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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

That BF isn't working...give her a bottle!

26 replies

lovingmy2 · 03/09/2010 10:56

Not sure why i'm bothered but my friend had a little girl on Wednesday (1st Sept), she'd really wanted to breast feed and had been asking advice for weeks before she had her. I spoke to the father yesterday and was asking how she was getting on with the breast feeding and he said LO was screaming all the time and i told mum that BF wasn't working and to give her a bottle. Relunctantly she did and the baby slept for a few hours contented. He said BF was pointless as it didn't work. The baby was barely 18 hours old. The others stood in the playground whilst he was saying this were all agreeing (all failed at bfing themselves) and i was saying you need to give it time etc etc and the response i got made me come away a little Angry...give her a bottle - she'll sleep better...who wants to wait and persevere for days with a screaming upset baby.

These men need to understand and be educated about BFing and support their wives/partners. BFing is a skill that both mother and baby need time to learn. It doesn't happen in 18hrs. If my friend would have been supported a little more and encouraged maybe the bottle wouldn't have been reached for as quickly. I feel upset for her as i know how much she wanted to try and breastfeed.

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 03/09/2010 11:00

It is really sad, but unfortunately loads of people (men and women) don't know what bfing is actually like and how it works.
I failed to bf no.1 son, but this time round have managed because I knew what was coming and I had tonnes of support.
I hear people all the time saying their baby was too hungry, etc. It doesn't help when there are still GPs like mine who advise top ups!

Original poster
lovingmy2 · 03/09/2010 11:05

Just made me really sad for her as i know how much she'd wanted it to work. Suppose because i've been successfully bfing dd for 10months and i know how lovely it is i feel sad that she may not get the experience she wanted.

OP posts:
currycrazy · 03/09/2010 11:20

So she has just given up completely now?

japhrimel · 03/09/2010 11:23

WTF? That's awful of him. I'd kill my DH if he tried that (well maybe not kill him but he'd better get out of reach!). Angry

Could you help her get the support she needs to give breastfeeding another try?

tiktok · 03/09/2010 11:27

If she's your friend, perhaps a quick text to the effect that you heard from the dh that feeding had not been going well....did she know that if she wanted to, it would not be difficult to start bf again.

The dh's views are not unusual. Feeding is sometimes seen as a method of getting babies to sleep, not as a method of nourishing them and making a connection with them. Methods are judged by how long the baby stays asleep for.

Weird and :(

Ballpoint · 03/09/2010 11:29

Of course breastfeeding works, the human race would have died out millennia ago if it didn't.

Is she still BFing at all? With some support and encouragement she could drop the formula and be successful at BFing.

Do you know of any BFing groups/supporters in your area you could point her in the direction of?

Original poster
lovingmy2 · 03/09/2010 11:29

I haven't seen her myself yet. Think she is coming home today. Her DH said lok at her (baby) she is happy now...it's upto you if you want to BF but to me she is happy on the bottle. Not sure she's going to get te support she'll need to be honest.
Want to text her saying i'd nip round and help her with latch etc but don't want to look like i'm shoving bfing down her throat or look like i'm sticking my nose in iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
lovingmy2 · 03/09/2010 11:34

I gave her the numbers prior to her having LO. Just text her sayinh if she wanted i could go and give her a hand with latch etc so will wait and see if i hear. I think she'll give it u to be honest because it'll be easier too but so :( and unneccesary imo.

OP posts:
HelenLG · 03/09/2010 11:41

I think the only thing that got me through the first few days in hospital was how supportive the midwives were and that when I was at the end of my tether they suggested cup feeding rather than bottle feeding.

Is it worth offer that as an option to her friend at least until her milk comes in? We would breastfeed on both breasts and then if DS was still upset we would cup feed him til he was full. Within 4 or 5 days we cut back on the cup feeds and then got rid of them.

VivaLeBeaver · 03/09/2010 11:44

B/f can be hard work the first week or two. A lot of people give up because the prospect of a bottle seems so much easier.

Original poster
lovingmy2 · 03/09/2010 11:51

Helen, i'll maybe suggest that when i go for a cuddle this weekend. Just don't want to appear pushy or anything because i know bfing isn't for everyone.

Just very annoying that the judgement was made by dad after only a few hours and the 'she was starving' etc etc comments.

Bfing is such hard work but the benefits far outweigh all the problems i initially had and well worth it. I just know how much she'd wanted it to work but then on the other hand when DD wasn't latching on in those inital days in hospital i was asked 3 times if i wanted to try a bottle. It was only because i refused and said i wanted to see a bf expert that it was given.i think if i'd not been as determined i would have stopped too. Think youu have to be quite committed in your own mind too and shut out what people say and suggest around you too iyswim.

OP posts:
japhrimel · 03/09/2010 13:11

Could you text her and just say that you're happy to help her with breastfeeding if she'd like to try it properly?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/09/2010 13:23

This is so sad :(

What makes me saddest though is all the other women who haven't managed to BF nodding along. It is a sad fact that your friend's failure will make them feel better about their own, and so the sabotage continues.

You have to be determined and/or have support in order to BF.

