Only 10 weeks left till baby due and I am dreading to the point I am tears writing this, just nee to vent sorry.

[nunnie]

I never thought about doing anything other than breastfeeding dd. It turned out that after days of pure agony and crying with resentment everytime she cried for her feed as the pain was unbearable, there was more blood than milk. I asked the midwife for help and she said the latching appeared to be fine but there was obviously a problem, no help offered just told to keep at it. Went to Doctors as DD has a sticky eye, the Doctor picked up on my mood and talked to me and diagnosed me with PND and prescribed me with Anti depressants which I didn't take for personal reasons, He also checked me over and diagnosed thrush and gave me some tablets for me and medicine for DD. I arrived home and got a phonecall off the midwife telling me not to take tablets that I was prescribed for the thrush as they would dry up my milk, and that I wasn't showing any signs of thrush when she had seen me and she wasn't convinced by the diagnosis, told me just to carry on as normal. By this time I was constantly crying, refusing to go out in public in case she needed a feed and was ashamed that I wasn't able to hold my head up high while I was breastfeeding, just able to put my head down and cry. Expressing produced very little and mainly blood. Tried everything I could think off. In the end felt like a complete failure and regretted after 4 years of trying for a baby ever having succeeded. Decided I hated to feel like this, and was scared it was going to affect my relationship with DD if I continued in this frame of mind. So I stopped breastfeeding.

Now pregnant again, and I really want to try breasfeeding again but am terrified it will be the same, and with having a toddler as well, I really don't want her to see me in the state I got in with her. I am okay at writing things down, but if I try to discuss this issue over the phone or face to face, I end a blubbering wreck and feel like I am being judged so tend to underplay my true feelings.

I know the advice is, to go in with a positive attitude, but I have no experience of the postives and can only focue on the negatives. Whereas with DD it was the other way round, I only focused on positives as I never really knew anything about the negatives.

Sorry for this pathetic post but needed to vent.

Its not pathetic. Its totally understandable that you're worried as you had such a difficult time with your first. I'm sorry to hear you're upset, though can understand why you are :(

First things first - if you can't talk about it face to face, can you print your post off to show to your midwife so she is aware of the issues surrounding breastfeeding for you?

Is there a breast feeding peer supporter group near you? A lot of childrens centers have them - it might be worth finding out where one is so if you encounter problems you have somewhere to go. Also if there is a local breastfeeding cafe.

I've never heard of thrush treatment drying up milk, but I could be wrong.

I think you're very brave to want to try breastfeeding again. Try to remember that each experience is different, and it could (hopefully will) be a much easier, straight forward experience for you this time. Have you got lots of nipple cream? And good breast pads - people who have more sensitive nipples are sometimes better with fabric ones.

Lastly, I am going to give you a big hug. x

What a horrible time you had!

I took thrush medication and it did not "dry up" my milk at all - if I could only meet and go at all the midwives and doctors who have given silly and counterproductive advice to new breastfeeding mothers.

You have enough time I think to go and do some research, talk to some professionals and of course hang around on this board which has helped me enormously.

You had a dreadful time with first dd, and you're definitely not being pathetic. You sound like a truly lovely person who just wants the very best for her children.

IMHE having a rotten time first time round is no indicator of what'll happen with next children. My first experience was very, very similar to yours - when i read your post my sad heartfelt feelings of failure flooded back to me! - but my next two dc's fed like a dream.

The second time round i was shown exactly how to latch the baby on by a brilliant midwife who gave me lots of support, and proper medical advice, until the feeding was well established. I'd recommend trying to find someone now who can support you after your new baby is born - maybe a breastfeeding counsellor from the NCT, or similar?

You weren't helped at all by having unreliable and conflicting medical advice: by my third dc I tended to ignore most of the rubbish i was told by all sorts of health professional!! But the confidence to do that only came with experience, and knowledge; as we know, knowledge is power :)

I do hope you can find the support you need for the breastfeeding, and relax and enjoy looking forward to your fab new baby :)

nunnie I feel so and for you and all women who go through this crap.

My DDs are 16 and 13 now but I still feel sad that bf didn't work out for me. I had a terrible time with DD1 and she was losing weight at a worrying rate. No one could work out what was going wrong and I can't describe the relief I felt when I gave her a bottle after 3 weeks and she and I finally stopped crying.

