4 week baby unsettled between feeds and rooting in hourly (sometimes more frequent) intervals...

[csqm]

My son is now 4 weeks old and in the last week and a half keeps crying all the time if not in my arms and/or at the breast. Attempts to let him self settle fail almost all the time as his cry only increases to the point there are actual tears down is face (although I thought actual tears not common this early). I am putting baby on the breast with less than 1 hour interval as a result. Hope not a problem with the milk (last time he was weighed - week and a half ago - he had put 400g in 6 days and continues to have a lot of wet and also dirty nappies). We are on demand feeding, although cannot tell hunger from need of comfort. Does not take dummy. He only seems to be happy when held in my arms and most of the time attached at my breast but I fear for consequences long term. Should I be insisting on self settling? Or shall I consider the possibility that he may not be getting enough from my milk? Any advice? Any similar experiences? Thanks.

From what you've said it sounds like he is getting plenty milk, but it is normal for him to cluster feed at this early stage. He is very little and I wouldn't even begin to try self-settling yet. I remember how exhausting it is, but it is short-lived and things do get easier.

I am no expert (just going on my own experiences) but it sounds like you are doing a great job, stick at it.

Just another thought - have you tried a sling? It would keep him close (and happy) but would mean that you could do other things too.

It's not unusual at this stage DS and on occasion DD were feeding that often at the same age. It's how they build up your milk supply, particularly if they are having a growth spurt it won't last forever, and it doesn't mean there's anything long with your milk.

Thanks, nigglewiggle. I probably should know more about cluster feeding. My first son was not this demanding, although would nurse for about 40 min at a time! He was also a child that would not easily settle by himself and I wondered whether it was partly my fault for not having stimulated self settling early enough. But my main concern has always been to be able to meet their needs (specially not refusing milk if hungry).

And yes, the sling seems to work quite well. The only issue is that I am concerned with his posture - but I guess I could use it more often..

It is reassuring to know that both of you had similar experiences and that you think it is a natural thing. And thanks for reminding me it is short-lived!!

For what it's worth, DS (now 6 weeks) really couldn't cope without being held for the first 4-5 weeks of his life. At some point about 10 days ago I realised he was sitting quite happily in his bouncy chair for up to 30 minutes at a time, and I danced a little happy jig. I don't think they CAN self-settle at this young - I don't think they know they're really outside the womb, to be honest, and they want the comfort of your warmth and smell and heartbeat, etc.

Also, for 'feeling held' without being held, have you tried swaddling, slings, and 'close' seats (eg carseat)? Those helped us.

Congratulations on your baby :)

Agree with the above. A sling is invaluable.

If by 'self-settling' you mean going to sleep without assistance, my 8 month old can't do this yet either, and I think that's pretty normal.

He's tiny still and is still adjusting to life inside you when he was cuddled 24 hours a day. :)

It sounds like you're doing a great job; keep going and remember it'll soon be a hazy memory.

have you been reading BW books? Sorry if not I just know she is very keen on all that and it makes me . Self settling might be appropriate for a one year old but your wee one is tiny - don't be worrying about rods for your own back yet!!

I'm with everyone else-as relentless as it feels at the minute, keep baby close and gradually they will need it a bit less.

p.s. been there worn the tee shirt ...

Thank you blackcurrants! That makes perfect sense.I guess I was probably giving too much importance to certain theories about babies self settling since birth. Probably right for some but not for others..

Angeldog and theidsalright, thanks a lot for your messages (just read)! I did read some Gina Ford books and am wondering whether there are babies like that at all and if there are probably they got there through much stress..Thank you all for your messages. Feel so much more positive after reading :)

Best bit of advice I got was 'throw out all baby books at once' - I let DS lead the way, and we've never looked back. I'm not being smug either - I WISH he slept more and didn't need feeding/rocking to sleep but I reassure myself that he's (1) totally thriving (2) a pretty chilled and happy boy who rarely cries cos we pick him up at once* and (3) not able to get 'spoiled' in the first three months of his life (it's really, really, really impossible to spoil a newborn). Reminding myself of those three things makes happy to cuddle him without feeling guilty.
And (minor rant) why on earth should we feel guilty about cuddling our gorgeous babies? They're our BABIES! That's why we had them!
(sorry, rant over. I just get really worked up about this stuff).

*In "the food of love" - which is a lovely book about breastfeeding, the author Kate Evans cites a study where babies who're picked up at their first grizzle are observed alongside babies who are left to cry for a bit, in the hopes they're self-settle.. and then eventually picked up when they don't.
The people doing the study found that babies who are 'left to cry for a bit' cry more and louder when they realise no one's coming unless they're really screaming. Babies who are attended to quickly will grizzle for a while cos that's all they need to do, to alert their caregivers that they need help with something. So if you try to make a newborn self-settle, you'll just get a loudly screaming unhappy baby, which means unhappy caregivers, I imagine. . .

Ahem. Sorry, just didn't want you to feel badly about responding to your son. It makes me so ANGRY that women are told to ignore their intuition and that a tiny baby is suddenly expected to be able to do all kinds of things that are totally unfeasible, like self-settle when they've literally never been alone for any of their conscious life in-utero. Please forgive my rantyness, and again, many congrats on your new son :)

Sounds like you've been given some good advice but just wanted to agree with the growth spurt mention above - you're right in the window for one. Knowing roughly when they occur can help your sanity in getting through them - great information here: www.kellymom.com/bf/normal/growth-spurt.html

Thank you all for your messages. Blackcurrants, I am going to follow your advice on books! You know, yesterday in the supermarket I had the baby in the carrycot crying like mad and I could not pick him up as I was handling the shopping; I had the lady on the queue next to mine wanting to put the dummy in his mouth and the woman at the till asking me if he was hungry...moments like these are not easy, with people trying to guess what am I doing wrong to baby.. but I found your messages really helpful. Monkeytoo - thanks for the link - found it very useful reading!

csqm, that happened to me in the supermarket so I fed at the till and asked someone to pack for me. This nearly killed me as I am Queen of anal bag packing. Another time a lady held DD while I did bag packing - a very rare but welcome occurence.

I'm a pro self settling person but would not try and teach this at all for months yet. With my own DD I let her self settle if she was able but didn't make her if not. She self settles about 95% of the time now and is 13 months.

csqm I know what you mean! When DS cried on the subway this week I was rocking him in the carrier, humming to him, and thinking 'ARGH NOW EVERYONE KNOWS I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER" while wishing the ground would swallow me up! Heh. He needed changing but it was about to be our stop and although I've changed him in a few interesting places in the 6 weeks he's been alive, on a subway train is a bit too much for me!

:)

It's HARD when you feel like people are judging, isn't it? But I've decided that people are probably feeling all sympathetic. And if they're not, sod'em