Original poster
lovingmy2 · 03/09/2010 13:48

i know Ali and this is what makes me sad because they were all kind of laughing at my response of yeah the Lo would cry initially and you had to keep snuggling and feeding until your milk came in. The responses of the women were 'well my X Yand Z was such a hungry baby they weren't satisfied and breast just wasnt enough. Its cruel leaving them crying i couldn't let my baby cry like that etc etc. Came away feeling i'd been cruel letting DD cry but i didn't i just spent the first few days with her basically attached to my breast. One women even said well formula is just as good these days as breastHmm. Another said well its all well and good breast but look at you...you can't get DD (10 months) off you now. I was the one who came away feeling a bitlike a freak for succeeding.

OP posts:
bluepanda · 03/09/2010 13:58

i had similar comment when i was feeding my 8wk old DS at swimming pool, waiting for older one and daddy to come out - a bloke with a toddler nodded at me and said 'you wanna get it on a bottle - much easier' I KNOW he was trying to be friendly but i get so cross about people saying how they never looked back etc - makes me feel like shouting, well breast feeding's a doddle when they're older too - feeding a baby as it gets older is always going to be easier than the newborn stage isn't it, you twonk!

muslimah28 · 03/09/2010 14:15

am seriously annoyed by this DH! i remember in the early days when i was feeding, my DH was so supportive. and since then in times whenmy milk supply has gone down he's really encouraged me to keep going, and have a couple of days locked in with lots of skin to skin etc - which sounds all nice and cosy but its very hard and my DH's support really helped me get through it all.

also can't believe the 'formula is just as good these days' attitude. to me formula milk is like giving your baby army rations to live off! i used to say it was like ready meals, but DH said well there is a bit of nutrition in the formula milk, so we agreed a better comparision is army rations- its got what you need to live, but hey it's so artificial and nasty!

and i can't understand the formula milk is easier option. i struggled so hard and persisted with breastfeeding because i wanted what's best for my baba, and actually one of things that kept me going when it was hard was the thought of how horrible it would be to have to sterilise bottles, make up formula , go to the kitchen in the middle of the night instead of just putting my baba straight on and staying in bed (yay!)

i think your OP captures the main reason why give up on BF though- lack of support. you need support from so many sources- partners, friends, family, GPs, midwives, health visitors.....

mollycuddles · 03/09/2010 14:35

The problem is bottle feeding is culturally normal and despite the advertising rules formula promotion is everywhere. Your friend is bottle feeding now. A real shame but her dh clearly had already decided that was what he wanted. And he appears to be the dominant party. I just hope she copes with the way her baby's feeding has been stolen from her as she might be at risk of PND.

PaulineCampbellJones · 03/09/2010 14:38

My DH did the same thing on the dreaded day 3 after a conversation with the hospital midwife. I was lucky in that I was still getting daily home visits so everything was explained to us the next day. One bottle didn't mean that I had to give up altogether thank goodness.
DH just said at the time he just wanted us both to be ok and didn't mean to sound unsupportive.

nessmay · 03/09/2010 16:56

This is really sad. I think the main problem is women leave hospital too early! I had to have an emergency caesaren and I'm glad I did, because it meant I had to stay in hopsital for 4 days and I had the midwives all around to help with breastfeeding. Had I had a normal birth and gone home the same or next day I don't know if I would have carried on with the breastfeeding. I know there are support groups, but its not the same as having someone right there who can help when your baby's crying for food.

I also think being extremely stubborn helps as well :)

MoonFaceMama · 04/09/2010 09:22

this makes me so Sad and Angry

Please text your friend with a offer of support op. She is having something she values taken away from her and needs to know it is not too late, and that she is right for wanting to bf, not some sort of freak. I don't think it's sticking your nose in, i think she needs your support.

Oartistic · 04/09/2010 09:24

Had the opposite. I wanted to bottle feed, but DH pressurised me to bf until I was a weeping mess. Sad Hey ho. He didn't do it the second time around.

Mishy1234 · 04/09/2010 09:39

This is an all too common story unfortunately.

I had a friend who was desperate to bf her second child. I supported her all I could, but her Mum was there with her all the time telling her that the baby was 'hungry' and 'just to give her a bottle'. She never got past the first week. What could I do against that? She's now very sad she didn't keep going and it's become a real issue for her.

Try to support your friend as much as you can.

MoonFaceMama · 04/09/2010 10:05

I had a similar experience to mishy with my friend who had her ds two weeks before i had mine. We both really wanted to bf. She had unsupportive undermining family staying to "help" for two weeks. Having not yet gone through it myself i urget to get help for her, she was given rubbish advice and she ended up ff and is still sad about it. I'm sad that i wasn't able to help more.

That's why i feel lovingmy2 should send a text. She can ignore it if she wants. She may be feeling very alone.

Original poster
lovingmy2 · 06/09/2010 13:56

well i sent the text and didn't get a response.

I saw her this morning and asked if she was still trying to breast feed and she said she was managing to express and the LO was takng from the bottle but was getting bored when she latched on. She doesn't think the flow is fast enough for babyand that baby prefers a bottle. Hey ho i tried. Her DH was there and ws again saying how easy the bottles were because he could do it and she could rest and get some sleep. Don't think this is going to be a successful bfing story somehow.

OP posts:
MoonFaceMama · 06/09/2010 14:16

Sad at least you have tried lovingmy2, you did the right thing and are a good friend. Shame about her dh.

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