After 3 weeks of trying to please everyone else I knew (and still know) that it was the right thing to do.

I really didn't want to go there again with DD2 so after trying one bf in the hospital I moved onto ff and again knew that was the right decision.

Only you know what's right for you and if you want to try again then as mrsgordanfreeman says try and get some help sorted in advance.

But, why not get some bottles and formula in just in case? That way you know you've got a back up in place if bf isn't working for you.

I know that very pro-bfers will say that this is a cop out, but having a baby is hard enough without putting undue pressure on yourself. Do what's right for you and your family and know that you are a great mum.

i really do feel for you - not a fun thing to have to go through at all and of course you are anxious about what's to come. I would highly recommend getting a qualified Lactation Consultant on board before hand to talk to and who will be available to see you asap once baby is born.

was your first one checked for a tongue tie?

all the best sweet
x

I really feel for you - i had a similar situation with DC1 - had difficutly, then got thrush so had to stop and felt very down about it. like you i felt like i had failed.

With DC2, before she was born i went out and bought bottles and formula as i thought i would not be able to do it. i really wanted to give it a try and i did and it's been a breeze this time. She is just over 5 weeks old and she is thriving.

Hope this post makes you feel better, i don't think i did anything different other than be stricter with the midwives to spend more time with me in the hospital and when they visited at home. i made sure that htey helped with the proper latch on. I also think that DC2 knew how to latch so that made more of a difference.

so try not to be scared as it will be a different experience for you just like the birth will be I'm sure.

Hate to say it but stay positive!

Good luck!

I have since realised I should have questioned the milk drying up comment from the midwife, but my frame of mind was such that, I just wanted everyone and everything to go away as well as my beautiful daughter, so I just did what I was told by the midwife in hope she would give me some useful alternative that would get rid of the pain and resentment once and for all.

DD was only a low birth weight she was 5lb 13oz so there was a lot of pressure to breastfeed as it was the best start for her and due to her weight it was important to get it right from the start, but nobody seemed to tell me how to get it right and DD was losing weight rather than gaining, she was crying for feeds every 20 minutes which it is obvious now but wasn't to me at the time, that it was because she wasn't getting enough if any some feeds.

I tried lots of creams when I was breastfeeding, and have subsequently forgotten which ones made the slightest bit of difference, can anyone suggest any to me please?

I have bought bottles and intend to buy some formula nearer due date, as I really don't want to get anywhere near the state I got in last time, especially with DD running around and probably being quite interested in her new baby brother and feeding etc, I have not intention of letting her see me in that state. So if I start to feel I am going down the same path, I will be stopping and moving to FF.

Not sure if she was checked for tongue tie .

Thank you Soniaweir, that is one of the reasons I do want to try it again, as I am hoping that it may be completely different this time. I am trying my hardest to get the positive attitude I had before DD came along, but as I am getting nearer I am slightly losing grip on the positive and letting the negative get a hold.

I could have written your post when I was pregnant with dd2. I was so so worried that I woudl have another dreadful bf experience and would spiral down into the same black hole again.

But - I didn't - nor did I manage to bf dd2 for longer than 3 weeks but I was fine with that.

The difference for me 2nd time round was that I did all the research I could BEFORE the birth. So - I went to a bf class again, read lots on Mn, posted on Mn with all teh unanswered questions I had from my perceived failureto bf dd1, and talked to my friends who had bf for much longer than I did.

I talked to my dh (who was also very worried for me)and told him what I needed by way of support.

And I spoke to every MW I had in hospital and told them about my fears and what my experience had been like first time round and was unapologetic about the fact that I buzzed for a MW at nearly every feed with dd2.

Once out of hospital i got the mw's to watch me feeding dd2 and went to our local bf clinic even though at the time things were going well.

I did end up with the same pain but I stopped bf when I was ready to and would say I was sad it didn't work out but not guilty.

So be kind to yourself - get lots of advice before and after your baby is born - and enjoy your new baby however he/she feeds!

Poor you, you have had a horrible time! My first one was like this too, I stopped at a week. Was fully intending to ff dd2, had the bottles and formula all ready. By chance I decided to try bf when I came out of surgery for c-section, and it worked! But I have to say, I think it as mostly because I was pretty much left alone to get on with it hospital, no piles of conflicting information from midwives and councillors! It wasn't easy, dd2 lost over 10% of her weight in the first few days, and was jaundiced and sleepy. It was bloody agony for the first wee while too, mostly when she first latched on. But this time I got advice from trained councillors only, and pretty much ignored the midwives, and was able to persevere. Try to get to any support groups you can, speak to peer supporters, get all the help you can, on here is a great life line too! Good luck with it!

