so life is hectic. Like you everything is a mess and it feels like I never have any time to do anything. I had a migraine today and think it was due to lack of sleep.

To say that my DS has 4 month sleep regression would mean that he has slept well before, he's never gone more than 3 hours without a feed, in desperation I gave him a bottle of formula which he will take fine when hungry. He can take 7ozs of formula then have 10 mins BF and STILL be up 3 hours later, the bottle has done nothing to improve his sleep.

I know he's young and don't expect him to sleep 12 hours straight. But maybe 5 hours straight would be nice, if he only woke once or twice a night I could cope.

On the bottle thing, my DD3 was the same, would never take a bottle from me but would from her Dad. Wait until you know she is really hungry then give a bottle, persevere with it and hopefully she will get it.

thanks blackcurrants, it is reassuring that it can be done. i have been starting to feel as though it has to be all or nothing. i know that at sme point i will have to leave dh or somebody else with a bottle and just hope for the best, but it is daunting isn't it?

as harecare says, she will be on solids when i go back to work. but only 7 mo, so i'm not sure if she would be able to go without milk all day if i am not here. i can't remember how many times dd2 had a bottle at that age.

oh sweetkitty, i feel bad for complaining now. it sounds like things are a lot harder for you than i have it. i can't imagine having 3 other dcs to worry about. and at least dd2 had a few weeks of sleeping a bit more. good luck

Have you not got family or friends nearby who could take DD1 for a few hours to let you nap with DD2?

Have you tried co-sleeping to make the night feeds easier/quicker?

Oh don't worry it's not competitive, lack of sleep is a killer no matter how many DC you have.

Try offering a bottle every night she might not take it at first but if you wait till she's really hungry it might just work. Might take a week or so.

hi jemja - dd1 goes to preschool most mornings now. problem is that dd2 isn't really sleeping much in the day either (20-30 mins), so don't get a decent nap then. no family or close friends nearby either. i do get a bit of rest when family come to visit though, which is about once/month

can't cosleep. i just stay awake all night as i can't get comfy.

thanks for the suggestions though!

can I second trying tommee tippee closer to nature ones?

DD wouldn't go near a bottle until 5.5 months and I'd tried all sorts of different teats/tactics. saw TT closer to nature recommended on here, nearly didn't buy it as was sick of wasting money, but she jumped on it and never looked back.

thanks valbona - did try those quite a while ago, but maybe worth another try, i guess they can be fickle little things can't they?! can i ask which number teat did you find worked best with the TT bottles?

out of interest - those of you who have managed to persuade lo's onto bottles - each time you tried, how long did you persevere for before giving the boob? i tend to fold quite quickly, as soon as dd2 gets a bit grizzly, but maybe that's where i am going wrong?

theslumber I don't know how long it took DS but it was less than 20 minutes. A friends' DH had to sit through 45 minutes of screaming before her DD would take the bottle - again, she had to leave the flat.
Do you have someone else to do it? You/whoever could set a timer (say, for 10 mins) so you know that it won't be forever, would that stop you getting too upset?

I do feel for you. Think of it as something like getting the jabs - they won't like it, but we have to do it to them!