So sorry to hear you had a horrible experience. I go to a breastfeeding network group every week and some of the women who go went while they were pregnant. They found this invaluable. Would you consider doing this? If you go to their website you can search for a group near you. They offer fantastic support, I wish I had gone while pregnant as I had so many questions etc that they could have answered for me, though I was not in the same situation as you. Lansinoh cream is fantastic. I was lucky and had no problems with my nipples but I still put it on after every feed in the early days to protect my nipples as they did start to feel a bit raw.

I was booked in to do a breastfeeding chat on the monday, but dd was born on the sunday so I missed it sadly, as it is my 2nd the midwife told me it shouldn't be necessary for me to attend any of the courses available as they are intended for new mums. This may be down to the fact that I do underolay my feelings when I discuss anything face to face, I have done the same with my consultant regarding problems I had in the 3rd stage of labour, I was adamaent of what I wanted, but when I came face to face she managed to presuade me it wasn't in my best interests and I agreed to her suggestion and am so angry with myself for nor being firmer.
I am the same with this issue, I don't like people to think I am a bad mother, patient, woman so I tend to water everything down so by the end I have convinced them I don't need help, even though at the start I prompted the conversation as a cry for help.

Pathetic I know

It might be worth getting in touch with any local breastfeeding peer supporters now to try and build a relationship. You only need to let them know that you had a hard time last time and are anxious about bf-ing this time and may need support and advice later on.

We got some confusing advice from the different MWs we saw when DD took some time to regain her birth weight and I got very anxious and upset. Fortunately our NCT teacher was also a breastfeeding counsellor and after a week we agreed we'd just follow her advice and ignore everyone else. She might not have been definitive but at least she was consistent. She was also very kind and funny and came out to our house to check our latching technique.

Obviously the person you choose could be a professional. Our community MW was also brilliant, but unfortunately went on holiday 5 days after DD was born. If we had just seen her in the weeks after the birth I might not have got so anxious.

If you can find one person you can rely on beforehand that might make asking for help a lot easier.

Also this may not be helpful but presumably DD is fine and well? So can you turn the way you think about this around, and say to yourself that you want to BF if possible, but at least you know that FF is a good alternative if it isn't working out. Any breastfeeding you manage is good for your baby so you didn't fail first time. You successfully breastfed your DD for a few days/weeks (?) and this time you want to be able to go a bit longer.

Very best of luck. I really hope it works out well for you this time.

I do have a couple of contact numbers which I am in the process of plucking up the courage to ring, but I will do it.

DD is fine and healthy so it shouldn't be hard to tell myself FF is a good alternative and I do keep wondering why I feel I failed her so badly, but it niggles away at me and the niggles are becoming stronger now due date is getting nearer.

I lasted 5 weeks BF would have loved it to be longer but I didn't think I could handle any longer mentally or physically.

Thank you for your lovely advice everyone, it is so nice to talk to people and get it off my chest without the fear of being judged and having to play it down in case people think I am unfit mentally to have any children.

The nipple balm from earth mama angel baby is very good. I tried lansinoh and avent but did not like them.
Another balm which was recommended by my cousin in italy is VEA OLIO. You can buy it from one of the pharmacies on the italian e-bay. It helps the healing process.
Best of luck

I had an awful time breasfeeding dd1. It was a shambles, I had a breast abcess, recurrent blocked ducts and more cases of mastitis than I care to remember. The only position I could feed her was lying down. DD2 - erm, no problems whatsoever. She breasfeeds in any position - I just put her head near my boob and she just latches on! It was such a difference from both girls.

I would thoroughly recommend getting expert help. Many midwives are lovely but providing specialised breastfeeding support to mums who have problems is definately a speciality. Find out if there is a lactation consultant/breastffeding specialist midwife in your hospital and get her tel no and speak to her directly before you have the baby. They tend to be lovely and they should tailor you some support based on your previous experiences. Le Leche are also fabulous and you speak to one of their breastfeeding counsellors.

Good luck x

you could speak to one of their breastfeeding counsellors!

Sorry - typing more quickly than my brain can process the words!